Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

My first marriage was to a narcissist and this relationship is to a man with Autism. To be fair they are similar but my current partner is sweet and isn’t violent. The first had no interest in my feelings and the second has no ability to recognise my feelings. Either way I suppress still.

Does anyway else struggle with this. When I feel something I tend to verbalise it. For example if I have a sore throat I will say, oh I have a bit of a sore throat today. Or if I feel a bit sad from something I will say oh I’m feeling a bit sad today because of this or this. My family seem to take this as me complaining or wanting to cause drama. Is it not normal to talk about how you feel. I feel like I’m just annoying everyone? I’m not wanting anything from what I say I’m just saying it because it’s part of my day.

Yes I do this all the time, DD says I'm 'complaining all the time' apparently. I'm not after sympathy or for anyone to do anything for me I just feel that I have to share it. Not sure why actually 🤔

The friend who gave me the book about Highly Sensitive People is ADD (without the H) makes me wonder how many of HSP people are actually ADHD. Strongly suspect I'm AuADHD rather than just ASD but can't afford to go down another diagnosis route! Financially or emotionally.

I don’t know either. I spend an awful lot of time asking for my partner and DD to talk to me because I’m not a mind reader. She will often say to me well you didn’t care that my throat is sore. Well I would have if she had told me about it. I can only work with what people can tell me, perhaps that’s my issue in that I don’t read cues but then perhaps I have spent too long around people who just don’t communicate. I can’t stand the egg shells, if you have an issue just say it.

I have an issue with my MIL because on multi occasions she has told me “it doesn’t matter” or “just forget about it” or completely dismissed or changed the subjects on issues where I talk about a feeling I have about something. I can’t stand to be around her anymore because what’s the point when you can’t voice an option about anything and have someone take it on board. I’m not sure if this is a me problem. But to me it feels likes I don’t really care how you feel and if you don’t care how I feel then you don’t care about me and I don’t want to waste time on you.

@Rainbow03 Yes to me not being able to pick up cues and my DD also not telling me when she's ill, or not immediately and although I am next to her almost 24/7 I can't always tell if she's ill unless it's a physical symptom/pale/not eating or drinking. When she was younger she was ill a lot so I was checking her temperature almost daily as she wouldn't say or complain when she was ill.

The bit about feeling like people dismiss you by not acknowledging your feelings ring true too. I used to feel like I was wrong for having these feelings, resulting in me acting all chirpy and happy when not feeling it so people wouldn't think I was a nuisance. Those few old true friends are my safe people who I can allow myself to share feelings around now. Otherwise I will just say and act as if fine now, to not inconvenience people with my feelings.

That’s my issue. I’d rather just stay away now because if they only accept me behaving a certain way then they don’t accept me at all. I feel like I’m being trained to shut up because they either don’t care, don’t like me, can’t deal with feelings, have an ulterior motive. I’m so skeptical of people dismissing feelings now. For example these people I’ve expressed that I don’t feel welcome and they have kind of mocked me. I may be wrong but decent people would make an effort wouldn’t they not laugh and say well it’s your problem you are sensitive, we are not. I just don’t go now.

I wouldn’t normally post in this field but this https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=whvkEmLi9aQ&list=PL7nffRXPOhPBwDwhB9WFI59MiVu91qwqq&index=2&pp=iAQB has the simplest explanation of autism I have come across. At about 28:30 in.

I hope someone finds it useful.

Ah, no, more coping. But DW definitely doesn't see all my feelings and very often will just dismiss them.

My feelings are much the same. It's horrible that they mocked you, that is really insensitive and invalidating of them.

On the other hand I have also figured out there's a time and place for sharing feelings with people and that not everyone is in a good place to have someone unloading their woes on them. I came across the term trauma dumping on MN a while back, and although I don't think I went as far as this, I now realise that there might have been times (when younger) when I've over-shared to the wrong people. Still learning!

