New guy just told me he used to do heroin!

[AvidPlumRaven]

I’m shattered. I met this guy online a few months ago. I fell for him quickly and he the same. I have never met someone I have so much in common with and we laugh at how we must be the male/female version of one another.

today- the shock. He decided to tell me he’s 4 years clean from heroin. I was floored. I had no idea! I was kind of course and told him
i thought he was brave for telling me but in reality I’m heartbroken.

I don’t know what to do?! Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated. Please be kind. X

@Restlessinthenorth

"You work with people who experience addiction yet chose to perpetuate stigma? The "always an addict" is very much an AA narrative and doesn't fit with a lot of the evidence base around addiction now."

Is this your life experience or something you've read in the Guardian? Because I can tell you straight that once an addict, always an addict is a fact not stigma.

I’m interested to know whether he has told you this after he has been intimate with you or before? If you have been intimate I think it would be a very good idea to have a full sti test / hep test
I’vehad addicts in my family who have passed away now and sadly I wouldn’t be able to date one, even if they were perfect in every single way.
The fallout if they fall off the wagon is far too much of a risk for me to consider.

Doing the timing. He took up heroin in his mid-30s? That is very unusual. What was he doing before that?

@AvidPlumRaven I feel for you and I can see why it’s a tough call but I definitely think it’s the right one. Hope you’re okay.

He has BDD. He has always had it. He said all the anxiety meds in the world never took it away but heroin did 😩😩 he is beautiful. It hurts so bad to hear it and think of him doing that.

no, we have not slept together. It’s been quite long distance so hundreds of phone calls and video calls and met in person twice.

I'd want to know a lot more about his background- meet his parents/siblings/see where he's lived. Basically assess his chance of relapse.

Does he have past trauma? Has that been dealt with?

So that in itself is concerning. His BDD is either a real barrier to his EVER having a normal relationship with a woman or the whole story is fake and you are being catfished by the modern equivalent of a pen pal/con artist.

Bin him.

Not only is there the likelihood of relapse, there's the switching to alcohol, the never being able to have painkillers in your house if you need them, the Hepatitis they'll swear they've been tested for and are 'clean', the fact that two years was just as likely 15, the crimes they committed to fund it and the way they'll have learned to say all the right things that make you feel guilty for having doubts.

Your latest update makes the scenario worse and also makes it easier to end things, in my opinion. I think it’s far too hard to get the measure of someone through phonecalls and messages. If it’s long distance you’ll have no idea what he’s doing and that will eat away at you. Plus falling hard for someone you’ve only met twice is quite unusual. Do you have any demons of your own?

Body dysmorphic disorder? Or BPD?

I wouldn't continue the relationship. Wouldn't be able to relax about the future tbh. I know you're head over heels, but you have met him twice. You don't know him, you only see the picture he's painted for you.

it's good he told you. just keep getting to know him and find out what he is about, and how he got clean. I went out with an ex heroin addict and he was, and is, a beautiful man. Clean 20 or 30 years on. I'm not with him, but it was nothing to do with having once used heroin. Be slow and mindful, but don't throw him out for some idea of perfect that won't and doesn't exist. We all have our stories.. what matters is how we manage them and deal with them. Just don't be love bombed or sucked into something too fast.

Every time he gets anxious, or his mental health goes downhill, or you and him argue, you're going to be wondering if he will relapse.

It will, ultimately, effect your relationship because you're going to be very cautious about triggering him, so there's going to be a lot of compromise and tiptoeing around from you.

At the moment you're in the fantasy/honeymoon period of your relationship, but now things are looking more and more real, and you can't handle this part (no judgement, I wouldn't either), so how will you ever move forward given all his struggles?

I've had heroin users in my life (family) and I wouldn't touch one with a bargepole honestly, not even after 20 years recovery.

I'll be honest, I'd be out. Long distance and previous heroin addiction unless short term and in the distant past (difficult teenage years). He may be a wonderful man in his own right but 4 years is relatively recent and you can't really get to know someone this way, via calls and texts.

