No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@TheFormidableMrsC

that must have felt amazing when the judge handed you the home!

@Gingerloaf will you need to go to
court or are things more straightforward in your case?

I am in the U.K. - once a settlement has been agreed it becomes a no fault divorce . The law was changed after some bloke stopped his wife divorcing him for about 30 years.
it makes a nonsense of it all ( this is where the previous post exploded with very black and white thinkers)
If I were to go to court it would cost a lot - however I am making sure I have evidence along the way in case
The law is a blunt instrument- he pays nothing towards the house but gets 50% of the revenue raised by the solar panels on the house. He has blocked me changing contracts etc ( all for a bit if control) and these come from a joint account that I pay into - please please don’t all pile on there is nothing I can do at this point
Solicitor will deal with at a later date
My point is - they can cheat, live another life and the dumped partner has sod all recourse
Everyone can say in the long run blah blah blah but the reality for the ‘wronged partner’ is huge. The law is indeed a blunt instrument

I had an interesting discussion with a friend who receives a small part of their dead spouses pension. But the rules for that are such that should this friend then cohabit or marry with someone else they will further loose what part of the pension they receive.
As yet in have no idea if this applies in my case to H living with an someone else

As for the holidays @TheFormidableMrsC - part of it is distraction, part of it is her living the life she had with her husband and also - if you think about it it keeps him under her control ( no chance of going off to see the wife or anyone else)
i think he has decided his bridges are burnt here and so he may as well make the best of it - which is galling the think how easily he chucked away nearly 4 decades of our life

I am told I need to chill
and that all will work out in the end - but this is the hardest thing I have ever done - ever

Indeed @Gingerloaf

What an arse he is, Ginger. And so is the law.
I don’t think the relentless holidays are normal either, I think the holidays are partly “See!See! Look what an exciting life I’m living!” And “See! I so made the right decision and of course I don’t look like a ageing cheating knob who blew his life up!” Yeah, right……
Plus a way of advertising it so that everyone can see that she thinks she’s ‘got’ him and they’re having a such a wonderful time. Not much to put on social media if you’re just in the house mucking along together, nobody would know his marvellous it all was. Apparently…
It launches them as a ‘couple’ (of twats) but possibly being together every day 24/7 they might have discovered they’re both boring each other to death and it was only a thrill when it was a secret.
Going out and doing stuff can be a way of disguising and avoiding the fact that at home with nothing to do the conversation is non-existent. A relative did this when they retired, constantly going away and doing stuff and they admitted later that they were worried about being bored in the house without their job any more. They had to find a more normal way to live and fill their time.
The twu wub twats have got to live together properly at some point and realise they’re not that special after all. Probably they’ve discovered to their horror that apart from “Anything on telly?” And “Pass the salt please.” they’ve got very little in common.

@Thewookiemustgo Brilliant post.

You and Ginger both have quite a way with words.

@Thewookiemustgo - I do like the phrase a couple of twats - I think they are running from it all and possibly think they are creating memory to blot out the long history on either side
H is proving difficult about something - I am now fully non contact. And a friend said this reflected the fact that OW is co trolling him - drive me to the graveyard, care him, town , holiday etc and do t talk about your kids etc etc and so he has to try and exert cold trip over me.
He really has stuffed up - and I was told she was boring ( and 10 years age difference with no shared history) they do need to be seen to be doing because real life is sometimes tedious and familiar.

Thank you all - it all helps to build a picture and get through this 💐

@Ilovemeggy38 Yes I appreciate that. I also have a really good grip of family law as I represented myself through a very long and protracted divorce and children's matters hearings too. Admittedly my situation was before the law changed. I just wanted to point out that sometimes these silly bastards make decisions that might not, ultimately, be in their best interests.

@Gingerloaf yes i agree with the holidays. When you're ready, I'd possibly send him a settlement figure via a solicitor that suits you. He can then go to court if he so wishes.

Oh and it's all about control @Gingerloaf. Early days after my ex left (he was a tradie), she wanted her kitchen ripped out and replaced courtesy of her late husband's insurance payouts and my ex laughed and joined in at her starting on alcohol shots after the school run. This was to ensure he couldn't drive anywhere let alone see his two year old. It kept him in her house sorting out her kitchen. She was seen several times in our local Screwfix picking up supplies because my ex was too pissed to do so. I wish I was making it up!

You are in the ring with Mile Tyson @Gingerloaf .

Not in the sense that they are stronger, but in the sense that his destruction of your life singular, and your lives together, is brutalizing.

