6 months affair ended.

[HeartbreakHotel24]

I know I will get some hate for this but I'm feeling lonely, isolated and hurt. I have no one to confide in about this.

I have been embroiled in a somewhat emotional affair for six months with a male friend. It did become physical and very intimate. I have a partner. AP lives with his partner still but maintained that they are not together and are only cohabiting. I stupidly believed this. I suppose my self esteem was so low at the time it started, no intimacy with my partner, treated like the hired help, I was just so unhappy but didn't feel able to leave due to having a toddler and being completely financially dependant on my partner. I have tried several times in the last few months to end my relationship but partner would beg me to stay..I have not owned up.

Basically, I've had messaged from his partner (who he maintained weren't a couple) saying she finds it weird how I don't give her the time of the day but she knows that me and him talk on Snapchat and it's shady. This is all she has to go on. No other proof. (We all live on the same street)

My partner has also seen a message by accident over my shoulder not th content of the message just his name, he questioned me about it and I just said we was chatting about something else.

Now I'm worried this is all going to blow up massively. AP has said to me he wants to end it, it's too risky, he's worried she will make his life difficult etc etc we made all these plans, he said he was in love with me and I was the best thing since sliced bread. She says he's been slagging me off and laughing at me. I think I managed to convince her that nothing is going on but I've only done that for him as he begged me not to tell her the truth.

I feel absolutely devastated. I know what I've done is wrong. I intend to own up when the time is right and it's clear to me my relationship is dead anyway. But what do I do now. I genuinely would have upped and left with him if we had the chance. I feel so stupid, ashamed and disgusted with myself but it's still hurts like hell. I don't know how I will get through this mess. And living so close and having to see him all the time is going to kill me. I know I deserve everything that's coming to me and this is what I get for behaving the way I have. I feel like I was manipulated. I confided in him about my relationship troubles and we became the best of friends before all the started. I feel like he used it to get close to me and then just use me and now the suspicious has risen he's panicked. I should have seen it coming. This behavior is so out of character for me. I'm a shy quiet person as a rule and would never have dreamed of doing anything but he came on to me and I guess I just felt good to be desired and wanted that I relished it. And now I'll be left with nothing and have destroyed everything.

Honestly, let this be a lesson to you. This is what happens when you have an affair with a person who already has a partner. The OW VERY rarely wins and usually is abandoned and cast aside.

Focus on leaving your partner - that needs to be the first step - and building an independent life for yourself and your child. I'd forget about your affair partner. It's probably not even really about him, maybe a part of you just saw him as an easy way to leave your partner - getting whisked away by someone else means not having to do the hard work by yourself independently. I'd stay away from men until you've sorted this and are single and stable. Oh, and no more affairs, of course.

You don't have to own up to anyone, but you do need to sort your life out. Stop being dependent on your DP. In fact it's very high risk to do that when not married. Do you have rights to half the house, or is that your partners too?
I hope you've not sleepwalked into a situation where he owns everything and you don't work with a DC. Never a good idea.

It is a rented house.

You need to look for work if you don't presently, or up your hours if part time. Get saving for a deposit elsewhere and move out, claim cms and try to coparent amicably- might be possible if the truth doesn't out.

Is your partner the father of your child?

Yes

As others have advised, if you feel your relationship with your partner is over then start planning to leave. Get a job so you are not financially dependent on him any more.
Living in the same street as your affair partner is a disaster waiting to happen, especially as his wife has her suspicions and your partner has also.
The best thing would be to move away with your child and start afresh.
You know you have made a mistake but there's no future with your AP. Now his wife suspects that he's been cheating he will lie low and deny everything. Give men a miss whilst you work on yourself and on creating a happier future for you and your child.

OP - rather than focusing on the soap opera twist of the story - why don't you pull yourself together and try to figure out your life. Afterall - you are a mother, and a grownup.

No one used or manipulated you. You were missing human connection and sex - and that is exactly what you have got out of the affair. People get bored and have affairs too - maybe that was true for him. Who knows. But it doesn't matter really. It wasn't some sort of true love that was going to save you from your failed relationship. It wasn't even the reason why the relationship failed.

You don't need to "own up" to anything and create drama. Your relationship is broken with no intimacy - so its end was a matter of time. You need to start making a plan on how you will function as a separate person - OR if you are going to stay and try to work on your relationship with your partner. If he wants to save it.

Have you ever told you why you are unhappy?

