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Original poster

Can a big age gap ever work?

120 replies

Goldenappletrees · 07/10/2024 23:03

Name changed for this one
I've started dating a man who is 57 I am 40
He is a grandad and family man with 5 children whom he is very close to , a good well known respected man that I've known for sometime now.
On good terms with ex wife so all very positive.

Anyway so far weve had 7 dates, coffees , walks and meals out.
I have never clicked with anyone so much. I am so attracted to him, he is very good looking man.
The conversation just flows, we laugh alot and there Is clearly strong chemistry.
If i am being honest I am developing feelings for him.
Tonight he has called me and said he is starting to develop strong feelings for me , however he is really worried about the age gap. I've told him it doesn't bother me as I like that he is mature and respects me and explained how I feel about him.
He has never once tried to take things further than a kiss, is a true gent and honestly I've never been treated so well.
He is concerned that when hes in his 70s I'll not even be 50 , he feels that would be very selfish of him. He does not want me to be left looking after and old man when in my prime he puts it.
He says this is the only thing stopping it going any further .
I want to carry on seeing him and see where it goes. I've spoken to two friends who both say it wont work.
Hes spoken to one of his children about it and they have said they are worried one of us will get hurt.
I really would like any opinions on this.
I wont be offended at all so please be honest.

  • just adding that I got to know him b4 dating as he had being doing work at my new house. I knew of him as a person as we live in a small community.
OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 08/10/2024 01:31

I'd go for it op

I really would

Yes, it might not work... But it might?!

coxesorangepippin · 08/10/2024 01:32

Do you have kids, op??

Christwosheds · 08/10/2024 01:35

I know a few age gap relationships, I am eight years older than my DH. My good friend is 23 years younger than her husband, he was in his fifties when they got together and they are very happy , he is in his eighties now. I have another friend with a 15 year gap but she is the elder. I don’t think it matters.

MysteriousUsername · 08/10/2024 01:47

I'm 48, and my DP is 63. We've been together 4.5 years. He's much fitter and active than me, and also great fun. My ex was 10 years older than me and reached grumpy old man stage at around 40. My god was he grumpy (and an alcoholic)

I don't live with my DP, I'm not sure if I'd want to eventually. I do worry sometimes about the age gap, but he makes me very happy, and I'd rather be with him than not.

Theyoungerwife · 08/10/2024 02:03

It can work, as I can testify, it’s been a great twenty two years married BUT I am now 61, he’s 77, and for the past twelve years is suffering with cancer.

i can say I wouldn’t change it but it would have been so much better if he’d been well. I’m not quite the carer, but it’s probably not long coming.

AmeliaEarache · 08/10/2024 03:14

Having seen what happened to the three women I know with significant age gap relationships by their late 50s, it’s a firm No from me.

Savemydrink · 08/10/2024 05:03

Nope, I did it and was widowed at age 42 and left with two young children.
Current DP is 3 yrs younger than me. Don't do it OP

JohnCravensNewsround · 08/10/2024 05:33

As someone who is late 50s now, don't do it.
I have friends between my age and 65 with older partners. Its a real issue. One has just retired at 65 and her dh is a little old man of 81. She is ready to make the most of the next 10 years, he wants to watch TV.

FruitFlyPie · 08/10/2024 05:36

It works for plenty of people. However I'm in an relationship with a 12 year gap. It didn't seem a big deal while he was in his 40s. Now he's in his 50s, he looks and acts like an old man, whereas I still have a lot of life left in me. We don't connect emotionally and we aren't at the same life stage.

He seems so old, when I'm with him and our kids, it feels like he is all of our dad, rather than their dad and my husband. And that's just 12 years.

dizzydizzydizzy · 08/10/2024 09:34

I think it can work. Me and exDP had a similar age gap. He is now my ex due to domestic abuse, so nothing to do with the age gap. We got on because we had similar interests, political views and values. Obviously the abuse put the kibosh on everything.

middleagedandinarage · 08/10/2024 09:41

No, it won't work! Coming from someone in a 10 year age gap relationship, walk away now! Everyone is telling you the same, please listen!

FelixtheAardvark · 08/10/2024 10:21

Yes. There was 25 years difference between my grandparents. Perfectly happy so far as I (and the rest of the family) could tell. Never an issue.

Original poster
Goldenappletrees · 08/10/2024 11:50

dotdotdotdash · 07/10/2024 23:17

You said when he is in his 70s, you won’t even be in your 50s, but with a 17 year gap you’ll be 53 when he is 70. Sorry to be pedantic. I have a 14 year gap with my partner and it works for us. Decide where you draw the line and if it’s too much, break it off before you fall in love! Good luck

Yes your right he actually said you will barely be in your 50s , I re told it wrong:)

OP posts:
FunLurker · 08/10/2024 11:57

My DH is 17 years older than me, been together 15 years. Both have kids from previous relationships, he's closer to mine than I am to his but he lives with us. His grandkids call me nanny. The only thing we struggle with is our music taste. He works and I run my own business and have staff so don't work loads of hours. We're both financially secure. When we started dating I never thought it would be serious and neither did he but it works. Good luck

Original poster
Goldenappletrees · 08/10/2024 12:02

Thanks for all of your advice. I do have my own children yes. I started young. My eldest is 20 and another teen so my children are not young. They have a fantastic relationship with thier dad so I'm not looking for a father for them.
Its difficult one as I know of men my age or younger who do not look after thier bodies , drink in excess, immature , egotistical, sexist and they all seem to be players. Maybe it's just me being unlucky in the dating scene , however this man has been a breath of fresh air after these idiots to be honest. I value the advice given here though and I've realised I would probably be being selfish too as he will be at a stage of his life where he is looking to settle down with someone to retire with. It's a shame however I'm not sure I will take it further.
I don't feel him discussing it with his son and me with my friends as being intense too soon at all, we live in a small community and if we were going to give it a proper go dating it would come out very quickly so best to talk to people in our lived about it.

