6 months affair ended.

[HeartbreakHotel24]

I know I will get some hate for this but I'm feeling lonely, isolated and hurt. I have no one to confide in about this.

I have been embroiled in a somewhat emotional affair for six months with a male friend. It did become physical and very intimate. I have a partner. AP lives with his partner still but maintained that they are not together and are only cohabiting. I stupidly believed this. I suppose my self esteem was so low at the time it started, no intimacy with my partner, treated like the hired help, I was just so unhappy but didn't feel able to leave due to having a toddler and being completely financially dependant on my partner. I have tried several times in the last few months to end my relationship but partner would beg me to stay..I have not owned up.

Basically, I've had messaged from his partner (who he maintained weren't a couple) saying she finds it weird how I don't give her the time of the day but she knows that me and him talk on Snapchat and it's shady. This is all she has to go on. No other proof. (We all live on the same street)

My partner has also seen a message by accident over my shoulder not th content of the message just his name, he questioned me about it and I just said we was chatting about something else.

Now I'm worried this is all going to blow up massively. AP has said to me he wants to end it, it's too risky, he's worried she will make his life difficult etc etc we made all these plans, he said he was in love with me and I was the best thing since sliced bread. She says he's been slagging me off and laughing at me. I think I managed to convince her that nothing is going on but I've only done that for him as he begged me not to tell her the truth.

I feel absolutely devastated. I know what I've done is wrong. I intend to own up when the time is right and it's clear to me my relationship is dead anyway. But what do I do now. I genuinely would have upped and left with him if we had the chance. I feel so stupid, ashamed and disgusted with myself but it's still hurts like hell. I don't know how I will get through this mess. And living so close and having to see him all the time is going to kill me. I know I deserve everything that's coming to me and this is what I get for behaving the way I have. I feel like I was manipulated. I confided in him about my relationship troubles and we became the best of friends before all the started. I feel like he used it to get close to me and then just use me and now the suspicious has risen he's panicked. I should have seen it coming. This behavior is so out of character for me. I'm a shy quiet person as a rule and would never have dreamed of doing anything but he came on to me and I guess I just felt good to be desired and wanted that I relished it. And now I'll be left with nothing and have destroyed everything.

when the time is right?! seriously.
you mist that boat- soon as you become emosh\physical entwined behind yer mans back.
is par for course,given your utter lack off accountability you will buck pass its your (unaware)partners fault.
this is what happens.tough

Hey.. It might be helpful to lay low and take some time to reflect on what you truly want moving forward (whether you want to continue in your relationship ) and consider seeking support from a trusted friend or professional to help you figure out next steps. You can follow Lauren Larusso on Instagram and she has some great supportive community and advise. You can reach out to her . Honesty, both with yourself and those involved, may be necessary to start healing. Please find a friend you can download or cry to ! If there is no one you can always dm me ! You are not a bad person and you don’t deserve bad things happening to you —- you just made a bad choice in that circumstance. But yes, take your time to process and plan next steps.

Try not to beat yourself up too much, people make mistakes and honestly judging from what I've seen from friends/colleagues/life I'd say lots of people have affairs, it's not the worst thing in the world.
Personally I'd have a VERY short wallow and cry, you feel sad, you should process that (ice cream, a bath, music, a film whatever you need) and immediately block him on your phone and avoid him. No back sliding. Then focus on what you want, a future life without your partner? Or to fix things with your partner? How does that look? Plan it out, look at the steps required. Personally, I think "confessing" can be extremely selfish. It causes hurt, if you're leaving anyway why leave him with horrid visions of you sneaking around, if there's not a positive reason for him knowing then don't tell him. I strongly suspect lots of people claim honesty but mean "I'm off loading my guilt".
Focus on yourself, you got caught up in this man because you felt bad about yourself and your situation. Fix those things, grow and learn from it and then if/when you're single then you'll find the right person who treats you nicely and who is actually available. Don't tell yourself it's an unfixable mess or a huge drama, it isn't, these situations occur more than any of us know. Feel sad, move forward, make yourself happy.

Hi as some people have already said, don't beat yourself up over it. It's over now and was just a mistake. It's very easy to become a bit isolated and quite depressed in the modern world and there are many people who feel very lonely in their marriages/elationships and affairs are often just a symptom of this I think. But I think you will feel better when you start to take control, focus on your child and if possible some work. Things will get better. It just takes time...

