Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

@tverdle , I can't help but feel for you knowing exactly how it feels to be ignored by a DH who can go literally weeks without any desire to communicate. And also to be left to carry the full weight of logistics and family, because of their" important job" . It is such a lonely marriage.

But I did want to encourage you to take more time for yourself and to let the work around the house slide a bit so he will have to notice everything you do. Stop trying so hard. Stop doing everything! He probably doesn't even notice!
Take better care of your own needs, wants and desires. Realize that he is not going to love you or take care of you as you deserve so you must do it for yourself. He will not change. Spend time with your own friends, find your own hobbies. Get a life outside and away from him , for your own sanity. And don't feel guilty; it is the only way to survive.

@tverdle I’m glad you found us. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. Being the one who has to take responsibility for all the life and house stuff because the other adult can’t - and also can’t connect with you in a way that feels satisfying - is exhausting and lonely. And very hard when you’re also caring with children with higher than usual / different needs.

This is the maddening part. The hypocrisy. I find it so difficult to deal with. The ranting about other people (quite often his ex) for the way she parents only to do the exact same thing himself. Eg. She puts the kids to bed too late. They’re tired. It’s a school night. She’s a shit parent. Only for him to put them to bed on a school night at the same time ALL THE TIME! But when on occasions next day I’ve said “you and the kids were up quite late last night. Won’t they be tired today? I thought you were annoyed with [ex] for putting them to bed that time the other week”. (Because I want him to understand he is a hypocrite and to stop criticising her as he does it in front of his children all the time and it’s so damaging! And he does the same bloody thing!) He just denies that he put them to bed late. He’ll bristle and say it wasn’t that late actually. But I know what time it was because I’m in bed trying to sleep and I hear them talking loudly on the landing and using the bathroom and I look at the clock. I know exactly what time it was. I’ll tell him it was past 11pm. That I saw the clock and I know what time it was. He just says “no, you’re wrong” and also accuses me of defending his ex and always being on her side.

All the time criticising others and ranting for ages about their behaviour which is the same behaviour he does. And getting angry and saying I am defending the other person if I point out his hypocrisy. All the time. Like you all, I’ve given up. He can’t see it. I don’t know HOW he can’t see it. But he can’t see that his behaviour and the other person’s behaviour is the same!! He can’t be blamed for anything so he just denies he’s done whatever he’s done, or he thinks his motives are different so it’s Ok for him to do it but he cannot put himself in the other person’s shoes for even a minute (no empathy) so cannot fathom that maybe they also had reasons or motivations behind their behaviour.

I think the loneliness is the hardest part for me.
Dh works away, he is due home soon, and instead of looking forward to his return, I feel deflated and quite sad. I get butterflies in my tummy, but not in a good way. Knowing I will be enduring his presence until he leaves again makes me feel sad. Sad for myself and sad for the kids.
Over the years I see that his presence doesn't enrich our lives, quite the opposite really. I find it quite stressful when he is home now.
He is just here in the house, like an animated piece of furniture.
He will talk at length about what he has been doing while away at work. Has no interest in what me or the kids have been up to though.
It's sad that I feel lonelier when dh is home, knowing that this person i share my life with contributes nothing to the quality of my existence. Just slowly eroding away at my soul.

@Bunnyhair have you ever thought about emailing your DH about that? Would he be able to take it in better / differently?

@BustyLaRoux yep dh was like that with our two too.
Telling them off for things HE was doing.

It used to drive me bonkers.
Tried all sorts incl Im ashamed to say being PA, none of it worked.

Absolutely agree with this, reclaim a bit of 'life' for yourself, you do not exsist solely to support your DH and your DC. You need to look after yourself, even if it starts with tiny steps and what my therapist called 'pockets of time', a short walk or 5 minutes with a cup of tea somewhere away from the others @tverdle

That is sad, is there a way to take some time for yourself when he is at home? Go out or take yourself upstairs with a book and a cup of tea? It's so lonely being with someone who not only can't meet your needs but isn't even aware of it or willing to change (if that is even possible!) x

@BustyLaRoux Oh gosh yes, always telling DD off for things he does himself and never seeing that when he does it it is wrong! Sigh, I have long stopped even commenting on what H does 'wrong' as he will always get defensive and there is always a reason as to why he did something. Usually my fault somehow. In fact I have found it increasingly unattractive to live with someone who is unable to take accountability for his actions.

