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Original poster

Disappointing proposal? Gather here

601 replies

GoldenGirl85 · 09/10/2024 12:15

So, we’ve been married for over a year now, but I still can’t shake this feeling about the proposal. I’d always said I wanted something private but special. Instead, it was just a quick question at home—no decor, no planning, and I even had to find us a restaurant to celebrate afterward. I’d say I’ve 70% forgiven him, but I still think, why did you flop so badly?

To give him some credit, he was extremely nervous and said he asked on a whim because he felt like doing it there and then. I understand whims, but I would have preferred for it to be planned.

Anyone else had a similar experience? How did you move past it?

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenGirl85 · 09/10/2024 18:47

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenGirl85 · 09/10/2024 18:52

@FrauPaige Exactly. All I wanted was a little bit of effort. I’m not necessarily a romance crazy person but I wanted the proposal to be meaningful and we’ve had such a colourful relationship there are so many things that could have been done to make it mean. Didn’t need to be expensive (although money isn’t an issue for DH)

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/10/2024 19:00

GoldenGirl85 · 09/10/2024 15:33

I've realised that the bar is quite low for a lot of women and people are accepting the bare minimum. There's nothing wrong with making an effort for your other half especially if that's what they want.

This was supposed to be a lighthearted post to share experiences of underwhelming proposals!!

Show quote history

There's nothing wrong with making an effort for your other half

How much effort did you make then?

Commonsense22 · 09/10/2024 19:00

Manypaws · 09/10/2024 18:31

People shared their stories to show that " perfect" proposals aren't that common and in the long run don't define how the relationship is going to be

OP has then decided that we all have a "low bar"

Few posters have made that point. Most posters have been ridiculing the OP for having feelings.

Again, I understand her as I cherish the proposal I got and you can't do ot again. But I also shared that other times were disappointing (like the covid wedding). Lots of people said "you can always have a party later" but we did and it wasn't remotely the same as a one time wedding.

Ultimately, we all have our disappointments and that's ok.

Manypaws · 09/10/2024 19:06

People haven't been ridiculing her for having feelings, it's a shame that that's what you have gained from this

It is disappointing that the OP feels that other women have a low bar when their values are simply different from hers

TakeMeDancing · 09/10/2024 19:06

If the bar is too low regarding his proposal, then why did you say yes?

HowAmYa · 09/10/2024 19:08

Really?
If dp came home today and asked me while sat on the sofa watching some shite on tv id say yes. Id probably get a nandos takeaway to celebrate. I'd be happy to sort the food, he's bought the ring afterall
..I feel like he's still made a bigger effort here lol.

Is it the 'show' of it all really important?

I think Instagram and tiktok have ruined people's perceptions of reality.
I firmly believe those who seek out large 'shows' of proposals are lacking elsewhere in their relationship...

I get it if you made it abundantly clear that you wanted a big do. But either way your marriage is more important than the way the question was asked.

ItTook9Years · 09/10/2024 19:08

GoldenGirl85 · 09/10/2024 18:52

@FrauPaige Exactly. All I wanted was a little bit of effort. I’m not necessarily a romance crazy person but I wanted the proposal to be meaningful and we’ve had such a colourful relationship there are so many things that could have been done to make it mean. Didn’t need to be expensive (although money isn’t an issue for DH)

There we go.

It WAS meaningful because it led to the pair of you marrying.

SerafinasGoose · 09/10/2024 19:09

LTB.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/10/2024 19:10

TakeMeDancing · 09/10/2024 19:06

If the bar is too low regarding his proposal, then why did you say yes?

Yeah , it's an odd one. The OP makes a smug comment about other women having low standards because they don't place much importance on the things that she cares about, but actually, she is the one who ended up ignoring the bar that she herself set!!

ItTook9Years · 09/10/2024 19:11

My bar is exceptionally high. I married a man that liked that I was equal to him in terms of career and money, who has his own interests and who didn’t see marriage as any sort of ownership. He does the bulk of the parenting so that I can work away half the time, supports almost all of my ridiculous plans and schemes and has my back every day.

Those are the important things. Frippery and feeling like you’ve been “chosen” by “a prince” are foolhardy things to build a life on.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/10/2024 19:13

Manypaws · 09/10/2024 19:06

People haven't been ridiculing her for having feelings, it's a shame that that's what you have gained from this

It is disappointing that the OP feels that other women have a low bar when their values are simply different from hers

I agree. OP does appear to be saying that women who think a proposal is meaningful enough in itself have a low bar. Whereas I personally would be incredibly sad and disappointed if I had gathered up the courage to ask someone to marry me and they felt that I should have done something different with the decor.