Hmm interesting discussion. I grew up with an anxious mother who would only accept a very narrow window of feelings, and never anger. DH does not accept anger as a feeling either - just my being angry triggers rejection sensitivity. I wonder if this is part of why we got together with different neurotypes?

My DH has alexithymia which is often co morbid w ASD. I think it must be so hard to feel feelings but not really express or name them. He started off by repressing them (partly why we got together as I thought he had amazing emotional regulation skills) but then they all came pouring out and now there's so much to manage.

I've always been anxious and I have heightened feelings, I'm not ADHD but I see traits in myself. I've learned to cope so much better whilst my DH has gone in the other direction and is always just unraveling. I've spent so much time and energy managing my own emotions I just can't face being on the hook for his as well. It's just sad that basically we are not very compatible now.

Oh yes I’ve trauma dumped in my past that’s for sure and have stopped that. I’m talking like I mentioned that I was really struggling after my baby was born as she cried for 17 hours a day and I wanted help. The MIL basically said I was doing things wrong and that I was feeling wrong and I should just be a calmer person like her. What I wanted was some support instead I got dismissed and that pushed me to the edge with no sleep for months and months.

Definitely I've 'trauma dumped' pre therapy also 🫣.

I know I cringe about what I’ve said to people in the past. Sometimes it just overspills.

Part of why I think I am probably ASD is my inability to see things from the perspective of others. I can empathise (if that's the right word?) with others once I have had the same or a similar experience myself, but if I haven't, I can't imagine how they feel at all - I can cognitively know how someone feels if they tell me or if I work it out from their behaviour, but it doesn't mean anything to me unless it is something I have also directly experienced. I see this in my DH too. I fear we may be the 'everything should be logical' people in our families, although I certainly wouldn't laugh at anyone's feelings, I just often struggle to relate. This has improved somewhat with age, as I now have more personal experience to draw on.

@NDornotND In the Youtube I linked above, that’s exactly what Dr Az Hakeem says.

Same here @Rainbow03

I’m quite taken aback at how much similarities there are between me and you (and others posters with ND parents/family)
My family isn’t ND. But they are emotionally immature, aka emotionally unavailable.

The impact seems to be quite similar tbh

He started off by repressing them (partly why we got together as I thought he had amazing emotional regulation skills) but then they all came pouring out and now there's so much to manage.

@FreshLaundry me too!!!

So similar @FreshLaundry
Grew up being told I was "Too easily annoyed" by a mother who didn't do emotion at all. Taught that it was a fault of mine when I expressed any emotion. Any expression of sadness, happiness, irritation, anger, being even slightly annoyed at anything was met with eyerolling and literally bring told I shouldn't be feeling x,y or z feeling. We never talked about anything that would elicit emotion. She still does this BTW. I suppressed so much emotion growing up.
I also realise i chose an partner who i thought was so strong and was so emotionally regulated. In reality he is like my mum in that he doesn't do emotion.
I know I can't make dh (or my mum) be more emotive, anymore than he can make me less emotional.

I think the world as it is is pretty unhealthy.

Oh that is absolutely awful, very similar to my old Inlaws who were very dismissive and as a result I felt I had to act all ok when I wasn't at all. For example I had Swine Flu and was genuinely really unwell, my SIL made it out as if I was putting it on and was really snarky and dismissive. Same when I was signed off with stress/burnout they all made me feel like I was weak. Horribe! (Later when her dear brother nearly strangled me and I left she also made out I was making it up and should just stop being silly and go back home to my husband, really sick toxic family but I couldn't see it at the time. I thought I was just 'wrong')

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore thats awful
🫂🫂

I think you've described DW very well!

Oh dear! I am trying though and hopefully I am not coming across as outwardly selfish. 😦

Me too!!!! I’m just saying it out loud. Don’t need sympathy or a solution. Not complaining.

Though I have to say my autistic dad does this constantly. Every tiny twinge or itch is verbalised. It’s like a constant running commentary on exactly how he’s feeling at all times. This is wearing. Often accompanies by the old man exclamations of pain and sighs of weariness. I don’t need this level of updates!!!!