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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bail conditions - on my husband but it's me who's screwed

153 replies

Ohdearnamechange · 07/10/2024 14:57

My husband has been charged with assault (against me). He's on bail with a condition that he'll not have any form of contact with me. The relationship is done, that's not the issue. The issue is that we lived together, my whole life is there, sentimental stuff from before I met him, stuff my family made for me, all my clothes etc. I've paid for every fucking thing in that flat, all the furniture, white goods etc. Plus all the rent. The police checked the tenancy and he's the only listed tenant (he'd told me he had put me on the tenancy - it's HA - but stupidly I never checked). And as a result gave me notice to leave immediately.

I'm currently staying at a relative's with an overnight bag - it's only temporary and no clue where to go after - the police gave me five minutes to pack and did take me to a safe house initially but that was only for one night. So no contact lenses, no meds, two pairs of pants, one jumper - you get the picture.

I'm just so frustrated. My husband's life hasn't really changed so far as I can see - he's presumably sat on my sofa, eating my food from my fridge, sleeping in the bed I bought and watching tv on the tv I bought.

But I can't even contact him to pick some stuff up? I spoke to the police today and the bail conditions are ongoing, could be for months. If I do, I'll be in trouble and he's blocked me anyway. The police took my keys as I left. I don't even really care about the furniture etc but the thought of losing everything gifted to me by friends and family over the years really hurts. And that also means I can't make a clean break - what, I have to wait for him to notify me that I'm now able to pick up my photos and artwork etc? Plus on a slightly more pedantic point I really don't want to have to rebuy all my toiletries/cosmetics!

Is this really the norm? How is this ok? Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant but any advice on whether this is something that could be challenged or really where to go from here would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
ToNiceWithSpice · 07/10/2024 17:04

My son moved out of a house where both him and his ex girlfriend were tenants , she refused to give him his stuff and other than going round a couple of times and ringing her to ask her to give his stuff back the police wouldn't do anything else

9 months later and it still isn't sorted

GuestFeatu · 07/10/2024 17:04

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/10/2024 17:01

You might feel like it is the morally incorrect approach, however the pressing ned is for OP to collect personal items, sentimental items, irreplaceable stuff and important paperwork, meds etc.

That can be achieved reasonably quickly.

Getting him out of a property he is down as the ONLY tenant of, and can prove he's the one who paid all the rent etc... is something that will take forever, and possibly will never happen.

There is a time for taking the moral high ground, and a time for sticking with whats practical!

Show quote history

I'm sorry you're just wrong. You can see that if you read the thread. She has the right to live there and all it needs is for the police to vary the bail conditions: they could have done that today.

JudgeJenny · 07/10/2024 17:05

You can apply to your local court for a non molestation order and an occupation order. Google how to. No cost.

betterangels · 07/10/2024 17:07

Notagain24 · 07/10/2024 17:03

I think you need to stop feeling sorry for him - he assaulted you, he lied to you, he has financially abused you for years, you did not deserve this, he does not deserve your loyalty.

Yeah, he royally screwed you over. Can someone else go get some of your belongings that are sentimental?

Definitely try to stop feeling sorry for someone who has shown he is OK with assaulting you and lying to you for years.

category12 · 07/10/2024 17:08

Home rights are one of the biggest reasons marriage is not "just a piece of paper".

Precipice · 07/10/2024 17:08

Ohdearnamechange · 07/10/2024 16:47

Thank you everyone, really. It's helped me a lot.

For those saying about getting occupancy/him evicted etc as stupid as this maybe sounds I don't want that. I still care about him despite everything and he only got the flat because he was homeless for months. I couldn't do that to him. But I appreciate the advice.

Sorry I know I sound scatty but this has all only just happened and I'm a bit of a mess! I just want my most important stuff back and fingers crossed if I talk to a different policeman tomorrow that'll be ok.

OP, his abuse has made you homeless. You're out of your home and are having to stay at a relative's. You're homeless. In addition, you don't even have your belongings, as you would otherwise if you'd lost your own tenancy and had to stay at a relative's in that circumstance (you wouldn't have everything with you, but you'd have more than you do.)

He's the one who caused this. If he ended up homeless again, it would be a result of his abuse of you. Currently, you're homeless - through no fault of your own. Do you really consider this the fairer outcome?

