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Original poster

Can a big age gap ever work?

120 replies

Goldenappletrees · 07/10/2024 23:03

Name changed for this one
I've started dating a man who is 57 I am 40
He is a grandad and family man with 5 children whom he is very close to , a good well known respected man that I've known for sometime now.
On good terms with ex wife so all very positive.

Anyway so far weve had 7 dates, coffees , walks and meals out.
I have never clicked with anyone so much. I am so attracted to him, he is very good looking man.
The conversation just flows, we laugh alot and there Is clearly strong chemistry.
If i am being honest I am developing feelings for him.
Tonight he has called me and said he is starting to develop strong feelings for me , however he is really worried about the age gap. I've told him it doesn't bother me as I like that he is mature and respects me and explained how I feel about him.
He has never once tried to take things further than a kiss, is a true gent and honestly I've never been treated so well.
He is concerned that when hes in his 70s I'll not even be 50 , he feels that would be very selfish of him. He does not want me to be left looking after and old man when in my prime he puts it.
He says this is the only thing stopping it going any further .
I want to carry on seeing him and see where it goes. I've spoken to two friends who both say it wont work.
Hes spoken to one of his children about it and they have said they are worried one of us will get hurt.
I really would like any opinions on this.
I wont be offended at all so please be honest.

  • just adding that I got to know him b4 dating as he had being doing work at my new house. I knew of him as a person as we live in a small community.
OP posts:
Caramellie3 · 08/10/2024 16:18

It’s only been 7 dates if it’s going well just enjoy it. It might last for a few months it might last for years. There is no guarantee with anything. If attraction and connection are there I would just enjoy it and see…

Autumnblackberries · 08/10/2024 16:28

Way too large an age gap.
Another one who is 48 and the thought of being with a 65 year old man, just ewwww
I'd end this now. A high risk of you ending up as a carer in the future, for someone with whom you have no shared history or investment.

PassingStranger · 08/10/2024 16:29

ToriMJ · 07/10/2024 23:36

I wouldn't. It's all fun and games now but when you're caring for an old man when you should be living your prime years it will be shit.

Whose to say it will go that way. So.much ignorant around.
There's no guarantee if you find someone of the same age it will work.out.
People with same age relationships split up all the time.
Op go for it, live in the present, don't overthink and enjoy today.

PassingStranger · 08/10/2024 16:31

Autumnblackberries · 08/10/2024 16:28

Way too large an age gap.
Another one who is 48 and the thought of being with a 65 year old man, just ewwww
I'd end this now. A high risk of you ending up as a carer in the future, for someone with whom you have no shared history or investment.

Edited

😂 if you think ewww then he's not the right man, nothing to do with his age.
Not a high chance you will end up a carer either.
Age is just a number.
I'm sure you know loads of people of the dame age that have divorced etc

crochetbikini · 08/10/2024 16:34

I am in an age gap relationship I am 35 and DP is 51 - I totally get what everyone is saying about as we get older it will be more noticeable.... BUT I am firmly of the mind that you dont know what is going to happen and if it feels right or you feel happy then why not you dont know what is round the corner. I got cancer a couple of years ago and whilst its treated for the time being the possibility of return and life limiting issues is a high probability for me. It isnt just a cliche or a line - its reality for me and true and I am so happy to be with someone I love who loves me back.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 08/10/2024 16:37

PassingStranger · 08/10/2024 16:29

Whose to say it will go that way. So.much ignorant around.
There's no guarantee if you find someone of the same age it will work.out.
People with same age relationships split up all the time.
Op go for it, live in the present, don't overthink and enjoy today.

Show quote history

Given the choice between splitting up with someone the same age as me, and ending up a carer for a much older partner for 15-20 yrs, I'd choose the former.

It doesn't matter how many sprightly 80 yr olds you know, statistically, someone in their late 70s is unlikely to have the health or energy to live the active lifestyle that someone in their late 50s might want. The older partner is likely to be able to enjoy a retirement (although their partner will still be working), while the younger partner is much more likely to end up a carer.

There are no guarantees in this life, but I'd rather stack the odds in my favour. I have friends with much older partners, and we are getting to the age where the difference is really starting to show.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 08/10/2024 16:40

ToriMJ · 07/10/2024 23:36

I wouldn't. It's all fun and games now but when you're caring for an old man when you should be living your prime years it will be shit.

This in spades. You couldn't pay me to date a man a generation older to be honest. I have a grumpy old man now (who's virtually the same age as me - 60ish.) But I am a grumpy old woman too. So it works. The thought of being with a man of nearly 60 when I was just out of my 30s, fills me with horror!

We are ageing together - at the same time, at the same rate, and we have the similar health issues, (age-related mostly.) We have similar outlooks, the same ideals, and lots of history together. Also grew up as children and young adults in the same era.