Honesty is only considered an option rather than a necessity, by the dishonest. If my partner was leaving me, I’d be glad for them to tell me they’d cheated, even if they didn’t give further details, as it would help me to get over them, to think correctly about the situation, and realise they were the wrong person for me, and not someone I’d want to continue to invest in anyway. If they were staying with me, honesty would be a necessity because perhaps I would choose not to stay with them if I knew the truth. Dishonesty only benefits the cheat, either so they can be thought of better, or continue on selfishly in a relationship with someone that is truly unable to give real consent to that, because they don’t have all the facts.Anyone that gives this kind of advice is someone that isn’t massively fussed about honesty, and I’m not sure why anyone would want to take advice from a deceitful person, who encourages further deceit.

I wouldn’t have consented to any sex,marriage or kids if I’d known no holidays or life - someone like OP stole all
my agency from me. I have no support for the OP all you had to do was end it with your husband. I hope the other poor cheated on lady heals. You do not deserve the sympathy that’s been shown. You are weak and lacking in many ways even how to be a good role model for your child. I feel sorry for them.

I agree, having spent 15 years with a cheat, who cheated on and off almost from the beginning ( which he admitted when I left him as some kind of last attempt at making me take his seriously, and take him back)- I know the pain of spending all that time having suspicions, knowing something wasn’t right, and being gaslit and lied to. I would have left the first time he cheated and saved myself many years. When he told me I felt utter relief and it was the beginning of my healing process. Prior to that I was beating myself up on repeat for leaving him (over his temper) and that day he told me was just such a release. The thing is he stole 15 years from me, as I’d never have given my consent to remain with him if I had known. Cheats should think long and hard about that, as this level of dishonesty is as bad as rape in my opinion. You are literally taking love, sex, and time from someone who may not consent to it if they knew the truth.

You're not a terrible person. Affairs happen, you're far from the first. You don't need to confess. It isn't a tv show.
What you do need to do is end it, process that loss, get an STI check, work on yourself and WORK VERY HARD to build a more positive future - you need independence and a. And that is the only good option. If you stay where you are, in your current situation you will just do it again, with someone else, affairs are addictive sadly.
Get yourself sorted, focus, move forward.

I am glad you’ve said that it does feel like sex I wouldn’t have consented to. Life I didn’t consent to . OP can do away with the pity party and face up to the lives she and the other party have hurt and the consequences of their actions- sadly they won’t beable to as they don’t have any deep feelings or moral compass so it will just be a little wound for them.

Correct, it’s not a tv show, it’s someone else’s life, agency, and a distortion of their reality. Cheating and witholding it is the highest form of gaslighting possible

I don’t condone berating the OP or being nasty at all. It cannot be undone and OP knows it was wrong, so she needs advice on how to put it right going forward.
I also however don’t condone the minimising of cheating and it’s consequences, calling what was actually a series of deliberate choices a ‘mistake’, or shrugging off cheating as not that bad really because a lot of people do it. The number of people who perpetrate an act of wrongdoing does not ever alter, lessen or mitigate the fact that it is a morally and ethically wrong thing to do.
Infidelity was actually ‘the end of the world’ quite literally for two people I know of, they took their own lives for something that is no big deal apparently because loads of people do it.
When it happens to you, it is the end of your world as you knew it, the end of your children’s world as they knew it, and causes a huge amount of pain, upheaval, mental heath struggles and permanently changed lives.
I feel sorry for the OP in that she chose to cheat, nobody wants to be that person or drop their personal integrity to that extent. However lying, deceiving, manipulating, gaslighting and removing sexual agency from another is still abuse.
OP’s neighbour lied to and manipulated OP and his partner. OP surely also lied to and manipulated her partner in order to keep her affair secret. The only victims here are the duped partners.
Whether the perpetrators are male or female, we should not be sympathising with or minimising behaviour like this. None of us are perfect, no and OP is brave to
post here, but that does not mitigate or change the reality of what she and her neighbour have chosen to do.
The main thing after a lapse of character is to learn from it, own up, apologise and do the right thing, decide to be truthful and move forward authentically, whether that is with or without her partner.
OP is not a bad person, she is a person who made bad choices. I hope she makes better choices and embraces truth going forward which will also help her forgive herself for the pain she and her neighbour have both helped to cause.

