Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Fantastic! It really will feel fresh and new physically and metaphorically! 😄

I think my DH may have ASD because..

*Our daughter has ASD and known to have a genetic link
*Prefers to be on own, has no friends
*Difficulty planning ahead for activities (I sort out all our holidays and what we do on holiday as we would go nowhere and do nothing if left to him)
*Talking in depth about special interest (work in my DH's case)
*Lacks empathy sometimes

He is 55 and very unlikely to be diagnosed

Thoughts, advice

Those do sound like autistic traits and your DD's ASD might well be coming from your DH.

How does he cope with everyday life? Does he recognise that he might be autistic?

Reading these threads might be helpful as there are some very knowledgeable, as well as supportive, people on here.

As you both have a daughter and he is 55 I assume you have been married for quite some time. So my only advice is to ask yourself what has worked for you both and what you can learn from that.

Hard to diagnose, but possibly yes from what you say. Other things to look for (though everyone with ASD presents differently of course):

low frustration tolerance
short temper
insistence he is right about things (meaning everyone who doesn’t agree is automatically wrong)
emotional outbursts (anger)
forceful reaction to being told what to do
perceiving criticism all the time
generally being critical of others a lot of the time
rigid way of doing things (and can become agitated if this is questioned)
hoarding of stuff
spreading of stuff so that shared spaces become his because of all his stuff
problems executing tasks
meticulous focus on a task (usually to avoid doing something else)
steering all conversations to himself (or not engaging at all if it is a conversation he isn’t interested in and can’t adapt to “well when I did…..”
boasting about himself
not being able to read people’s faces/reactions

Really this is just a description of my DP! My dad is also autistic and they’re very similar in a lot of ways described above. My stepson is also autistic and has less of these qualities but more sensory needs and problems socially. What I haven’t done is list DP’s good qualities. Of which there are a few!

Assuming your DH is autistic, how does this affect your life day to day?

@Georgeismydog

Busty's list also describes my diagnosed autistic DH except that mine has good executive function and doesn't hoard.

However my DH is also incredibly noise sensitivity to the extent that he almost always has headphones on when awake, we have to tiptoe around if he's asleep and he's chosen to have a separate bedroom.

My H was diagnosed in his mid 50s so he can get diagnosed. Its whether or not that will make any difference. He may be offered some sort of support group/ service if he wanted to engage in that.

Has anyone else been completely without any affection for years? How has it effected you and have you managed to improve the situation?

The list by @BustyLaRoux could easily describe my DF, who is very likely autistic. Also a bit like my H, who is probably AuADHD. Especially the short temper and irritability. Although I attribute those to adhd rather than ASD but there is such a cross-over!

It's so variable though, as an autistic woman I'm nothing like my DF or H, I people please and get completely overwhelmed by emotions and trying to keep everyone happy.

In terms of empathy I do that double empathy thing where it may sound like I'm turning the conversation onto myself but what I am trying to do is show the other person that I understand how they are feeling as I've experienced something similar. H does the same too. According to the Empathy Quwstions section of my ASD assessment I have 'below average' empathy, which I don't agree with as it's rather how I feel empathy and express it, than not having empathy. It might look like I don't as I don't express it like NTs do.

I do have some affection from DH. He does hugs and hand-holding. But I don’t think we’ve shared so much as a a peck on the cheek in 15 years. After the initial honeymoon / masking period, sex only ever happened in the service of procreation. After that, any time I tried to initiate sex he would look at me like I was suggesting something distasteful and insane. So I gave up.

Every so often, even in my knackered middle aged decrepitude, a man will sometimes flirt with me (harmlessly, playfully) and I can feel myself giving him the look I’m so used to getting from DH - a startled expression of horrified confusion - and it’s remarkably effective in driving perfectly nice people away with their tails between their legs. But it makes me realise how totally alien to my life the concept of playful eroticism has become.

