Disappointing proposal? Gather here

[GoldenGirl85]

So, we’ve been married for over a year now, but I still can’t shake this feeling about the proposal. I’d always said I wanted something private but special. Instead, it was just a quick question at home—no decor, no planning, and I even had to find us a restaurant to celebrate afterward. I’d say I’ve 70% forgiven him, but I still think, why did you flop so badly?

To give him some credit, he was extremely nervous and said he asked on a whim because he felt like doing it there and then. I understand whims, but I would have preferred for it to be planned.

Anyone else had a similar experience? How did you move past it?

@ItTook9Years that's exactly what I was thinking 🤣

@ItTook9Years and decor

I mean, the NHS is fucked but I’m sure they’d appreciate a thousand glitter cannons (gender coordinated, of course) going off when baby first cries.

🤣🤣you have given me a giggle

But you were happy that he decided to marry you and you accepted how he did it.

You said yes.

Not as hard as your now husband struggled to perfectly propose to you by the sounds of it 😜

I jest. I do get where you're coming from.

Do you think it could have been that he thought if he tried anything at all, you'd have guessed immediately that he would have proposed? Like if he had dimmed lights, lit candles etc and put some sexy saxophone music, you'd have walked in knowing and just waiting for him to drop to his knee? I think most men tend to make an extra effort but the extra bit is the bit that gives it away.

An ex of mine booked a hotel without my help for the very first time and that was enough for me to sniff out a proposal was on its way 🤣.

If you explicitly told him you wanted a bells and whistles proposal and he didn't deliver, what was he like about planning the wedding?

You're married to him now so I think its a bit unfair to him that you're still hanging on to this 30% disappointment. I would have tried to draw a line under it before the wedding.

Is there something deeper here? Like that you don't feel that he listens to you, or doesn't try to make things special for your generally?

I can't imagine much worse than this tbh. If my husband had gone this route it would have made me think he didn't know me very well

I think OP’s comment I’m not a no frills kinda gal indicates that yes, she is always so dramatic. I wish the husband the very best of luck!

Mumsnet is generally very supportive of women, but every now and again I see posts like yours OP, where the woman is told off for not being grateful. Usually some replies often miss the point and make inaccurate assumptions.

To those type of posters -

It's not High Diva behaviour to expect someone to go to a tiny bit of effort of make it a bit special. FFS!!

YOU might be happy that your husband proposed whilst he was still groggy & dribbling in the morning, or said a very non-nonchalant 'Yeah I suppose we'll get married' whilst reclined on the sofa, but it's perfectly ok that the OP doesn't feel like that.

Just because someone wants a bit of effort, does not mean they're very materialistic either.

OP - I think the emotional thing you're disappointed about is why, in this special, one-in-a-lifetime thing, did he not make more of an effort. In your case I would look at the larger picture of your relationship and see if this has been a pattern previously, if it's a fluke.

Here’s the thing: just like Valentine’s Day, it seems to me that the requirement for balloons or other decor as a background to a proposal is all part of getting people to spend money on tat. It’s not romantic at all — it’s some cynical marketer’s conception of romance and it’s really cliched and superficial. So there we go. You think I have a low bar: I think you’re shallow. And I wouldn’t have said it if you hadn’t repeated this insulting line about the bar being low ‘for some women’.

Well apparently the bar is that low for you. Or you wouldn't have said yes.

Exactly. And also to make life events Instagrammable. OP, not everyone needs to make manifest their every life event on SM. Since I’ve been on Instagram I’ve got married, had a child, moved countries several times, changed careers, published several books, won awards, and my Instagram remains what it always was — occasional photos of sunsets and strange graffiti.

I don’t see it as a ‘low bar’ either but then I’m not particularly into romantic gestures. I’m happy with a DH who makes me laugh until my sides hurt, who takes an equal role in parenting and caring for our kids, who pulls his weight around the house, doesn’t mind me having a lay-in on weekends and brings me up a coffee in bed because I’m lazy, who orders takeaway when I need cheering up. I don’t care that my proposal wasn’t romantic or picture-perfect and that our wedding was small and cheap.

I get there is nothing wrong with envisioning a certain proposal, ring and wedding day, but I do think people can lose sight of the fact the marriage is the most important thing- not one single day or how much the ring cost.

balloons are everywhere for everything now!

I have seen a few people with personalised balloons for their child’s first day back at school this year.

You sound like one of those people who is all about the instagram lifestyle? Be honest, did you need decor for yourself or to plaster it over social media for the adoration of other people?

As pp have said, it's the marriage and the relationship that count. And seeing it that way is mature not having a low bar.

I feel for your dh, he's going to have a long difficult life meeting your insta standards.

This ^^

Same thing happened to me. We were nodding off in bed and he asked me. One of the best moments of my life! It’s the marriage that’s important not the proposal.

So let me get this straight, the man you love asked you to marry him and you are now happily married but you have only "70% forgiven" how he asked you?

Wow. I wouldnt have married you at all with that attitude.

I've been happily married for 26 years and have never been proposed to! 😂 My husband to be was busy telling me about how his parents were writing to let his siblings know that we were getting married and I said "Hang on you haven't asked me yet". He was just so excited and replied "Yes I know but we are going to be", carrying on babbling about the arrangements. For a few seconds, the stubborn side of me thought about saying no, not until you ask me properly but then I knew I wanted to marry him, even if he was too excited about the thought to ask. In a way it was a little endearing that he was so happy he couldn't think straight. 🤣

It's become the running joke in the family now. I wasn't asked but was told I was marrying him. The romantic side of me feels a bit like I missed out but the sensible head tells me that the way he's a caring faithful partner for our life together is more important than missing out on an evening of roses and hearts.

That's so charming, @BeNavyCrab 💐

My husband and I, (together 14 years this year, married for 8) had a discussion in December and married in the May. No engagement ring, though I wear a wedding ring, no "show", everything nice and simple. Spent around 5k on the wedding (most of it on food) and we live happily ever after with our two children, dogs, cats and tortoises!

[30%]

At least you got a proposal. I didn't. I still got the most genuine man in the world so I’m ok with it. Your husband still get points for at least asking.

Decor would make anything better. Were you thinking balloons or dry ice? 😉 Make sure you enjoy all these comments. Don’t take them to heart. Have a laugh and share them with your husband. Have a lovely day.x

I understand what you're feeling. I'd have felt the same. My proposal was a very swanky restaurant overlooking the Thames and a night in Hilton park lane... that said the marriage ended very badly 11 years later. But I do understand your disappointment on the lack of creating a special effort or environment. Regardless of what the majority think here. I guess it's happened now, he sounds like good marriage material so be grateful for that. X