Would you help a parent in this situation?

[feelingbadinadoormatway]

Been NC with DM for years . Recently she contacted me and I thought I will keep it limited as I’m aware via siblings she has a terminal diagnosis.
We’ve spoken briefly a few times . I’ve tried to keep it to neutral topics it’s been ok.

I was NC due to emotional abuse when I was a child and teenager and I left home very young.

Yesterday she called me as she is feeling unwell and asked me to please help her next week with walking her dog once a day and taking her to some appointments and shopping. I was quite shocked she asked. I got a bit muddled up and just said I wasn’t sure and ended the call. My
siblings have now asked can I please help as they are doing so much and need me to step up as well ?

I don’t feel I can do it. But I feel guilty ?! Why ???? I know logically i shouldn’t feel guilty

You are correct, not even false remorse!

Hopefully the mother reflects now on her actions, she can die remembering her actions.

And by doing that, they take up the mantle of your abusive mother and continue the abuse into the present.

I wonder if your siblings are pressuring you at your mother's request? Seriously, I would respond to them as if they are extensions of her and not people in their own right.

So, a response to "you only have one mum you need to let go of the past" might be along the lines of 'thank goodness for that, I couldn't have survived more than one of her' or 'says the child who wasn't abused by that mother!' or 'such a pity then that my one mother was so abusive'. Do not accept their comment. Make it clear that you owe this woman (and by extension, them) absolutely nothing.

They are trying to guilt you. I would guilt them back, because I think that might make it uncomfortable enough for them to stop. Ask them questions. Questions like - 'Why do you think I left home so young? What do you think drove me to do that?' or 'I was at peace being NC with her - what's in it for YOU to impose her on me again?'

I would return to being NC with her. I doubt she's changed, since she won't address her own behaviour (the crying) then she's still manipulative and abusive. Perhaps even more so because she's doing it via proxies - your siblings. I might also consider how much contact I want to have with them too.

Get angry op, tell them or her/both you've already grieved her so as far as you are concerned she's been dead to you for a good while and to not bother phoning and trying to guilt you into any more crap to do with her.
She let you down, hasn't apologised and guess what? Everyone fucking dies, she's not special in that regard and doesn't get to do this to you.

Did I miss the part where her diagnosis has made her reflect on her life and she wants to apologise to you and make amends?

No, she just needs some chores done.

Oh well then.

@Pandasandtigers “My dad told me years ago my mother had written me out her will because that’s how nasty she is”

My mother has never said this to me but I’ve heard from my siblings that’s she’s threatened it in front of them if I don’t step up contact with her soon. Really just shows how nasty they are doesn’t it. I don’t care, I have my own child to protect and another on the way - they matter much more to me than inheritance!

I totally agree that you’ve got more importance of things than inheritance.

But my god, it’s a final act of spite from your “mother”

Enjoy your children, something she was unable to do.

❤

Thats not their decision to make, its yours and its fine if you decide that you want to stay NC

"They tell me often ‘you only have one mum you need to let go of the past'."

But you have let go of the past, in as much as you've dealt with it and made your own life, in spite of her targeted cruelty. Letting go of the past doesn't mean you pretend it didn't happen, and offer her the care and kindness she was never prepared to extend to you.

Well, it doesn't sound as though your mother is in a fit state to walk the dog, so it is tour siblings and the poor dog you would be helping really

There are dog walkers and OP does not have to walk her mother's dog.

OP - Your mother was once young and abusive and now she is old, ill and abusive.

She has not changed in all those intervening years. Such people never apologise let alone accept any responsibility for their actions.

She has basically used your siblings as flying monkeys sent into do her bidding.
You do not owe your mother (a woman not worthy of the term) anything now, let alone a relationship of any sort.

Maintain no contact with them all including your flying monkey siblings.

I’m not sure that I agree that the siblings should’ve/could’ve protected the OP from their mother. Children can’t be held responsible for an adult’s actions.

Even as adults, people are often unable to stand up to their parents, because they’ve been conditioned not to challenge them.

Hi Op,

My mum was an alcoholic growing up. Not abusive but extremely neglectful. I have 3 other siblings who all experienced the same. I haven't been no contact with her but one of my sisters was for 9 years.

She was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2 years ago and passed away last year. My sister got back in contact with her knowing she hadn't changed and she wasn't going to.

We all did a lot for my mum in the last few months of her life that she didn't really deserve but truly we don't regret it. We know that we were true to ourselves and did what we did because we are caring humans.

In the last day of my mums life I can honestly say watching her being so poorly all my anger and resentment left me that day.

I would never tell anyone what to do because it's truly up to you and you need to do what's best for you. All my siblings did what they were comfortable with and there was never any pressure from any of us to do xyz as we all cope with things differently.

I think ultimately you do need to put yourself first and ask yourself what you are comfortable with and how you might feel once she's no longer here.

