Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Ok that was long sorry.
Still over explaining 🫣🫣🫣

I’m sorry to change the subject but me and the kids are watching a Christmas film and does anyone else just love Christmas? My family and my partner love Christmas in their own logical “we do this same thing every year and go about the motions” it’s all about how they feel and what they need to do. I just love the look on my kids faces. I have lived a long time in some kind of survival or reaction mode to other people’s nonsense that I find I lost that little innocent light I used to have. Christmas reminds me that the world isn’t all bad and full of monsters and logic. It such a season about the way we feel. I can’t imagine being in a world which doesn’t feel these looks on little ones faces and the lights and smells. My partner thinks I’m a child. He can’t see why I want to take them to the reindeer and garden centre’s with all the lights. I take them for them and I take them for me to see their faces.

@Rainbow03 I love some aspects (but not others) of Christmas too, but DH sucks the joy out of it tbh because he hates it. He's like scrooge & the grinch rolled into one. I've tried to convince him that he could enjoy it if he ignored the bits he hates (consumerism, forced jollity, etc., which I agree with him on) and focused on the good stuff (children's excitement, special food, and so on), but he can't see past the annoying bits. I think it just all feels a bit too demanding and full of expectations tbh. More and more I feel like I'd like to spend Christmas with other people who do enjoy it. I've even said that to him ...but he thinks it's all fake & noone actually enjoys it, because he doesn't and can't comprehend that others genuinely do (sigh)

@NDornotND thats the thing about Christmas, its a feeling and not something that you can explain or put logic to. I don’t have very good memories of Christmas. I was overwhelmed as a child and alone due to my parents never really noticing me. The film we just watched had a part where they said the boy needs to believe in himself like his mum and his dad do and that makes me sad. My memories of Christmas are not to do with the sense of family and safety like it should. Lots of films are about returning home for Xmas and I don’t want to do that. But there is a part of innocence inside me that just likes the feeling regardless. It’s a funny season, it must seem pointless to some.

I bloody love Xmas! I love the build up. I love the beautiful displays in shop windows and the twinkly lights everywhere. I love children getting excited about FC (though my DC are older now and know he’s not real. My DD and I still pretend he is!) I love the social aspect and getting glammed up and seeing friends more than usual. I love Xmas shopping. I love mulled wine. I love a beautifully decorated real tree. I love wrapping presents while drinking a sherry. I love Xmas tipples and all the beautiful food my DP makes. I love snuggling up to watch a Xmas movie. I love all the family traditions every family has. It is my absolute favourite time of year! I am like a pig in 💩 from bonfire night through til Xmas. In fact I woke up at 5:45 this morning and started thinking about Xmas presents for the extra family we have coming this year and I got too excited thinking about it all and couldn’t get back to sleep!! 🤣

When DP and I got together he wasn’t that arsed about Xmas. I don’t think him and his ex made a big thing of it other than buying a ridiculous amount of stuff for their kids. They didn’t get excited about FC and just left the kids to open their stockings in their rooms I think. It all sounded really perfunctory and not very special
for the kids.

Our first Xmas he was a bit WTF??? I remember going shopping with him so he could get some FC bits for his DC. I’d hold some small thing up and say what about this? And he’d say things like “she doesn’t need one” or “it’s not very practical is it??” I remember laughing at him (not in a horrible way) as he was struggling to grasp the concept of what goes in a stocking. In typical autistic fashion he felt things should be needed and practical. And I was like “no no, that isn’t what kids want! They want fluffy socks and novelty pens and mini torches and cute little tins of sweets etc. Not a load of practical items!” He did manage to laugh at himself and said “oh ok. I guess that makes sense. I’m gonna need your help then!”

Slowly I have converted him from a grinch to someone who really likes Xmas now. I am infectious! He says to his DC “kids, doesn’t Busty make Xmas magic?” And they agree. And I am so happy!!! Because when I was young Xmas was pretty unspecial! And I really don’t want that for our DC. I want them to look back and remember Xmas being the best time of year. It shouldn’t be about expensive presents or practical items. It should be all your senses in overdrive (in a good way). Everything smelling and looking and tasting amazing. And doing your silly family traditions. And the kids being beyond excited. (Even talking about it makes me very very happy!!!!)

@BustyLaRoux your love of Christmas shines through!

Wow @BustyLaRoux! That's the sort of energy we need 😊
I think my DH's attitude is coloured by the fact that the Christmas traditions in his home country are very different from those in the UK, and Christmases weren't fun for him as a child - he just remembers a very long boring church mass and a special meal - presents weren't a thing! Also, when we got together I wasn't long out of my first marriage and I found navigating Christmas really hard with two children I had to "share" with my ex and often be apart from. I really struggled emotionally at that time of year, while still trying to make it fun for the children, and he took that as me not liking Christmas too. But I'm long past that difficult stage (children from first marriage now adults with their own families) and I'd like to be more Busty-like and revel in it all - but DH is nowhere near on the same page ...Clearly I don't have Busty's powers of persuasion!