Just came on to say I know it all feels awful now but you will be alright and it does get better with time. X

Well you know you did a gross thing, and both of you sitting pretty with partners who wouldn’t be with you if they knew, so if the shit does hit the fan, it’s just, and the way it should be, as your partners deserve to find true love with honest, faithful partners, basically with individuals who are kind hearted and decent. Perhaps you should just come clean and stop hiding? I do feel some sympathy for you, life can be tough and people make bad choices, and people can’t help it necessarily if they haven’t got a good character, essentially we are made up of our upbringing, our integrity, our life experience and reactions to them, our view of sex and love etc. Nobody would willingly choose a partner like you, YOU wouldn’t willingly choose a partner like you, basically is all round sucks to be you. You have a very poor character but could somewhat redeem yourself by beginning a fresh start of being honest. It will mean your partner leaves you, but this is the best thing for your partner, and in the long run, for you also.

It was more than an emotional affair, your post reveals that, even if you haven’t openly admitted it. Honesty is the first step towards being a decent person, so why don’t you be honest on this anonymous forum and admit it was more than an emotional affair.

You need to focus on moving forwards. Find childcare and a job, save a rental deposit (unless family would help?) and then start afresh away from the soap opera.

She IS the soap opera

Why would you actively choose to shit on your own doorstep like this? Incredible.

people have affairs as their unhappy with their own relationship.

Don’t beat your self up any further… main thing is you know you did wrong.

you need counselling for your low self esteem and maybe a network of friends

leave no traces, delete all evidence

think you missed this bit "It did become physical and very intimate."

I missed that, I just saw the “somewhat emotional affair” part, it wasn’t an emotional affair

Don't beat yourself up. Life can be complicated. The experience has confirmed to you that both your relationships have run their course. Looking back in a few years you will see that, what is hard now will actually open new doors for you. When the chips are down it's not easy to see what lies ahead. Keep your head up and be strong. Good luck. X

I believe many of us have the capacity to do awful things. Cheating removes the right to informed sexual consent and personal agency from a partner or spouse. It involves lying, manipulation and gaslighting. It is abusive and a horrendous act and there are zero excuses. But I am a believer we can all do and be better and learning from our past is important.

Your post is crammed full of a ‘victim mentality’. You made a series of choices and decisions that has put you were you are. You need to own that. He did not force you into this. You allowed yourself to be manipulated because it suited you. You knew his character right from the start, he is a man who will cheat on his partner and he knew yours.

What you are feeling now will pass. You are addicted to the highs of the affair, you’re probably limerant and unable to think logically. Take a step back and view this from a different angle and you’ll realise this man is not a safe partner, for you or ANYONE.

Then focus on how to get out of this relationship you are trapped in. Centre you and your child. Not you and someone else’s partner and you’ll start to make progress through this.

It sounds like you met a predator. I’m so sorry … they find people who are hurting, low self-esteem… all the things you describe are things the predators seek.
I know, because I was just exactly that.
empathetic, kind, trusting, and wounded.

I hope you can get some help, and heal, so you can make a good life for yourself and not depend on these awful men.

im wishing you healing.

I think you were manipulated op. By confiding in this man about your relationship issues, he could smell that you were needy and a bit desperate. Easy pickings for a manipulative shagger.
All that said, you still chose to literally shit on your own doorstep. And that of your child. That is not good. And, staying with your partner only for his money is not good, nor is the fact that you have lied to both aps partner and your own when questioned about your relationship. That poor woman is probably turning herself inside out trying to work out what is going on and you have just lied and lied to her.
You will never feel good about yourself whilst all this is going on. Go back to work. Find financial independence and either rebuild with your partner or move on. Either way, don’t try and hide it from your partner, you removed his right to choose and that is not ok. Find a job, then tell him.

Why do you expect someone who continued to cheat on their partner to act with honesty and integrity? Nobody is special enough to make someone else into something they're not.

A predator?! 😂

Gimme a break, she was a willing participant and she fucking loved the attention!

Amazing, all these women who cheat blame it on "low self esteem"! I don't think cheating men get the same pass somehow! 😂

You have a child , responsibilities , but instead of investing in your relationship and trying to make it work you took the path of less resistance an affair ! How …..
Well done the wife for tackling you about it . You and your AP have wrecked two homes for what ? A cheap thrill !
Get off your backside , get a job nod take some responsibility for the mess you’ve created.. If your relationship is dead tell him don’t string him along like this .
He and your child deserves much better