6 months affair ended.

[HeartbreakHotel24]

I know I will get some hate for this but I'm feeling lonely, isolated and hurt. I have no one to confide in about this.

I have been embroiled in a somewhat emotional affair for six months with a male friend. It did become physical and very intimate. I have a partner. AP lives with his partner still but maintained that they are not together and are only cohabiting. I stupidly believed this. I suppose my self esteem was so low at the time it started, no intimacy with my partner, treated like the hired help, I was just so unhappy but didn't feel able to leave due to having a toddler and being completely financially dependant on my partner. I have tried several times in the last few months to end my relationship but partner would beg me to stay..I have not owned up.

Basically, I've had messaged from his partner (who he maintained weren't a couple) saying she finds it weird how I don't give her the time of the day but she knows that me and him talk on Snapchat and it's shady. This is all she has to go on. No other proof. (We all live on the same street)

My partner has also seen a message by accident over my shoulder not th content of the message just his name, he questioned me about it and I just said we was chatting about something else.

Now I'm worried this is all going to blow up massively. AP has said to me he wants to end it, it's too risky, he's worried she will make his life difficult etc etc we made all these plans, he said he was in love with me and I was the best thing since sliced bread. She says he's been slagging me off and laughing at me. I think I managed to convince her that nothing is going on but I've only done that for him as he begged me not to tell her the truth.

I feel absolutely devastated. I know what I've done is wrong. I intend to own up when the time is right and it's clear to me my relationship is dead anyway. But what do I do now. I genuinely would have upped and left with him if we had the chance. I feel so stupid, ashamed and disgusted with myself but it's still hurts like hell. I don't know how I will get through this mess. And living so close and having to see him all the time is going to kill me. I know I deserve everything that's coming to me and this is what I get for behaving the way I have. I feel like I was manipulated. I confided in him about my relationship troubles and we became the best of friends before all the started. I feel like he used it to get close to me and then just use me and now the suspicious has risen he's panicked. I should have seen it coming. This behavior is so out of character for me. I'm a shy quiet person as a rule and would never have dreamed of doing anything but he came on to me and I guess I just felt good to be desired and wanted that I relished it. And now I'll be left with nothing and have destroyed everything.

Forget about the affair partner and his other half, and focus on separating as amicably as possible for your child’s sake. Move to a different part of town. Start working if you’re not already in employment, apply for Universal Credits. Be practical not emotional. You’ll be ok.

Karma.

Absolutely. MN seems be be some sort of parallel universe if ‘not happy on your marriage, shag your married neighbour’ is considered ordinary and understandable

I split up with my husband because he found out I was planning to meet someone from work. We hadn't kissed let alone slept together.I held myself responsible for the break up for years but when I look back now I realise that he was not a nice person. I would often wake up to him having sex with me and he groped me the whole time, pestered me for sex frequently and didn't like taking no for an answer. He was unsupportive and left most things to me. So of course I responded to some male attention. I was young and naive. I don't think it's fair to comment on the OPs behaviour when we don't know how her day to day life is with her husband. It's easy to judge when you are older and wiser, but when you're younger you are a bit naive.

An exit affair is a tale as old as time. It doesn't excuse it but it is very common.

OP Leave your relationship, you say it's dead in the water anyway so do that first. Forget about AP as he is low life, you wouldn't want a cheater as a partner anyway. The affair was a mistake and needs to be left in the past.

You would definitely benefit from some counselling to help you make sense of things, establish better boundaries, improve your self worth and actually take accountability for your life. You have a child and you are a role model for them. They need peace and stability, not drama.

Google low-cost counselling in your area and start being the architect of your own life.

I had an emotional affair, it started as banter, music tastes, and then one night he said he fancied me - nothing happened by the way, because whilst I didn't like my husband at the time, I also didn't believe in cheating, still don't. So I came home and I told my ex husband it was over. He would have forgiven me because nothing happened. But I knew I'd broken boundaries, so I ended it there and then with my ex.

What came next was a huge MH breakdown in the middle of the pandemic.

My marriage was dead, my ex would literally have continued for the sake of the kids, I didn't agree.

Treat this other man as a catalyst if anything and absolutely LEARN from it.

I do believe he manipulated you, wouldn't describe him as a predator though.

Now you need to get your shizzle together, face the music, but, it won't be an easy ride.

And no - I'm not an advocator of affairs, but I completely understand why they happen.

Thinking of you.

I know! When women have been cheated on, MN always tells them sternly that they have no right to be angry with their partner's mistress... but when it's the other way around, the other man is to blame? How does that work?

Agreed

That's very unfortunate, you just lost everything. Learn the lesson and try again a good life and setup an healty example for your children. Make them proud of having you as a parent.

