New guy just told me he used to do heroin!

[AvidPlumRaven]

I’m shattered. I met this guy online a few months ago. I fell for him quickly and he the same. I have never met someone I have so much in common with and we laugh at how we must be the male/female version of one another.

today- the shock. He decided to tell me he’s 4 years clean from heroin. I was floored. I had no idea! I was kind of course and told him
i thought he was brave for telling me but in reality I’m heartbroken.

I don’t know what to do?! Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated. Please be kind. X

As someone with alcohol issues I found this thread really interesting to read.

But pp have made good points about recovery and what drew you to him, if you don't feel secure it might be best to end it.

Personally I wouldn't get involved with anyone with any current or past addiction. That's not to say I don't believe they are good people or worthy of love and I think getting clean is extremely admirable but it's a no from me in terms of a partner.

Someone smoking cigarettes or vaping aren't red flags for me but all other addictions are. That might be hypocritical but we're all allowed our boundaries.

"People who do class A drugs are just the same as anyone else."
Am I really reading this. Just to clarify: no they are not.

@teenmaw I hear you loud and clear. I’d be lying if I said your story wasn’t unusual - the impact of long-term addiction on families can be truly devastating.

I don’t think it’s possible to sustain a meaningful, functioning relationship with a using addict/alcoholic without getting damaged. And it’s heartbreaking for the kids. I was certainly not fit to be a parent when using. The best decision I made was to walk away from the destructive relationship and build a future for myself and my child. I hope you and your kids have some good support in your lives.

Wishing you a peaceful weekend.

I'd run like the wind also, if people judge me for that then who cares. My DB is an addict, he's been clean for several years but he will also be an addict; he'll always be battling it and although I am amazingly proud of him and don't judge him for his past actions, the reality is it'll always be part of his life. As a sibling it's fine because I can just cut him off if he does and not have him around my family, but I wouldn't choose to be involved with someone who has been an addict. People do deserve second chances blah blah blah but the reality is you don't have to be the one to do it!

we laugh at how we must be the male/female version of one another

This would also be a red flag. Mirroring is a symptom of love bombing. You are not alike, he hasn't had the experience of raising children, he is an addict and you haven't even smoked. Your values and life experiences are very different.

Assume you are 40s or older so I suspect he was an addict for longer than he has confessed to.

I would end the relationship, too many risks you can easily avoid, even if he remains sober

(the intensity and thinking you are similar etc in the first few months are not necessarily good things, other issues aside)

You also have DC, so it’d be irresponsible to continue dating him.

Nope. I’d run. Addiction is bad enough but he injected and that puts the fear of god in to me. Sorry but I couldn’t bring that in to my life.

That's brilliant for him, well done to him.
Be his friend but don't get into a relationship with him is my view. I have done it and regretted it. If you must get into a relationship then I'd want to know why he got clean what motivates him to stay clean how he did it and how he maintains his recovery. And has he had any relapses and who did he use with are they still around.

My best friend was addicted to smoking heroin. When I first got to know him, he had been clean for about 2 years. He was always a functional addict, managing to hold down a job even when using.

Now 15 years on, he is still clean and has a career with a lot of responsibility. But he puts in a lot of work on himself and still struggles sometimes. He is friends with others who he met at NA, who are also still clean and they are a good support.

I would make sure you go into this with your eyes open. If he doesn’t have a good support system already, I would step back.

@Ethylred Yes they are. Some people make a decision to try smoking, some try alcohol, some try addictive drugs. They don't have two fucking heads. How ignorant your comment sounds.

Tbh I’d steer clear of anyone who has low self-awareness, regardless of whether they have drug/alcohol issues.

The consequences of addiction/alcoholism can be catastrophic, but it’s been a revelation, time and again, to come across not dissimilar distorted thinking/weird behaviour patterns in the non-addicted population. It seems that everyone is a ‘work in progress’.

To clarify, I would not get into a relationship with anyone who smoked weed either. This is due to my experiences.
Many people who become addicted are already in pain and dealing with damage.

I don’t condemn this person and respect the honesty.

However, a romantic partner is supposed to bring happiness and expansion to your life.

The support role and the worrying mirroring are not romantic or valuable when you are making a choice of who to trust in this way.

If you are having a sexual relationship I would want him to have the works in terms of testing. I would do the same as it would be a bit rich to ask this of him and then find something transmitted from me to him! After all (for a non drug user) it would only take sleeping with one person to catch something.

Sorry, to clarify, I meant as in we like exactly the same stuff so we laugh about that.

yes we are in our 40’s. Your advice has been wonderful- I thank you all so much. It’s tough to think I may be throwing away the chance of love and I’ve told him that it is not fair to him either. He deserves to be with someone who can trust him.

I don’t think that person is me unfortunately ☹️

I personally would run - addiction is not only about using - they tend to have certain personality traits.

I have a friend who is an ex addict. He hadn't used in over a decade. Married two kids, but serious mh issues. During that time he was a sex worker, robbed, shoplifted, car theft you name it he did it to pay for the heroin. He lived in the street for a couple of years too. He's not allowed to several countries due to criminal record and they can't get house or car insurance. Great he's kicked the habit, but the demons are probably still there.

Id steer clear from an ex addict imo

I'd end the relationship. There's too much potential for him to go back to heroin and completely fuck your life up. You'll never be able to truly trust him, and if he does start using heroin again, your life will be full of lies, chaos and heartbreak.

Four years is a long time, and he didn’t have to tell you . If you feel he is special then I would give him a chance

I'd end it.

It’s possibly the right decision. When my friend fell in love, he spent a lot of time with the love of his life and naturally, contact with his wider support network reduced. Not so healthy, and she, I think understandably, backed away.

I disagree with giving him a chance. I wouldn’t want to be there in the event of a relapse.