I know I will get some hate for this but I'm feeling lonely, isolated and hurt. I have no one to confide in about this.
I have been embroiled in a somewhat emotional affair for six months with a male friend. It did become physical and very intimate. I have a partner. AP lives with his partner still but maintained that they are not together and are only cohabiting. I stupidly believed this. I suppose my self esteem was so low at the time it started, no intimacy with my partner, treated like the hired help, I was just so unhappy but didn't feel able to leave due to having a toddler and being completely financially dependant on my partner. I have tried several times in the last few months to end my relationship but partner would beg me to stay..I have not owned up.
Basically, I've had messaged from his partner (who he maintained weren't a couple) saying she finds it weird how I don't give her the time of the day but she knows that me and him talk on Snapchat and it's shady. This is all she has to go on. No other proof. (We all live on the same street)
My partner has also seen a message by accident over my shoulder not th content of the message just his name, he questioned me about it and I just said we was chatting about something else.
Now I'm worried this is all going to blow up massively. AP has said to me he wants to end it, it's too risky, he's worried she will make his life difficult etc etc we made all these plans, he said he was in love with me and I was the best thing since sliced bread. She says he's been slagging me off and laughing at me. I think I managed to convince her that nothing is going on but I've only done that for him as he begged me not to tell her the truth.
I feel absolutely devastated. I know what I've done is wrong. I intend to own up when the time is right and it's clear to me my relationship is dead anyway. But what do I do now. I genuinely would have upped and left with him if we had the chance. I feel so stupid, ashamed and disgusted with myself but it's still hurts like hell. I don't know how I will get through this mess. And living so close and having to see him all the time is going to kill me. I know I deserve everything that's coming to me and this is what I get for behaving the way I have. I feel like I was manipulated. I confided in him about my relationship troubles and we became the best of friends before all the started. I feel like he used it to get close to me and then just use me and now the suspicious has risen he's panicked. I should have seen it coming. This behavior is so out of character for me. I'm a shy quiet person as a rule and would never have dreamed of doing anything but he came on to me and I guess I just felt good to be desired and wanted that I relished it. And now I'll be left with nothing and have destroyed everything.