FreshOutOfFucks · 07/10/2024 17:20

You don't need to talk to the police. Except to tell them to go to Mag's court to have bail conditions amended because you have a legal right to live in that address, so your ex needs to go somewhere else.

The police have absolutely no power to stop you going back to your marital home. In fact they have set your ex up to fail because he would be in breach of bail and he could be re-arrested if you go back there. The whole thing is ridiculous and not in the interest of justice or victim protection.

Original poster
Ohdearnamechange · 07/10/2024 17:21

Everyone I am so very grateful for all of your advice and when I've calmed down a bit tomorrow I will research all options.

For now, my main priorities are a) my pets (sorry I didn't mention initially as I thought it might confuse things with possibly going into emergency accom etc but I have two guinea pigs that I'm sure he'll give basic care at least); b) extra clothes and my meds, I have an emergency prescription sorted now so that can wait; c) my dad's cupboard and desk he made for me (he's really not well); and d) my photos and artwork from friends and family. I honestly wouldn't put it past him to bin them just out of spite.

Honestly he can have the TV/fridge/dishwasher/oven/car/sofas/tables/wardrobes etc etc. Like a PP said they're just things. I just want stuff that means something to me.

OP posts:
branstonpickle28 · 07/10/2024 17:24

I haven't read all replies but you could ask someone on your behalf to go & collect things. Have you got a mutual friend perhaps who DH would consent to coming and collecting some bits? That way, bail conditions are being followed. My family member had to do this and it worked well.

Original poster
Ohdearnamechange · 07/10/2024 17:25

Precipice · 07/10/2024 17:08

OP, his abuse has made you homeless. You're out of your home and are having to stay at a relative's. You're homeless. In addition, you don't even have your belongings, as you would otherwise if you'd lost your own tenancy and had to stay at a relative's in that circumstance (you wouldn't have everything with you, but you'd have more than you do.)

He's the one who caused this. If he ended up homeless again, it would be a result of his abuse of you. Currently, you're homeless - through no fault of your own. Do you really consider this the fairer outcome?

Show quote history

Thank you - I think I maybe need to change my thinking a bit.

OP posts:
KingPrinceCharles · 07/10/2024 17:30

branstonpickle28 · 07/10/2024 17:24

I haven't read all replies but you could ask someone on your behalf to go & collect things. Have you got a mutual friend perhaps who DH would consent to coming and collecting some bits? That way, bail conditions are being followed. My family member had to do this and it worked well.

Exactly this.☝
And ring round a few local firms for a friendly Family solicitor who might give you some free advice.

Hydenseek78 · 07/10/2024 17:32

Ohdearnamechange · 07/10/2024 15:24

Unfortunately I don't have receipts.

If I did it'd leave the arse with a broken bedside table, one ancient kitchen chair and a microwave and sleeping on the floor😅

It's mostly just about the principle tbh!

Show quote history

Do you have bank statements, paypal statement that you could use to prove you've paid for it all ?

category12 · 07/10/2024 17:37

If you're married, op, then marital assets are shared. You have home rights.

He doesn't get to chuck you out and keep everything. You don't need to prove what you bought.

TypingoftheDead · 07/10/2024 17:57

I hope you can get the things most important to you sorted out quickly, OP. I don’t have any advice but I’m rooting for you to come out on top!

VelvetChaise · 07/10/2024 17:58

This legal guide for survivors of abuse might be helpful - it discusses the option for you to seek an occupation order to remain in the house: https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/what-are-my-legal-options-1.pdf

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/what-are-my-legal-options-1.pdf

VelvetChaise · 07/10/2024 17:59

You could also try calling the Rights of Women free legal helpline for survivors of abuse (but they get very busy so ring right when they open)

Namechangeforadhd · 07/10/2024 18:02

FreshOutOfFucks · 07/10/2024 16:07

Is he on police bail or was he bailed at court?

I can imagine the police fucking this up, but magistrates have specific training in avoiding this situation. I'm a magistrate and in DV cases, we bail defendants to live and sleep at a separate address to their victim with conditions to have no contact.

When we bail DV defendants, the first question we ask is 'where does the victim reside?' and if it's at the defendant's address, we then bail the defendant to an address somewhere else - usually a relative. It cannot be a condition of a defendant's bail that their victim is made to move out. The victim is not subject to any bail conditions. You won't be doing anything wrong if you go to your own house (although I can understand you'd not want to turn up on your own if he's there). If he lets you in, he'll be breaking his own bail conditions. But presumably he's only bailed to live and sleep there - he can go out during the day? Just go there when he's not going to be there, that way he hasn't broken his bail conditions and you get your stuff back.

