Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Thanks. Its not even unusual either. Anything and everything turns into a stupid, pointless conflict.

I'm starting to think if I can get through this redundancy round if I should leave. I can't cope with him anymore. I just want a chance to be free from him and to start to heal. He's utterly insane and insanity inducing. I went to an event at the weekend where they played, ' I wish I knew how it felt to be free' and I had to fight really hard not to start crying.

Just reading that made me boil @MetooOP

it sounds like he needs locking in his own room with a grate for food to be pushed through it and all the mess he wants in there.

@Daftasabroom i don't think the nhs has a service which you can access 24/7 for ad hoc counselling so I thought there may be something we could pay for. We were referred straight to mental health services when he had his first problem and that service referred him for an autism assessment which we are in the process of doing. I intend to ask our GP if there is anything they can give us to help him but it's not easy to get a quick appointment.

He really does!

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress so do you think he may be bipolar and not autistic? He was assessed by the MH team and then discharged with no diagnosis but referred for an autism assessment.

@MetooOP I'm sorry you are going through this. He sounds a bit like my DH although he hasn't had a meltdown for a while now.

@Rainbow03 was that to me. If so DS has already had an assessment by a psychiatrist for bipolar and it was determined that he wasn't but could be autistic so that is the path we are on at the moment.

Sorry I think I may have confused people by saying BPD which I thought was an acronym for Bipolar, sorry I'm new to this. Borderline personality disorder has never been mentioned.

@Seriestwo
i totally get the loneliness of realising that a bloke at work knows more about you than your husband. Same here, although in my case it’s a bloke at the local leisure centre, where I’ve been going for a morning swim for nearly 4 months. He’s not physically attractive (and the same age as me at nearly 70!), but he’s pleasant, chatty, interested and encouraging. Everything that H isn’t.
Every time he asks me how many lengths I’ve done, and reminds me of how well I’ve done, I feel so sad that I get this from a random acquaintance, whereas H ticks a box by asking me how many lengths I’ve done, but that’s it, end of conversation.
💐 for us all

This sort of disordered thinking is where I think the weird crossover between ND and narcissism comes in. Because at their core, narcissists have disordered thinking - they literally do not see the world the same way as everyone else and that leads to endless frustration and upset.

It sounds to me like he' sbeen avoiding this issue for years because he doesn't want to give up that space to store his stuff. Even though he's not doing anything. Of course, he hasn't communicated that to you, or if he has, he hasnt listned to you communicating that nonetheless, the DC need their own rooms. So to his mind, this is about YOU pushing him out of his space.

I don't blame you for feeling you can't continue like this. ND can be mitigated and it can be accomodated, but when it starts to cross over into massively impacting your mental health or even abusive behaviours (and I would all kicking and hitting walls abusive, violent behaviours), then it's okay to say that isn't something you're willing to continue with.

BPD in this context means Borderline Personality Disorder sorry, which tends to be made as a diagnosis in very late teens/early 20's often. I cannot possibly say whether your son has it myself. But I have come across this mis-diagnosis of BPD for autism several times in people and honestly the quality of the assessments is variable at times so it's worth considering as a possibility, though it may not ring any bells at all if you do take a look!

@Vuurhoutjies This sort of disordered thinking is where I think the weird crossover between ND and narcissism comes in. Because at their core, narcissists have disordered thinking - they literally do not see the world the same way as everyone else and that leads to endless frustration and upset. It sounds to me like he' sbeen avoiding this issue for years because he doesn't want to give up that space to store his stuff. Even though he's not doing anything. Of course, he hasn't communicated that to you, or if he has, he hasnt listned to you communicating that nonetheless, the DC need their own rooms. So to his mind, this is about YOU pushing him out of his space

Yes he does have disordered thinking as he literally cannot see the world as other people do, as other people understand that there are other people in the world who have their own thoughts, feelings and experiences, and they understand that getting on with other people means an interplay between yours and their thoughts, feelings and experiences. But he doesn't understand that as he can only see his own feelings and experiences.

Yes that is exactly what it is with the room. He sees it just like that. When I have tried to raise sorting the room into a bedroom he has just got angry and said ' But I need a study, I need a study'. And I reply that we don't have a big enough house for that, and the kids need a bedroom. But he just kept angrily shouting that he needs a study, so I always just stopped talking. The lack of study actually affects me most, as I work at home and I hate mixing home life with work life so I am pretty upset that I am going to have to job work in a space I use for 'home' things too once the study is gone. But I'm an adult who can understand that I have to suck that up as needs must, even if it makes me sad and effects me negatively. He can't. He can't see its negatively impacting me either, as I am not him and therefore not visible to him.

He absolutely sees this as me pushing his stuff out of his space. He can't see the reason for it, as that reason benefits someone who is not him ( his sons) and so that as a factor is not visible or present to him. All that is present to him is him being negatively impacted and me (not circumstance) causing that, so I am awful and trying to cause to harm to him and his needs.

Found you all!

