New guy just told me he used to do heroin!

[AvidPlumRaven]

I’m shattered. I met this guy online a few months ago. I fell for him quickly and he the same. I have never met someone I have so much in common with and we laugh at how we must be the male/female version of one another.

today- the shock. He decided to tell me he’s 4 years clean from heroin. I was floored. I had no idea! I was kind of course and told him
i thought he was brave for telling me but in reality I’m heartbroken.

I don’t know what to do?! Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated. Please be kind. X

Yes, he is. An addict is always an addict, just like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic.

@Florians sorry but you are wrong. There are many people who have used heroin at some points in their lives who are NOT heroin addicts later in their life. It's just fact.

I am not telling OP to go into this without thinking and making the choice that is right for her, but some of the misinformation and judgment on this thread is laughable. FYI..."once an addict, always an addict" is incredibly stigmatising.

Did he talk about how he funded his habit. Did you discuss what is different now to how things were then and how does he manage his anxiety now.
All important to know and consider if you are thinking about letting the relationship develop. It is positive that he has told you - but you need to know everything

The key point to remember here is that he's changed. Like men who have been to prison multiple times because of drink and drugs.

He used to be bad but now he's good. Form an orderly queue.

Someone who has used an addiction as a coping mechanism for years is far more likely to turn back to their addiction if they find themselves unable to cope again though.

I've seen it happen countless times, from people who have been clean for months to people who have been clean for decades. The relapse rate is pretty high.

There are many who don't, you're right about that, but would you chance it for a new romance?

Well maybe he should have thought about the stigma before he became a smackhead.

Great that he’s apparently clean, although given this is predominantly an online relationship it’s not possible to know whether that’s true. But using heroin in the first place is a choice.

I'm not wrong, my opinion is just as valid as yours. You are right not everyone relapses, but they will grapple with it for the rest of their lives to varying degrees. From lived experience I wouldn't date someone who had ever been a heroin addict.

Nope! Run for the hills.

We see the idea of "once an addict/alcoholic, always an addict/alcoholic' on here quite often, and indeed it's pretty much become an accepted mantra in our culture, due to the work of the AA.

And don't get me wrong - AA clearly help many, many people in their recovery, so clearly that way of thinking helps many.

But it's no longer the only model of recovery out there, and it's not a view all of us subscribe to. Indeed many of us find it quite limited, damaging.

I got used to have some issues around alcohol abuse, and got sober using the SMART model of recovery, which does promote lifelong sobriety, but does not encourage me to thinking of myself as a lifelong alcoholic.

Some of you might be interested in exploring their ideas.

Anyway, OP it's entirely your choice. I wouldn't be put off by someone who had used heroin years ago, provided he was in recovery now and seemed responsible and realistic when he spoke about it.

But we all look for different things in a partner. You are allowed to call time on the relationship at any point, for any reason. Others may not do the same, but really it only matters what you think about this....

Depends on what treatment he went through. I know someone who had treatment for alcoholism, he has not touched a drop for 4 years and has not even be tempted. The treatment was a lot more than attending AA and malarchy like that, it was medical treatment for addiction, which restores the neural pathways of the brain back to normal.
If he has told you early on, then I would say he is being honest and upfront, give him a chance.

He's not a heroin addict though. If he stopped smoking cigarettes 4 years ago, would you say he was a smoker?

Not a smoker, but absolutely addicted to smoking. I gave up 20 years ago but I KNOW deep in my bones (and from bitter experience) that if I had a week away and smoked cigarettes the whole time I would both enjoy it, and come back smoking. A person who never smoked would hate it and be relieved to not smoke again.

There are many people who have used heroin at some points in their lives who are NOT heroin addicts later in their life.

There are people who have used heroin, coke, all manner of drugs recreationally and are not addicts in the medical sense (or even the psychological sense). But OP's bloke describes himself as a former heroin addict. ADDICT. He also injected. The people I know who have used it recreationally have never injected. If you have ever been addicted, you need to abstain. Yes, there are maintenance programs, managed alcohol programs, reduction programs etc. But those people are still addicts. There's no stigma from me about that. But euphemisms do no one any good. Call it what it is.

Honestly, @Restlessinthenorth you sound like quotes from a textbook on denial and/or enabling. I've worked in treatment, in prisons, with gang-involved young people, and around addiction my whole life. Pretending addiction isn't pernicious and life-long hurts more people than it helps.

Alcohol and heroin are not the same. Have you been a heroin addict? How many friends have you lost to it? Have you been clean for years but know full well if someone was using in front of you you'd burn your whole life down to get back on it? People get funny about the term addict, but really it does people who have been addicted to heroin and who are now clean a disservice to dismiss the battles they face every day to remain so.

Have you been an addict if either?