With someone a generation older, we would have fuck-all in common. And like hell would I be a carer in my late 40s/early 50s. (Which is very likely what will happen.) I think the 'I would like a much older man' posters are quite young. No woman 50+ would say that. The biggest age gap I would want would be 5 years. Me and DH have less than 2 years between us.

.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 08/10/2024 16:42

PassingStranger · 08/10/2024 16:31

😂 if you think ewww then he's not the right man, nothing to do with his age.
Not a high chance you will end up a carer either.
Age is just a number.
I'm sure you know loads of people of the dame age that have divorced etc

Show quote history

Age is not just a number, that's delusional.

Look at any statistics you like in relation to health issues, number of health conditions/co-morbidities, mobility, activity levels etc. Every single one shows a very strong correlation with age. Even a healthy 80 yr old is unlikely to be able to do the sort of travelling and activities that a 60 yr old would want.

Old age comes to everyone, and most people fall within the bell curve around the average, when it comes to healthy life expectancy.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 08/10/2024 16:46

Agree with you @TarantinoIsAMisogynist 👏

Anonym00se · 08/10/2024 16:47

I’m 48, DH is early 60s. I don’t notice the age gap. He’s gorgeous, fit and has more get up and go than most men half his age. And I’ve always been a bit old before my time, so it works perfectly. I think it depends on the individuals involved.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 08/10/2024 16:47

"Age is just a number" is the kind of shit that teenagers say, to be honest. Teenagers who think they are all grown up and know everything there is to know about the world.

Most older adults are more realistic about what the practicalities of aging are. They've seen their (previously fit and active) parents get gradually frailer and less able, almost imperceptibly at times, but then one day you look at your parent and suddenly realise that they seem so much older than they did even just 3 or 5 years ago, and all the capabilities that you used to take for granted are no longer there.

Paq · 08/10/2024 16:50

Me and DH have a significantly larger age gap than 17 years OP.

Happily married nearly 20 years.

He is super fit and active which helps.

I am not a natural carer so I do worry about the future. But I wouldn't have changed my life for anything.

IsawwhatIsaw · 08/10/2024 16:51

My parents had an 18 year age gap, my mother was the younger. I think it was fine initially, but the gap meant they were really at different stages of life.
I feel it made my mother older, my father wanted a quiet life and she ended up retiring early. She was a widow by her early 50s and never remarried.

TwistedWonder · 08/10/2024 16:52

Age is just a number" is the kind of shit that teenagers say, to be honest

Also creepy men in their 70’s online trying to pull women in their 50’s 🤢

Resilience · 08/10/2024 16:52

I wouldn't move this beyond dating.

Age gaps aren't a problem in themselves, but it makes a huge difference IMO what life stages you are when they start.

Having a much older partner who you need to care for is very different when you have a long shared history of good times and mutual support to provide a foundation. Something else entirely if you've only been together 5 minutes.

Paq · 08/10/2024 16:56

Oh and just fyi - my DH is in his late 70s, he still skis, surfs, kayaks, climbs, does all the DIY and gardening, cycles everywhere, goes on regular long hikes. He is about to spend 2 weeks on a trek across central American jungle.

helgel · 08/10/2024 17:00

It's hard to give up on someone you really like though, that's the problem. Single, attractive men are pretty thin on the ground at any age.

Not an easy decision OP.

Boomer55 · 08/10/2024 17:01

My late husband was 14 years older than me. We got together when I was 46. He was the love of my life, and it worked wonderfully, to the day he died. 🙂

Circumferences · 08/10/2024 17:06

Each to their own. Go for it.

Tootsurly · 08/10/2024 17:09

He is concerned that when hes in his 70s I'll not even be 50

Is he suffering from early onset dementia? Or just terrible at maths?

MidnightMeltdown · 08/10/2024 17:22

Paq · 08/10/2024 16:56

Oh and just fyi - my DH is in his late 70s, he still skis, surfs, kayaks, climbs, does all the DIY and gardening, cycles everywhere, goes on regular long hikes. He is about to spend 2 weeks on a trek across central American jungle.

That can happen, but it's a rare exception.

More than 1 in 5 men die before they even reach 65

Viviennemary · 08/10/2024 17:25

It's a fairly big gap but I think it's ok

Paq · 08/10/2024 17:25

@MidnightMeltdown where in earth are you getting that statistic because it's wildly inaccurate!

User1836484645R · 08/10/2024 17:28

MidnightMeltdown · 08/10/2024 17:22

That can happen, but it's a rare exception.

More than 1 in 5 men die before they even reach 65

Show quote history

If that is true, no wonder the average life expectancy for men is lower than for women.

What do they die of?

MadameRed · 08/10/2024 17:30

My step father in law was around your boyfriends age when he and my MIL got together. She is slightly younger. He was charming, loved to go out, holidays, travel. Now a very short 15 years later he's aged. He depends on her to cook, sort out his medication. He's an old man with a wife who didn't get long to enjoy some fun years. Fuck that.