Anyone else trying not to contact a guy 3

[SunsetSkylane]

Anyone still want to chat?

@pubertyalloveragain I think you posted last on thread 2, how you doing?

@namechangeforthis5 @Frith2013 @Thewookiemustgo another thread if you want it, or maybe you're all magically cured - or maybe Wookie is sick of our shit 😂😂

Chatted to my one for a bit the other day after work, went through a few things and he got upset. I do feel for him, he's still grieving and trying to sort his mums estate out.

I'm off this week and he's off some of next so unless we make contact we won't be needing to have any. I'm just feeling a bit indifferent at the moment, I really don't want to hate him and hope we can get to some level of friendship eventually.

Just feel very sad about it all more than anything

I caved last night, Halloween has always been a time of big connection between us. No response obviously. Still heartbroken, really want to tell him how disappointed I am in him. I knew he can be ruthless, never thought he was cruel or cowardly. How’s everyone else doing?

I don't think you can fairly describe him as being cruel or cowardly in not responding. I think he is doing the most sensible thing in not replying otherwise if he did respond, things could re-start between the two of you and I think you said that he wanted to repair his relationship with his wife?

He messaged me and said 'I'm sorry'.

And I pretended not to know what he was talking about.

But all I wish I had said is 'I'm not'.

@Vanishedinexplicably I’m another one who doesn’t think he’s being cruel or callous, far more cruel to you and his wife to keep contacting you when he has made his choice. This is and always was the big risk with being with someone who is married or has a partner. At some point a choice must be made and if it’s not you, the last thing they want is to be found out after they’ve ended it. The only way for a marriage to work after infidelity is for the married spouse to go completely non-contact, and if he’s staying faithful to his wife, that’s what faithful means and he shouldn’t contact you at all.
Given how you feel, it’s absolutely understandable that you want contact but it’s unseasonable to expect it any more. You could blow up their marriage doing this and hurt yourself badly in the process. His wife will get: “It wasn’t me, I broke it off and didn’t contact her again but she won’t leave me alone and kept texting me.” And now (although you are not) you end up sounding like the mad and obsessed ex-OW home wrecker and will be blamed for all of it.
There’s a lot at stake in your situation, I hope you find the strength to leave them alone. If he wants to leave her he will. If he doesn’t, you have no right to keep contacting him, whatever he said to you. He treated you badly and honesty would have been better than cowardice, absolutely. But this was always the risk you were aware of and chose to take. I’m genuinely sorry he has been such a git to you and his wife, you have been lied to also, but at the end of the day it was a risk you both took in full knowledge of the situation and the ways in which it could pan out for both of you. To start up the affair again and continue to deceive his wife would be a terrible way to treat her, no matter what he might have said she’s like, and you would be the accomplice.
The only way is honesty now.
Keep your dignity and leave them to it. If he tries to save his marriage and fails and leaves her, that’s a whole new situation. Until then he’s as married as the day you met him and nothing has changed and in my experience is pretty unlikely to.
I’m not judging you, I can see both sides. My husband’s OW texted him from her holiday after he ended it and he ignored it. To him it was history. She had gone apeshit with him when he ended it. Bizarrely she went on holiday and started texting him photos and what she was doing as if the affair hadn’t ended. Frightened him to death as he thought she had accepted it was done. Finally after she got back after two weeks of him totally ignoring her holiday texts, she wanted to see him as if nothing had changed. He had to respond and told her no, he hadn’t replied because she knew how it was and he was with me and it was over and he was not going to any more. He got a huge tirade about how she wasn’t going to let him head fuck her any more (he wasn’t, he’d told her straight several times, she just didn’t want to accept it after all he’d said during the affair) and that was that.
Don’t set yourself up for further hurt and disappointment, if he wants you he’ll leave and find you. If he replies you’ll never know the real reason why. Panic maybe because he’s worried that if the texts increase in frequency you’re getting angry and he’ll get caught and needs to calm you down so you don’t blow up his life, or guilt at how he’s treated you…. you know he lies so how can you trust what he says?
Until he’s decided to be honest and he’s free, you’ll either be waiting forever or back where you started, in an affair with a married man who still hasn’t left his wife.
You’re worth more, you know you are. Don’t give in or give up, walk away with your head held high and put yourself first. He’s not.

Wow, that’s quite a kicking when I’m down. I posted for support from people in similar positions, not judgemental misinterpreting of what’s happened.

This hasn’t been some all out affair. We were colleagues, became friends, strengthened when I helped him out with something hugely important. We were both cheated on by our spouses. He wasn’t wearing his wedding ring, has slept in a separate room from his wife for ages, won’t even share a room with her on holiday. That’s “how married he was when I met him”. He literally told me a couple of months ago he had feelings for me too and we were talking about what options might be. We had a normal conversation after that, planned to meet up and he has not contacted me since. I’d say that was cruel. I perfectly understand if he’s made a decision to try and work things out (again) with his wife but absolutely cowardly not to tell me.

