Bail conditions - on my husband but it's me who's screwed

[Ohdearnamechange]

My husband has been charged with assault (against me). He's on bail with a condition that he'll not have any form of contact with me. The relationship is done, that's not the issue. The issue is that we lived together, my whole life is there, sentimental stuff from before I met him, stuff my family made for me, all my clothes etc. I've paid for every fucking thing in that flat, all the furniture, white goods etc. Plus all the rent. The police checked the tenancy and he's the only listed tenant (he'd told me he had put me on the tenancy - it's HA - but stupidly I never checked). And as a result gave me notice to leave immediately.

I'm currently staying at a relative's with an overnight bag - it's only temporary and no clue where to go after - the police gave me five minutes to pack and did take me to a safe house initially but that was only for one night. So no contact lenses, no meds, two pairs of pants, one jumper - you get the picture.

I'm just so frustrated. My husband's life hasn't really changed so far as I can see - he's presumably sat on my sofa, eating my food from my fridge, sleeping in the bed I bought and watching tv on the tv I bought.

But I can't even contact him to pick some stuff up? I spoke to the police today and the bail conditions are ongoing, could be for months. If I do, I'll be in trouble and he's blocked me anyway. The police took my keys as I left. I don't even really care about the furniture etc but the thought of losing everything gifted to me by friends and family over the years really hurts. And that also means I can't make a clean break - what, I have to wait for him to notify me that I'm now able to pick up my photos and artwork etc? Plus on a slightly more pedantic point I really don't want to have to rebuy all my toiletries/cosmetics!

Is this really the norm? How is this ok? Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant but any advice on whether this is something that could be challenged or really where to go from here would be much appreciated.

What? It's one bedroom and they're on pension credit. My family are poor. What is this meant to imply?

Ffs. My parents rent a house now from the council as they're extremely old and unwell. I have the option of a small van in the garden as no other room.

I'm fine with the van, I only referred to it as it was about the guinea pigs and them having no room to move in.

If this is your plan you need to be very careful, my council tenancy doesn't allow anything like this.

Please look into it beforehand so none of you get in trouble 💐

Yep I understand marital home rights, but it doesn't automatically entitle her to stay there when there's dv. Depending on the exact wording of the police case and the court order the victim of the dv can go onto the emergency housing list, because it's dv in a HA house. The police can't have them under the same roof. His circumstances and her circumstances should be taken into account so if he said he had nowhere to go and she said I can stay at my dad's but he's unwell then they will ask her to leave. We don't know exactly what was said by whom , to whom. It's a shitty situation but its the situation she is in right now, and we can only support her in this situation. In a few days time she can get the court order overturned with a solicitors guidance but tonight she just needs somewhere to sleep, tomorrow she needs her guineas and precious items. Then she needs somewhere more permanent and finally divorce.

It's fine but thank you x

Oh my god. Is it you? With the brother who lives in your house and pays next to no rent…?

I've already answered this upthread. I'm not sure of the relevance to the current question but do go ahead and let me know if you think there is any.

I remember your old threads. The dynamics you grew up with whereby you have been willing to set yourself on fire to keep your brother warm are the dynamics that have led you to pick your ex partner who is abusive towards you. That will continue to have relevance in every aspect of your life until you address it but it is not your fault ever that you have been subjected to what these people do to you.

Thank you x

I do see the relevance there, I just really don't want this thread to go off on a tangent about my brother/house etc, should not have mentioned anything outing (I didn't realise I was so well known 😅). Just wanted help on the bail conditions/access thibg

But honestly thank you, that's given me something to think about

I went to bed thinking about you, and I've woken thinking about you. It seems to me that in deciding in a way so different from what a magistrate has been trained to do, the policeman (?) has effectively colluded with your abuser continuing to abuse. I hope in ignorance, but there may be a hangover from the old attitude to "domestics". You've had a lot of advice and I hope it bears fruit quickly.
In old days, this would be a case where the village applied folk law, and turned out with Rough Music until he did the right thing, though it might upset the guineas. I can do nothing but metaphorically bang a metaphorical saucepan. Thinking of you so much.

I think they're wrong. Rights to occupy have absolutely nothing to do with ownership of what is in the house. I'd suggest getting legal advice - a proactive solicitor can probably sort this out quite quickly, at least to the extent of allowing you to recover stuff that is indisputably yours like clothes and medication.