Reading back I do seem to have mentioned alcohol three times! That’s not a good sign!! 🤪 (note to self: don’t overdo it this year Busty!) 🤣

When I was younger my parents were still together and it was a pretty joyless affair. We were allowed to choose one gift up the value of £20 I think. And honestly we had the absolute shittest silver plastic tree known to man. One of the legs had broken off so it had to be kind of propped up and all the silver had come off so really it was just white. And droopy. And wonky. It was so sad. I found a photo of me and my brother the other week and behind us was THE TREE. I posted the photo on FB and my cousin commented “god that tree really is the gift that keeps on giving!” 🤣🤣🤣 My parents argued. Everyone was a bit fraught. The decorations were limited to tinsel and a bowl of mixed nuts. (I allow neither in the house at Xmas now as they signify misery to me!)

Actually once my parents divorced xmases were very different. Much better. Apart from the one where my dad punched me in the face. That one wasn’t so good. But the ones with my mum were utterly fabulous! Then I realised what Xmas could be like. And when I had my children it was like a switch went on inside.

My mum is no longer with us. Every year I find a quiet ten minutes on my own to watch Tim Minchen on YouTube singing White Wine in the Sun. (This epitomises my mum after she moved abroad). I have a little cry because I miss her very much and for some reason xmas always makes us think of those who have left us more than usual. And I thank my lovely mum for handing me the xmas mantle. 🥰

I'm in with @BustyLaRoux here regarding Christmas, I love it, particularly since having DD! Possibly due to mixed feeling about it growing up, complicated family dynamics, the only child every year and grown ups focusing mostly on the food etc etc. I enjoyed it but the day itself also brought a sense of anti climax each year.

Yet, on the brighter side, in Sweden there was also this magical tradition of all of December bring an extra special time of year, with Advent Fika every Sunday, extra celebrations on the 13th December for St Lucia, a televised Advent Calender Drama with an accompanying calendar revealing a clue each day before you watch each episode, and just generally a very cozy and warm feeling which lasted all the way through to the New Year. This I really enjoyed and have tried to bring into our family so DD can enjoy it too. H is actually really keen on these traditions too and joins in, which is lovely! My DM sends a copy of the TV calendar and thanks to Chrome Cast we watch every day, me translating.

As many traditional things are out of the window for us (panto, Christmas markets, events involving people generally!) we do lost of thinfs at home like baking and decorating gingerbread and houses, crafts, brunches with friends coming here, films etc. An alternative way of doinf December which works for us.

This year though I might pop into London for some events myself, gahhh!

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore that sounds marvellous! Love these traditions. What’s the TV advent calendar drama? It sounds very intriguing..!

Hi. I hope it's okay to join. I've learned so much from reading these threads and I have come across this guy on YouTube. To me he sounds like someone who would have been like many of the DHs mentioned in these threads, but who's had enough self awareness to realise he would not be a good husband/parent/family man: https://www.youtube.com/@AdultwithAutism
My DSis's DH is on autistic burnout and her DS who is 18 is heading the same way. So sad.

Please don’t anyone take this the wrong way (I’m ND myself) but can some ASD people present as extremely clever, able to mask the social awkwardness really well, be extremely superior, look at someone and split them into perfect and bad (this sounds like narcissism but not), quite judgmental, have no negative emotions and are able to go through life very logical not being swayed by any emotions and see people who are emotional about things as ridiculous.

I don’t think it’s possible to have no negative emotions @Rainbow03
(well not unless you’re a psychopath)

It's something that's been going on for over 60 years and is broadcast on the main TV channel for from the 1st December every year. Aimed at all the family, usually involving some clever kids (often from different backgrounds) who end up solving a mystery or saving someone or something. Sweet but not too fluffy either! Each morning you open a flap/door of your calendar to find a 'clue' to add to speculation of what it might mean before watching the episode. It's a massive thing and 'everyone' watches it.

There were a few years when DD was small and life was really tough and rough when I hardly wanted to bother about Christmas at all as we couldn't live up to how it looks like in MT families. As DDs got older we've found our own style of doing December and I no longer feel 'left' out when others chat about markets, panto or noisy events. I walked down to the village Christmas marked by myself last year and found it too much even for me so no way would I bring DD!

H is really keen on cooking on Christmas Day (and he is an excellent cook!), which probably lessens the stress I might have felt if it was on me. That and the fact that we are a tiny family who can completely suit ourselves means DD can eat when and what she wants on Christmas Day, it's all very relaxed. It might have been different if we had extended family with expectations etc.

@Rainbow03 Some of that resonated regarding my DH, but your description seems a bit black and white, whereas I think things are a bit more nuanced. For DH I would say:
"extremely clever" - Yes, definitely, one of, if not the, cleverest person I know.
"able to mask the social awkwardness really well" -Yes, he can and does most of the time.
"be extremely superior" - to some extent, it's not a quality I admire.
"look at someone and split them into perfect and bad (this sounds like narcissism but not)" - again, to some extent, I see this as an example of black and white thinking.
"quite judgmental" - DH is very judgemental (so less nuanced in this case) and always looks for someone or something to blame when something goes wrong, even when it's clearly just 'one of those things'.
"have no negative emotions" - he definitely does have negative emotions, but often struggles to acknowledge, recognise, articulate, or express them.
"are able to go through life very logical not being swayed by any emotions and see people who are emotional about things as ridiculous" - he definitely often (but not always) sees people who get emotional about things as ridiculous, particularly if its about something he has no strong feelings about, I assume because he struggles to understand that different people have different perspectives. I think he sometimes doesn't believe that the emotions other people have can be genuine if they don't match his own responses, so he sees people expressing strong emotions as fake and probably manipulative.