It’s not been an issue for me, but my SIL (married to by DB) reports this. It is heartbreaking for her. My DB says affection would feel forced. I suspect he may have some traits of autism if I’m
honest, and I wonder about me also. My DP is extremely affectionate, but interestingly
if he feels stressed or aggrieved or irritable the affection gets turned off so suddenly it really affects me. It’s such a stark change and so very obvious that he’s turned it off just like that. So it’s very clear he is annoyed with me. I used to think it was cold shouldering and intentional. Punishment for my crimes. I’m not sure now. Possibly there is amount of intention there but possibly also he simply feels no affection towards me at that time. Which is upsetting. For my SIL I think the lack of ANY affection (and this includes compliments or congratulations as well), is slowly destroying her and it’s very sad to see.

dh could only do affection as groping or sex. And sex wasn’t very good.

So when it stopped, I can’t say I missed that.

I utterly miss cuddles. Affectionate ones, not the sex ones. But again haven’t had that ever really with dh.

Working on that with my therapist. If there was one thing I really wanted from being in a couple, that was affection/cuddles. Sex hid that issue at the start.

It maybe depends on how tactile you are and your needs but I would find it really hard I think, despite me not liking H's groping he is also a very cuddly person in everyday life (in a non gropy way!) Yet like @BustyLaRoux 's DP he will also turn off affection 'like a switch' when irritable. Although that doesn't last long.

Maybe some autistic people are more affectionate than others? I am but also need physical space and absolutely can't 'spoon' sleep or sit in a cuddle on the sofa for any length of time. I had an amazing FWB thing going with a chap before I met H and we matched really well like that, no offence taken when 'un-spooning'. He was most definitely ND too.

This makes me realise that DH doesn’t ‘cuddle’ either - he will hug me as a greeting or when he needs comfort, and will hold my hand automatically any time we are walking anywhere and have hands to spare (which rarely happens these days). But there is no snuggling up, and never has been.

I would in theory enjoy a bit of spooning in bed but DH is so incredibly sweaty at night it’s just not pleasant.

Hmm sex is a big issue for us. I don’t initiate intimacy anymore after being the one to do so for ages. We’ve tried working on it lately, but it’s just kind of tailed off. We’ve both had a lot on but in general any work done on the relationship is done by me since H is so very deeply avoidant.

Also… I absolutely turn off affection when I’m irritated with my DH - is this not normal? Can you hug someone - and mean it - when you’re actively pissed off with them? This may be beyond my capacity to tolerate ambivalence 🤣

Oh maybe it is! Maybe I'm so used to doing it (hugs eyc) even if I don't feel like it, just to make the other person feel better, that I've lost track of what is the norm here 😆

It's certainly very normal for me! If I'm really annoyed I prefer to hide it and touching would make it a bit more obvious. Unfortunately DW is almost certainly wise to this.

I often feel there is little choice but to hide my annoyance - if we had the sort of relationship where annoyances could be talked about and resolved without setting off WWIII levels of rejection-sensitivity / spiteful defensiveness / weaponised performative self-loathing, I imagine I wouldn’t be here seeking support on this thread.

My ultimate romantic fantasy is being able to say ‘I love you babe, but I need you to clean your skid marks off the toilet bowl’ and my partner would laugh and say ‘fair enough!’ And go and sort the skidmarks. And then we could enjoy a wholehearted cuddle. That’s really all I want.

Instead, since there can be no mentioning the skidmarks or the unwashed dishes or the unpaid bills or the missed appointments or his own appalling personal hygiene or all the other things he can’t turn his mind to because he’s busy obsessively researching how to build a medieval trebuchet with authentic tools and materials - without triggering a massive emotional conflagration where he tells me I’ve made him suicidal, I just swallow the resentment down and crack on with doing what needs doing. But I’m not going to be able to greet him when I come home with smiles and hugs. That is just too much to ask.