It's not about judgement, it's about what you're inviting into your life and he sounds like a really complicated man whom you don't really know and won't truly get that chance to get to know due to distance.

Please ignore anyone dismissing the risk of blood borne disease if you do have sex. You both need full up to date testing if he was using IV.

You've made the decision to back away OP, and IMO it's the right one.

Many years ago I met someone who was charm itself. He was gentle, attentive, attractive, great company. I got the impression he was the black sheep of a well-to-do, maybe even aristo family. He drove an old VW Beetle and loved a day at the races. We got chatting on the tube and met up a couple of times for drinks. Then he told me he used to take heroin.

You talk about falling for your chap very quickly... feeling that you're soulmates... your fears about 'throwing away the chance of love', and that 'it hurts so bad' to think of him having anxiety and BDD.

That was a bit how I felt too. I think there's a certain type of heroin addict that's a 'lost boy' - immensely appealing to some women!

But once I found out about the smack the picture changed. I saw a hurt and fearful child who needed a parent, not a man looking for a partner. I saw that beneath the bohemian young-fogey trappings he was a gambler. I also saw that, consciously or not, he'd stroked my ego into thinking I could be the one to understand / protect / save him.

I was grateful that he told me before the relationship went any further. He was honourable in that way. Or maybe it was just a gamble that he took and lost. But to this day I am so glad I walked away. My life would have been very different. You might feel romantically bereft for a while OP but that's nothing in comparison to the chaos you've swerved.

All credit to him for getting clean if it really is in the past, but addicts lie like they breathe and frankly I wouldn't take this chance, especially with DC in the mix

And the reason for not telling you for several months is obvious; after all if you'd known straight away wouldn't you have run then?

As is often said on here nobody owes anyone a relationship, and why take this risk when there are plenty of men who aren't/haven't been heroin addicts?

Edited to add I posted before seeing your last update, and surely with someone you've only actually met twice there's no decision to make now?

I wish him the best, but you should be v cautious. Don’t forget the reason drugs are addictive is because the brain remembers the incredible high and wants it again and again. There are plenty of ‘clean’ ex heroin addicts who will tell you years and years later that they still dream of that first hit and that nothing since has ever surpassed it. Once tried, there’s a permanent risk to falling into the trap again.

You've met him twice. He's not your boyfriend and it's not a relationship. It turns out you're not compatible - good to know before you actually get involved.

Try to meet someone in real life. There are nice men out there.

Me personally - I would end it I'm afraid. I've had a marriage with someone with severe MH problems ending with his suicide, and I am simply not interested in having so much pain and drama in my life again. When we met he told me about the illness but soft-pedalled the reality of it, which was what I wanted to hear.

I wouldn't blame him - I certainly don't blame my husband - but there's no 'should' in this.

Oh gosh this is so hard, especially as 4 years is still not thaaaat long. I’d take it slowly as you get to know him more. I think it also depends how and why he got into it .

I wouldn't encourage you to stay in this relationship. 4 years is not 'much' time in recovery. Wouldn't be for me .

Everyone is different.

this would be a hard No from me

It's my life experience. Hope that helps

He sounds like a grade A con artist.

You’ve been communicating through messages and calls, have only met in person twice which means very little as I’m guessing that it was just a drink or dinner or similar, and now he’s pouring his heart out about his smack addiction and his alleged anxiety/meantal health?

My guess is that he’ll be wanting money for therapy next, because he loves you so much and wants to see that you have a lovely future together.

And if he’s not a scammer (which I very much suspect he is), then he’s a smack head. Either way he’s not an attractive prospect.

I recently met a (clean) drug/alcohol addict. He now helps other addicts. He is under no illusion that he can’t even have one drink because he will always be an addict.

If I was 30 years younger, I would have dated him without a doubt; he was really good fun, but also had a serious side, and I would trust him implicitly. I’m privileged to call him a friend now.