Habbibu · 09/10/2024 19:14

I proposed. We were living hundreds of miles apart in a long distance relationship .We had just left a party where everyone was dressed up as a martyred mediaeval Saint (It was all saints night and the party was hosted by mediaeval history PhD students). We'd had a really good time. We were both drunk, and it was raining, and the street lights were really pretty and he was just so nice. So I stopped and turned around and got on one knee.
A couple of weeks later we went to the beach where he lived because we bought a ring and we thought we could both propose. We went down there to have a proposal on the beach but it was night again by the time we got there and the tide was really high so his knee got really wet and we got really splashed.
Next year we will have been married 20 years and he has been amazing through thick and thin.

Gladicalled · 09/10/2024 19:14

Commonsense22 · 09/10/2024 19:00

Few posters have made that point. Most posters have been ridiculing the OP for having feelings.

Again, I understand her as I cherish the proposal I got and you can't do ot again. But I also shared that other times were disappointing (like the covid wedding). Lots of people said "you can always have a party later" but we did and it wasn't remotely the same as a one time wedding.

Ultimately, we all have our disappointments and that's ok.

Show quote history

I disagree most posters have ridiculed her.

However, one of her main complaints is a lack of decor. She wasn’t happy and still said yes. Then planned the wedding got married and has been in that marriage for approx a year, whilst still not having forgiven him (there’s nothing to forgive) and thinking about how he failed to meet her expectations.

If op occasionally wished there was more to the proposal, I would get it. But still thinking about he failed and having nor quite forgiving him, is bizarre.

Telling women their bar is too low, even though she said yes and married him, is bizarre.

Personally, I find it strange that so many women want to be proposed to, want it to be a surprise and want it exactly how they want it. But if that’s what is so very important to them, that’s up to them. But to say yes and still be annoyed years later is bizarre. If a higher effort proposal was a non negotiable Op could have just said no.

ItTook9Years · 09/10/2024 19:15

I ASed. I think you’re focusing on this due to other fears about the future, OP.

Commonsense22 · 09/10/2024 19:15

Manypaws · 09/10/2024 19:06

People haven't been ridiculing her for having feelings, it's a shame that that's what you have gained from this

It is disappointing that the OP feels that other women have a low bar when their values are simply different from hers

That's simply untrue. The OP's poor choice of words came only after she had been abundantly mocked, ridiculed and torn to shreds for having hopes and feelings.

Habbibu · 09/10/2024 19:16

I would say that I had set the bar very high for the type of man I wanted to marry. And I think I have been proved completely right in who he is. I'm not sure he ever would have got around to proposing but it really doesn't matter. When things have actually been hard, and we've had some tough times, he has been absolutely everything I could want.

Gladicalled · 09/10/2024 19:16

GoldenGirl85 · 09/10/2024 18:52

@FrauPaige Exactly. All I wanted was a little bit of effort. I’m not necessarily a romance crazy person but I wanted the proposal to be meaningful and we’ve had such a colourful relationship there are so many things that could have been done to make it mean. Didn’t need to be expensive (although money isn’t an issue for DH)

But it was meaningful. He proposed. He asked you to marry him. That IS meaningful.

Can I ask what do you mean ‘colourful’?

TakeMeDancing · 09/10/2024 19:18

If an Instagram-worthy proposal was that important, she should have said no and left him to come up with a more dazzling proposal to sweep her off of her feet. But she said yes, and will spend the next 50 years pining for the proposal she never got.

Manypaws · 09/10/2024 19:20

@Commonsense22 what's untrue?

Manypaws · 09/10/2024 19:21

Oh so when the OP comments on people choices it's a poor choice of words but when people comment on hers it's being ridiculed... riiggghhhttttt

MrsS11 · 09/10/2024 19:23

Sorry you're getting so much grief op, mine proposed in the middle of an argument so I get it! He then bought a ring (honestly, after I'd been a bit princessy about not having one...) which was exactly the opposite of what I'd told him I'd like, when he was abroad seeing family, so it couldn't be returned. I was pretty upset at the time, but that was 17 years ago and it's no reflection on the kind of husband or dad he is, the marriage is great 🙂 let it go, honestly. BUT, word of warning, you may need to buy your own Christmas presents in future 😅
My friends proposals were on lovely mountains or beaches, nice holidays or out for a meal so I don't think it's a unreasonable to expect some thought put into it but it really doesn't matter in the end.

Getonwitit · 09/10/2024 19:31

God Lord, i have heard it all now.

sunights · 09/10/2024 19:35

DreadPirateRobots · 09/10/2024 12:32

A lot of people would consider it romantic that he wanted to marry you, in an ordinary, everyday moment, so much that he just blurted it out.

THIS ⬆️

KaleQueen · 09/10/2024 19:38

I think the posters who’ve shared their proposal stories that were ‘ordinary’ but still lovely, to make @GoldenGirl85 feel better are going to be slightly miffed by her suggestion that they ‘set the bar low’.

I hope you find some contentment soon (and that’s meant genuinely) - and can move past this lingering disappointment that’s eating you up. Life is full of disappointments ❤️