Would you help a parent in this situation?

[feelingbadinadoormatway]

Been NC with DM for years . Recently she contacted me and I thought I will keep it limited as I’m aware via siblings she has a terminal diagnosis.
We’ve spoken briefly a few times . I’ve tried to keep it to neutral topics it’s been ok.

I was NC due to emotional abuse when I was a child and teenager and I left home very young.

Yesterday she called me as she is feeling unwell and asked me to please help her next week with walking her dog once a day and taking her to some appointments and shopping. I was quite shocked she asked. I got a bit muddled up and just said I wasn’t sure and ended the call. My
siblings have now asked can I please help as they are doing so much and need me to step up as well ?

I don’t feel I can do it. But I feel guilty ?! Why ???? I know logically i shouldn’t feel guilty

I have let my siblings know I really am unable to do anything for except any ‘admin’ they may need help with (eg initially arranging a dog walker or booking taxis). They are now saying she can’t afford this and it’s cruel to the dog and she’s upset he’s not getting his walks this week . I feel as if I’m being emotionally blackmailed ? It’s not my dog ! They are trying to make me feel guilty

Offer to investigate organizations for re-honing the dog.

Stay firm, OP.

If siblings are that worried about the dog, they can walk it or organise a dog-walker. They could have it for the week. They could ask neighbours or friends or other family members. They could chip in and pay for a dog-walker.

Don't get guilted into the dog-walking - it's the most emotive point they could find to use against you, and they're trying to drag you back into close regular contact with your mother.

Give them the information for Cinnamon Trust https://cinnamon.org.uk/cinnamon-trust/
and https://www.borrowmydoggy.com/

You need to stay away from your mum. It will ruin your mental health. She chose to get a dog, she has a garden. She could pay for.a dog walker once a day. How.is it suddenly your responsibility to walk this.dog?! What would they do.if you didn't exist?!

It’s very triggering for me as regularly growing up there were pets that were treated as worth more than me. On one occasion as the (then) dog was fed indoors i was told my behaviour warranted me being locked out with a bowl of water in the garden ‘like a dog’? All because I’d cried when given a dinner that made me feel unwell . I’m feeling as if again a pet has more worth to them all than me

If that makes any sense ? Probably not

Oh OP, that's horrific. 😥

Please look after you.

I obviously don’t want the dog to suffer but I know she has a garden so he does have access to outdoors. It just feels like this is an old tactic ? I used to watch her with her pets. Dogs and cats and she adored them. I used to watch and think maybe I needed to lie in the doorway like the cat did ? (I was 6/7 I think ) and got told off for being ‘in the bloody way all the time’ I couldn’t work out how to make her like me like my siblings or the pets and all this talk about her being so upset about her dog is just making me feel tearful and I really need to be careful I don’t fall back into being depressed

I think you need to re establish your boundaries OP.
You have not had contact with your mother because of her abuse.
Being forced into heavy contact , daily walks , shopping , admin is too much for you. Don’t get drawn into her drama .
I think you will deeply regret it is you do.

Your siblings are also doing your mother’s bidding by trying to hoover you back into their dysfunctional world. They will try and use any method or tactic here to get you.

Ignore all such attempts. Your mother has not changed over the years and neither have your siblings, they’re still playing the same old roles assigned to them . Withdraw any offer you have made. Whatever you do and say will never be enough to satisfy these emotional voids. Drop the rope entirely and block them from being able to contact you.

Her dog is not going to suffer, they just want to make you think that the dog will suffer.

I am NC with my parents for similar reasons. When my Golden Junkie of a brother got their house ransacked by drug dealers and they weren't allowed home due to it being a crime scene they asked if they could stay because they had nowhere to go, it was a big flat no. It gave a lot of satisfaction to turn them away at my door.

You received zero help from your parent when you needed it most. You received abuse. Personally, I'd agree and just not turn up. They don't deserve your help and kindness.

Use the situation & your memories & feelings to remind yourself why you need to stay away from these people. And you are allowed to stay away from them.

You were treated differently to your siblings, so you don't need to do what they're doing now, or what they want you to do now. They can look after their mother if they want to. You don't have to look after yours. You don't want to, you don't need to (in fact, you need NOT to) & you don't have to.

Even if she'd treated you all the same, you'd still have the choice of what to do now. I know it's hard when you're a good & compassionate person & you're told someone's in need, but there are solutions to all her problems which don't involve you, & they're being unpleasant to you & running their own agendas, because you've stayed away until now for the good of your own health. They have no right to make these stupid demands of you now.

