Would you help a parent in this situation?

[feelingbadinadoormatway]

Been NC with DM for years . Recently she contacted me and I thought I will keep it limited as I’m aware via siblings she has a terminal diagnosis.
We’ve spoken briefly a few times . I’ve tried to keep it to neutral topics it’s been ok.

I was NC due to emotional abuse when I was a child and teenager and I left home very young.

Yesterday she called me as she is feeling unwell and asked me to please help her next week with walking her dog once a day and taking her to some appointments and shopping. I was quite shocked she asked. I got a bit muddled up and just said I wasn’t sure and ended the call. My
siblings have now asked can I please help as they are doing so much and need me to step up as well ?

I don’t feel I can do it. But I feel guilty ?! Why ???? I know logically i shouldn’t feel guilty

Ps. Don't try to explain to your mum why you can't do everything that she wants as it is really easy to get manipulated.

" I'm sorry mum, I know you are disappointed about that but it just doesn't work for me." Don't get drawn into whys and wherefores. If she strops/ insults/ manipulates/shames you/cries/ then don't engage. It will probably trigger traumatic feelings in you so try and acknowledge that for yourself but stay firm and calm with her as much as you can". I hear your upset but this is what I'm offering/ what works for me." She won't like it but she can't change it.

Mine lives at a distance from me and I can only face staying one night with her. I'd prefer no to do that but the distance is too far for a day trip. She tries to shame me by making sharp comments in front of others about "perhaps next time you could stay for more than one night." It hurts and triggers trauma but it just actually means that I go down less often than I might do otherwise.

If you did help I’d make sure every time she knows this is to help your siblings not her. If you stay away then your siblings should understand and accept but it sounds as if they won’t. Does this mean that you will end up on NC or strained relationship with them and how would you feel about that? Whatever you decide I wish you all the best. (This sounds calculating and harsh, but if she hasn’t got very long left might it help you in your decision to decide if you can help your siblings not your mother?)

Similar thing here except it was Father, not Mother, and I had been NC with him for 25 years. At 82 he ran out of wives and girlfriends and the ability to attract anymore women/caretakers so through Flying Monkeys said I would be taking care of him now going forward. Flying Monkey said, "Meet your Dad on this date and time at this restaurant to discuss."

Ya right. Hard pass.

I knew him well enough to know the demands and manipulations would come fast and furious. He did not care about me. He cared about being taken care of by me and controlling me, and superficially he could check the box "Good Dad" for all the world to see. After I ignored his demand to appear at the restaurant to obtain my instructions, all he had left was my sibling who has never been good at adulting and was too self absorbed to notice Dad didn't like him either. But sibling handled it as best he could - not great.

Dad dies and leaves behind hundreds of journals going back 40 years detailing how much he hated me.

Sibling just couldn't handle the post-death tasks, so I did all of that - going through papers and talking to a probate lawyer, although Dad's will clearing states "Grendell is to get NOTHING from my estate." Probate lawyer was entertained somewhat because usually the "responsible sibling" is not the "disinherited sibling". We had a good laugh because Dad had no assets to distribute. His debt exceeded $100,000 USD.

I have zero regrets. Not bitter. Not angry. Our relationship had run its course 25 years ago.

So, I get you OP, I do!

Such a difficult situation. Removing all emotion, she is not your problem. Your siblings want to help (I assume) they should only do what they can and respect you're not a part of her life anymore. I can't imagine your mother is feeling remorse for her behaviour, she just sees you as being able to help.

Op I am in a similar situation minus the terminal diagnosis. I am imagining that scenario, and I think you have to do the right thing for you. So you can live comfortably and freely throughout this period and afterwards when your mother has passed away.

Is there anything you would like to do? Or feel comfortable doing that would assist your sister?

Can you order the food shopping delivery, do the admin and organising, these types of jobs would offer help to your sibling without too much exposure or time with your dm.

I am sorry op but I suspect this bridge building is rooted in roping you back in to serve their needs, it is not motivated by remorse from your mother or any real acknowledgement of your suffering and I suspect this is why it’s so hard for you.

Your abuse is still being ignored, glossed over and buried so you can play your supporting role. In your place I would find that very hard, maybe even impossible too.

You are again going to have your childhood abuse minimised and ignored again. You could find it traumatising re entering the family unit.