OP posts:
poppetandmog · 08/10/2024 12:20

My husband is 9 years older than me and even now (he's 46) I feel the age gap is really starting to show. It didn't so much when we were younger. I feel like your age gap would definitely be too big for me.

Sodthebloodymealplan · 08/10/2024 12:37

No one can predict the future. I have one friend whose husband is over 20 years older. He is in his 70s, she in her 40s. He is incredibly fit, active and they are great together. She has cancer and may not make it to her 70s.

I have another friend whose husband is also much older. She is essentially his carer, while also trying to work full time in her late 50s, as he now has a terminal cancer. She loves him, but knows their time together is coming towards the end.

No one can predict the future, so live for today. If you love each other enough, you will make it work.

MidnightMeltdown · 08/10/2024 12:50

middleagedandinarage · 08/10/2024 09:41

No, it won't work! Coming from someone in a 10 year age gap relationship, walk away now! Everyone is telling you the same, please listen!

Yes, I once dated someone 15 years older. I thought it was great initially, but looking back, it was a mistake. We just weren't compatible, and I ended up acting older than my age. We were from completely different generations, and it does matter. Now that he's in his 50s, he's really starting to show his age, and I'm relieved that I'm not still with him.

Current DP is 2 years younger than me and it makes so much difference. We are on the same level, want to do the same things, and will age together, at the same time. Personally, I now wouldn't want to date someone who is more than 5 years older or younger than me.

muddyford · 08/10/2024 14:24

DH is 21 years older and we have been together thirty years. After a catastrophic accident I became his carer, but that could have happened at any age. It's life-limiting so trying to make the best of it. I would rather be doing this in my early 60s than in my 80s with a partner of my sort of age. If it works for the two of you, good luck.

grannypants22 · 08/10/2024 14:27

A few years ago I would have spouted all the 'age is just a number' stuff. Now I'm a decade into my 15 year age gap relationship I can see it's not just a number, issues can arise from age gaps but actually even with this knowledge I still don't regret it because I love my dh and he's absolutely the best husband and father I could have wished for.

I would say go for it if it feels right. But don't be naive and think there won't be any issues or incompatibilities (that can be said for all relationships of course).

Pat888 · 08/10/2024 14:29

What is his DF and DM like if alive. Vibrant energetic, living life to the full? Or poorly curmudgeons.
If you don’t want children you could continue as friends and see how it goes.

worriedgal · 08/10/2024 14:31

We have a 14 year age gap and it's never been a problem for us- 25 years now .
Dh is 67 now and much fitter than I am .
No one knows what the future holds and if you're both happy- go for it !

Parry5timesbeforedeath · 08/10/2024 14:36

Well, I have two examples in. y circle, both friends. One there was a 32 year age gap. It lasted around ten years and then fell apart as she wanted children and he had great grandchildren already. The other the gap is 21 years and they have been together 22 years and still going strong. Very happy marriage. But i was out with this friend at the weekend and she said openly that dealing with elderly parents, and elderly husband and two mid-teen boys is emotionally difficult for her now especially as her husband and parents both have health needs. She,s not going anywhere and adores her husband but is very clear and accepting that there will be hard times ahead.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 08/10/2024 14:38

I think a 17 yr age gap doesnt feel so big when both parties are over 30 and under 65 (e.g. 30+47, or 45+62)

But most of those years are already behind you. In 15 years you'll be 55 - still full of life, while he'll be 72. Think what the 72 year olds you know are like - do you want to be dating one when you are mid 50s? In 20 years you'll be 60, probably still fairly active, maybe considering retirement, wanting to travel and enjoy life. How much travel will he be wanting to do at 77?

You would be increasing the likelihood of spending your early retirement (while you are still able to be fit and active) looking after a much older partner who is statistically likely to have multiple health needs by then. I know that anyone can become ill/disabled at any time, but statistically it is far, far more likely when you're in your 70s than when you're in your 50s. Getting old is inevitable, no matter how good looking he is now.

GeminiGiggles · 08/10/2024 15:04

I won't specify our age gap but put in a joking way you're amateurs at it by our standard 🤣

We also have hit above the age range people are saying it really shows (65+) but we are still very much a match even 11yrs on. Yes I do more for him than I did 11yrs ago but nothing significant as yet and I am and will be willing to do it as have never known love like it.

Also children aren't an issue for us as he's had his and I'm not able to but have made my peace with that.

Age gap relationships are a very very personal thing. The only people who know if its works is the two people in the relationship. Everyone else is just guessing or has opinions based on their own experiences good, bad or otherwise.