Worst of all H seems to think that DD behaving in an aggressive way towards me or being shouty/ throwing things (usually due to overwhelm or H antagonising her somehow) he seems to think that if she can behave like that due to her ND, then why can't I accept him doing the same.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore Sadly we don't really interact when he is home. He is far too busy rotting on the sofa, doomscrolling to notice anything as trivial as his wife or kids.
The kids and I went off for 4 days during the break, dh was supposed to come but we had a house crisis that needed him there. I know he was relieved to not go and I was honestly relieved too. We had a great time. When we got home dh said "Thank you for coming home" then went back to doomscrolling. No interest or desire to see if we had a good time, no questions on what we did or saw. Me accepting that this is ok is even sadder.

I'm glad you and the DC had a good time away. It's sad that he is so disconnected, hope you can find ways of meeting your needs through some other means x

Does anyone else ever struggle with this. I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. I think it’s the weight of my illness, having to co-parent with my abusive ex and I’ve been missing my dad. He died 6 years ago when I was 35. It’s all getting a bit much having to push through life with kids and going through the motions with a neutral face. I have no one to tell that would be of any use to me in terms of comfort or validation. It makes me realise just how emotionally different me and my partner are. He doesn’t seem to change with the seasons in that he follows a line of rigidity in his emotions. He can work through everything it seems with little movement. I think even looking down on people for being effected by things, like he is somehow out evolved and he is “better” without those pesky feelings getting in the way. I find that I berate myself for not being able to live the same way, I am affected by how I feel and I can’t stop it. I’m not really sure who to turn to for actual support not a comment of just let it go, or forget about it.

Hi everyone. A long one, whilst I have the space to type.
I'd be grateful for any thoughts...

Been married 24 years to undiagnosed ND H. He's 60, I'm nearly 69, for information. Both now retired. I had a traumatic childhood. Cue over people pleasing behaviours, hypervigilance - and basically a flight/freeze response pattern to stress. I have had counselling, it's helped me to think, despite not getting much advice.

When I met H he seemed 'stable' and ditto his family. Haha. In fact similar dynamics in inlaw family but more covert. I'm now happy to avoid.
There were a lot of red flags early on , re my H, that I ignored - and in effect reinforced.* *Small example- if was ignored or criticised by anyone, including H, he'd say that "you just don't like xyz" ( gaslighting ?)...and I'd protest and double down on my people pleasing. To try to win them over. Never worked. Now I don't care. Neither do they.

I've since worked out that both husbands were/are ND ( first abandoned me when our child died). Ps not looking for sympathy. Just highlighting how general lack of knowledge can cause significant issues. I was very confused. Significant undiagnosed ND in extended families I think. Interesting.

The Internet is amazing. MN is amazing. I lurk daily. But I don't post much, because H is around most of the time. He'd start asking what I'm typing. ( he's out atm). It's OK for him to scroll, but not me.

My present dilemma.. I'm disappearing down my own rabbit hole. Getting quieter and quieter. I don't know what to talk about any more, given the reaction and pointlessness of talking about anything emotional. or not agreed with. Conversations get shut down. There seems to be a silent "No" before most responses. As in 'No that's not true/correct/factual'. Even my recollections of events ! Unless an outsider agrees with it. I don't see myself as stupid. I think I have a right to my own opinions. My world used to be bigger than this.

• Pps I mentioned my above learned behaviours because I'm afraid that some of this is down to that. I've started shutting down to small criticisms. It's hard to stop.

I need to recalibrate. Do I a) argue my corner.( but any attempt at assertiveness is 'aggressiveness '), b) ignore any negativity/ride over it c) get out a lot more ( very rural, I do get out a bit. Too old to restart totally) or d) talk to a counsellor IRL if i can find someone with experienceof ASD? ( he won't go as well. Point blank refuses. Because we can 'talk' problems through apparently (The irony is not lost on me).
I don't know how to talk to him, in a way that gets through.

He's not horrible, he does 'try', I think, including trying to mask more in the house nowadays. He says he loves me.
I've said , to him, that don't want to end up like his PILs. She was horrible to late ND FIL. I was afraid H is trying to parentify me ( I'm more organised. I'm the social secretary ( so ironically my now avoiding his family means we don't see them much at all now). I had enough of that with my own parents.
Instead I've become a shadow. Disappearing up my own butt. Not a great alternative.

