Disappointing proposal? Gather here

[GoldenGirl85]

So, we’ve been married for over a year now, but I still can’t shake this feeling about the proposal. I’d always said I wanted something private but special. Instead, it was just a quick question at home—no decor, no planning, and I even had to find us a restaurant to celebrate afterward. I’d say I’ve 70% forgiven him, but I still think, why did you flop so badly?

To give him some credit, he was extremely nervous and said he asked on a whim because he felt like doing it there and then. I understand whims, but I would have preferred for it to be planned.

Anyone else had a similar experience? How did you move past it?

Who mentioned instagram? I would also be disappointed if no effort was made for my birthday (and I would always make an effort for his myself) but at least that happens every year, not once in a lifetime

He did make a fuss. He proposed.

She's in her first year of marriage - this can be a trying time psychologically and emotionally. You have doubts over whether you have done the right thing, whether life as a wife is living up to previous expectations - all the while, your friends are non-exclusively dating a succession of chiseled jawed hunks on OLD, and still have their own flat exactly as they like it.

For those of us that are two decades into marriage, we sometimes forget that its not 1999 anymore - you don't have your wedding, buy a house for the price of a car, and start popping out kids at 25. The financial pressures on young couples today are far different - and that effects things.

They want to know they are doing the right thing, that the hardship - of saving for a deposit, shelling out for a wedding and honeymoon - is worth it. That this man is worth it.

Gestures help with that. It need not be expensive - dinner cruise, weekend away - but something that just says: "I value you, I value this milestone, I put some effort into this."

If her bloke can put in the effort to shave and make himself presentable for work meetings, is it so unreasonable for OP to want effort shown for this lifetime relationship milestone?

Let up on her

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=proposal+decorations&crid=16DXM2FWPEWNT&sprefix=proposa%2Caps%2C103&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_2_7

Take your pick!

I thought my DH might propose to me on holiday. We had a lovely meal and a stroll down to the beach and looked out over a beautiful castle in the sea. He said nothing, and I was disappointed as it was the evening before we went home from holiday. 3 weeks later when I was helping DC to collect conkers in the park he went down on one knee and I thought he was looking for conkers and I wasn't even facing him and he asked me. I spun around surprised and said yes. When I got home he had flowers waiting there for me. Later I asked why he didn't ask me on holiday and he said he thought I might have been expecting it and he wanted it to be a surprise. I thought then I wonder what other life surprises he has in store for me.

Shows how there’s no correct way to do these things doesn’t it. This is obviously popular but if I came into a room full of that sort of stuff I couldn’t run backwards fast enough. Although I’d probably go back later to check he was alright, hadn’t taken a blow to the head or something.

It doesn't matter, if it's from the heart that's the main thing.
Focus on the marriage you want not the proposal and wedding. If you think you can make eachother happy and support eachother through good and bad times then that's what you say yes to, not a fancy ring and proposal.
If however this is about more than just the proposal and you feel like you aren't actually compatible then call it off now

We were standing in a muddy puddle in the dark in January. It was freezing cold. He didn't get down on one knee (see:puddle) but it felt hopelessly romantic! Married 30 years this year. It's the marriage that counts!

Pa my DH proposed via email (he was abroad at the time) then "officially" in the car at the beach when he got home, he didn't buy a ring because he thought I'd rather choose myself.
We've been married 15 years and I still don't regret it!

And there it is! Must have photos or it didn't happen!

Certainly not the OP. As if scenic walks and candles didn't predate social media.

I wonder if all the posters who think the OP is ridiculous think that the efforts made by other husbands are also ridiculous? My husband took me on a nice walk, and had purchased champagne and chocolates. Is that ridiculous and meaningless? In the PPs' eyes, should he have been morally superior by proposing as I came out of the shower?

It does all feel like a race to the bottom. It doesn't mean a bad proposal can't be overcome, but it's imo disingenuous to refuse to admit there's such a thing as a nice proposal.

I don’t think anyone is arguing that nice proposals aren’t nice. I think they’re pointing out that proposals come in all shapes and to be upset or embarrassed that yours didn’t meet the fantasy version you’d created in your head (or hinted at even but OH didnt do it that way) is slightly missing the point of the proposal.

To add my two pence worth, mine booked an amazing five star hotel with a suite room to propose. I had no idea. Then he bottled it as couldn’t find the right time. We had an amazing weekend but I had no idea what was he had planned. The week later I was lying hungover on bed at home when he popped the question. I couldn’t have been happier either way. He’d asked and I adored him and I was ecstatic. Surely that’s the point?!

@Commonsense22 People aren't saying that at all, they are saying don't base the relationship on a proposal

You did marry him though. If your bar was set higher, as you suggest everyone else's should be, then you'd have said no, go away and do better otherwise it'll take me over a year to only 70% forgive you.
You were underwhelmed and said yes. That's where you set your own bar. Its a shame you didn't get the big shebang you were hoping for but don't try placing yourself above other women to mitigate that.

I mean….theres also the wedding photos? Would they do? 😂

Saying the bar is quite low for some women is an incredibly unkind thing to say, so is insisting your husband failed at his proposal because there were no balloons, candles, rose petals or James Blunt singing You're Beautiful outside the window.

I have been married for more than 40 years and I don't remember an actual proposal, more an acceptance that we were going to be together for the long haul, and arranging our wedding after buying our first house.

The OP isn't though.

She has lingering regrets about a special moment she was hoping to cherish. People have piled on to say she is ridiculous to have had any expectations or hopes about this moment and is not allowed to be disappointed.

@GoldenGirl85

You are assuming that people found these proposals underwhelming, they didn't

And if the people are not disappointed that is great. But that doesn't allow them to ridicule anyone who had slightly different wishes and hopes.

People shared their stories to show that " perfect" proposals aren't that common and in the long run don't define how the relationship is going to be

OP has then decided that we all have a "low bar"

I blame social media for these kind of expectations.

Why can’t I have both? Or is that the bar that low for some women?

Why do you keep saying that, it's so offensive?

Are you happy in your marriage? If so, you need to get a grip, kindly

Why do you think that not wanting a staged proposal is having a low bar?

Is that what love and caring looks like for you?