I understand where you are coming from. Both my parents now need support (dad has carers) and I struggle with letting go of the past and emotional abuse that happened, as well as the guilt that they need me.

They are sucking you back in. Please, please don't let them.
Just step away for your own sanity

This is already much more triggering than you should be expected to deal with.
Your siblings are either heartless or they don’t properly understand what you went through.
You would be wise to pause all contact with your siblings until they have sorted arrangements without your input - and to maintain no contact with your mother.

You owe them nothing OP.
Don’t put yourself through it any more.
Don’t feel bad about any of it. Your childhood was shocking and no sane person would say you are obliged to help your cruel abuser who isn’t fit to deserve the title of mother.
Your abuser isn’t a victim. Without any hint of any sort of apology she is still very much the perpetrator and betrayer. Your siblings are simply using you to carry the load.

It is not your dog, you have exactly zero responsibility for it. They may be trying to make you feel guilty but you do not have accept this horrible “gift”.

The cinnamon trust can help find people to walk dogs for people who are unable to due to illness

Hi, early poster here but not been back to this for a couple of days. OP, please please stand firm on way you can offer. Your siblings are trying to emotionally blackmail you and you know that once you give an inch they’ll take a mile. They’ll also back off and let you pick up the slack as they’ll feel they’ve been doing your share too.
If they push again then your next response has to be that if they keep speaking to you like this then you won’t even help with that much (what you’ve already offered). You know you need to stand firm, my sister is the same and my mother is the narcissist. In your situation I would absolutely protect myself from opening up old wounds further. You are already feeling triggered by all the stuff with the pet, I’m sorry but it isn’t your pet. If she really can’t look after it then it needs rehoming or a professional walker to be in everyday to look after it. Please please stick to your guns and don’t be afraid to fight for yourself here. Your siblings haven’t been through what you have and so they don’t understand the harm a narcissistic mother can do! Sending you my strength x

Op, I've just read your posts.
I hope this has been said before, the old classic: No is a complete sentence.

You were NC for a reason. You need to return to it.

If your mother and siblings are incapable of caring for the dog - taking it for a walk is basic the dog needs to go.
Mothers dog is not your problem.

Having read your updates OP it is clear you are deeply traumatised by your childhood, and so you should. Just the updates you have shared with us are gut-wrenching.
Your mother is not without resources and has children in her life she treated far better than she treated you. Let them deal with her now.
They have no right to ask for your help. The fact that your mother would entertain the request after treating you the way she did speaks volumes.
You may only get ‘one mother’ but if your mother abused you she wasn’t a parent. She was and is your abuser.
My heart goes out to you. Spend time with people who care about you, doing things you enjoy. Follow your passions and nurture your interests. Protect your health and wellbeing and stay away. You cannot go into that house.
If you can access therapy, or further therapy, now would be a key time.
You were not put on this earth to go back to serve someone who abused you. You have this one precious life and you deserve to feel secure.

OP, you poor poor woman.
You are deeply traumatised and your siblings are bullying you.
I have no doubt she is manipulating them.
Please block them.
Do not engage.
They do not have your best interests at heart.
Her dog is nothing whatsoever to do with you.
Absolutely NOTHING.
Stop thinking about her dog.
She was a total horror of a mother.
It will do you great harm to be involved with your abuser again.

Block your siblings.
Better to no longer be in contact with them than cause yourself to have a full on mental breakdown.

Chip, chip, chipping away at your very reasonable boundaries, aren't they? Yes, they are trying to make you feel guilty. Recognise it, and don't succumb. Recognise them as your mother's Flying Monkeys. They are not behaving as your siblings, but as her agents. She, through them, is trying to draw you back in. Do not let her. Do not let them.

Throw it back in their faces. If the dog isn't getting walked, that's down to them - they should be walking it. If she can't afford it, they should pay (don't let them tell you that you should pay!). If anything needs done, they should do it. It's not your responsibility. Ask them, what's in it for YOU to force me to have contact with HER?

The dog will not suffer, except at their hands. Make that crystal clear to them. 'I am not walking the dog, YOU will need to make alternative arrangements.' Repeat, repeat, repeat.

"It just feels like this is an old tactic ?" Because it is. Don't fall for it.

It might be time to go NC with her and your siblings.

Just catching up on the updates. OP I really hope you haven’t been pushed into helping. You were treated appallingly as a child. I’m so sorry to hear what you went through. The dog is absolutely not your responsibility, do not be guilt tripped into helping.