@MrsTerryPratchett sorry but I've spent years as a specialist nurse addictions practitioner in a variety of settings. As @Ilovelurchers suggests. Many working in treatment settings find the AA "once and addict always an addict" mantra unhelpful for many (tho some people get on board with it and find it helpful,and that's great). Research (swathes of it, from all over the world) tells us people do recover and grown past behaviours linked with an addiction. Many people in that position do not still consider themselves as addict, and quite rightly so. I am not denying addiction to be horrifically damaging and insidious, but it's not authentic to suggest that all people who experience addiction are locked in an active battle for the rest of their lives. Some of my friends and colleagues are years out of significant addictions. Their primary identities now as different... parents, professionals etc. not addicts. They have moved beyond that and it's really insulting to suggest that people can't do so,

The problem I am having is that he is saying that it is disgusting. He has therapy around shame. I don’t understand much about this and find it a little unbelievable that he is so adamant that he’d never go back to it because he was disgusted with himself.
he says he has coping mechanisms and counselling etc and that he’d never touch the stuff again.
but as many of you say, ‘once and addict always an addict’
He is a highly intelligent man and I guess that was why I was so stunned. The media culture lets us all believe that people on heroin are down and outs.

And yes; the injecting side of it terrified me. Ignorantly I thought ‘how could this beautiful, intelligent human ever have done that to himself?’
I just could not and cannot picture it.

“Once an addict always an addict” is not quite true. My cousins, who are brothers both went through a period of alcoholism. One of them was treated in Switzerland, medically. Some people have different dopamine receptors in the brain, neural pathways form faster, these are the addicts. There will be people in this group who have never tried or tried for a long enough period of time to have alcohol/ drugs and therefore they would never know if they are addicts.
The “once an addict always an addict” mantra is from AA who have huge funding and sponsorship from governments and large corporates; they do not make available the information on treating addiction I.e. breaking the neural pathways as they have their ££££ to make.
My cousin who has been treated can be surrounded by a room full of alcohol such as a wedding, he is not even tempted.

@Restlessinthenorth thanks for bringing some much-needed balance into the thread of psychononsense!

With lived experience and a degree in addictions counselling, I’m pretty up to speed with current research that you’re helpfully alluding to.

I was a long term user of heroin and alcohol. I don’t forget how dark and awful it was (you never do). But, the very last go-to I would turn to if feeling stressed, tired, overwhelmed etc is scoring in a tower block stairwell. It’s a bit passé.

Past treatment & therapy, and ongoing recovery teaches you all the strategies and then some to live life on life’s terms, and in my full, happy and productive life I don’t particularly think of myself as an addict/alcoholic. I stay clean/sober because I have no need to use, and I enjoy using my mind drink/drug-free - either to tackle a problem, or to decide where next to go travelling. Life is short!

One final comment: to those on this thread in recovery, yes, I don’t lose sight that we are staying clean/sober one day at a time x

I am so happy you turned your life around x

@AvidPlumRaven thank you, could not have done it without help… and a sh*t load of determination! 🙏

More to the point, I hope you’re ok OP. After all, this is your thread. I absolutely get why some commenters are apprehensive, equally I’m surprised to see some are quite enlightened.

Bottom line is that none of us (myself included) can offer reliable, sweeping statements about your personal dilemma based on our own individual experiences. You’ll do what you feel is right for you at the end of the day. Good luck & take care x

It’s not ‘enlightened’ to advise a single parent to date a ‘dry’ addict who lied about their addiction.

Tbh the 'he's the male version of me' stuff gave me love bombing and narcissist mirroring vibes.

If something seems to good to be true. It usually is. I'd be wary of anyone who I'd literally describe as the male version if me. It's usually because they are wearing a mask. Narcissists reflect you back at you.

Realistically he should have said about his past maybe 3 or 4 dates in. Allowing you to decide if it was a deal breaker or not. You could then have proceeded slower and kept it as a light relationship for a year or two, to observe and get to know him.

Instead he's waited till you were attached and then sprung it on you. There's something disingenuous about that. Especially on top of the potential love bombing that's been going on.

So essentially you've been free therapy for this guy for 4 months.

Again, standard love bombing to tie you to the phone 24/7, forcing the quick creation of a bond.

You've only met the guy twice. People can say anything on the phone and 90% of communication is body language and micro expressions. Which you don't see via a call.

He could literally be anyone. And it's turned out that's the case after hundreds of hours chatting it turns out he's a body dysmorphic adict. Not that that makes him a bad person but of course would be a shock.

In future, date people in person. Avoid long texting/phonecalls. They speed up bonds that should have been allowed to form organically via dating, over time. And they allow for disingenuous behaviour to go unnoticed.

You’ve only met him twice but it sounds like he is emotionally offloading to you and you’re falling for the hard luck story.
This man isn’t your own chance at love. In the nicest possible way don’t be desperate for the first man who shows an interest.

He may well be those things behind the phone calls and texts. He can paint himself out to be whatever he likes when you aren’t together in person. It doesn’t mean anything he is telling you is real.