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Original poster

Disappointing proposal? Gather here

601 replies

GoldenGirl85 · 09/10/2024 12:15

So, we’ve been married for over a year now, but I still can’t shake this feeling about the proposal. I’d always said I wanted something private but special. Instead, it was just a quick question at home—no decor, no planning, and I even had to find us a restaurant to celebrate afterward. I’d say I’ve 70% forgiven him, but I still think, why did you flop so badly?

To give him some credit, he was extremely nervous and said he asked on a whim because he felt like doing it there and then. I understand whims, but I would have preferred for it to be planned.

Anyone else had a similar experience? How did you move past it?

OP posts:
Chocolatelover13 · 10/10/2024 07:04

I proposed to my DH whilst we were both in our pyjamas after he’d been up with our newborn to allow me to sleep. It was the right moment and not the stage managed one.
Given how you feel about this I can imagine you’ll be expecting a full production for a baby shower too.

SallyWD · 10/10/2024 07:26

We're all different. I personally would have hated some big romantic proposal. If he'd gone down on one knee I'd have cringed! My DH proposed by pretending to break up with me. I realise this isn't everyone's cup of tea but we have the same sense of hunourr, and I knew he was joking! I appreciate the fact he didn't become all soppy.
Also, I'm sure lots of people have said that men feel huge pressure to do some grand romantic gesture. Naby are nervous so just do it at home or somewhere.
What's important is a good marriage. Not the proposal.

5128gap · 10/10/2024 07:34

Surprise proposals intrigue me. Were people really surprised that he wanted to marry you? Surprised by the way it was done despite knowing it was coming? Faux surprised for fun? Because its seems really odd that in this day and age women leave one of lifes most important progressions to a wing and a prayer, waiting and hoping for a man to decide its on; or alternatively getting on with their lives not bothered either way until...Surprise!! he wants to marry you...what you gonna do???!!!!

KaleQueen · 10/10/2024 08:05

@5128gap mine was a genuine surprise. And no I wasn’t just some sap just hanging around waiting in hope. We were living together and I was just getting on enjoying my life including with him and he asked. And it took me by surprise. I’d have been happy married. Happy not to be. Not that complicated really.,

User19876536484 · 10/10/2024 08:22

5128gap · 10/10/2024 07:34

Surprise proposals intrigue me. Were people really surprised that he wanted to marry you? Surprised by the way it was done despite knowing it was coming? Faux surprised for fun? Because its seems really odd that in this day and age women leave one of lifes most important progressions to a wing and a prayer, waiting and hoping for a man to decide its on; or alternatively getting on with their lives not bothered either way until...Surprise!! he wants to marry you...what you gonna do???!!!!

Mine was a surprise because I wasn’t expecting him to ask when and where he did.

It wasn’t a surprise that he wanted to marry me and the formal proposal was really him asking me if I wanted to start actively arranging a wedding.

PurpleChrayn · 10/10/2024 08:24

Big lavish proposals are for chavs and influencers.

pavementgerms · 10/10/2024 08:45

If you wanted a proposal with "candles and a fun guessing game", why didn't you do that and propose to him?

PaperGloves · 10/10/2024 08:52

pavementgerms · 10/10/2024 08:45

If you wanted a proposal with "candles and a fun guessing game", why didn't you do that and propose to him?

I’m struggling to imagine what a ‘fun guessing game’ in the context of an elaborate proposal might consist of. Like ‘Are you going to marry me — yes or no?’

ItTook9Years · 10/10/2024 08:56

DH and little cute DD organised a treasure hunt in the house/street for my 40th birthday present. 40 clues, each in a gift bag and an envelope. By the 15th I wanted to do him in but had to feign excitement for DD. It was exhausting. 😂

CountryGirlInTheCity · 10/10/2024 09:21

I’m not sure that proposals were really planned as they are now when I got engaged to DH. I was spending a year abroad as part of my studies and I’d bought him a plane ticket to visit me for his birthday. We were staying with some friends of mine who had gone out for the evening and it was a cold December evening with a wood fire burning. We were sitting on the sofa catching up on our news and he asked me to marry him
there and then. No ring, no flowery speech, but we didn’t need either. We bought the ring together when I was home for Christmas. We got married three weeks after I graduated, still very happy together 32 years on. I don’t really think about the proposal very much but if I do I think how nice it was. Surely the question itself is the important thing?

burnoutbabe · 10/10/2024 09:35

He did a low key question one afternoon about "buying me a ring for my birthday" which was a month later.

