Disappointing proposal? Gather here

[GoldenGirl85]

So, we’ve been married for over a year now, but I still can’t shake this feeling about the proposal. I’d always said I wanted something private but special. Instead, it was just a quick question at home—no decor, no planning, and I even had to find us a restaurant to celebrate afterward. I’d say I’ve 70% forgiven him, but I still think, why did you flop so badly?

To give him some credit, he was extremely nervous and said he asked on a whim because he felt like doing it there and then. I understand whims, but I would have preferred for it to be planned.

Anyone else had a similar experience? How did you move past it?

Is he generally thoughtless op? It's just I had a boyfriend who was generally crap and I remember being disappointed he did nothing for Valentines day. But really the disappointment was about how he was generally.
If he was generally a good dh I wonder if you'd not have been down about the proposal?

I've realised that the bar is quite low for a lot of women and people are accepting the bare minimum. There's nothing wrong with making an effort for your other half especially if that's what they want.

This was supposed to be a lighthearted post to share experiences of underwhelming proposals!!

So because she wanted to be taken out for dinner after the proposal she's a princess?
Jesus Christ 😂

Well it's a good job the OP didn't have my DH. 🙄

My "Proposal" - we were still sitting in my mother's sitting room at 3.00am when he turned to me and said, "If we carry on like this we'll need to set up a nest together". Me - I am not living in sin with you, (This was a VERY long time ago and not the done thing in our circles.)
He says - "I didn't mean that"
Me - "So what did you mean?"
He says - "You know"
Me - "No I don't" (I genuinely hadn't a clue as we'd only been seeing each other for 6 weeks.)
He says - "You do"
Me - getting irritated now, " No I don't"

This went on for quite a while until eventually he mumbled something about making things official.🙄 I don't recall the word "Marry" coming into the conversation at all and definitely no down on one knee.

We have recently celebrated 45 very happily married years together.👍 (And he still has a habit of mumbling things.🤣)

@TheFlis thank you for having critical thinking skills!!

Seriously?

Decor? Planning?

Bonkers

Different stokes for different folks. There's definitely men who are into over the top public proposals.

If you know that's what your OH is into and you think they're tacky, materialistic, on a different wavelength to you, and you're not willing to meet their expectations to make them happy then why would you be asking them to marry you? You're clearly not compatible.

I didn't really have a proposal. My husband to be said that he liked doing the ironing. I said that that was my idea of a perfect man, and he said we had better get married then. That was it. Been married for 31 years today, and I have not lifted an iron since the wedding day. 😂

There's obviously a major untapped business opportunity here. I might buy a van and fill it with balloons, banners and other tat ready to drive at short notice to the scene of a proposal. I hope the happy couples won't be put off by a bit of discreet retching in the background though.

Low bar?

You really have got to be kidding

It's the marriage that's important.

Not the proposal, not the wedding

Finding a kind, decent man that you want to spend your life with and he with you is what's important.

Not one that's going to take you to a windswept beach and propose at sunset

I have given myself a talking to and have come back with a promise to be kind and open minded.

@GoldenGirl85 Does he love you? How do you know that? If you can answer this quickly with a smile on your face now you are past the 1 year mark, then I think whatever wasn’t how you thought your proposal could’ve been is probably not important. Tell him you would like a silly, special day together, do it, take photos, make it all yours. There are many who got engaged or married during Covid or had a simultaneous, bereavement, or a venue got flooded etc who went for a do-over a couple of years later. Why not, sounds like a lot less pressure and much more fun than the traditional way round.

If you are not sure that he loves you or can’t think of ways that he demonstrates that he does, then talk to him about that. The issue you are hanging on to is not really the proposal and is one of those marriage things to sort out.

Hehehehehe 😆

DH proposed on holiday in Lanzarote, then remembered he hadn't bought any champagne so wandered out to buy some and left me in our apartment with a random stray cat who had wandered in

It’s not ‘lighthearted’. It strongly suggests there’s something wrong with the relationship if you’re this focused on a substandard proposal a year after you’ve been married. No one who is in an egalitarian relationship where they know they’re equally valued is this focused on how someone they’re supposed to love asked them to marry them.

But they're not thoughtless!

He (or maybe she) has fallen in love and given thought to whether they'd like to spend the rest of their lives with that person

Then asked them in the hopes they feel the same.

How is that thoughtless, just because they haven't filled the room with candles?

Well he's not the shallow one...

I've realised that the bar is quite low for a lot of women and people are accepting the bare minimum.

I consider adult women insisting that men decide if/when they should make a legal commitment to them rather than using their words to ask the question themselves. It is not the 1850s and women today should surely be a bit more engaged in their own lives than this. I find it all pretty regressive to be expecting anything that you’re more than capable of doing yourself from someone else and getting shirty about how they do it if they do.

These threads always attract those who claim they'd be happy marrying in a potato sack in a car park with 0 guests and Tesco sandwiches.

It is perfectly fine to be romantic. Perfectly OK to expect a bit of an effort for a proposal. Perfectly OK to be a person who values symbols and gestures above practicality.
One of the things I love about dh, and one of the things that feeds our marriage, is his ability for romantic gestures. Not just for the proposal but regularly : surprises big and small, gifts, special moments, special notes etc. It helps feel loved and appreciated.
He cared about the proposal and the wedding decor because those things were important to him too.

It sounds like the OP is a romantic with a practical husband. That's always going to create a bit of frustration.

I would much rather have spent xx on a nice wedding and for example delayed having a car for a couple of years. Many posters on this thread would judge away - I don't care. Let them enjoy their practical but to me unfulfilled lives. I'm very glad to have the romance.
Sorry you are disappointed OP.

A low bar @GoldenGirl85 ??? Seriously? People who have been VERY HAPPILY married for 30 years and more have a LOW BAR because they accepted that the person they love, loves them without the need for gimmicks!!

Wow!

Saying the man you are supposed to love and want to spend the rest of your life with “flopped” is NOT lighthearted - how would he feel if you showed him what you have written?

Mine was pissed in a Wetherspoons and suddenly went down on one knee, I had to help him back up

Been together 21 years

I think it’s rather sneering to say that women who have been perfectly happy with their own proposals and remain in happy marriages as a result must have a low bar. And surely it’s you prepared to accept bare minimum: despite being very unhappy with your proposal, you still didn’t have what you view as high enough standards to say “no, I want you to decorate the house with roses and balloons so it looks special and book a nice meal out and then ask me again properly” - which you could have done.

Why is everything to do with relationships so overblown these days? It’s all so boring.

Woah, judgy!

Some very fancy and fast cars sitting on my drive throughout our marriage - one has given 19 years of absolute joy. Far more than spending a significant amount on a one day party that people soon forget! The rush of 0-60 in 3.something seconds is pretty hard to beat.

Luckily my husband understands that and will buy me a track day (or tank of fuel) rather than flowers!

Unfulfilling life, indeed.

The wall paper didn’t match her leggings and the whole thing was not ‘ instagramable enough’. How has the OP lived through this for a whole year I don’t know. I recommend couples counselling.

I didn't have one at all. We started making references about a year in to 'when we were married'/the number of children we wanted that started light heartedly and became serious in an organic way. We talked about it as an inevitability like Christmas and decided between us when would be a good time to buy an enagement ring and set a date. Fuss and romance would have felt a bit fake when it was a mutually understood life plan. It always surprises me when people are nervous or hoping for a proposal because how do you not know the thoughts of the person you're that close to on such an important subject?