How are you doing @SunsetSkylane ? Hope you are managing to take your mind off it over the weekend

@Vanishedinexplicably I’m sorry if you think I was being judgemental, I was saying stay away from it all.
Here’s why I think he’s just quibbling with definitions of marriage and an affair:
Does his wife know about you? Know what he has said to you?
If not, then it’s an affair. It doesn’t matter where he was sleeping or whether he had his wedding ring on or not. It doesn’t matter if his marriage is awful and they don’t share a room. If this arrangement between them is understood to be monogamous, and he’s seeing you and you’re a secret, he’s cheating, no matter how awful or on the way out his marriage is supposed to be. It’s either ok with her if he’s seeing someone else, or it’s not. If her staying with him is dependent on them both staying faithful, even if she’s cheated before, then that’s the arrangement they are staying married under. No matter how awful she might be, he’s also being a shit to her to hide a relationship with another woman from her. That’s all on him, not you.
I’m honestly not judging you, I’ve said before in another post that I think his treatment of you is utter shit.
You’ve joined the thread because it’s a thread for people who want to stop contacting a guy. I was pointing out the reasons why I don’t think you should contact the guy you are trying to stop yourself from contacting.
He was a complete twat to disappear with no word, totally agree with you. His behaviour towards you is terrible and you don’t deserve it at all.
I still think that if he’s done this he’s not worth your caring about him anyway, or the pain he’s caused you. I also think that if you think he’s gone back to his marriage and gone no-contact with you, you should leave him and his wife to their allegedly dysfunctional relationship until he leaves her and contacts you. I’m not at all trying to kick you when you’re down, he needs the ass kicking. I do however, unless you’ve seen directly how they live together, unless you have concrete proof of their situation, advise you to take most or all he says about his marriage with a pinch of salt.If you know this for a first hand fact yourself, fair enough. Just don’t take the word of a liar. Cheating men say the most jaw-dropping claptrap to their trusting wives and trusting OW. The fact that he lies to his wife to be able to enjoy himself says a lot about him, not his marriage. The fact that he has ghosted you after all he has said to you says a lot about him too.
I’m not in your situation now, no. But I was in a similar situation many years ago and I do know how it feels to be told you are the love of somebody’s life and in my case they are going to end it with their fiancée because they don’t love her any more and it would never work out if they got married blah blah and believe every word. Then an abrupt about turn. Literally from “my God I love you so much.” To nada. Because no doubt she suddenly knew what he was doing. I was heartbroken and desperate to hear from him and was limerant and miserable for a long time and caved in and contacted him more than once. He’d got it made, me still willing to accept his crumbs and even sleep with him (I’m not proud) without having to promise me anything. Because he meant it this time blah blah. The bastard even sent me a flirty postcard from his honeymoon a couple of years later! You can’t make some people up. If anybody told me he was a twat at the time I was deaf to it. I could see the situation myself but didn’t want to, I was blind to it. It bloody hurt.
I apologise if it sounded like bashing but for your own good you need to stay away, I just think he’s going to hurt you all over again, for reasons only he knows and doesn’t admit he’s back with his awful wife and bizarre marriage and treating you like you don’t exist. He’s being a complete shit. It will go on for years if you let it.
You deserve better. I wouldn’t say that about you if I didn’t mean it or was judging you.

I found out "mine" wasn't going to our joint hobby last week. So I attended, for the first time in 4 months, and had a lovely time. 😀

No contact since July 14th, save one party where it was impossible to avoid him completely. I asked him nothing and gave him the world's shortest answers.

He's still blocked on everything and, we can be sure, is still a prick.

@Frith2013 im glad you enjoyed it. Please keep going to it.

@Vanishedinexplicably

I can't understand why you don't talk to his wife, you are all grown ups and if he's being honest then there should be no problem.

I do think this is the way that mm operate though, it's like a form of blackmail, they entice ow to support them, you understand him, you want to take his pain away, you wan't to please him, love him where his wife doesn't.

Part of that comes into play when they end it or tire of ow, they turn it round on you, I thought you understood me, I thought you wanted the best for me and my life.
Now how could you expect more or even think about retribution when that was the whole point of our love affair, to look after me, to make my world better, don't seek revenge, you're better than that, you're better than my wife.

Nah, recognise shit male behaviour and blow it up and tell the truth, get some honesty going.

@MainlyWater absolutely agree.
MM want you to think you love him like you think his wife doesn’t. Make him happy like you think his wife doesn’t. Because he tells you his wife doesn’t.
That’s what keeps OW invested, because they hear stuff like that. “You make me happy… I haven’t felt so happy in years….my wife doesn’t understand me like you do… my wife doesn’t care about me like you do….doesn’t love me like you do….you’re better than my wife…….” then something happens that threatens their relationship with their wife and where do they usually go? If you’re lucky you might get “but if you love me you’ll want the best for me.” as they run back home.
It’s a tale as old as time. Nine times out of ten it’s saying what they think the other person wants to hear.
The rare and unique thing in affairs isn’t the big love affair it’s cracked up to be, the rarest thing in affairs is the truth. Honesty. Rare as hens’ teeth.
OW need to accept that MM lie. They have the advantage over the wife because they know these men are lying in order to conduct the affair. The wife doesn’t know their husband is a liar until they find out he’s having an affair.
MM lie to their wife and the OW too.
I guess when you’re in so deep you don’t want to hear it. When I had a relationship with an engaged man I didn’t want to see for one minute that he was a liar, I loved him and he loved me. That had to be true because if I’d made such a doormat of myself and invested so much in him based on believing everything he said, his inexplicable sudden about turn like nothing happened, made me a gullible fool. Which I absolutely was with bells on.

Hi all. I am in that slump of “not having anything to look forward to”, even though I have a full and busy life and lots to look forward to! I just need to live with my feelings, grieve the situation and hope they die, and that is always the most miserable part.

We had a conversation on Friday. No boundaries were crossed, I did not tell him how I feel. However, he told me the truth, that even if he split with wife (and neither want to be together, but they have kids) he would have a period of celibacy afterwards. So now I know for sure, I am grateful. Time to move on.

I’m going through a horrible time atm and I want to message him because I feel it wasn’t happening when I was so maybe if I do everything will be ok

Oh @lovelymango

What's going on?

This is how your mind reacts to stressful times, if I remember rightly.

You know in your hearts it doesn't help. What's he going to say that's helpful, or that will make you feel better? Call you slut?

No, c'mon mate. You can get past this. You already have got past him, for ages.

Having a horrible time at work and I feel like if I message him it will take my mind of it and I can cope better with the anxiety. It’s like OCD

Don’t get embroiled in the drama that comes with this type of relationship. It’s just not worth the pain. Men are shaggers who are just trying to boost their ego at worst or get in your knickers at best. They don’t want to leave their cushy lives for you: they just want to have a bit with you, it’s as old as time.

I know it is. And I get it; it's going back to the familiar, like opening a favourite book. But unfortunately it's never that - at best it's a distraction from the real issue at hand.

That's what he always was. That's what mine was. And I guess I hold on to him sometimes still for that.

But I know deep down that if I'd been able to leave him behind a year ago, I'd have had a much better and easier time of it.

Also having a shit time at work @lovelymango so solidarity to you, sister ❤️

Stay strong @lovelymango , you don’t need him. Sorry you and @SunsetSkylane both having hard time at work. Can we support you in any way?

That must have been hard to hear @summerbreeze10 but at least you know and can move ahead accordingly.

I still feel PPs are overstating my situationship. We’ve never defined our relationship, His wife knows about me, she was jealous of him texting me at one stage but that subsided. I don’t know how much she knows about times we’ve met or spoken.

The state of his marriage I believe him on. I was able to observe a couple of things before we were friends that fit the narrative. He’s talked about it to someone else, to whom he’d have no reason to lie. Also, as I said before, I could also be accused of running the script but I know it is 100% true. Can’t exactly pop by his house as lives in a different country.

He hasn’t lied to me about his situation. Has said all along he was hopeful of working things out at home, but has been saying this for over a year and then very recently admitted he had feelings for me. His view is if we’d met 20 years ago, before meeting our spouses, it could have been different. My view was we’ve met now, after terrible behaviour by our spouses, and we could have a future. I told him to think about it.

Why don’t I talk to his wife and blow it up? Risk of serious career consequences if she presents it as an affair to our former company. I have as much to lose as him, perhaps more. That’s one reason I am surprised he’s just cut contact rather than telling me - if his wife thinks we were more than friends when we were colleagues, and could raise it with company, it would be better for me to know.

I am assuming he’s trying to work things out at home without the distraction either because she’s found out or because he’s decided it is the best way forward. Either way, he should have told me. I would have been upset but understood. Disappearing is just cruel. Have had some great support and understanding IRL from a friend who has been aware of situation so I’m not asking for further advice here. Just wanted to explain as PPs making lots of assumptions.

@SunsetSkylane sorry to hear you are too. I’ve had a year of it and I can’t take anymore

I get it, @Vanishedinexplicably. The way you feel is valid and he should have been upfront with you. Ultimately, I think most of these men are fucked up emotionally. We are not their rescuers, and we owe it to ourselves to move on.

That doesn’t stop it being difficult and painful in the meantime.