You fucked up. Own it.

I think that the fact that this affair ended because his wife started to suspect says it all: He wants her not you. Whatever he told you, whatever he promised, it was lies. Her becoming suspicious could have been the perfect time for him to confess his love for you and invite you to run off into the sunset...he did not. In fact, he is nigh on begging you not to tell his wife!

You are hurt because you believed these lies and now you feel betrayed. It is quite normal to feel hurt and betrayed as a result of lies...

See that hurt? See that betrayal? That is exactly what you will inevitably cause your partners to feel too when this mess comes out. 🙁

Affairs are never a good idea as they are based on lies. In this case, hurt and betrayal all 'round because he doesn't actually want to be with you after all the lying.

If you are unhappy with your current relationship make arrangements to separate. Make your child your priority. Learn from this and move on. Create a happier future that doesn't involve deceit, sneaking around, and checking over your shoulder all the time. I hope that you find the right, single, partner to share that future with you.

I don't think you're a terrible person, but affairs do cause emotional pain and heartbreak and this has been caused by both of your actions and i think it's really important that you address this mistake by going to therapy. If you acknowledge that you have hurt others, done wrong, apologise and take action to prevent it happening again, then you have done everything you can to atone for your mistake.

Your current partner might be contributing to you being unhappy, but you can't blame him for you having an affair. Your behaviour is caused by your own feelings and self esteem and this needs to be addressed by YOU, this will then give you the tools to take action with your current relationship whether that be couples counselling or you having the drive to leave the relationship.

You aren't financially trapped in this relationship, you are in a rented house. Many many single non working Mothers live in a rented house with their child/ren. You don't need a man to provide a rented home for you, and you certainly don't need another man to have an affair with and for him to rescue you from your situation. You can do this yourself.

"It seems people are understanding of the fact that cheating happens not solely because someone is the most awful person ever"

Only as long as the cheater is a woman. Reading some of the replies in this thread anyone would think the OP is somehow a victim. It makes me want to vomit.

My ex-DP cheated on me for 3 months with one of my so-called best friends. Both of them knew exactly what they were doing but didn't give a shit. They were both equally as bad as the other.

Spot on. 👏

One thing an affair is definitely NOT is a "mistake". It's a series of carefully planned events that in this case lasted 6 months. That's not a mistake, please stop trivialising it.

Absolutely. This wasn’t a one off stupid heat of the moment mistake, it was 6 months of sneaking around lying. She didn’t trip and fall into his bed by accident.

Both have partners and both are equally grubby

This will come out OP. Things like this NEVER stay a secret.
i couldn’t personally live with the guilt, I’d be ending the relationship (being truthful why), getting a job and standing on my own two feet.

You are hurt he hasn’t picked you, this will go and you will feel better. But sort your shit asap.

I know we all make mistakes, but it sounds like you only feel guilty because he wants to end it. Otherwise you would have kept it going.

Honestly, I just feel for your toddler, because yes selfish behaviour ruins lives.

I absolutely contest that, and feel exactly the same if it were a man. Every situation is different. I’m not saying your husband should be absolved of guilt, he may well be a god-awful person. I’m say it’s not black and white to say everyone who has cheated is a nasty human. We are complex individuals with complex minds.

If you engage in something (over and over again) and you know that there will be people hurt. And you know your own child will be hurt. I wouldn’t be saying that’s a good person.

I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it - your partner left you in a situation where none of your emotional needs were met. This block plugged the gap but it’s over now. Move out and sort out employment asap and next relationship choose someone better is what I’d do in your situation. Don’t stay whatever you do - leave while you are still young enough to find someone else.

Yes, because it's obviously her partner's fault. 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

Hopefully HE will find a better partner in the future. You know, one who won't have an affair.

Yep. Her partner wasn’t fulfilling her needs so she almost had no other choice but to start shagging her neighbour. I mean what other option did the poor old innocent blameless ickke thing have eh?

And let’s not worry about the other blokes partner - I mean she’s irrelevant so it seems