You’re welcome Gingerloaf.
Of course she’s trying to control him, she must feel massively insecure underneath it all. You are still his wife as yet, he could get cold feet and run any day and she doesn’t know whether you would have him back or not. Don’t think she’s swanning around thinking she’s home free.
It will start to show.
What she wants him to see as her ‘taking care of him’ and ‘acting in his best interests’ might look like care and affection and love for a while, and feed his ego massively at first.
Give it time however and he will feel smothered, suffocated and controlled and probably get fed up eventually.
Affair partners know that at the start, part of their allure is being ‘yes’ women. Be as much unlike an equal partner or wife as they can. Just flirt, flatter, fornicate. Make no demands, claim no ties, agree to everything and never, ever complain.
As long as they don’t object or push for more and hang onto his every word, they look like the most adoring, easy-going woman in the world compared to the wife who expects an equal partnership and for him to make compromises. This is all great until the affair partner wants a return on her investment and wants the man’s actions to match his words. As the affair progresses and it looks like the man isn’t going to leave, cracks appear and their insecurity shows. They might start to complain about his lack of availability, or push for an answer and a date when it’s actually going to happen. They shoot themselves in the foot behaving like this and the man starts to see that there were probably strings all along in the allegedly easy no-strings arrangement and run for the hills. My husband’s AP got pushy and said some nasty, callous stuff towards the end of the affair as she got more desperate that she would never have said at the start, he realised she wasn’t as nice as he thought she was.
I think she’ll be doing her best to put all sorts of shit in his head to shore up her investment. He thinks her affair persona is the real deal. She’s got to keep that up and if she was never being truly genuine, she’ll fail. Her real personality will show. Her motives will become apparent. If he starts to feel controlled it won’t end well.
Masks slip eventually.

I haven't said much on this thread because there are amazing women on here that have been through the same as you, and can give you their valuable words of wisdom. What an incredible bunch of women!!!

The 'other women' in these situations have earned a special place in hell. The men, what can I say about them? Moronic creatures that think with their penis. Selfish little boys who have never grown up and are looking for a woman who will pander to their every need. Fucking pathetic.

@Gingerloaf I still think you are Wonder Woman and this is you are running into your new life like an absolute fucking queen 👑

Just as an after thought - I now know where the name Wonder Woman comes from. It's a bloody wonder that she can run like that, in that outfit, without her boobs flying everywhere 😂

@Fannyfiggs That explains a lot about the Wonder Bra. I couldn’t bloody run in that though without the threat of a couple of escapees.

Thank you all for the comments re control - IRL my friends say the same - he’s a chauffeur and she gets to go where she wants and keep him away from driving around the town where my not so inconspicuous car can be seen. It did make me feel better to read that she is jealous or insecure about me - she should be. What she doesn’t get is that because of the DC he and I are intertwined forever.
His need to control everything reflects his lack of control - so I need to ignore it all and give him nothing. Friends and MN have been saying that for ages and most of the time I have done that. I still have a fair amount of his stuff which he won’t collect - I think a few things will have to go into the bin to make space for my new life.

I cannot thank you enough for the boost you give me re the OW and what’s going on. I really want to see it fall flat on its face - Xmas will be interesting wherever they are. I personally cannot wait to have my DC and partners with me for a shindig! I am
pulling out all the fun mum stoppers - they always said I was more fun than H
I won’t have an Xmas like this every year as they have partner parents to see as well so this year will be great

You are all blessed and unique humans - thank you

No fault divorce stinks. They should have to pay compensation for the wasted years. Not get half of everything, or in the case of mine, keep everything and pay nothing.

He might be deliberately leaving stuff behind, so he can use it as an excuse to see you in future to reclaim it.

Stalking is a thing with many of these guys, part of not wanting to lose original partner / need to know if you find someone else etc so it’s a good the OW is keeping him away.

Adult children are not as entwining as small children with co parenting, so that’s a blessing.

You are doing so well. I wish I’d had your intelligence, strength and fortitude. I’m glad your first Christmas will be a blast. Things will be easier in a year so a quieter Christmas will be easier to cope with than an empty house the first time. New habits will be in place. You rock

You are doing so well dealing with all of this in such an outwardly calm and collected way.

I'm still gathering evidence. I've trawled through a huge amount of info and so far have found nothing incriminating. Although I have access to his phone, he usually has it with him so I don't get long blocks of time to check it out surreptitiously.

On the surface he's doing all the things that make me feel we have a future together, but I still don't feel safe. I've discovered two small lies which could be innocuous or quite significant, and need to do more digging. I'm not confronting him this time without hard evidence. I'm grateful to have your thread as an example of what to expect and how to behave if things turn out as I suspect.

