Can a big age gap ever work?

[Goldenappletrees]

Name changed for this one
I've started dating a man who is 57 I am 40
He is a grandad and family man with 5 children whom he is very close to , a good well known respected man that I've known for sometime now.
On good terms with ex wife so all very positive.

Anyway so far weve had 7 dates, coffees , walks and meals out.
I have never clicked with anyone so much. I am so attracted to him, he is very good looking man.
The conversation just flows, we laugh alot and there Is clearly strong chemistry.
If i am being honest I am developing feelings for him.
Tonight he has called me and said he is starting to develop strong feelings for me , however he is really worried about the age gap. I've told him it doesn't bother me as I like that he is mature and respects me and explained how I feel about him.
He has never once tried to take things further than a kiss, is a true gent and honestly I've never been treated so well.
He is concerned that when hes in his 70s I'll not even be 50 , he feels that would be very selfish of him. He does not want me to be left looking after and old man when in my prime he puts it.
He says this is the only thing stopping it going any further .
I want to carry on seeing him and see where it goes. I've spoken to two friends who both say it wont work.
Hes spoken to one of his children about it and they have said they are worried one of us will get hurt.
I really would like any opinions on this.
I wont be offended at all so please be honest.

• just adding that I got to know him b4 dating as he had being doing work at my new house. I knew of him as a person as we live in a small community.

I have a friend who had a 26 year age gap, they had a great life until he was in his early 90's then she became his de facto carer rather than wife, he died at 99. They had 25 good years, sounds good but 7 years caring rather than enjoying retirement

The question is could you take on the role of carer in 20 years when he is 77 and you are 60 - Id say yes probably! Just don’t marry him then you can’t be accused of going after his dollar if you do walk away

How could anyone complain if they’d enjoyed a happy relationship for 20 years!

Ask him whether he would go out with a 74-year-old.

I think it's too big an age gap. It's like you going out with a 23-year-old. I think he is being very sensible really in considering how it would be for both of you. It might sound as though he's at an advantage having a younger woman but I'm sure he will want somebody he can retire with. You are 40 and it's only when you're older you realise just how young that is!

Of course it can. I know several, including one who married at 20 and 40 and were happy for 40 years until he died.

There are loads of big age gaps in my family and it's generally worked fine.

When you’re 60 he will be almost 80.
You will become his carer.
It’s just maths. Sorry 😔

Can work but it's hard. And actually the older you get the harder it is. Like you said, when you're early 50s, he will be 70.

More common would be for a couple to be of similar age, retire together and go have fun! Enjoy their late 60s hopefully still rather healthy together. It's not so much that you'll he 53 and him 70, it's that he'll be retired and you'll still have over a decade of work. He will be off and could go explore the world, go on a long cruise, pursue hobbies wherever whenever. But you'll still be at the daily work grind.

You'll be in different life phases and it can cause resentment if he's off having fun but you can't get time off and need to work or he feels like he's sat around waiting all day for you to come home and be company.

Then you retire and he'll be in his late 80s or 90s and you'll likely spend it caring for him, or have lost him. The age gap means you lose those 'golden years' together.

It isn’t a given. My FIL lived until he was over 90. He never needed any care.

Go for it op.
You might regret it if you don't try.

If that were me I'd jump at the chance! Life is short ..anything can happen to anyone...stop worrying and be happy😊

Just go for it. It’s obvious you are both smitten yes those relationships can and do work! Some people are old at 30! Life is short.

My parents in law had a great marriage with a 15 year age gap. Until he died when she was 59.

You are at the ages where the gap matters least. Come back when you are in your late 50s and still working and he is in his mid 70s and has been retired for 10 years, and tell us what it's like then.

I was 22 when my partner died and I had to care for him for a long time plus I had very young children. My point is you can end up being a carer at any stage of life and people will come along and say it's less likely to happen but I never thought it would happen to me until it did.

Life is short, do what makes you happy and don't have any regrets of what might have been.

He does not want me to be left looking after and old man when in my prime he puts it.

OP, you're focussing a lot on what he is saying about the situation. What do you think? This is a very real possibility, regardless what you are saying about him being fit an healthy for his age, most people in their 70's do not have the energy of people in their 50's.

It doesn't really matter what he thinks - he'll ultimately probably go with what you say. If you say you are happy with the situation then you'll probably end up together, as there is no downside for him.

You are the one who will be paying the price - is it really worth it? You are infatuated and attracted to him for understandable reasons but it might be blinding you.

Think about what YOU want, and think it through carefully. 10/20 years will go by very quickly and then you will be with an old man - is that OK with you? Only you can decide.

Or both of you retire early if you can. That’s what my husband did, and I intend to retire at 50.

From experience I would say life is too short to worry about age gaps.

You won’t have noticed yet if things haven’t progressed beyond a kiss, but there are likely to be sex drive differences. Yours is likely to ramp up in your forties when you’re peri, and many men his age and beyond have a lower drive than when younger.

Everybody is different though. My husband obviously didn’t get that memo.

Indeed, that’s why I caveated it!