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Original poster

Can a big age gap ever work?

120 replies

Goldenappletrees · 07/10/2024 23:03

Name changed for this one
I've started dating a man who is 57 I am 40
He is a grandad and family man with 5 children whom he is very close to , a good well known respected man that I've known for sometime now.
On good terms with ex wife so all very positive.

Anyway so far weve had 7 dates, coffees , walks and meals out.
I have never clicked with anyone so much. I am so attracted to him, he is very good looking man.
The conversation just flows, we laugh alot and there Is clearly strong chemistry.
If i am being honest I am developing feelings for him.
Tonight he has called me and said he is starting to develop strong feelings for me , however he is really worried about the age gap. I've told him it doesn't bother me as I like that he is mature and respects me and explained how I feel about him.
He has never once tried to take things further than a kiss, is a true gent and honestly I've never been treated so well.
He is concerned that when hes in his 70s I'll not even be 50 , he feels that would be very selfish of him. He does not want me to be left looking after and old man when in my prime he puts it.
He says this is the only thing stopping it going any further .
I want to carry on seeing him and see where it goes. I've spoken to two friends who both say it wont work.
Hes spoken to one of his children about it and they have said they are worried one of us will get hurt.
I really would like any opinions on this.
I wont be offended at all so please be honest.

just adding that I got to know him b4 dating as he had being doing work at my new house. I knew of him as a person as we live in a small community.

OP posts:

Balaclava1000 · 07/10/2024 23:08

It's risky and I wouldn't recommend it. Would you live together? Have you ever wanted kids? If you kept separate homes it might work but I wouldn't move in or become a carer. But generally it's really hard to have a big age gap, so it's up to you if you want to take the chance of ill health etc becoming an issue earlier than you'd hope.

Balaclava1000 · 07/10/2024 23:09

Sorry if that was bit harsh. Could you just be friends with benefits but keep your options open?

Nightmanagerfan · 07/10/2024 23:11

Do you have or do you want children? You will limit your life somewhat. My husband is four years younger than me so my first thought was that you could find someone your age or younger and have 30-40 years together (finding them is of course not easy, I don't want to sound trite).

dotdotdotdash · 07/10/2024 23:17

You said when he is in his 70s, you won’t even be in your 50s, but with a 17 year gap you’ll be 53 when he is 70. Sorry to be pedantic. I have a 14 year gap with my partner and it works for us. Decide where you draw the line and if it’s too much, break it off before you fall in love! Good luck

wwjalme · 07/10/2024 23:19

It would be too big an age gap for me OP. I'm 48 and that would mean it's the equivalent of me being with a 65 year old. That will be you in 8 years time.
I really wouldn't want to have to work for another 17 years while my partner is retired. I wouldn't want to potentially have to be caring for him while I'm still having to work (if that sounds selfish of me, so be it). By the time I was retired he would be 82. How many years of retirement would I be able to spend with my partner and him still be fit enough to do things? Not many.

Of course you could say that if you are with someone your own age they could become ill at any stage and perhaps not even make it to retirement due to illness or accident. That's true. Anything can happen at any time. But you would be going into this knowing that the most likely scenario is that he becomes old and frail and requires some degree of care from you while you are still having to work for another 17 years!!

I suppose it is up to you but I think his age will mean there are limitations on your life when you should still be out there living it to the full. I think he is a decent man though because that's what he is saying to you.

What do you want out of life? Do you have children? Do you want them? What other dreams and hopes do you have for your life and how would he fit into that?

Waiting9 · 07/10/2024 23:20

I mean there’s no harm in dating, you don’t need to make a commitment to get married at this stage. Don’t understand why it requires such a discussion with children giving their opinions

TwistedWonder · 07/10/2024 23:22

Although he seems attractive and mature now in 20 years he’ll be 77 and you’ll only be 60 and the age gap will be huge.

Im your partners age and I couldn’t begin to imagine dating a man in his 70’s. To use the MN expression why would you want to recs nurse with a purse?

Its maybe different if you’ve had a long marriage kids etc but just be very aware he’s approaching the age where the gap will start to notice.

Hes being very realistic - listen to him

username3678 · 07/10/2024 23:25

It's very intense for seven dates OP. Discussion with his children, concern about being in his 70s, people asking you about children - you barely know him.

Why don't you see how it goes. There are no guarantees in life or relationships. You could meet someone your own age and split up in six months or you might have a lovely time with this man for a couple of years.

PinotPony · 07/10/2024 23:27

DP is 18 years younger than me and it works. I’m 50, he’s 32.

We’ve talked about the future. About how he doesn’t want children. About how I’ll be an old lady and he’ll have to push me around in my wheelchair!

But you know what? Life is short and you should do what makes you happy now. Either party could get hit by a bus tomorrow or suffer from a terminal illness. Nothing is guaranteed regardless of age. Worrying about what the future holds is no reason to run away from love today.

AdviceNeeded2024 · 07/10/2024 23:28

That would be far too much of an age gap for me. You’ve literally only just come out your 30’s and he’s nearing 60. Will probably be ok for a while but what about when he’s retired and you’re not, or when you are 57, still have 10 years left to work and he’s halfway to 80. I couldn’t do it personally but only you’ll know if it’s right or not.

It’s nice to hear him being realistic though and not just relentlessly pursuing younger girls as part of a midlife+ crisis with no thought to how it affects them! He’s obviously thoughtful.

Pureau · 07/10/2024 23:29

I'd say no, from my own experience.

Treesnbirds · 07/10/2024 23:33

I don't know. I kind of feel like I'd give it a go. Sounds like you have a great connection and two of my friends have died in their early 40's this year, so you never know what's going to happen.

-Can you just enjoy it in a non committed way for a while and see how it goes??(probably against the grain here...)

