6 months affair ended.

[HeartbreakHotel24]

I know I will get some hate for this but I'm feeling lonely, isolated and hurt. I have no one to confide in about this.

I have been embroiled in a somewhat emotional affair for six months with a male friend. It did become physical and very intimate. I have a partner. AP lives with his partner still but maintained that they are not together and are only cohabiting. I stupidly believed this. I suppose my self esteem was so low at the time it started, no intimacy with my partner, treated like the hired help, I was just so unhappy but didn't feel able to leave due to having a toddler and being completely financially dependant on my partner. I have tried several times in the last few months to end my relationship but partner would beg me to stay..I have not owned up.

Basically, I've had messaged from his partner (who he maintained weren't a couple) saying she finds it weird how I don't give her the time of the day but she knows that me and him talk on Snapchat and it's shady. This is all she has to go on. No other proof. (We all live on the same street)

My partner has also seen a message by accident over my shoulder not th content of the message just his name, he questioned me about it and I just said we was chatting about something else.

Now I'm worried this is all going to blow up massively. AP has said to me he wants to end it, it's too risky, he's worried she will make his life difficult etc etc we made all these plans, he said he was in love with me and I was the best thing since sliced bread. She says he's been slagging me off and laughing at me. I think I managed to convince her that nothing is going on but I've only done that for him as he begged me not to tell her the truth.

I feel absolutely devastated. I know what I've done is wrong. I intend to own up when the time is right and it's clear to me my relationship is dead anyway. But what do I do now. I genuinely would have upped and left with him if we had the chance. I feel so stupid, ashamed and disgusted with myself but it's still hurts like hell. I don't know how I will get through this mess. And living so close and having to see him all the time is going to kill me. I know I deserve everything that's coming to me and this is what I get for behaving the way I have. I feel like I was manipulated. I confided in him about my relationship troubles and we became the best of friends before all the started. I feel like he used it to get close to me and then just use me and now the suspicious has risen he's panicked. I should have seen it coming. This behavior is so out of character for me. I'm a shy quiet person as a rule and would never have dreamed of doing anything but he came on to me and I guess I just felt good to be desired and wanted that I relished it. And now I'll be left with nothing and have destroyed everything.

Poor OP, how could you possibly have known there would be consequences to your own actions.

If there is anything remotely remorseful about either of you, you will both tell your partners, and let them decide what to do with the information.

I find it really tedious that people constantly use this as a "gotcha".

This is a female dominated message board, and that's a good thing.

We do not need to be equally concerned about men's feelings or experiences, there's a big old male-centred world out there.

This is not the BBC we don't have to drag the male experience in for "balance". 🙄

Why are people saying a solution is that op takes her child away from their dad?

Firstly, stop with the self-flagellation. (And ignore all the posters here sticking the knife in).

Its a very ordinary thing you have done in very understandable circumstances. Its something you say you wouldn't want to repeat so you can learn from this experience to avoid it again.

Stop looking back and focus on what you want moving forward.

As other have said you need to sort out your financial independence first, so work on that as a priority.

Good luck OP.

This is absolutely outrageous.

You can’t leave your partner because you rely on him for money, so instead of getting a job or working on your relationship you've been shagging your neighbour???

It sounds like it’s only a matter of time before your neighbour’s partner tells your partner.

Get your shit together and come clean. This is all going to blow up in your face.

So, double standards and blatant hypocrisy are a good thing? Perhaps they are in your world but certainly not in mine. People shouldn't get a free pass when it comes to cheating simply because they're women. 🤦🏻‍♀️

They don't. They usually get massively criticised.

I just don't particularly care if men would get an even rougher ride here. So what? There's a million places they can go to get "boys will be boys" etc.

My heart bleeds for you OP.

"They don't. They usually get massively criticised."

Good. Nothing more than they deserve.

I think it's likely he already has been told if he's gone silent?
OP, you're not a terrible person. You're just human and you're acknowledging your mistake.
And you're also very brave to post so honestly about it.

Next step is to put that energy into sorting out yourself and planning your life to move past this. The affair could have been a reaction and escape from other things and you fell into a limerant trap with a man who (as a previous poster noted) is a predator and presents as a Night in shining armour to rescue you but it was just a lot to get his end away.

You're brave just to post here and take the flack and vitriol from some posters so I feel that says a lot about your character.

Move forward with your baby, co parent respectfully with your ex and don't date married/attached men in future.

Your partner and his need to know they are at risk from STIs

More fool the OW staying with him and sounds like he’s done this before !!!

Couldn’t agree more- so much victim status in this. No regard for the betrayed partners or children involved. Just blame the man and take little responsibility.

You need to cut ties with AP and forget about him.
As other have said you need to sort your immediate life out and find a way to become self-sufficient so you can move away. You’d need to move away from there even if you told your partner and planned to make a go of it - it’s a basic requirement for moving on in any way.

The AP was never an answer or a real thing. It was a situation caused by a lack of boundaries by you and you not getting your needs met at home. That’s a communication issue that’s quite conking but stay or leave your proper relationship it’s something you need to work on for your future happiness.

Good luck, you can get better. You used the wrong strategy to get your needs met and you can learn from it

Maybe focus on your child and how all of this will affect them. And worry less about yourself.

You had an affair with someone who had a partner . Its no excuse saying both relationships are practically over.

@HeartbreakHotel24 how are things?
Is the house rented in both your names?

You can live in the same home and be separated.
If this is what you choose to do then apply for UC as a single person . You look after you . Your partner or ex looks after himself and you both look after your child .
save some money and move out. Unless he would want to move out?
You could get a job if your dp is a decent dad ?

you have options .
Also everything that neighbour said to you is classic from cheating men .

Many have fallen for it . You did and you will get over it .

I wouldn’t tell current partner until
you have ended the relationship and are in your own space. You are only telling them to get rid of your own guilt.

sort out one relationship at a time.

No judgement. Just a huge hug and some understanding x

This sums it up, it's not an excuse but think about your poor child you created this no one else

You need to start taking responsibility for your own life, instead of passing it over to your partner or the bloke down the street. Your choices led you here, and your choices need to get you out.

Get a job.
Learn to pay your own way.

You played with fire. If you get burned, it's on you.

Stop shagging your neighbour while your partner paying for the roof over your head

Not really. It seems people are understanding of the fact that cheating happens not solely because someone is the most awful person ever, but because of a million different reasons/decisions/feelings that led to that point. People are more complex than “cheating = bad person, loyalty = good person!!!”

@neverstartingstory

"Its a very ordinary thing you have done in very understandable circumstances."

No it isn't. Shitting on your partner and someone else's isn't "ordinary" behaviour for most people - and what are these understandable circumstances? Just because you're in an unhappy marriage doesn't mean you've got to have an affair. Some women actually manage to sort their lives out (for their children as well as for themselves) without running into the arms of another feckless man who pays them a few cheap compliments.