New guy just told me he used to do heroin!

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I’m shattered. I met this guy online a few months ago. I fell for him quickly and he the same. I have never met someone I have so much in common with and we laugh at how we must be the male/female version of one another.

today- the shock. He decided to tell me he’s 4 years clean from heroin. I was floored. I had no idea! I was kind of course and told him
i thought he was brave for telling me but in reality I’m heartbroken.

I don’t know what to do?! Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated. Please be kind. X

Thank you all.
I guess I feel I should have been told a little sooner because I have kids and he doesn’t. He still has therapy now and swears it’s in his past. I have never even so much as smoked a joint! No addiction in my family either. I am not judgemental of him, it’s the fear of a relapse. It may never happen but if it does and it’s 10 years away, I don’t know if I should invest that time.
it hurts because he really is a lovely person. He smoked it first then injected. Was on it for 2 years due to extreme anxiety. He has battled anxiety since childhood.

That’s the worry. The addiction never ceases. It’s how they control
it isn’t it?

You’ve got kids.

You know what you have to do.

He is NOT your project to save.

I’m not fucking around now, if you have kids you need to knock it off right now. This is not a drill.

To be blunt, ‘I have children and am considering becoming involved with an ex heroine addict, what should I do?’ should really answer itself.

Also, the male /female version of each other is a red flag and speaks of mirroring which is concerning.

Really think you need to let this one go.

Yup

@floridaidea you only get that from sharing equipment which is not that common in the UK as clean works are readily available and free. I guess she should ask if he's been screened for hep c/hiv etc. but if he's been through a recovery programme they would have probably tested him at least once during that period.
I get your point on that front though. But hopefully he'd be honest about that also.

It would be a no from me as you have children. If you were single then I may see how things go with some very strict boundaries

I would end it without hesitation as harsh as that may be.

Please let him down gently. He was honest. It’s important that he’s honest with your successor.

Thank you for all of your posts! My children are grown but that’s besides the point. It’s more that I’d be worried about them ever getting to know him only for him to relapse. It’s too much of a risk. I guess the reason I feel ‘shattered’ is because I thought he might finally be my one after so many years alone. But hey ho ☹️

For me it wouldn’t just be about him relapsing.
I would be asking myself is he living a stable life? Does he have a decent home? What work
does he do? What’s his relationship with his family like? What destruction did it cause at the time? How does he manage now?

Anxiety is extremely common but not many turn to heroin to manage it. It sounds like an untruthful excuse.

Your kids are grown and you say he’s the first person to come along in years - Please do not settle for him.

As someone who has had both a job occasionally working with addictions and having a problem with both alcohol and drugs myself, I reckon the chances of a completely sober life is about 30%, with 70% having either returning to controlled usage or occasional relapses. The 70% who don't get completely sober are obviously occasionally unreliable- they may not be very useful in an emergency at 2am for example. (But then a lot of non-addictive people are useless in emergencies, can be unreliable and can have a load of other faults - go off and have affairs, etc.)
Two years quit and still in counselling is too soon to judge which way things will go- five years quit and them thinking it's all in a terrible past they won't return to is a different matter. Also, ex-illegal drug users often abuse alcohol, and since it is legal they kid themselves it is okay.
You are in a position of making a leap of faith- you either trust them to make a go of your relationship without heroin, or you run for the hills now.
The statistics, and the objective view is run for the hills- the chances are they will ruin your life as well as their own.
Edit: I have just seen you post that your children are grown and you think he might be the 'one' - this suggests you have less to lose and more to gain by giving it a go- just go slowly.

You work with people who experience addiction yet chose to perpetuate stigma? The "always an addict" is very much an AA narrative and doesn't fit with a lot of the evidence base around addiction now.

There is a lot of scaremongering going on here. Many people use many drugs (including heroin) and are able to stop, as their lives change, with no treatment whatsoever. Many others will go into treatment and do indeed "recover", in fact addiction disorders have the best recovery are of any mental health issue, it just doesn't fit the media narrative we are fed.

OP, the choice is of course yours and it is understandable to proceed with caution. However...hes been upfront and honest, many wouldn't have been and plenty of people you may date may not be as truthful about a million different things that become an issue later down the line.