I do know what you mean. I probably am not very affectionate when I’m pissed off. I think it’s just that DP is very affectionate usually. More so than me. I’m not a spooner. I don’t mind a cuddle but I can’t fall asleep like that. Or cuddle on the sofa for long. It just isn’t comfortable! DP craves physical attention though. And gives it freely. But will very suddenly withdraw it if annoyed (like this evening for example!) And this includes even smiling or any warmth whatsoever. So it’s a very stark contrast! I would say the difference between my normal state and my pissed off state is far less obvious. It feels like such a punch in the gut when he does it as he is so affectionate usually. He isn’t one of those autistic people who have problems with touch or intimacy at all. We are fortunate that this isn’t an issue for us. I know how soup destroying it is for some couples. I hate to see my SIL craving affection the way she does and not getting any at all. Bizarrely when they were together for the first 4 years they were very close and cuddly and starry eyed. I think it hurts all the more that it’s all dried up. It makes her feel ugly and fat and unloved. I don’t really know what to say to support her….

Careful not to destroy the SOUP!!! 🤣

Is it wrong that bits of your post made me laugh??!

Yeah I’m the same, Bunnyhair. Lol about the skid marks!

Gaslit again.

I bought a poster for my DS for Xmas. It has images of a thing from 70s onwards. Classics. How they’ve changed over the years. It arrived yesterday’s and I opened it and showed DP. And asked if he thought my DS would like it.

He looked up from what he was doing and started pointing at various ones going “Had them. Had them. Had them. Had them….” I was like 😐. Then I said “aaaaanyway…..” as I do when I want to get back to the original point which he has usually derailed by turning the focus to himself.

He replied “oh back to you, is it?!” in a sarcastic way. I said “no not at all, I was just wanting an answer to my original question is all. Whether you think DS will like it?”

He replied (and here comes the usual gaslighting) “I already answered that. You must not have heard me. Your hearing (I have a hearing difficulty) is especially bad at the moment”.

I just said “mmmm”. So he got annoyed and said I was rude and how he answered my question straight away (he didn’t) and he was just trying to show an interest etc and saying “anyway” like that is my way of telling him he’s making the conversation all about him (he is right. That is what it means. But also….thats exactly what he did! As usual!!) and how he wasn’t doing that at all. I was rude and I should apologise to him etc etc.

This is my problem:

1. he didn’t respond to the question as to whether my DS would like it. So as he likes to do, he has rewritten history, convinced himself he is 200% right (because his made up lies can never be wrong).
2. he then tries to make out it’s my hearing which is the problem (not his lying)
3. he seems to think “showing an interest” is listing what HE has had, or where HE has been. As if there is an imaginary question I’ve asked along the lines of “which of these did you have?” It’s like I say one thing (do you think DS will like this?) but he hears another entirely (which of these did you have?). He does it all the time. If someone got out a map and said they were thinking of going travelling, for example, he would most likely stand there pointing at various countries going “been there. Been there. Been there. Been there….” Again the person would be saying “I’m thinking of travelling maybe here or here…” but he would hear “which countries have you been to?” Socially it’s really cringey. It comes across like he’s trying to impress people. I wonder if that’s it. An autistic thing of struggling to know how to relate to people (as not much empathy) and instead thinks impressing them is the way to go about it. But misjudging what is impressive. And assuming pointing and listing where he’s been or what he’s had is received as super impressive when the reality is people didn’t ask that! And they are not impressed. More that they’re cringing for him. Which of course he cannot read.
4. so many of our conversations go like this 😐

If I showed this to someone else and asked if they thought DS would like it, they’d say “oh wow, that’s really nice. He’ll love it!” Then they’d stand and look at it for a bit. Then they might say “oh I think I had some of those. I loved them! And some of those. Ahh that’s great. Yeah he’ll love it!”

Conversation with DP goes “I got this for DS. Do you think he’ll like it?”
Looks up. Scans poster. “I had those” continues scanning. “Had those. Had those. Had those….” Pointing and listing.

I get it isn’t his fault. I just sometimes crave a normal exchange. I feel like I’m having a one sided conversation with a five year old who is proudly telling me/listing what toys they got for their birthday!

I hear you re the having to swallow the resentment and not being able to talk about annoyances without setting off WW3 and a flood of RSD, defensiveness and in H's case possibly rage ( due to panic).

Maybe my hugs and smiles are a form of fawning, as it keeps the calm and protects me. I realisit is s probably 'wrong' and it maybe confuses H too as it might signal me accepting things, rather than raising an issue to be addressed. I gave up on addressing things a very long time ago. It's easier to keep the peace.