@HarryPottersSecretSister I’m so sorry you are in pain, there are a lot of different experiences and support here and some very brave and honest people who are willing to share their stories.
The Script as quoted by Mumsnet isn’t an exact science, however there are many commonalities about what OW have been told. The motivation for saying what they say is the thing to pay attention to and the only proof you have is their actions, not their words.
What you usually hear is what they have told themselves in order to justify doing something that they know is a terrible thing to do, but at the same time need to retain their image of themselves as a good person in order to shelve guilt and responsibility.
In other words, when you get hit on by a married man, the last thing he wants you to think about him is that he’s just a common or garden cheat who is lying to his wife in order to pursue you. Nobody would want a man like that. He needs to convince you he isn’t.
It’s the last thing he wants to think about himself, too, otherwise he’d be filled with guilt and shame. To try to square the circle of the moral dilemma of wanting to do something they know is bad, but still be able to feel good about themselves and still give themselves permission to carry on doing wrong, they must become a victim. If they are a victim, then logically they are justified in what they are doing, and are a poor unhappy soul, trapped in a dead or awful relationship from which they want you to convince you that you, and only you, can save them. They have been so hard done by that they deserve some happiness, the poor lambs.
For selfish, weak, entitled, lying man, read: tragic victim of an awful wife nobly trying to survive his terrible marriage for the sake of the children / so his crazy wife doesn’t kill herself blah blah.
So, you get stuff like this:
My wife doesn’t love me any more
My wife is cold towards me
My wife is spiteful and cruel
My wife is crazy
My wife doesn’t care and has let herself go
My wife doesn’t understood me
My wife takes me for granted
My wife treats me like I’m just a cash machine
My marriage is dead
We got together/ married too young
I’ve been unhappy for years
We live like brother and sister
We don’t sleep in the same bed/ room
My wife hates sex
We never/ hardly ever have sex
We’re in the process of getting divorced
We’re separated
This is where you come in:
I’ve never met anyone like you
I can’t remember the time I felt this happy
I’ve never felt this way about/ loved anybody like this before
You’re amazing, this is the best sex I’ve ever had
I love you
You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met
Why didn’t I meet you before I met her
Why didn’t I meet you 10/20/30 years ago….
I can’t talk to her like I talk to you
You understand me way better than she does
Why doesn’t she get me like you do?
You’re the only thing in my life that brings me happiness
You’re all I have to look forward to
You are so funny, I can’t remember when I laughed this much
You’re my soulmate, I can’t believe how good we are together
I wish I didn’t have to go home
I know it’s not fair to ask you to wait for me
I can’t leave her yet because……..
You know I don’t love her, I’m only there for the children
One day we’ll be together……
I would never, ever lie to you….
And many, many more.
The problem is, any of it could actually be argued to be true. That’s what keeps OW hanging on, because they can’t know for sure if it’s the just the script or if they mean it.
If they fall for the MM, then it’s worse. Now the OW wants and needs to believe it. If he’s lying, then she’s been very foolish and is about to get badly hurt. They want to think that they are going to be one of the very few OW who end up with their married man. Statistics say that’s a tiny percentage but a bit like buying a lottery ticket, this time you might get lucky…. so you hang on. Sometimes for years.
If it’s true and a man wants to leave his wife, he will, but if not, he won’t and if she finds out he’ll go back home (if she lets him) and the OW will be left high and dry.
If his wife throws him out you will be the first (and probably only ) place he has to go. In that case (if he would rather not tell you he didn’t choose to leave, he got thrown out)
he will tell you he voluntarily left her and it’s a relief to be free etc etc. but as an OW you will never really know if he jumped or was pushed and you are actually second choice, not first. In that case, if his wife changes her mind, he’ll leave you and go home.
I think the most dangerous line you get spun is “I would never lie to you.”
Married men who cheat are not being nice men. They lie. A lot. They lie every day to their wife and children and friends. They lie to themselves to avoid guilt. They lie to OW.
If you are in pain and confused and hear yourself trying to justify what the MM has said, or doing mental gymnastics to be able to believe him, or wonder if his latest excuse not to see you is true or his latest reason for not leaving his wife is true, don’t replay all the lovely stuff he said, or read all the messages and emails, or replay that song or poem, or list all the gifts he bought to try to prove he must have meant it: run for the hills. He’ll run there with you if he was ever going to. They usually don’t.
If it looks like a duck….