New guy just told me he used to do heroin!

[AvidPlumRaven]

I’m shattered. I met this guy online a few months ago. I fell for him quickly and he the same. I have never met someone I have so much in common with and we laugh at how we must be the male/female version of one another.

today- the shock. He decided to tell me he’s 4 years clean from heroin. I was floored. I had no idea! I was kind of course and told him
i thought he was brave for telling me but in reality I’m heartbroken.

I don’t know what to do?! Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated. Please be kind. X

I have mixed views on this.
The honesty is good. But it never goes.
My friend dated a guy, and he was upfront and told her he used since he was a teenager. Stopped and started many times, been through the 12 steps..
Then starting using again whilst with her, launched her round the kitchen and the threw her in the bath as he wanted to use, and raped her, dragging her out of her child's bed by her ankles, before she ended it.
We since know he's been in court twice for rape, and won both times. He's also found God.
I hope you are not dating a man from Oxfordshire, aged 44/45.

A mate’s husband is an ex addict, also heroin. They’ve been together for years, had a child, he’s a great bloke. As pp say, it can go either way. I’d want to be tested for everything in sight just in case (if you’ve been having sex obviously).

Against the grain here but I would carry on in the same way as before, and understand you can always leave the relationship if you need or want too. You haven't committed yourself to this Man, you don't need to marry him or live with him. Atm this isn't a long term thing until you decide you want it to be.
He has done the right thing in telling you and I would hope that the communication would stay open and for you to be allowed to ask as many questions as it needs for you to feel safe and for him to be trusted. He needs to understand you have questions, need security and you also you need to make it clear that him relapsing is a deal breaker.

But equally it’s fine if she decides that it’s not for her.

People who take class A drugs are just the same as anyone else. They just made the decision to try something, that something is illegal, but it feels good, and sadly is extremely physically addictive.

No. Many of us try very addictive substances and don't become addicted. Alcohol is the obvious one. Addiction happens when an effective drug finds a hole in the person that it fills. Trauma, pain, whatever.

The work of treatment is not to tackle the drug, it's to tackle the hole. If you don't do that work, you find something else to fill the hole. Sometimes that's a little more healthy; exercise, religions etc. Sometimes you fool yourself and it's weed or alcohol or sex or whatever. Denial is a powerful thing.

Since he's identified that the hole is still there, he will need to work very hard for the rest of his life. He may do that, but it's a lot. And this is a man who sought out A class drugs in his 30s. 30s... Not a foolish 18 yo.

@Heyyosu oh yes, of course. Some people do feel that way. She should do what feels right.

I just know addiction can happen to anyone, from doctors, to teachers to road sweepers. It's an illness and I try to avoid judging people on that type of thing.

He’s names not Steve is it?

@AvidPlumRaven

Diagnosed Body dysmorphic disorder?
That is an incredibly serious (if true) condition and can bring about delusions and psychosis. Drugs would be like a spark to a Tinder box.
What did he do to himself?

This is a hard one op. Personally I think it's extra hard because you've only met him in person twice if I'm reading that right. In think the more time you spend around someone the better a gauge of them you have.

4 years for me would be long enough that I'd seriously consider having a relationship BUT it would depend on how settled and resilient he is in all other aspects of his life and seeing how he navigates challenges. I'm not convinced you can accurately measure that when you're meeting in real life so infrequently.

It worries me that you're maybe 'safe' to him in a way because he can use your relationship like a confession box and a source of affirmation without actually having to do the hard work of a relationship which he might find more difficult especially given the BDD.

I think all things considered I'd be erring on the side of caution op sorry.