I’m just wondering what they talk about? It’s quite a big age gap, isn’t it? Her dead husband? They will have few cultural references to discuss, no shared history, no major life milestones together.
He had all of those things with you for four decades.
He won’t be able to discuss his children, either.
Yes, I’m sure he feels very useful while he’s being of service but how can this couple sustain a long term relationship?
Even though he has thrown those four decades away, they can’t be wiped from his memory.
You are right about Christmas. He is going to get a rude awakening there.
At some point it will all crash and burn no doubt and by then I hope you are so strong that it won’t have too much influence on you.
He really has no idea of the woman he has walked away from.
He knows even less about the one he’s walked off with. It is all down to his own vanity.

I bet the seeds of doubt have already set in.
Missing his creature conforts.
He ain't nothing but a chauffeur/ handyman.
He will soon be fed up of this. But will be
too late old fool.
Made ya bed now lie in it.
He will be sorry he left but he did you justice as you dont deserve someone so insincere amd disloyal.
He would have done this sooner or later.
Better now when you are younger and stronger to build a new life.

. It did make me feel better to read that she is jealous or insecure about me - she should be. What she doesn’t get is that because of the DC he and I are intertwined forever.

I'm sure she does understand that, just because she's immoral doesn't mean she's stupid. Don't waste emotional energy and time thinking about her at all, for your own sake.

@DearDenimEagle - yes the leaving stuff behind is a way to eventually have a reason to return. Although I didn’t specify what the rest of the stuff was - he has been most anxious for the item she wanted …. Nagging must have been off the scale. He also thinks is he’s controlling by being awkward- but it all helps me see him for who he is.

@YorkshireTeaDance - check all names on the phone an OW could be under Gary or plumber. Has he changed his way towards you - less/ more attentive? Showering more?

@PeggyMitchellsCameo - I am sure at the moment he is being told he’s the best thing since sliced bread ( he does have qualities) but it will wear thin and the holidays give them something to talk about. Friends are coming to visit me but not seeing him - his siblings will be in touch with him and are pressuring one DC who isn’t in touch - so he will be focused on that but for now the countdown is Xmas. I think he will last longer than that before it crashes but it won’t be an easy ride he will have to bottle up his feelings - which is not healthy.

@Gummybear23 he had doubts in September but when he came to see me despite these doubts he still blamed me - as in I was not a wonderful spouse, it takes 2 to co tribute to a marriage breakup etc etc the one word he never used was sorry. He had time away and when he returned to her I reckon the kitchen sink was thrown at him to keep him because he came back with some really malicious contact. His emails were not his voice. So she had had
time to recover and think and so here we are.

he has been most anxious for the item she wanted

Whaaaat?? She wanted?? If it's not a living, breathing soul, I'd destroy whatever it is. I'd take great pleasure in doing so and then deny all knowledge 😁 grabby, disgusting old bastard.

It was only 3 months ago when you laughed at the thought of him having an affair. This whole scenario was completely inconceivable to you at the beginning of August.

You must still be in complete shock. Give yourself time. You will be happy again x

3 months is nothing. Anything they are doing now gives no indication that they will be happy together. The dust (shit storm) they created is still going up in the air, let alone having chance to settle.

check all names on the phone an OW could be under Gary or plumber. Has he changed his way towards you - less/ more attentive? Showering more?

Thank you. He hasn't changed his ways recently, though there was a time last year when I was sure he was following The Script. I didn't find any damning evidence but the suspected OW was someone he worked with (he no longer does) so it would have been easy to hide at the time. I stupidly confronted him with my suspicions. He denied anything was going on, said he was sorry I felt low on his list of priorities, and has since improved his behaviour towards me.

I will check the contacts in his phone when I get a chance.

@Fannyfiggs - it was enough that it took a while to get and I am trying not to give him any ammo. If he’s not angry with me he cannot then bond with OW so easily. I can’t explain just yet what it is that they wanted

@WellHelloScottie - thank you - it is my lesson to learn that things take time.

@YorkshireTeaDance - have you asked what he thinks about infidelity- I thought H was against it and so never considered that he would. Maybe a story in the press or even on MN you could raise and see what he does - although this may give him a heads up

Re infidelity - they're hypocrites. I thought mine was against it. He would criticise famous middle aged men who left their wives for a younger women and say they looked like an idiot, but then he did just that. She was 29 to my 47 and she wasn't even his physical type. It was as if he'd been brainwashed or drugged, they had no common ground whatsoever; she an Abba loving party girl and he a Led Zep addicted introvert. After I found out and he woke up, he was shellshocked. Under her influence, he had become a totally different person to the man I had spent 21 years with. It was out of character and it still baffles me how these women do it.