Bobbi730 · 07/10/2024 23:36

My mum was 13 years younger than my dad and she seemed to age faster as a result. He died at 80 and she'd only just retired. She didn't want to have another relationship and has been alone ever since. She's now in her 80's
It put me off big gap relationships tbh.

ToriMJ · 07/10/2024 23:36

I wouldn't. It's all fun and games now but when you're caring for an old man when you should be living your prime years it will be shit.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/10/2024 23:40

I’d say go for it.

TheMerryWindow · 07/10/2024 23:42

Life is short and you should do what makes you happy now. Either party could get hit by a bus tomorrow or suffer from a terminal illness. Nothing is guaranteed regardless of age. Worrying about what the future holds is no reason to run away from love today.

This, absolutely! Personally, I love a much older man😉

Lincoln24 · 07/10/2024 23:50

It can work, but you have to be realistic that it might come to an end when he approaches very old age, and (if it does last the distance) the chances are you will be widowed at a relatively early age.

I still think there's a rationale for giving it a go. Love is pretty hard to find, if you think he can make you happy in the "now" then it could be worth it. None of us know what's round the corner anyway. In my family there was a couple with a 20-year age gap, the younger partner died of cancer 15 years ago, the older is still going strong. Maybe that colours my thinking.

Notamum12345577 · 07/10/2024 23:53

Goldenappletrees · 07/10/2024 23:03

just adding that I got to know him b4 dating as he had being doing work at my new house. I knew of him as a person as we live in a small community.

If he is 57 and you are 40, but the time he is in his 70s you will be approaching mid 50s?

maximist · 07/10/2024 23:55

A couple I know vaguely have been married for 20 years, he's 79 and she's in her early 50s, they have an 18 year old daughter. He has several ex-wives, children and grandchildren, but they seem happy, so it can work out. Not sure it'd be for me though.

CheekyHobson · 08/10/2024 00:10

I’ve seen a lot of age gap relationships fall over, mine included (12.5 years).

Often things can seem fine for the first few years while you are effectively in the same life stage, but once one of you moves into a different life stage or aging starts to “hit”, the problems arise, like when this guy retires and you’ve still got another 15+ years in the working world.

My ex seemed “young at heart” so initially I didn’t think the gap was a problem but it took a few years for me to realise that he was actually a Peter Pan with unrealistic ideas about his capacity. He simply doesn’t have the energy to parent like I do, he turned out to be expecting me to keep all the bills paid while he retired, and he’s constantly going on about his latest medical problem.

I’d proceed with extreme caution at the very least. You’d need to have a lot of open conversations about the gap so you don’t end up with differing assumptions.

MidnightMeltdown · 08/10/2024 00:36

He's right - but it's not only risky for you, it's also risky for him.

You're all starry eyed now, but often, when a woman has a relationship with a much older man, there comes a point when he can no longer match her energy, and she longs for a partner her own age. The older man then gets left alone.

He sounds like a nice man, and he has a chance to find someone his own age, who he can grow old and share his retirement with. You should do the same, and find somebody who you could potentially spend the next 40 years with. You are not likely to have many good years with him.

jsku · 08/10/2024 00:43

OP - I am 50, so you in 10 years….
And there is no way i will consider a man of 67 as a potential partner. At 57 - he may be is have energy to match yours, but that will not last. Time catches up.
Most of my friends in our 50s date men of similar age or younger.

17 years age gap is not something we’d choose

So - you are being naive, thinking it doesn't matter. It does.

JustDiedInYourArmsTonight · 08/10/2024 01:11

I am in an age gap relationship, and have been for over twenty years.
The difference is eighteen years, but it's him that is younger.
There are many things to consider with these kind of gaps, and I can see where your man is coming from, as I was (at the start) having worries about me becoming a burden as I aged.
However poor health can occur at any age, and as it happens, my man got very sick five years ago, nearly died more than once, and has had seven ops.
He's in daily pain, and we're obviously praying for a better future for him and "us" really, coz seeing the person you're in love with suffer so much, is so hard.
The point I'm trying to make is, it doesn't always mean that the younger partner will be a carer...
I am I think for my age, pretty capable and on it, I've actually become stronger in the last five years, and having greater responsibility has taught me all kinds of new skills.
If you feel that your man is fit strong and healthy for his age, it can make all the difference.
You could say goodbye to the chance of a brilliant relationship, and choose a guy who's age is similar to yours, but at what price?
A fantastic relationship shouldn't be governed solely by the ages, but by many different qualities.
Hope whatever choice you make, you make as a result of what's best for YOU, and not what pleases your friends or relatives.

BreadInCaptivity · 08/10/2024 01:13

Relative age is a funny thing.

There are periods in our lives when is really matters and those where it doesn't.

A 16 year old girl with a man of 33?

It's fair to say that's a no go.

Yet towards middle age the "gap" becomes less important for a period of time.

It may be great now but fast forward. Do you want to be the partner/care provider at 60 for a 76 year old?

You need to be realistic about age decline and life stage differences.

How do you envision a life where he retires 10-17 years before you? Retirement is a massive transition and you potentially face nearly two decades of not being on the same page.

With a healthy lifestyle (and helpful genetics) you can be very active into your 70's and beyond.

But you still slow down.

Worst case you may find yourself a full time carer for your "retirement".

So what do you want from this relationship?

Are you looking to marry/have children? Then I'd advise against.

If you want a more casual relationship where you keep separate finances and living arrangements (and it's clear you are not going to be a care giver in the future) then I'd say enjoy it whilst it lasts.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 08/10/2024 01:26

I'm glad I'm not the only one to notice that he's shit at maths!

Age gaps feel bigger as you get old IMO.

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