I would consider your options really carefully, talk it through with a therapist and get some proper support in place. You really are going to need it as this situation progresses.

It’s a tall order to fulfil these expectations and wishes when you have already been through the agony of losing your mother the first time. Look after yourself. The feelings of loss may be overwhelming at times. But you have done nothing wrong - living within the truth and showing yourself some respect and compassion for a child that has suffered terribly at the hands of the one person that should have loved you unconditionally is extremely challenging at the best of times.

If you have time to walk the dog, I would just do that, because it’s a kindness to the dog, IYSWIM.

Her prognosis doesn't erase her past actions or who she is, though.

If she was remorseful and trying to make amends to the daughter she abused, apologising for the way she treated her, that might make a difference.

But she's not, she's refused to talk about it and done nothing to resolve things - just talked trivia and then jumped to asking for help with chores & appointments.

The mum has other family around to ask for help. OP is estranged for good reason, she doesn't need to be guilted back into ignoring her own mental wellbeing for the sake of a woman who abused her.

Simply tell her you aren't able to commit to caring for the dog. Is she recieving PIP/Attendance Allowance for her illness? If not you should help her put in a claim. Those benefits are meant to pay for people to get carers, dog walkers, pay for taxis etc.
If she isn't mobile then she can get hospital transport to and from the appointments.
You can signpost her to these things but don't commit to doing these errands yourself. you've got your own life and responsibilities.

You reap what you sow.

She hasn't changed OP...they don't and can't change and I think you know that really.

I live with my elderly covert narcissist mother. She's affected me hugely although as a child and teenager she was focused on scapegoating one of my older sisters. My sister has been more or less NC for maybe twenty years. Now I don't like my sister much but I recognise that a scapegoated daughter is going to be resentful towards siblings who were treated better. But even though I don't like her, I wouldn't expect her to help care for our mother. Our mother has treated her terribly and she isn't under any obligation to help. Our mother still dislikes her and still talks scathingly about her eating disorder with no recognition of the part she played in creating it.

What I would say is that living with my mother and going through a year of absolute hell has really brought it home to me just how vile she can be when she 'switches' into psycho mode. She doesn't care about destroying relationships just as long as her silly delusion about herself is maintained. It's only been in the last few weeks that I feel that I've properly detached from her and my family. I think I've learned to manage her....although I'm sure she'll find some new tactics soon. This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't lived with her and seen her with her mask removed. It's like she's no longer taking my energy and making me exhausted and ill.

I still wouldn't recommend that for you though because I don't think your mum will be alive long enough and I don't think you're far enough along the path of disentangling yourself from her. You're still hoping that she might become the mother you need and I'm afraid I gave up on that years ago. I'd keep away and continue to work on yourself.

I love dogs, but no, I wouldn't advise doing this. It'll lead to more manipulation and upset for OP.

Children witnessing abuse is also abuse. Appreciate it is not the same, and siblings may not have witnessed it.

Dog walkers, taxis and internet shopping all exist for a reason.

This is true, and if for example, there was a golden child / black sheep dynamic then that can be damaging to the golden child as much as the black sheep.

But it's not OK that the siblings are emotionally blackmailing OP because they've chosen to maintain their relationships with the mum or have different relationships with her.

I think OP you should protect yourself and say no.
She can afford to get help.
Do not allow your siblings whom have no idea what you went through manipulate you.
Ignore the posters who have zero understanding of what it is like to be treated badly and will try and guilt you.
You have zero reason for guilt.

So what?

she presumably knew she was going to die one day?

So why the false remorse now?

There isn't even any false remorse.

The issue with offering help is that this will be just the beginning. A scapegoat child will be expected to do the bulk, the golden child is always protected. So this will be an ever evolving list once op has agreed to it. It’s a damn cheek that she has so brazenly asked these things of you, it doesn’t bode well.

I would also be concerned that your siblings are not respecting your position at all op. They seem to think you should ‘get over’ your past and pitch in, but they haven’t considered the emotional and mental toll this will have on you.