Without wanting to seem harsh you sound rather petulant and pd off that it's all come to an end. The only victims in this are his partner, your partner and any children together. Cut your losses, grow up and think of the devastation you have both potentially caused

Of course she's been used and manipulated. Did you not read the part where he told her he wasn't properly with his partner and now his partner has found out he's backed off???

This is the perfect time to sort everything out

br confident in your choice. Know he’s a twat and you’re better off without. Throw him to the wind and he’ll realise what he’s let go.

you’ve got this. Be strong. You deserve better than him and your partner

yoj need to deal with your own confidence

Not too complex, this one. Block AP and his partner. Dump your partner. Maybe get support first, find out about housing etc. This doesn't have to be a mess in your life if you don't let it. Be clear. Your own relationship is over. Your affair is over too. Great. Sort out the practicalities and start afresh. You'll be fine. Don't accept any nonsense like 'trying again' or 'waiting' for the other one. Just look after yourself.

Crikey, I hope you are perfect and have never made a mistake. I laughed when you said that you have sympathy for the op because she can't help not having a good character. You're so very sure of yourself aren't you?

A mistake happens once. I don’t agree with the full on character assassination but this wasn’t a mistake. Every step of the way they could have stopped it. Saying is a mistake minimises what it is. I actually knew a betrayed spouse who killed her self on discovery. I don’t think it’s fair to call on going deception of 2 families a mistake. It was deceptive, cruel, mean and devastating for the families of these 2 involved I’m sure.

You’re getting what you deserve. I hope both your partners do find out. The fact that you all live on the same street makes it even worse! What a way to demonstrate that you don’t give a fuck about your partners and families. You set out knowing you could ruin lives, and here you are. You reap what you sow.

I found out four days before birth my husband was unfaithful. Words can not explain the hurt and turmoil that brought about. I'm sorry you are hurting. I also think you are responsible for you and you and him have invited problem into your own life and acted selfishly towards marriages and families. You feeling guilty is what a situation like that brings about. And secrets always comes out. I am glad she found out. I applaud her bravery for confronting you and I think the only honest and right thing would be to come cleaned in your own relationship and to her. It is not kind to lie. Only the truth sets free. You are also manipulative but you only see it in the man you have cheated with. You should really figure out who you are and what your life is about. I'm sorry your own relationship has struggled. You ought to have addressed those issues and not done what you did. Admit your guilt to yourself. And ask God to show you the way forward. Everyone can end up in a mess. And there is always a way through. Marriages are holy, if you put yourself in the middle of a union that it is not yours, you do get hurt.

Oh dear, what a shame ....,

Yes I am, and I wouldn’t trust her character in a romantic relationship, sometimes it helps people to hear the truth

People are being very mean. We don't know enough to judge your actions. You're in a horrible position and you've been used. Just plan your way forward. Get a job. Move out. Get on with the rest of your life.

It’s obviously going to all come out any day now.

So why don’t you and this man both leave you’d partners and then start a proper relationship??

If both of your relationships are over/practically over already, then why are you not together??

After all this time on Mumsnet, I don't know why I am surprised as to the number of sanctimonious women in these chats.

OP made a big mistake. It made her feel better to type it out to a bunch of strangers who have no involvement in her situation. If it wasn't your husband or partner, why does anyone feel the need to berate her? Giver her a break. If there are consequences to come from this she will be the person to feel them, not any of us.

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you and promise you the hurt will get better with time.

Signed, the Whore of Babylon :)

Oh, mate. What a pickle you've got yourself in!

I wonder if you do actually want to make it work with DH. I say that because you talk about coming clean, which is only actually relevant if you plan to stay, right? Otherwise, just leave. If the relationship is ending anyway, it doesn't really matter why.

I think if you sit and tell him everything and explain why (without the bits where you drift off into self pity - I understand it, but I don't think he will), maybe this could be the thing that makes him hear you. Of course, it also might not. Maybe he'll leave you anyway. But at least if you tell him, you won't spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder.

I wonder, though, did you really love AP, or were you just bowled over by the attention? If you received a devastating diagnosis tomorrow, who is the first person you'd want to call? I ask, because even during the most difficult parts of my marriage where the children were small and I wanted to murder my husband 99.9% of the time, the answer was still always him. He was frequently distant and grumpy and bloody useless around the house, which often left me feeling quite as you have (he is much better now than he was. Therapy is a wondrous thing), but he was always my number one person. Nob that he was.

Was AP that for you? Was DH? Are either of them, now? Work that out before you speak to DH so you can understand what you even want before you ask. It'll be alright, though. Even if it all blows up in your face and everyone is screaming at you, it'll be alright. You did a shitty thing, but you're not Hitler. Giant space ball, and all that. Proportion. Time heals all wounds.

Chin up, mate.