Do your siblings know about your abuse? If they do, it is unacceptable for them to put pressure on you to help with your mother. You had a completely different experience growing up. I very much doubt that your mother has changed and you will get hurt again if you try and help her.

Excellent post!

I will add this - firstly, NO she will not have genuinely changed.

And my brief story in case it helps you make up your mind. My mum was a lovely and good mum but my dad was an abusive and bad dad.

My mum fell very ill when i was a teenager. When she was in the last few months of her life, i was 19. She told me to get far away, stay away and never, ever come back to help my dad in any circumstance.

Which i did. He ended up marrying a Russian woman much younger than him who ended up in the role my mum feared would fall to me. (Playing nursemaid to him)

She did end up with his entire estate on his death which might have been worth it to her but she had to put up with him for 20 years so i guess she earned it.

My mum gave me that advice because she cared about me. Please do not be sucked in to this.

I will pass on the same advice. Get away. Stay away. (Just don't expect any inheritance!!!!)

As your mum is terminally ill a request can be made to the Cinnamon Trust to walk the dog - they may have volunteers in the area who are looking to help with dog walking.

I totally understand why you may find it hard to take your mum to hospital appointments etc. If you wanted to support your siblings I wondered if there was anything you could do to support them so they have more time to run around after your mother? For example, batch cooking for them or for your mother but done from your house or help your siblings with their children etc?

I know it is horrible to live with a parent who treats siblings differently - there is no right answer but I hope you find the balance that is right for you

This is a really unfair comment , i don't think someone who has been abused has to 'make an excuse'.

Did she even try to facilitate a relationship before she was sick?

If the answer is no, and she's only contacted you now she needs help, then my answer would be no to helping, I would help my sibling with arranging things, and that is it.

They couldn’t have and they must have been terrified in case she turned on them at any point. I totally understand why they went to their rooms or never took my side in arguments.

Completely understandable that you don't want to help your mother directly and that's absolutely your choice to make, but if the siblings are doing it all and you want to contribute something, how about helping them so their load isn't so heavy?

Cleaning, shopping, admin, whatever they'd find useful, so that you could know you were chipping in without any need to see her at all

OP without being brutal, or maybe I am, how near the end of life is your mother?
Having cared for two terminally ill parents, one who was gone in a matter of months and one who managed to live for four years, I think it’s important to know before you make any decision.
You’ve only got one mum. Well, not all mums are mothers. Yours was abusive.
Ask yourself this - if you suddenly became very ill would she be turning up on a rota to care for you?
I have a feeling that your siblings are feeling the load of being carers and you are being roped in as relief. That is not good enough, I’m afraid.
This country is full of elderly, terminally ill people who don’t have a single helper nearby. Maybe their partner died and they had no children, or their kids live abroad.
If you have worked hard to overcome your abuse, the last thing you need is to give your mum one last pop at you. If you helped with her care would she suddenly be gracious and loving?
You have to protect yourself here in the same way you did when you left - nobody was there to help you then, you had to go it alone. There was literally nobody but you and you were very, very young.
My one lovely mum had a terrible childhood and helped care for her own horrible mother. It was awful to see. Right up until the end there was not a glimpse of love or gratitude.
I don’t have the right answer but in this instance choose the path which will afford you the most protection.

Let’s look at this differently maybe, imagine you are the loving mother and your daughter was expected to go back to her abuser and look after this person until she dies, which could be years even decades away - despite the lack of remorse for the abuse she suffered, would you encourage her to do this?

Or would you give her a big hug, stroke her hair and say you have been through more than enough, the others that had a childhood free of abuse can step up now. You don’t need to put yourself through this. You can be kind to your mother from afar but you will not be asked to do any of the care jobs.

I am sorry op, but your siblings didn’t care enough to protect you then, and it is the sane now. You are still being served up to save them. They are still failing to put your safety first. They have been allowed to ignore the truth/your abuse for far too long.

If you were my sister there is no way I would want you within a country mile of this situation, even if it made things much harder for me. The pattern of your needs being at the bottom of the family’s list and largely irrelevant, continues well beyond your dm. So it’s now on you to put yourself first, and be the mother you never had.

Well said @Savingthehedgehogs

1. Call the cinnamon trust, they’ll walk the dog. He matters.
2. how dying is she? Final appts for pain pills sound ok; five years of unpaid housekeeper and carer, not so much.
3. Take her for a coffee and say you’d like an apology or closure from her ‘so you can move on’.
4. Decide about anything more after 3.
5. Don’t get your hopes up.

I wouldn't be that sure that she actually needs someone from a charity to walk the dog - there are the other siblings, she presumably has friends and neighbours and other family members, and financially she may be perfectly able to pay for a dog-walker. There's also borrow-my-doggy and things like that if it is to be ongoing.

She may just be asking OP because she wants OP to do it, rather than she needs OP to do it.