Disappointing proposal? Gather here

[GoldenGirl85]

So, we’ve been married for over a year now, but I still can’t shake this feeling about the proposal. I’d always said I wanted something private but special. Instead, it was just a quick question at home—no decor, no planning, and I even had to find us a restaurant to celebrate afterward. I’d say I’ve 70% forgiven him, but I still think, why did you flop so badly?

To give him some credit, he was extremely nervous and said he asked on a whim because he felt like doing it there and then. I understand whims, but I would have preferred for it to be planned.

Anyone else had a similar experience? How did you move past it?

Wow came here to say I understand Op, I was a bit disappointed too afterwards, and wished it could have been planned, he wasn’t down on one knee or anything. I suppose that’s an old fashioned notion now but it meant something to me.
But after the wedding it kind of paled in significance because that was the main event and that certainly was planned. longer you’re married the less it matters really.

Ignore the pick mes. It’s fine to expect your partner to make an effort when he’s proposing to you! I’m sorry it was so disappointing. Can he book an anniversary trip to make up for it? You could plan some nice outfits and get some lovely photos of you both?

It's fine to want your partner to do something, but it's not fine to expect them to do something and then complain that they have failed if they do something lovely but don't do it precisely your way.

I had a nice proposal. Currently sat here cursing my now ex husband for another thing I've discovered about him that he hid and then lied about yesterday. I accepted he was saying the truth but I know now he wasn't. Can't say anything as no point.

Get over it and over yourself.

I know what I'd rather have.

My DH had been working away for some months. I visited him one weekend and he asked me to marry him as we were on our way for a curry in Whitley Bay.
He had made me a ring out of the silver paper in his cigarette packet.
We’ve been happily married for 23 years now.
I still have the first “ring”.

Now I think of it I have never asked any of my friends about their proposals. They’ve all been married for 35-40 years.

I was also disappointed with mine OP and it left me feeling quite low for a long time. I don’t think you’re wrong to expect some effort or thought.

That said, I don’t really think about it much anymore; if he is generally a good guy and shows you love and effort in other ways it will eventually pale in significance.

You really lost me OP at the idea there would be decor for the proposal. Totally, totally unreasonable. And the idea he “flopped” is awful. I very much hope this is a bit of an aberration for you, a blind spot, and that you are not like this over other aspects of your life together. It would be terribly exhausting to have to live with that level of childish expectation.

The pick me‘s??

YABVU OP.

My DH was washing up at the kitchen sink when he asked me 😂

Agreed. What is “engagement decor”? A scene for Instagram?

Photo!

Just a conversation here too, followed by popping to the registry office. Maybe slightly boring for some! But still very happily married 🥰

I've been married twice. First time I planned the proposal, bought a ring etc. She came home from work, I said let's go out, she refused, saying she was tired. I cajoled her, argued with her, but she just wanted to stay in. So i asked her in the bedroom, as she was changing out of her work clothes into her 'slobbing about in the evening' clothes.

Then we went out 😊

Second time, the idea kind of emerged from a very relaxed and happy conversation over a pizza at a pavement table of a restaurant in Le Touquet on the way back from a holiday

Incidentally, people were astonished that I bought a ring without consulting about what kind of a ring she'd like. I had always assumed that when you proposed you had to have a ring. Don't most guys buy a ring before they propose?

I once asked my father how he'd popped the question to my mother
'Your mother thought it was a good idea,so we did'
Fast forward to my bro popping the question,he was watching TV and she came home from work
He asked her while keeping both eyes on the tv and mumbling something about buying a ring 'at some point'
7 years later,they got married
My other bro asked while she was deciding which loaf of bread to buy while standing in tesco
Clearly the romantic gene isn't there with the males of my family

Personally I feel like a proposal should be a low key thing so that there is no pressure to be pulled along and say yes or no in a rush. Ideally, I think a conversation should have been had before so the proposal is just a formality.
We did the conversation, in many forms over the years, until we were in a good place to afford the wedding, then we told our families…there was no ‘proposal’. I don’t think we’ve missed out on anything!

OP I think you're getting a hard time but we all have regrets of some kind.
My dh did his best with the proposal but we had a covid wedding. As lovely as it was, I will always have some regrets there as I had always looked forward to a big wedding.

Nothing is perfect.

Ridiculous!

No, because ‘most guys’ recognise that you shouldn’t buy someone an expensive piece of jewellery they’re culturally expected to wear daily, where they can see it, for as long as the relationship lasts without a very strong idea of exactly what that person likes.

But who on earth would want to marry someone who was more concerned with the decor and the way things looked than the feeling behind the moment? Who would want to marry someone who wanted a full-on public display? Not me, certainly.

This isn't a 'damp squib'. It's an adult discussion about the future structure and legalities of your relationship.

I find it incredible, in 2024, that many women appear keen to cede this major decision over to one party.

I can’t see how your marriage will work, if you expect to be treated like a princess

They're married. They don't have to concern themselves with being 'picked', and if they weren't, they likely wouldn't care.

It's not mandatory to follow antediluvian traditions. Women are human beings with personal autonomy, although you'd never think it, listening to so much of the 'I want him to propose' schtick that permeates Mumsnet on a nigh-on weekly basis.

In this context any 'pick me' accusation made at all seriously is ironic to the point of hilarity.

I proposed to my DH on a leap year Valentine's Day.

Got down on one knee, made a declaration, asked the question.

I didn't provide decor or trappings beyond the meal that I'd prepared.

I've had no proposal-related complaints in the decades but who knows if he's 70% forgiven me but still holding it in the nose for lack of appropriate drama.

My first thought is that the OP's husband needs to run for the hills!