Spunds a little bit like my DF but as he got older he was less able to keep up with the social masking and began to fall apart. Not sure about negative emotions though, he was quite nasty and snappy with DM (hence them being divorced) but never with me or my DB/other people. At 83 he lives as a recluse surrounded by trains and other items related to special interests.

My friend's exDP is a successful lawyer who fits that description quite well, but again was very abusive to my friend so maybe that falls under negative emotions?

Well that’s my confusion with this person. They don’t talk or seem to have any negative feelings. Anything remotely negative in content will be avoided away. But they behave in not very nice ways so their actions don’t match how they seem to be. They seem to really badly want to be seen in a certain way and do talk about emotions as something people use to manipulate but at the same time they behave in manipulative and unkind ways, but completely oblivious to the fact.

In some ways that sounds closer to dh, esp at the beginning.
A mix of masking and full on avoidance. For a long time, I thought I had to be the unreasonnable one as he was always so calm etc…

Dont be fooled though. It was just a facade and he is actually a really angry/frustrated person. It only comes out when his mask slips (and maybe with age?)

What I see is a very VERY controlled person covering something I’m not sure of. I thought it was ASD but Im not too sure. I’m totally avoided anywho!

Driving me mad today:

DH has been let down by someone who was supposed to buy some bit of hobby-related kit off him. He cannot stop obsessively ranting about how rude and irresponsible this is, even though he CONSTANTLY does this sort of thing to others - missing appointments, standing friends up for social engagements, ghosting people midway through making arrangements about something. He’s been banned from eBay for not paying for things and not sending things others had paid for, because of PDA & executive dysfunction & changing his mind and not being able to communicate about it.

Today he’s been going on and on and ON and ON about how he just doesn’t understand why people do this. What could possibly be behind this behaviour apart from being a total selfish arsehole who enjoys dicking people around?

And I couldn’t be arsed saying, ‘well, it can be hard to tolerate the pressure of having committed to something. I can relate to that, and I imagine you can, too. It’s a massive pain to be on the receiving end of, sure, but nobody’s perfect and but these things happen sometimes.’

Because when I’ve said things like this in the past, in the hope of opening up a bit of potential to let it go, and possibly even some self-awareness, he goes ballistic because he understands this as my defending some random arsehole who has wronged him, which means I’m ‘never on his side’. He just can’t see at all that, more often than not, he is that guy, wasting people’s time and dicking them around and not fulfilling his side of the bargain and disappearing from contact because it’s too much of a demand.

It wouldn’t trouble me so much if he could just say, ‘What a wanker! I waited in all afternoon! But hey ho, I guess that’s Facebook Marketplace for you.’ Instead it’s this all-consuming furious rant about other people’s utterly unfathomable selfishness and disrespect and society going down the drain, etc.

@Bunnyhair this sounds very familiar, we've had similar rants. I now end up just agreeing by nodding and saying how annoying it is as previously escalated H's frustration by sounding like I'm not on his side. Hope your DH moves on from it soon and stops the ranting. My H will also not watch his language in front of DD and wil use swearwords etc as he feels totally justified to rant loudly so everyone knows how annoyed he is. It's draining!

I think it’s the hypocrisy and total lack of self awareness / reflection that makes me feel crazy. When he lets other people down, and they express their disappointment, his view is that they have ridiculous expectations and are being controlling / demanding / entitled / etc. It js somehow their fault that he’s stood them up or not paid their invoice or whatever.

Nothing is ever his fault, and no inconvenience to him can ever be let go or forgiven.

It’s the amount of grace and understanding he insists on from others, and will never extend to anyone else.

👋👋 @SupervisorAlert666
Thank you for the link. Need to find a bit of time to listen to him and see what he says….

Just found these threads. So lovely reading all the stories and finding out I'm not alone.

My DH has ASD. He got himself diagnosed a few years ago around the same time as our DS(now 8) was diagnosed also ASD.
DH hasn't said more than a handful of words to me for the last 5 days. This isn't unusual. I think I've given up trying to communicate with him.
I'm lonely.
He doesn't contribute anything around the house - can't work the washing machine, won't clean anything (says he doesn't like the smell of "chemicals"). So I'm exhausted from working full time and running the house and looking after our 2 ND DS. Today I WFH and mowed the lawn on my lunch break because he won't help in the garden either. I don't really have spare capacity to try and figure him out.
He's very clever and has multiple qualifications and a well paid job that seems to keep burning him out.

Don't want to leave. He is good with our 2DS.
So I guess this is my existence for the foreseeable.