Police should definitely be helping you retrieve your belongings

This!! The police have got it wrong. You are married. Please go back and ask for an urgent review. Can you contact a woman‘s or DA charity to support you. Thinking of you and sending strength.

Thanks everyone. As said above I don't want him chucked out, I just want my things. But I am grateful for the advice.

The police have arranged for me to be escorted to collect some things this evening so wish me luck. Really really anxious as it's a tiny one bed flat and I don't see how I can get the stuff I need (which is in each room...) with him also there. As I was being taken to the safe house I was told I couldn't even look at him... so what do we do, rotate around the bedroom and living room while I get what I need? Does he hide in the bathroom?? But I need stuff from there too... Argh. So stressed.

Good luck, I hope you can get the items important to you. 🤞🏼

Good luck

He needs to leave the property while you get your things.

Who said you can't look at him?? The bail conditions are on him not you. This police force are numpties frankly

I don't want to say too much as my situation would be incredibly outing, but ex-h arrested for DV and coercive control. Bail imposed with restraining order, police wouldn't let me go back to the jointly owned house due to a fuck up on their part (they thought I had somewhere else to go - I didn't). I'm still dealing with the consequences of it several years later. Happy for you to pm me if you'd like.

If your ex is there while you are there collecting your things, then he is in breach of his bail conditions and the police can rearrest him.

He should go out. Simple as that. Presumably he's not on curfew and he can leave the house at will? Police need to give him a heads up that you're coming, he leaves the property until they say he can come back. If he's there when you show up, he'll be arrested. End of.

The police are supposed to be escorting you for your safety, not to police your own movements. There are no conditions imposed on you, so you are free to do whatever you want - as is every single other law-abiding citizen in this country.

He was there, which was prearranged by the police (I don't have a key) but was shut in the living room. Everything i needed was in the bedroom and bathroom so that was ok. So weird going back there though. But overall it went ok.

At least now I have more than two pairs of pants!

I so glad you have pants! And the rest of your things.

I'm sorry to hear the police have been so monumentally crap and made your experience so much harder than it needed to be.

I have just read your post and it has made me sob my heart out . I needed to hear this today .
Im currently sat in a hotel room by myself feeling absolutely broken. My ex made me homeless on Tuesday . Even though he was violent it was mostly the emotional abuse like telling me to kill myself and then saying I havnt got the guts to do it . I have cancer and am currently partially paralysed down my right side from a side effect of cancer treatment . I’ve had to flee with bare minimum and all my ‘nice’ clothes and possessions are with him. He’s also got my children which I don’t think I’ll ever see again . He’s won he’s finally won ! I’ve lost everything and he gets to live his happy life with no repercussions. I thought that by leaving that would be the end of it but no now he’s trying to tarnish my reputation by saying I’ve left the children and that I’m mentally unstable and having a breakdown so now I’m getting abuse from all here there and everywhere . Even my own family have taken his side . I’ve had had to call crisis team several times because I keep getting the worst panic attacks I’ve ever experienced. I’m so angry at the injustice of it all . And you are right because he has absolutely destroyed me . He has given me severe anxiety and depression and I’m in the verge of being sectioned if I can’t get myself better . I can’t live without my children and I don’t want to . Soon my children will be introduced to their new step mummy wen ex goes public with his new relationship and I’ll be forgotten about like a piece of dust that just disappears. My life is over . What you have said resonates with me so much .
thank you

@Imbluedalale minus the cancer, this resonated. I'm now a few years in. People told me it would get better, which was yes and no.

I've accepted my situation now, but I wish I'd have stayed so I still had my children. I'm divorced from ex-h, but no financial settlement and he threw away so many of my belongings and memories, which were not his to throw away.

I'll have to settle for no financial settlement as financially he's broken me. My family sided with him on the split and are only now beginning to realise his true colours. In the meantime they destroyed any possibility I had of getting my life properly back.

I will never truly trust anyone again.

That’s what my support workers are telling me that I did the right thing by getting out so why doesn’t it feel like that?why does it feel like my worker has ended . Why is my ex still trying to ruin me?
I’m financially ruined Aswell I have nothing apart from a few pairs of jeans and a few hoodies . Didn’t even have chance to get my make up bag .
Do you think you are happier now?

@Imbluedalale not really.

I left with a hold-all and my laptop.

He said I abused the joint accounts because I bought underwear, stationary and food for my dc when I left. All thiings which were essential for my survival.

I lost my DC. I'll never recover from that.