@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore The thing with DH is complicated. We've talked on this thread before about how ND children often aren't parented well, especially if their ND isn't recognised. And in his case, I believe his mother's ADHD is off the charts bad but, of course, was also never recognised.
I mention this becuase of a couple of things.
- he was never taught emotional regulation in any form. Shortly after we moved in together, his mother was visiting us. He was having a complete meltdown/temper tantrum and being completely ridiculous about something. He was 100% in the wrong and I was refusing to agree that I was the problem. His mother said to me, "Vuur, just leave it - if you keep on he's just going to get more angry. It's better just to agree." Needless to say, it turns out these ilttle temper tantrums of his were treated this way since he was a child - he was indulged and given in to, because it was easier for his parents.
- A lot of things happened in his house growing up that I would consider borderline abuse or perhaps neglect. Not violence or emotional abuse. Things like OTT reactions from his parents when he behaved in certain ways. His mother having her own meltdowns that were, from all accounts, terrifying and scary for the children. He had excellent relationships with his grandparents, which was great, except that part of the reason for this relationship was because his parents were often emotionally, physically or practically absent and abdicated responsibility for him and his siblings to them. His father worked all hours, then had a nervous breakdown and clearly their marriage was, at best, indifferent but at worst toxic. Even when they finally divorced, that impacted DH in particular because of the way it was handled. Iroincally, DH is ALSO the golden child which is not, in fact, a good thing for him (any more than his sister being the scapegoat is helpful for her). There's also been huge issues with his brother which has created complicated emotions and responses in all of them.
I mention all of this becuase yes, the therapy really helped him. But there's no doubt that these meltdowns of his, and inability to self-regulate may well be exacerbated by what I believe is his ADHD, but there ewas a great deal that came as a result of his experiences. And of course, that's the part that therapy really focuses on.
The other thing about DH which I think is ineresting is that he's a very creative and empathetic person who is also very intelligent. He had a great deal of career success when younger which helped his confidence but also, I think, gave him the tools and the environment in which to grow and learn outside of his family - he was far from home, travelling a lot, meeting a huge variety of people and having a wide variety of experiences which, with his creativity, and empathy and intelligence allowed him to really grow as a person. Also, as it was in the arts, I think there's a lot of acceptance for people who are a little bit "different" which was helpful for him.
Together, this all means that he has a surprising ability to come at a problem, decide on a new solution, and act on it. Better than me in fact.
Sorry, that was insanely long. But I wanted to be honest and helpful, withou tnecessarily giving you false hope. I think that my DH has a fairly unusual combination of factors that have turned him into who he is today. Incidentally I am sort of friendly with an ex girlfriend of his from when he was at uni and shortly after. She is always discreet and lovely, and her and DH get on well now too, but reading between the lines, it is very clear to me that his behaviour towards her was 100% unacceptable and that if he'd stayed in that relationship, he would have turned into an emotionally abusive and controlling man, possibly even physically violent. A combination of the experiences he had as he got older, as well as how our relationship developed, which led to his willingness to engage with therapy and other things to help himself have made all the difference.