I hope it works out for you

I briefly dated a guy I fell head over heals for, who, after a few weeks, admitted that he's a cokehead/ drug addict.
It also turns out he's a sociopath with a history of domestic abuse, criminal record and is banned from seeing his kids.

Run for the hills !!!

Not all people with substance abuse problems are like that you know !! Some people believe it or not still manage to function and be a good person

Because you have kids, don't get involved with this man.

If you had no dependents and this relationship would only affect you, then it would be fair enough to take the risk.

With kids, you just can't take those risks.

I work, as part of a multi disciplinary team in children's services in a large city, a guy that was a heroin user.
He now works in safeguarding and well settled in to family life and cricket!
We worked closely for several years and he was like one of the people we work with. He told me the reason and how and when he stopped.
To be fair he has been stopped for decades as opposed to four years though.
No DV ( I know for certain as I work with his sil and cousin plus a couple of his mates from way back when and they all love him and wide adores him)

Extreme anxiety? That alone would stop me in my tracks.
But mental health problems AND addictions? I doubt it could be worse.

An ex of mine was an ex herion user. We lived together for years, he was all round a lovely guy and boyfriend. He had some real losers for friends though.

Then I found syringes hidden in the kitchen.

After we broke up, he called to tell me he had hepatitis C - he'd probably had it the whole time we were together.

So in your shoes? No way. After 20 years clean and a health check... maybe. Four isn't enough.

After 5 years of being friends one of my closest friends told me they'd been a heroin addict for 9 years and been clean for 10 and was in my town due to a relocation after giving up.
30 years clean now.

It's for the best that this person told you. It's good that he didn't wait until you were both smitten. Take it really slow. You know one new part of him. People are multi-faceted. Honesty is a good thing. Being honest about addiction is a very big leap forwards.

I was in this situation years ago. Met a guy, thought 'He's the one', then quickly discovered he'd been a heroin user. He told me he'd done some awful things (but didn't tell me what).

I was really shocked and didn't know what to do. The relationship didn't really get going, fortunately, and we fell out of touch.

I phoned him up about ten years later just to see how he was. He was in a very bad physical state - disabled really - because his veins were in such poor condition from all the injecting. So, I was really glad that I never got involved with him...

It's not perpetuating a stigma. Being an addict is a lifelong state, many addicts will agree with this. Having an addictive personality is something that does not just go away...And you do not recover, you are always in recovery. Something you have to maintain continually all of your life.

Also, addiction is often a symptom of trauma, which is not so easily fixable and a mental health issue.

I have worked with many people with addictions. And while there may be some evidence base for what you are suggesting. It is still incredibly hard to live a sober life. While I agree, the media narrative is indeed stigmatising, which I am absolutely against. You can not sugar coat the absolute devastation an addiction can cause.

Some people do become clean and change. Some people become homeless and die as a result.

@Chickadoo even the word "addict" can be stigmatising. And your description of addiction is also inaccurate and potentially stigmatising. Some may experience it as a lifelong battle. Many do not. And whilst those who follow an AA model of addiction may see it as such, many professionals (including me) and people with lived experience would describe your description as inaccurate, and disempowering. I sincerely hope you don't tell people you work with that this will be a lifelong battle. For many, this is a damaging message

Oh look, another thread with portentous comments by people with one-dimensional views about the addiction/recovery process.

Glad your chap trusted you enough to share his story (and his 4 years hard-won recovery) with you OP. Stay on your toes, take it slow and see how your relationship develops.

I was a heroin addict for a couple of decades. Now 20+ years clean, my life could not be more different. A day at a time, we do recover.

Best of luck to you both x

@DissidentDaughter it's people like you that are the fairytale version and I'm delighted you're clean and happy. However my opinion comes from 17 years of trauma supporting someone through several addictions that made and still does make mine and my kids lives hell. It's about assessing risk, if I could turn the clock back I'd have run a mile and I certainly would use that experience to avoid ANY obvious chance it could happen again. If I had a crystal ball that showed me their lifelong recovery I'd happily enter a relationship. It's really not a one sided view and even if it is, that particular side has told me all I need to know.