He's not a planner so we then planned a trip away for my birthday, to somewhere we both wanted to go, and then posted a status update when there to announce engagement.

So a low key proposal but we both enjoyed the announcement of it later. Most people think that's where we got engaged. (Parents already knew) .

So if you want a big splash then plan it yourself.

Minor1000 · 10/10/2024 09:36

Man here. I proposed to my wife after arriving at her's for a stay (long distance relationship). I suggested a walk (which made her eyebrows go into orbit as the only walking I did then was to the pub). We had a slight row over something ( she can be quite bad tempered if tired - school teacher and Friday night comes to mind) and I remember pulling the door shut behind us saying to myself 'sod it, just do it, it'll be fine". We walked down to the beach and I wanted the sun to go down behind the 13th century castle that overlooks the beach and waiting for a bloke jogging up and down the beach with a worn out Highland Terrier to clear off to give us a deserted beach. When he did and as my right knee was about to hit the sand, DW decided to seaweed at the water's edge would be interesting for the school children. I managed to drag her away and said "I have something to say, I'm not very good at this sort of thing, never done it before, so I'll just blurt it out" I spun her round so she was facing the castle and the sunset and said "Will you marry me" etc. Her reply was "Eek!" Don't think I ever got a Yes. 20 years later we are still married and live in a fabulous place with two Labradors (no DC unfortunately) and she still has the sand off my right knee in a cufflink box.

hookiewookie29 · 10/10/2024 09:38

My husband didn't know what to get me for my birthday so asked me if I'd like an engagement ring...that was it!
Been married 23 years so not done too bad!

Weeteeny · 10/10/2024 09:39

My DP woke me up and asked me to get dressed as he was taking me shopping we went to a store and he bought me a ring and that was that!
What matters is you love each other and make each other happy, never mind all these insta stories which look so naff to me to be honest. Like people are more interested in other people's reactions than their own emotions

mynameyname · 10/10/2024 10:03

Weeteeny · 10/10/2024 09:39

My DP woke me up and asked me to get dressed as he was taking me shopping we went to a store and he bought me a ring and that was that!
What matters is you love each other and make each other happy, never mind all these insta stories which look so naff to me to be honest. Like people are more interested in other people's reactions than their own emotions

Did you know that's why he woke you up? Because that's insanely romantic and the OP probably would never have posted if he'd done that

TeamPolin · 10/10/2024 10:09

I never really got a proper proposal at all. More like a 'shall we just do it then?' However we've been married almost 19 years and are very happy.

The marriage is the important bit. Not the proposal...

ItTook9Years · 10/10/2024 10:32

Weeteeny · 10/10/2024 09:39

My DP woke me up and asked me to get dressed as he was taking me shopping we went to a store and he bought me a ring and that was that!
What matters is you love each other and make each other happy, never mind all these insta stories which look so naff to me to be honest. Like people are more interested in other people's reactions than their own emotions

Would have created merry hell with this.

First rule of living with me is I should never be woken unless something is on fire. The second is do not attempt to make decisions on my behalf. “I’m taking you to buy a ring” is hugely presumptuous, whether your significant other has Pathologocal Demand Avoidance or not!

PaperGloves · 10/10/2024 10:38

ItTook9Years · 10/10/2024 10:32

Would have created merry hell with this.

First rule of living with me is I should never be woken unless something is on fire. The second is do not attempt to make decisions on my behalf. “I’m taking you to buy a ring” is hugely presumptuous, whether your significant other has Pathologocal Demand Avoidance or not!

Show quote history

Yes. I mean, leaving aside the whole ‘being woken up unnecessarily’ thing (with which I’m in full agreement with you), isn’t there a key step missing in this? If DP had said ‘Get up, I’m taking you shopping’, I’d have said ‘Don’t be silly. I don’t feel like going shopping. I seldom feel like going shopping.’

Commonsense22 · 10/10/2024 10:40

Sometimes you have to push for what you want a bit. My dh did ask over video chat in a jokey tone and I said of he wanted to marry me I'd need a proper proposal with a ring.

I guess others might have just taken the first question as the actual proposal.

HideTheCroissants · 10/10/2024 13:56

GoldenGirl85 · 09/10/2024 18:40

Why can’t I have both? Or is that the bar that low for some women?