Thank you all. Yes it’s diagnosed body dysmorphia.
he has trauma from the past which caused it so he’s been open about that. The drugs were used to mask the anxiety as he said nothing else had ever worked. Unfortunately they stopped working but he was hooked and had to take it just to feel his normal ‘shitty’ self.
he has a sponsor who he meets with weekly and has been having therapy for 2 years.
We have not spoken since the disclosure as I said I need time. He said that’s fine and has kept quiet.
He’s not Steve from Oxfordshire… whoever he is he sounds vile.
Some pp saying it sounds ridiculous to have feelings after two meet ups- it wasn’t like that. We built this up over phone calls and now I feel I have wasted HOURS upon hours developing a bond with him.
I suddenly feel as though I’ve had potential whipped away from me. It’s difficult to explain. I always imagined heroin addicts to be dirty, non-functioning, thieving liars. I guess it just came as a shock.
The BDD is worrying in itself ☹️

Sorry, OP, obviously you're upset. But you need to spend time with someone to get to know them properly. Two meet ups isn't enough to make a commitment to someone.

Obviously phone calls weren't a great way to get to know each other as he didn't share this massive part of his life with you. And of course you are wise to be cautious about it. It sounds like he's working on it, but you don't seem compatible.

You hardly know this person, personally I would cut ties now but I am completely anti drugs. If he is only 4 years clean I would question how his life has been prior to that? He will also be higher than average risk for having disease such as HIV/Hepatitis.

Not Steve.
If someone genuinely needs to know, send me a message x

"I always imagined heroin addicts to be dirty, non-functioning, thieving liars. I guess it just came as a shock."

This is a huge misconception, unfortunately people can highly function while addicted to heroin just like any other substance. Plus... what you're describing is someone at their absolute worst. Not someone who has turned things around for themselves and are working hard to manage their addiction. It's not an automatic lost cause.

I suddenly feel as though I’ve had potential whipped away from me

You have, yes ... the potential for years of pain

Also on the subject of this being "long distance", who's to say whether he's gone for this because he's run out of local women who'll give him the time of day - or at least that it suits because there's much less chance of you meeting anyone who actually knows him?

To me a big problem is that it's long distance. If he was in the same town you could give it a try, see how he is in real life. You'd notice any behavioural changes. Same as you would if he'd never used anything in his life. I mean, I wouldn't date a recentish addict anyway but you'd at least have the option to proceed cautiously with open eyes. With LD you can't. It's just his sad life story sucking you in on the phone.

However. You spoke for hours on he phone, people can be anyone on the phone. Not to say he was necessarily lying but it's not really a great way to get to know someone. You can't see them, it's a lot of time spent apart. It's a lot of false or unverified intimacy. I realised when dating that with no ill intention, a lot of men were happy to spend hours using me as a free therapist. I could have been anyone

See it as a learning experience for future dating. Have a travel limit. Chat for no longer than a week. Have a call to see they are who they say but no deep and meaningful before meeting. Then regular in person dates. If they don't wish to do these then move on.

Please don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy here OP.
The positive is that you’ve enjoyed meeting him and chatting, this isn’t wasted time as it made you happy at the time.
Somewhere in the world there is a man just as interesting and engaging that HASNT had a heroin addiction who I’m sure would be delighted to meet you.

Do you have him on any social media @AvidPlumRaven? You may be able to learn a lot about him from that. How long distance are you?

This.

I have an acquaintance who is an ex heroin user, but he still has the more palatable addictions going on - alcohol etc.

He's a nice guy but has quite a chaotic lifestyle still, a criminal record and is quite traumatised in various ways. I wouldn't get in a relationship with him because god no, why would I do it to myself.

As someone always says, women are not rehabilitation centres for men.

He says he did herion four years ago but now he's changed. This is literal manna from heaven as far as I can work out.

If he's 6ft plus and has tattoos all over this is a very good sign.

How many people on here would be happy for their daughter to be dating a heroin addict?

Sorry, what do you mean by this?

He's not a heroin addict though. If he stopped smoking cigarettes 4 years ago, would you say he was a smoker?

A heroin addict will always be a heroin addict, especially one whom still has a worker and is in counselling. He's done amazing to be clean for so long, but it's not like nicotine addiction. It doesn't mean someone should be judged, shunned from society or whatever else; but it is sensible to consider before choosing to embark on a romantic relationship with them.

You seem to have decided to walk away, which if you are not prepared to cope with any possible relapse is the right thing to do. However, that in no way lessens the shock that you have had.