Bail conditions - on my husband but it's me who's screwed

[Ohdearnamechange]

My husband has been charged with assault (against me). He's on bail with a condition that he'll not have any form of contact with me. The relationship is done, that's not the issue. The issue is that we lived together, my whole life is there, sentimental stuff from before I met him, stuff my family made for me, all my clothes etc. I've paid for every fucking thing in that flat, all the furniture, white goods etc. Plus all the rent. The police checked the tenancy and he's the only listed tenant (he'd told me he had put me on the tenancy - it's HA - but stupidly I never checked). And as a result gave me notice to leave immediately.

I'm currently staying at a relative's with an overnight bag - it's only temporary and no clue where to go after - the police gave me five minutes to pack and did take me to a safe house initially but that was only for one night. So no contact lenses, no meds, two pairs of pants, one jumper - you get the picture.

I'm just so frustrated. My husband's life hasn't really changed so far as I can see - he's presumably sat on my sofa, eating my food from my fridge, sleeping in the bed I bought and watching tv on the tv I bought.

But I can't even contact him to pick some stuff up? I spoke to the police today and the bail conditions are ongoing, could be for months. If I do, I'll be in trouble and he's blocked me anyway. The police took my keys as I left. I don't even really care about the furniture etc but the thought of losing everything gifted to me by friends and family over the years really hurts. And that also means I can't make a clean break - what, I have to wait for him to notify me that I'm now able to pick up my photos and artwork etc? Plus on a slightly more pedantic point I really don't want to have to rebuy all my toiletries/cosmetics!

Is this really the norm? How is this ok? Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant but any advice on whether this is something that could be challenged or really where to go from here would be much appreciated.

Yes, would this get you into trouble? Or send the police a list of your stuff and ask them to ask him to bring them to the police station or something?

If you're not already in touch with Women's aid, they may also be helpful.

Either way I'm glad the relationship is over and that you sound like you are on your way onwards and upwards, even if it's without your meaningful possessions.

I would be making a nuisance of myself until someone agreed to accompany me to get my stuff. They can not expect you walk away with two pairs of knickers. I'd pick your battles though don't be asking to get your shampoo..

Maybe a magistrates order?

Not correct. My ex ended up in this position with his now ex girlfriend. He owned the house but she had the right to be escorted to his house by the police to collect all her stuff. All contact went through the police.

I’m sure you can send someone to collect items. Give them a list of your personal stuff. Give him notice in writing. He might dispute furniture. Pity as it’d be best to empty the place and leave him with the floor to sleep on. So sorry OP.

Thanks all. I spoke to them today and essentially the answer was that as it's his sole tenancy it's all his and I can't access it?

That's not for the police to be worrying about stuff like that. Tenancies are civil! If your ex wants to enforce ownership he needs to do it via the HA, not the police. It's nothing to do with them. Their job is to get him convicted for assaulting you - not to insert themselves into your home ownership arrangements.

This makes me so angry - a perfect example of how the system gets misused to further abuse victims.

They can amend the bail conditions. It is that simple.

Hello I am a former family lawyer and have just checked the Shelter website - you can get an occupation order for a HA property where you are not on the tenancy agreement / the criteria is that the property must have been your family home.

As you probably know, an occupation order is temporary - normally around 6 months but if you apply for a financial order I think the family court can transfer a HA property.

If you make the application yourself for an urgent order remember to mention if he can stay with family etc and could get his bail address changed to a new one. The fact that he has been charged is good news for evidence in your non mol and occupation order application.

The police can't sort out occupation but should accompany you a second time to sort out belongings but if you find the right family judge you might persuade them to give you an exparte or without notice order - though it is more usual for the court to list the occupation order for a hearing where your partner is present.

Know it is a lot to take on board but hope you can get the ball rolling on your application or you can get to see a family law solicitor

It’s things like this that mean women don’t trust the police, and I can’t help but feel a significant proportion carry on like this to make their lives easier and perpetuate the misogyny.

Can you tell us which police force you’re dealing with? Some other MN might have connections or be able to direct you to someone specific.

It’s your marital home, he should have been removed and his bail conditions prevented him both returning and contacting you. Even a vaguely competent officer would have been aware of this.

I’d suggest getting their email (or their senior officers) writing down the issues, and sending it with a cc to your MP, and their complaints. You’ll hopefully find the right fires are lit.

You're married I think you can get a non molestation order and you be in the marital home? You need legal advice have you called women's aid?

If you can get a day you can get removal people to put all your furniture in a storage unit

Thank you everyone, really. It's helped me a lot.

For those saying about getting occupancy/him evicted etc as stupid as this maybe sounds I don't want that. I still care about him despite everything and he only got the flat because he was homeless for months. I couldn't do that to him. But I appreciate the advice.

Sorry I know I sound scatty but this has all only just happened and I'm a bit of a mess! I just want my most important stuff back and fingers crossed if I talk to a different policeman tomorrow that'll be ok.

I do feel like the original policeman who told me I had to leave was quite dismissive - my H can be very manipulative/convincing so I don't know if the guy thought it was a spurious allegation or something and that was recorded on the system. Never had any issues with police before so I have no idea how these things work.

The problem is this all costs money! He's already pretty much syphoned off everything. But thank you x

You know what / you don't have to think about the future right now: you just need to get back in your home and get him out so you can have some breathing space. He'll be bailed for 28 days most likely which will give you time to sort out a move if that's what you want. Then he can move back in. But you cannot be the one who gets made homeless after he is arrested. It's appalling practice from the police.

Yeah they've let you down here. You have "home rights" as you're married.

I'd consider making a complaint about the police and advice you've been given.

I’ve been in a situation where my ex husband was abusive and was removed from the house. They didn’t check my tenancy when they removed him so I wonder why they did in your case? (He was only on my tenancy as occupant not tenant so he had no rights) It seems very unfair that you’ve had to leave your home, as you said , all of your things are there. Unfortunately though in the eyes of the housing, it’s his house so you have no ‘legal’ right to be there, which is infuriating as he is in the wrong, not you. I just wanted to give you an honest answer. With regards to your things, you can ask a police support officer or community police if they can go to the property with you to get your things. That’s what my ex husband did in the end and he also wasn’t allowed near me or contact with me, direct or through anyone else. I really wish you all the best and please know it does get easier. You will pick yourself up over time, but it does take time. Hold your head high. Sending hugs xx

Call Rights for Women for advice? Https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Would also contact your local Police and Crime Commissioner to complain as what the police have done here is dead wrong….

Talk to Womens Aid

He sounds financially abusive as well as all the rest.

She does have legal right to be there.

Marriage confers "home rights".

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/marital_home_rights#:~:text=Home%20rights%20mean%20you%20can,home%20if%20you%20have%20left

You might feel like it is the morally incorrect approach, however the pressing ned is for OP to collect personal items, sentimental items, irreplaceable stuff and important paperwork, meds etc.

That can be achieved reasonably quickly.

Getting him out of a property he is down as the ONLY tenant of, and can prove he's the one who paid all the rent etc... is something that will take forever, and possibly will never happen.

There is a time for taking the moral high ground, and a time for sticking with whats practical!

Just what I was going to say. Through my job I have supported dozens of people feeling DV/DA (not always women - men can be victims as well). It never ceased to shock and anger me that the victim (often with children) is the one who has to move & rebuild their lives.

Good luck OP - you have been brave in leaving the B*stard and your life can only improve. x

I think you need to stop feeling sorry for him - he assaulted you, he lied to you, he has financially abused you for years, you did not deserve this, he does not deserve your loyalty.