@feelingbadinadoormatway I take it that your siblings didnt try to protect you from your nasty mother? that shows how much they cared about you too then! just please do not bow down to your mothers demands. you have survived without her for a long time now and you will do again. I went no contact with my mother because like yours, she just used to take the piss and use me for her wants. never anything out of love for me. everyone as well as her would come to my house for christmas dinner but she didnt come inbetween times. I would have to visit her and listen to her going on about her grandaughter and her first great grandchild. she was not interested in any of the other grandchildren or great grandchildren. eventually went no contact after the older sis changed her locks. a couple of years later, younger sis phoned me and said she had just been pushed out the nest too! we just left it to big sis who ended up in a wheelchair and the golden grandchild then had to run round after the two of them!! when mother dear?? died, younger sis and I both went to the funeral just to make sure. during the service, there was no mention of either of us. just the favoured grandchildren and eldest daughter. we werent even in the funeral car!! but golden grandaughter's friend was!! I tell you, after I went no contact I was a lot less stressed and even my husband remarked on this! it did result in mother dear?? changing her will and leaving everything to elder daughter but her grandaughter got the house and everything in it. we had always know she wanted to leave it to big sis even though mirror wills with dad said it had to be sold and divided equally!

OP, I’m assuming that interacting with your mum is too painful for you and that’s understandable, especially as she has never reached out with any sort of apology. You say you are confused about it all. But would it help you at all if you could help her out by doing the odd job or two such as walking her dog once a week and getting her shopping in once a week, where you don’t have to have much to do with her. I’m not suggesting you should, just asking how you would feel about that. You absolutely shouldn’t feel obliged to help your siblings if it’s too problematic for you.

I would explore that possibility in your head without referring to your siblings at all and then if you feel you can offer anything like that, put it to your mum in a message directly …something like …Mum I’m sorry you are ill and in need of help. I don’t feel able to help with personal tasks or accompanying you to appoinments. I have a busy schedule but I am prepared to walk your dog every Monday at 5pm if you have him ready for me and I am prepared to drop shopping off to you at the same time if you message your list to me on Sunday night.
If you can start off doing impersonal tasks like that it might help you see your forward with her, whether that’s remaining NC or not.

I would keep your siblings out of any basic communication with your mum to reduce any possibility of drama. They don’t appear to understand the depth of your trauma.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation OP because yet again your mother has had a massively negative effect on you. It's interesting that she has come back when she wants something and not to try and atone or explain herself. As another poster said, her health, or lack of, is not your problem to deal with. I'm sure you wanted or needed a 'mum's help' over the years but didn't get it. Please do what's genuinely right for your own well-being. Hugs

No you shouldn't do anything for her. She abused you when you were small and vulnerable. Block her calls and ignore her. She has not changed, she just wants to use you. Do not allow yourself to be abused. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into anything just because she's your mother! You did the right thing with going no contact.

Someone's probably suggested it already, but a good therapist will help you with these conflicts, whether or not you help your mother.

My feeling aways is, those people who got the good end of things should be the ones to do the work. Those who got the bad end of things have no duty to do anything, & have enough to do looking after themselves.

What were your siblings like growing up? If you have a good relationship with them you could help them by babysitting there kids while they look after your mum. (just a random example) Then you would be supporting your wider family and staying in the loop without getting potentially drawn back into contact with your mother again.

@feelingbadinadoormatway

You don't have to do anything that would be detrimental to your own mental health and wellbeing. So if you feel that this would harm you, then you just say that you've thought about it and must say no. Don't give reasons, they'll all just try to pooh pooh them or play on your sympathies. Then they'll use anger and threats to 'bring you into line'. Don't let them. If your siblings cannot accept the truth and allow you to care for yourself then they can take a long walk off a short pier.

And I hate when people say "You just need to get over it/let bygones be bygones/move forward". They didn't suffer it, they weren't scarred by it so they can keep their opinions to themselves! I am sure you've worked hard to get to where you are today, don't allow others to make you take a step backwards.

If, and I say IF, you are worried that she may have changed (I doubt it) and only if you feel safe in doing so would you want to try walking the dog for a preset time, telling them you'll do it for, say, 2 weeks, then see how you feel? Or that you'll walk the dog but only if you do it to and from one of your sibling's homes? Do NOT do either of these for anyone but yourself. If the thought of it fills you with fear or anxiety or if you feel your siblings will give you a hard time, don't even think of it.

Be true to yourself. You're who you have to 'live with'. Do what is right for you.