@KeeponReading Im afraid I’m not in a place to give any advice as I’m finding the whole thing difficult also. But just wanted to say hello. Your story is so very similar to mine. Neglectful childhood, one terrible marriage with a man with no empathy and now another with my partner and his family who I suspect almost definitely ASD, so little empathy or awareness. I to thought he just had to all together when we met but it turns out that’s because he has little feelings so not phased by anything and superior in his outlook.

It seems to me you can’t wedge much more space inside the marriage so you need to find space(s) outside the marriage to be yourself. You are not much older than I am and its a hard age to make new friends but what about volunteering or starting a hobby group—even if its “women over 60 who like rural walks?” Or “meetup for partners of ASD men in rural areas”

Just wanted to say hi @KeeponReading and that @pikkumyy77 has some good sdvice re getting space outside the marriage. If you are able to access aome gorm of counselling that might help with this. I had 6 sessions earlier this year and it really helped me to start making time for me again and gave ne 'permission' to have my own needs.

Hi @KeeponReading . Your description of your relationship is eerily similar to my marriage. Especially this: "Getting quieter and quieter. I don't know what to talk about any more, given the reaction and pointlessness of talking about anything emotional. or not agreed with. Conversations get shut down. There seems to be a silent "No" before most responses. As in 'No that's not true/correct/factual'. Even my recollections of events !"
I second the recommendations for therapy and outside friendship groups.

I am not much younger than you and I did leave my marriage. By then I had more or less stopped talking to him beyond "pass the salt" because of his shutting down habits which I had come to see as totally unacceptable. I do recommend the leaving option when/if you are ready! It's never too late to be free!

I should add that he did not even respond to "pass the salt" type requests quickly or particularly willingly!!

@Rainbow03 that is a lot to deal with and it sounds very lonely when you can't talk about it with anyone irl. We are most definitely allowed to have our emotions and not hide or suppress them.

Thanks. I’m the shove it all in a box and shut the lid until the smallest thing flips the lid and I look crazy reacting over some small and insignificant thing person. What matters is mostly lost by then and everyone thinks I’m mad. Both sides of my family are ASD and my daughter, it’s maddening.

I've done the same and it makes me ill both mentally and physically. The suppressing it all then I became overwhelmed and blow up/meltdown and want to just run away. Journalling helps me a bit, that and reading some cozy easy read or doing some gentle exercise/walk. Talking to someone irl isn't always that easy as people can't relate.

I find a lot of people are running from their own stuff and don’t want someone coming along and opening their box either, it’s very hard to find someone willing to talk.

Thank you for the responses.

I do volunteer one day a week already. Was going to look for more but 2 family members are very ill so I've offered my services for the foreseeable. Unfortunately if/when is all a bit vague.

It was nice just to be able to write that out.
I do need to actually look for more social groups. I can attend those or not, depending on what's going on in the background. I don't like leaving volunteering in the lurch.

I'm leaning towards looking for (another) counsellor. The 'trauma informed' counsellors have been a bit not-so in reality - it's a buzz word atm. It felt like yhey had little experience. So not holding out much hope for one who's 'ND informed '. But I will try. Thanks for the impetus.

Tbh I I were to come across an (autism activist?) , such as the person @MetooOP met leading a group I think I'd go bang.

Has anyone had any luck with ND informed counselling?

Someone, possibly @BustyLaRoux asked what (D?)H is doing to work on himself. Well, although I think he would really benefit from some individual therapy, he has so far found himself unable to go down that route. He still wants to go to Relate for joint counselling. I don't think he can truly comprehend the link between how his behaviours were triggering my past trauma from DV and that this was the reason for me wanting to separate. Maybe it's some self preservation thing where it would be too upsetting for him to accept and acknowledge this so he is focusing on me having space and respite instead (which is helpful in it's own way).

It does however turn out that he is doing some things which he hopes are helping him. He has been listening to podcasts about ADHD, buying and reading books on how to improve mental and physical health (written by Dr Alex George who is ADHD), doing more walks/yoga/exercises, monitoring his sleep and habits, helped me with my new room including buying me some gorgeous curtains and putting them up, started to actually clear things out (he is a bit if a hoarder so this is huge), suggested we have a book we wrote in to communicate in a nice way (!) As well as encouraging me to go out more and looking after myself. The thing for me is how has it taken so long to do this when I've been unhappy for years and will it really 'change' things? He still looks really grumpy a lot, although it seems less often, slams things in frustration and is unable to communicate in a way which doesn't antagonise DD at times, but it's as if he is unable to see or is aware of his own behaviour.