I’m sorry @MetooOP He sounds like the teenager who has zero empathy, thinks everyone is against them, has no concept of other people having needs or the need for everyone to compromise sometimes. It’s just all “what about me???” All the fucking time. The language used as well is very telling. It’s victim language. You clearing a space for your DC to have their own room is viewed as HIM being shat on! It is so unreasonable. I would be tempted to tell him you don’t give a shit. You can either work together on a solution to house the books, or you will get rid of them. That’s easier said than done I know. All those people telling me stop lending DP my car. It’s the obvious solution but will lead to almighty arguments. And like you I try to avoid those if I can.

I am a bit worried about your safety though. The punching the walls ans making weird noises is very aggressive. Are you scared? Are you OK?

I do know what you mean, but for me I find the question “why is this happening?” to be so important. It’s perhaps why I went on to study psychology. Because understanding human behaviour is something that I seek to know about. It doesn’t change the feelings of frustration or sadness that I have when he is awful to me. But I still need to try and understand. Perhaps that is a distraction technique for me. If I focus on the why then maybe I don’t need to dwell too hard on my own sad feelings. Or perhaps it is just an innate need in me to understand human behaviour. Or a bit of both.

I may be wrong but I find it to be a survival behaviour, or a perhaps a skill we all have but we have developed ours out of need so it’s now like a super power. I am like this also and think it’s stemmed from my childhood. I don’t think people in healthy relationships think twice about the meaning behind behaviour. I think many counsellors and therapist etc are past survivors.

I agree . Why is such an important question ; I studied philosophy. ;)
But it doesn't always lead to answers, understanding , guidance, acceptance. Sometimes it leads us in circles, frustration, indecision.

There are times when too much questioning stops us from moving forward, making decisions and acting positively for ourselves , while a whole lifetime can slip away. This is the danger of overthinking.... I think....

I do agree it’s important, but because I don’t like it and it’s doesn’t make me feel good is enough of a why really at the end of the day. I think it’s different when you study others and have an emotional distance but it does become a black hole when it’s personal. I don’t take my own advice though most of the time! Why can we often offer advice but never take our own arghhh!

I think relentlessly about the why of social relationships. Its my metier as well as my pleasure. And it is definitely a form of work that abused children take on/—a survival dkill. But when it substitutes for evasive action (like running away) or when it becomes a form of half brain dissociation (your brain whirrs on taking the click apart while you are unable to feel the pain) it can be a dangerous distraction.

Understanding and predicting difficult behavior/domestic conflict is a kind of “undoing” and a false control. The safest place to be is sometimes far away all the predicting and understanding is just, in the end, spinning your wheels.

@LivLuna your DS should be able to access counselling through the student support services offered by the university. Usually there’s a self-referral form. However these are general counsellors rather than specialists - if it’s affordable an ASD specialist would be great to see. Hope you get speedy access to an ASD assessment.

I second getting permission from your DS to be looped into uni communications. Does his course or personal tutor know he’s having MH issues? It can be helpful to let them know (it’s very common and many others in his class would have the same). Are there accommodations that would help him to keep attending? Do let the uni know. There should be a disability support service that you can talk to already.

Thank you. Yes, he is focussed on himself ALL the time. His position in any conversation is centred around him. If I am trying to help him to interact better with the kids, he will respond about himself (usually how having this conversation is making feel which will invariably be that I am trying to stop him from talking to his children, attacking him etc), if I am trying to tell him about how I am feeling in the relationship, he will respond with how he is feeling. He can never keep the focus on me, even for one sentence. He never, ever asks questions back such as asking me to say more about what I am feeling, or asking me more about what I am saying. Never.

He simply cannot ever, ever keep his focus on anyone else. He has no idea he is can't do this. Absolutely none. He is the only person he can see. Whereas you or I can see other people have thoughts and feelings, he genuinely can't see that. I don't think he has any real understanding that other people even have thoughts and feelings.

I don't feel physically unsafe with him though, though I am aware my limbic system feels unsafe. Everything inside me is on edge and shaking for hours after these incidents. He won't ever hit me. I am not psychologically safe with him though.

On trying to understand other's behaviour, I do that too. I have spent endless hours over the years trying to understand H. I think I do have a pretty good understanding. it helps me pity him sometimes, I guess. If I left it might help me feel more kindly to him. But right now I am too angry with him for all the destruction he causes and all the unfairness to feel kindly to him,

@BustyLaRoux ps I won't throw the books away, I can't even begin to imagine the reaction if I did. I am slowly moving them into the garage one by one, though.

@FreshLaundry thank you for your reply. I have the first autism appointment booked for tomorrow. The uni are aware and are supportive. He has been offered a monthly update meeting with a counsellor which was due to happen on Friday. I also already have the permissions from him in place with the uni.

However things have escalated, he had an appointment with his counsellor this evening and she has recommended A & E so that's where we are now. I'm not sure that our situation is appropriate for this board now so thank you for your input.

@LivLuna really sorry to hear he’s still struggling. Hopefully you can get the support needed 💐

Take care@LivLuna . At least he is getting the attention and help he needs.