My new friend is diagnosed autistic. We get on well. We share a hobby which is how I met him. New friend is having some issues where he works and says he’s fallen out with the new manager. And had previously fallen out with the one before that. They’d asked him to consider who the common denominator was. He was outraged! And told me all about it. We got on to the subject of support and family and he told me he no longer speaks to his parents or his sibling.
If struck me that this routine falling out with people, the issues at work, the blaming everyone else and the refusal to accept the common denominator might actually be the root of the problem. The indignation of any suggestion that maybe he makes things difficult….. it was all very reminiscent.
It struck me that the three most challenging relationships in my life (DP, my dad and my SIL) are all (most likely) autistic. How they see criticism in every comment, how they never take any responsibility, how they routinely upset other people (SIL has a host of people she no longer speaks to but of course it is always the other person who has behaved badly and never her. She even physically attacked someone in public the other day - but of course it was their fault, not hers! 😱). The hypocrisy of offending people all the time and yet managing to find ways to be constantly offended themselves (with the exception of my dad who is actually incredibly thick skinned). The fault finding and obsession with blame all the time. The rigid view they are always right. No room for reflection or questioning one’s self. Shutting down of any view that doesn’t match theirs. Dismissiveness of people who do things differently. Rudeness to people. Incredible difficulty with apologising and will instead deflect blame onto partner/ colleague/relative/friend. Constantly interrupting. Constantly making every conversation about them. Inability to empathise. Inability to read people. The seeking of conflict. Shouting as communication (all three of them have or have had partners who continually ask them to please stop shouting all the time. Obviously they deny shouting or say it’s the other person’s fault for making them shout).
When I say “they” I mean these three people in my life. I don’t mean all autistic people at all. I’m sure there are many millions of autistic people who don’t behave like this at all. But these behaviours are common to the three people in my life that I have a close relationship with. They are by far the most challenging relationships I have. They test my patience to its absolute limit. They are all strikingly similar.
And I was thinking about my new friend (I don’t know him very well) and wondering if his nearest and dearest would say similar things about him. Just the things he’s told me about his ex relationship and his struggles at work and some of the messages he’s written to people and showed me. I’m trying to be a friend as I think he could do with one right now, but I did wonder how much of his current challenges are his own doing. How I wish someone would say to these people (again I mean the people in my life, not all autistic people) how hard they make it for themselves and for everyone around them. How it’s not everyone else. It is them. I wish someone would deliver them hard truths. I have tried over the years but I’ve probably been too gentle. I shy away from confrontation. I know my DB has tried with his DW (my SIL) but it doesn’t go down well and she won’t accept or entertain anything he says and just shouts at him or bursts into floods of tears and says he is horrible to her. There is no room for reflection. I love these people but my life would be a lot easier without them.
I also know there is a drive to get NT people to accommodate these behaviours and to see them as a disability. But I am ND myself. Is my ND trumped by autism? Should these three people be allowed to upset (assault?!) and abuse people because to blame them for doing so is seen as discriminatory? How many of us on here are struggling and suffering? All those posts I’ve read where people have sought support through groups or couple counselling only to be told they are the ones who need to try harder! I don’t want to try harder! I am trying. I want someone to say to each of these people in my life that it’s them who need to change their behaviours to make life better for those around them. The whole thing makes me quite upset and sad.
(Sorry if I’ve offended anyone. I haven’t meant to. Honestly this is about me and my relationships with three people who make my life very very hard).