Oh I have a very high bar! I expect love, loyalty, fidelity, humour, equality, etc., and I have had all those things for over 30 years. Basing how you feel about a relationship on things like the grade of the proposal, how fancy the wedding was is setting a low bar in my opinion. A flowery proposal, mega bucks ring, and an A lister style wedding are fine if you like that sort of thing but the real target should be the things that ACTUALLY matter and keep the love going for a lifetime.

MixieMatchie · 10/10/2024 14:04

For me, my high bar is the man not assuming that I will gratefully say yes like it's a gift to me. Anything like a balloon arch, hidden photographer, treasure hunt or wrapping it up as a Christmas present would displease me!

For me a "low bar" would be I move in and pick his socks off the floor etc while he takes his time planning (or not planning) an Insta-worthy proposal.

Doford · 10/10/2024 14:09

I think this does matter actually. It is a reflection of how well he knows and understands you, and that is something that is really important in your life together, for both of you.

I, like many others on this thread, would have hated a planned, overdone proposal, and was really happy to be asked over a morning cup of tea in bed.

BUT, and this is a big but, you did hope for something more. And that is okay. People can sneer away, and act as if they have no idea what “decor” can possibly mean, or talk about chavs and influencers… but the more important point her is that you did feel disappointed and it does still bother you, and your DH either didn’t know it didn’t care, and that does matter.

Some people really like to make occasions out of things, for themselves and others. Some people are materialistic, others pride themselves on not caring about that stuff. Some people are into fashion and expensive handbags, others think that’s silly…some people like big lavish weddings, others want 10 guests only… and I could go on.

If you were my daughter, I’d be asking if you think you and your DH have the same values in life, if you feel seen and appreciated and if you have the same plans for all of your future and life together, if you know each other really well - I have a feeling this won’t be the only way your DP disappoints you if you stay together. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with him though, and it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, you might just both be better off with other people.

Life is short, if you want decor and bells and whistles romance and stories to tell about it, just go out and enjoy it and find a partner who wants to do that stuff with you and loves surprising you and seeing your reaction - it’s okay to be honest about what you want.

MsNemo · 10/10/2024 14:44

My DH and I discussed it and decided it together 😅

SallyWD · 10/10/2024 14:54

Doford · 10/10/2024 14:09

I think this does matter actually. It is a reflection of how well he knows and understands you, and that is something that is really important in your life together, for both of you.

I, like many others on this thread, would have hated a planned, overdone proposal, and was really happy to be asked over a morning cup of tea in bed.

BUT, and this is a big but, you did hope for something more. And that is okay. People can sneer away, and act as if they have no idea what “decor” can possibly mean, or talk about chavs and influencers… but the more important point her is that you did feel disappointed and it does still bother you, and your DH either didn’t know it didn’t care, and that does matter.

Some people really like to make occasions out of things, for themselves and others. Some people are materialistic, others pride themselves on not caring about that stuff. Some people are into fashion and expensive handbags, others think that’s silly…some people like big lavish weddings, others want 10 guests only… and I could go on.

If you were my daughter, I’d be asking if you think you and your DH have the same values in life, if you feel seen and appreciated and if you have the same plans for all of your future and life together, if you know each other really well - I have a feeling this won’t be the only way your DP disappoints you if you stay together. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with him though, and it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, you might just both be better off with other people.

Life is short, if you want decor and bells and whistles romance and stories to tell about it, just go out and enjoy it and find a partner who wants to do that stuff with you and loves surprising you and seeing your reaction - it’s okay to be honest about what you want.

But why are you only focusing on what's important to the woman when it comes to proposals? Yes a woman might want an epic public proposal, some grand romantic gesture but what if the man's quiet and shy and would prefer to discuss marriage as two equals over a cup of tea? Why should he have to do something that will feel fake and make him feel silly? It doesn't mean they're not compatible or he doesn't care about her. They might be compatible in every other way.
Me and my DH are very different but we've been together happily for 22 years. I wouldn't have wanted him to propose in a way he wasn't comfortable with.

Ghostcushion · 10/10/2024 15:03

I’ve been to a few weddings where the bride has completely taken over and the groom is just the spare part stood looking freaked out. It’s meant to be an equal thing, it’s not all about the women and what she wants. I do feel for guys sometimes.