Whoever is on the lease or not is a civil matter - I can't understand why the police would give a shit. You won't be committing a criminal offence if you go there.

This. The police - I'm assuming police as no way would a court do this - have been completely incompetent.
If you need to divide things into smaller chunks so that you can cope (I get this must be massively overwhelming) then go back at a time he's not there and get your stuff. Then secondly look at getting his bail conditions changed.
But strictly speaking, this is a mistake by the police. They cannot bail an assailant to the home of his victim, irrespective of who's on tenancy.

Mamabobogo · 07/10/2024 18:04

GuestFeatu · 07/10/2024 15:12

You're married, it's the marital home. This is completely wrong. The police have fucked right up and you need an urgent review of the bail conditions and to be allowed to return to your house. I'm so cross on your behalf! Have you got a domestic violence advocate? Have you called your local DA service?

I really really hope this is right OP, otherwise it’s totally outrageous.

LovingCritic · 07/10/2024 18:09

category12 · 07/10/2024 16:59

Unfortunately shelter are over optimistic, I'm a landlord and had a very similar situation some years ago. The husband was the absuser, and named as sole Tennant.
I would have loved the wife to stay and him to go, but legally he had a contract with me and I with him, it went to solicitors and court, the answer was the same, contractually he was my tenant, not her.
He stayed two years and then thankfully quit the tenancy - don't know what happened to her.
So whilst marriage may confer home rights that does not trump contract law in the renting of a dwelling most of the time.
In this case the HA has no contract with the OP, the OP has no contract with the HA, the HA will have a waiting list and criteria, there is no way on earth the OP will be able to oust her DH from his tenancy and take it over.

LovingCritic · 07/10/2024 18:11

Namechangeforadhd · 07/10/2024 18:02

This. The police - I'm assuming police as no way would a court do this - have been completely incompetent.
If you need to divide things into smaller chunks so that you can cope (I get this must be massively overwhelming) then go back at a time he's not there and get your stuff. Then secondly look at getting his bail conditions changed.
But strictly speaking, this is a mistake by the police. They cannot bail an assailant to the home of his victim, irrespective of who's on tenancy.

Show quote history

Legally though its not the victims home in terms of contractural law, been here as a landlord, as unjust as it sounds, he holds the contract, not the OP.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 07/10/2024 18:14

Many housing associations are signed up to DAHA and have legal responsibilities to those experiencing domestic violence living in their homes. You might want to contact the HA. Were you a named contact on the account, as he might have the tenancy, but if you were named as an occupant you will have rights. Please do give them a ring and some advice here https://www.dahalliance.org.uk/

Home - daha - Domestic Abuse Housing Alliance

https://www.dahalliance.org.uk

12345mummy · 07/10/2024 18:14

OP - put in a complaint to the Police. It will have to be against the Officer who told you this but it’s the only way you’ll get through to them. Say they are discriminating against you because you are the victim. You can’t live a functioning life without your possessions! Good luck OP.

GuestFeatu · 07/10/2024 18:33

LovingCritic · 07/10/2024 18:11

Legally though its not the victims home in terms of contractural law, been here as a landlord, as unjust as it sounds, he holds the contract, not the OP.

Show quote history

I'm afraid you're incorrect. Family law provides for spouses who aren't named on the tenancy to have rights of occupation. Whether a court decides to transfer the tenancy or grant an occupation order is one question but it's a completely different question as to whether the OP has the right to live there and have him bailed to stay somewhere else. She does.

Cem82 · 07/10/2024 18:35

Take him to small claims for the various things - if you transferred money via bank transfer there’ll be a trail.

NadjaofAntipaxos · 07/10/2024 18:37

National centre for domestic violence.
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/

They JUST specialise in injunctions, including occupation orders. You can self-refer and they take it to court on your behalf free of charge. I refer to them professionally and always had good feedback from women using them.

Good luck🤞

domestic violence

Domestic Violence & Abuse · Emergency Injunction Service

A free, fast emergency injunction service to survivors of domestic violence regardless of their financial circumstances, race, gender or sexual orientation.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk