Anyone else trying not to contact a guy 3

[SunsetSkylane]

Anyone still want to chat?

@pubertyalloveragain I think you posted last on thread 2, how you doing?

@namechangeforthis5 @Frith2013 @Thewookiemustgo another thread if you want it, or maybe you're all magically cured - or maybe Wookie is sick of our shit 😂😂

@Frith2013 does he Frith? Why?

No I wouldn’t tell her. I am every bit as bad as him and I’ve been a willing participant. Actually Im worse: I am married with kids.
It is my fault. She will leave him as he has cheated on her before: she has a location tracker on his phone and he’s not ‘allowed’ go to overnight things etc he’s on his final warning

I have considered moving jobs but I love mine

Im trying to figure out if it will be possible to maintain a nice, pleasant relationship in work after all of this. I just want peace: no drama.

I'm alright @HarryPottersSecretSister thanks for asking.

I'm absolutely failing at no contact but that was never really what I wanted; what I wanted was to get back the friendship we fucked up. Or, I fucked up.

Never quite sure really; if I think about it all I can play it different ways. And it doesn't matter now anyway.

He's good with words.

He's using them to hurt you. (Your words).

He's a liar.

A cheat, at least twice that you know of.

A creepy, sleazy colleague who is making it uncomfortable for you to work.

A creepy, sleazy bloke generally.

He's ruining your marriage and doesn't care.

He's making you unhappy and doesn't care.

Sorry yes as in he hasn’t had sex with his wife recently. He always used to say ‘any sex lately?’ So I was saying have you only text me for the verbal porn. Now I’m wondering if I was harsh actually

@HarryPottersSecretSister your guy sounds like an utter sleazebag

I asked him why he was suddenly messaging me and he said he missed me and kept putting kisses on his texts. I said dick dry is it and he said oh yeah because we’ve fucked so much I thought I’d tell you that (we’ve never done anything physical) and he said ffs harsh. I said are you surprised I’m like this and he said no but there’s nothing I can do. But you know when you sense they’re sniffing round. But now I’m wondering if I was harsh.

I don't think it's harsh - and even if you were, so what?

Asking you about your sex life with your husband is fucking gross. There's no chance he isn't getting off on that a bit.

It's wank fodder.

He loves telling me whatever he’s been doing with his wife as well. When we first started this I wasn’t as responsive as he’d like but he insisted so I was like ok tell me then. When he did and I didn’t say much he had a go so I said well I’m not really that interested and he went mad at me and accused me of some sort of prick teasing I think. I can’t really remember the words.

The sex talk was a bit of a turn on I hade to admit and actually helped my sex life with my husband but only in the sense of it getting in my head not me thinking about him or anything just talking about it in general but I was very uncomfortable about talking about his wife and my husband. I found it weird and thought I wasn’t normal

You must know that this is not normal behaviour. What on earth is wrong with him?

Yeah @lovelymango I’m with @SunsetSkylane and @Frith2013 on this one.
Not harsh and what the actual f*ck re telling you about stuff with his wife etc.

what a massive knob.
run

I’ve tried to finish it with ‘my’ guy probably a billion times now. He makes it very difficult for me each time. I am genuinely mad about him. But the engagement thing has (obviously) done it.

We text all day every day. I texted him today and told him that I was being clear to avoid any uncertainty or misunderstanding whatsoever: that I was once and for all ending the text chat relationship. As I said upthread, I didn’t do anything physical with him Thursday when I usually would have but the texting continued. Need to end it.

I told him today that I would be setting some
very firm boundaries on it for us from now on and that I will not be in touch with him other than for work purposes. I said I was bowing out once and for all from this entire shitshow. I said I wished him the best but would appreciate if he respected new boundaries and didn’t contact me.

He asked what set this off

Which is a stupid fucking question. Maybe telling me he’s about to propose to someone would prompt it.

I told him this was exactly what I want to avoid: getting sucked in to another pointless discussion/ argument. I said he clearly does want her despite all the horrible stuff he says about her and that knowing that, I going to do the right thing and leave them to it.
I said I needed to cop on and stop treating my husband like shit and focus on my own priorities too

He basically tried to say wanting her was not the reality at all and I cut him off. I said I wasn’t buying the being forced to propose thing: no kids etc

He asked would I give him some
of my time next Thursday when we have to work together so he can speak to me face to face about it and explain

I said I’d prefer not to. I really don’t see the point. I just want to leave it and move on with my life

I then said I was signing off and the next time
I would speak to him would be in work next week when we had to for work purposes

He said ‘ok’ but he is definitely not happy

I’ve deactivated FB. We’re not friends but I search him sometimes and it really upsets me.
He has told me repeatedly that he looks me up most nights as he ‘likes to look at pictures of me smiling’
I know he’ll clock I’ve deactivated (or he will think I’ve blocked him) tonight

Is this all the right thing?
was I wrong in any way?

I miss him tonight :(
we’d usually chat for hours

sorry for the novel.
I just feel heartbroken

I won’t message him
part of the reason I said to him about ‘firm boundaries ‘ was to stop myself caving.

Because if I did now after my speech, id look mental

so there was a sort of logic in me contacting him to say I wouldn’t be contacting him

Well, they say boundaries are for you not for other people. (Not sure who "they" are!)

I've also deactivated FB so I can't check what Prat Ex is doing.

He's blocked on everything.

@Frith2013 ooh well done Frith.
its hard though, isn’t it?

@HarryPottersSecretSister and @Frith2013 - just sending you strength. It is very very difficult. I am getting through it in two ways:

1. Boundaries are, as Frith said, for me - it is about doing what is best for me moving forwards. I am not putting the boundaries in place for him.
2. However, the only way to make him truly value you is to let him feel the consequences of the choices he has made - so if it is meant to be, then the only way to ensure that happens is by moving away. If we continue to message them, then they will continue to use us.

@summerbreeze10 thank you. Number 2 really rings through for me. You’re right. I wonder does it appear like a punishment gesture though: you’re doing this with her so now I am withdrawing all contact/ affection/ friendship.

Have you had any contact with your guy since that tough Friday conversation?

I really didn’t think it was but he did a massive number on me in a gaslighting sort of way. I’m not an idiot in real life and have good instincts about people but he really fucked me up

@HarryPottersSecretSister I applaud you. It must be so hard for you but you’ve absolutely done the right thing. Those boundaries are also around your self esteem and dignity and nobody is worth giving that away for.
I’ve heard some crap in my time but ‘forced to propose’??? What???
The last time shit like that happened was probably when Queen Victoria was on the throne.
I’m so glad you’re not buying into the rubbish he’s spouting. His poor fiancée thinks she’s just won the lottery and happier than she’s ever been and is planning her happy ever after, whilst he texts another woman. He’s garbage. You’re worth more and so is she.

@HarryPottersSecretSister

I really think you should tel his fiancee, she has the chance to know the truth before she wastes her life with a liar.

@Thewookiemustgo youre being far too kind to me to be honest. I feel like such a dick for my part in this to be honest,
When you enlist you may soldier: I feel like the pain im currently experiencing is simply the consequences of my own actions coming to bite me.

He did make a serious play for me at the start and I did try to resist for a long time but it’s no excuse really. Because I did it eventually and have been a very willing participant

Also I’m apparently relatively intelligent but I know myself (and when I read back what I’ve wrote myself here) I have been so stupid: I fell hook and line for the stories about how terrible and awful she is and how he was trapped against his will: it helped me justify in my own head being so terrible to another woman and risking hurting her when she doesn’t deserve it. Not proud.

@MainlyWater I know it’s stupid but I just can’t. I still care about him so much and I don’t want to destroy his life. Selfishly the work connection makes me want this to be as drama free as possible. He is very very very senior.
And although it doesn’t sound like it: he has been extremely decent in lots of ways and done a lot for me. I just want to walk away as quitely as I can and leave them to live their lives - I suspect she knows what he’s like. The tracker on his phone, not allowed on trips or work nights out, apparently a lot of other things go on there because of lack of trust (she knows about the other girl before me)

@lovelymango I thought I would never be one to be fooled or fall for shit. It’s only when it happens.
I have no doubt you are anything but an idiot.
But these men are incredibly manipulative I feel. They’ve perfected their craft.
and the most intuitive and brightest of us aren’t beneath losing all logic and sense and perspective when we’re been continuously gaslighted and manipulated and lied to

I haven’t texted him
Ordinarily he would plague me a bit I reckon (has in the past when I’ve tried to call it off)
but now because of serious reasons in my house, I have to start the chats (he’ll pre plan when he can hear from me and ask what time etc I’ll be able to text him each day so he can be available but yesterday didn’t give him the opportunity)

I need a kicking because I feel bad that I know he will be upset now and can’t contact me

Sorry @HarryPottersSecretSister just caught up with your posts. Well done you for ending it once and for all, it takes guts to say no more.

What a poor excuse for a man though, happily stringing along both you and his soon to be fiancé. I get why you'd want to say nothing to her too, it sounds like it could be a shit show.

My situation pales a bit in comparison, but they all still hurt and the common theme for all of us is definitely the boundaries you speak of

Strength to all of you

@HarryPottersSecretSister I’m not being too kind, I can hear that you own your own stuff and regret it and want to do better. That’s what nice, decent people do.
I know what you’re saying and nobody could condone what you did, I can’t stand infidelity, or any behaviour that hurts people, but I think that people who do this stuff are probably a bit broken somewhere, not evil.
I think that we all screw up to a greater or lesser degree because humans are imperfect beings. I am always far, far more interested in what they do about it afterwards. That tells me who they really are.
You’re doing the right thing, you regret what you did, you are honest about your part in it and your desire to do better. To me that’s who you are. I could wax lyrical about how terrible cheating is etc etc but that’s what you did, not who you are. I can see that.
I can hardly take back an unfaithful husband and understand his issues and see him as a good man who screwed up (and how!) then throw rocks at women who are unfaithful and decide that they are all evil.
Serial cheats and players who don’t give a shit are a different thing altogether, but nice people make choices they never thought they would sometimes and bitterly regret it.
Nice people then do the hard work: they sort themselves out, own their own shit no matter how bad and make amends wherever possible.
That’s what defines character to me, but I’m not the one beating myself up a bit here. On cheating threads on MN over and over again I read “Oh, it’s who he IS! He’ll never change because that’s who he is! He’ll do it again…” and sometimes they do. Because that’s who they are. But not everyone.
Were men and women who never cheated before always born cheats before they even did it? It’s nonsense. It’s a choice not an inherent characteristic. People can change if they want to.
It’s time for you to decide what you are going to allow to define you. You have to decide if you are who you or are, or if you are what you did?