Would you help a parent in this situation?

[feelingbadinadoormatway]

Been NC with DM for years . Recently she contacted me and I thought I will keep it limited as I’m aware via siblings she has a terminal diagnosis.
We’ve spoken briefly a few times . I’ve tried to keep it to neutral topics it’s been ok.

I was NC due to emotional abuse when I was a child and teenager and I left home very young.

Yesterday she called me as she is feeling unwell and asked me to please help her next week with walking her dog once a day and taking her to some appointments and shopping. I was quite shocked she asked. I got a bit muddled up and just said I wasn’t sure and ended the call. My
siblings have now asked can I please help as they are doing so much and need me to step up as well ?

I don’t feel I can do it. But I feel guilty ?! Why ???? I know logically i shouldn’t feel guilty

Are you her the very last resort ? I mean that she can’t afford paying for taxis and dog walker. If yes, I might think about it but if she could afford it I would say no.

I have two siblings like this (and one other who is also NC). It has definitely caused some resentment, and my brother and I have accepted that our siblings don’t want much to do with us for going NC.

For you, going NC is/was your way of letting go of the past. You’re not alone in doing this; it’s allowed you to move forward and live your life.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation OP.

I completely understand this. There’s two sides and she’ll play whichever she needs at the time. I think you need to speak with someone who can help you come to terms with a decision not to help.

It's not about what you can't do, it's about what you can do. Take responsibility for laying out to siblings and mum what you can do. Whatever that is. Be it walk the dog on Monday and Wednesday or arrange a dog walker, or organise and pay for one taxi. Or nothing at all.
But tell them all asap so everyone can make proper arrangements with your input in mind.

I wouldn't help either. She is the person supposed to love you most. The fact that she didn't is a double betrayal. Would you help an abusive friend who was no longer in your life? If not, then don't help her either because she is much much worse than the friend.

Explain to your siblings why though if you haven't already. Use the word abusive, and say that abusers don't deserve favours just become they're old. I'd say that you are sorry you are unable to take any of the load from them, and suggest that if they feel they're doing too much that DM could pay for some of the help. If you have a great relationship with your siblings you could offer to do some other chores for them that doesn't involve helping your mother, such as walking their dogs, school runs, whatever. Or is there a father in the picture who is likely to need help? You could offer to step up more with him?

I think a lot depends on whether you want a relationship with your sibling(s) they will not necessarily forgive you for not helping out and they may not accept what you are classifying as abuse

Obviously the siblings will have opinions about it and would prefer someone else took some of the caring over.

But I'd wonder if these sibling relationships actually that healthy for OP? If there was favouritism / a black sheep/golden child dynamic for them, it's likely this has created dysfunction in the sibling relationships. It might be very convenient indeed to draw OP back in to bear the brunt of their mother's demands and as the whipping boy.

As weird as this may sound (or not) think about if you might regret it in future if you don’t help. If you think you might then decide what you are willing to offer and do that. Don’t not help and then torture yourself with regrets after she’s gone- there’s nothing to be done about it at that point. A hard learned lesson for me.

Apart from financial side other things to consider:
as you left home early it might mean that you never had any sort of support mental, physical and financial whereas your siblings had and I know it doesn’t work like this but maybe they need to return mum all efforts and leave you in peace.
Also why was such a difference in treatment between you and siblings? If it’s not something that passed the dynamics might stay the same walking dogs or not and might be very very upsetting for you afterwards when you would feel used.
I know you didn’t put details but the devil in the details always.

You aren't going to get what you want/need from her and it will hurt you more.

I'm sorry for your siblings having to manage this but if they really understand what you went through, they would respect your position.

I would keep your distance and offer support to your siblings in other ways if you can.

Op, I was NC with my mother for several years. My brother accepted and respected that, and didn't once try and guilt me into providing help or support to her.

I wouldn’t help. You reap what you sow and I will be leaving it to my siblings if my mother ever needs help. I won’t be guilt tripped either, she felt no guilt treating an innocent child like shit.

My dad told me years ago my mother had written me out her will because that’s how nasty she is, again, couldn’t care less. Let my siblings take it all, but they take providing all the care too.

I would say think of yourself. One of my siblings and I did not speak to our father for the last 15 years of his life. I absolutely do not regret it. We are now not close to our mother as she always put our father first. The remaining sibling ( golden child) does a few things for her but not a lot. If she needed help I would organise things from the other end of a phone but no more. My mother no longer tells me she is lonely because I just ask her if she wants to go into a home. I think it is easier for me because my sibling is also in the same position but you should resist sibling pressure. It is not your problem.

This is most likely what's happening.

She's already hasn't respected your decision to be NC. If she had genuinely changed she'd have told you she's sorry for what she did to you and asked you to consider being in contact again. She didn't, she stuck to small talk and then went straight in to asking you for practical help.

You have no obligation to be the dutiful daughter now. And your siblings, who weren't abused by her, don't get to guilt trip you or tell you what to do.

Your siblings have their own relationship with your DM. If they have chosen to remain in her life then that is up to them, but they can't insist you do the same. You are not letting them down by not "helping them", if your mother's actions are the reason you went no contact.

They are laying blame at the wrong door. The question should not be "oh, FeelingBad! Why won't you help us care for mum?!" it should be "Oh, mum! Why did you alienate FeelingBad to such an extent she now doesn't want to help us help you?!".

People are not obliged to care for relatives. Anyone who wants to can do so. Those people can't insist other people do too, in the interests of "being fair". You shouldn't make decisions to help a family member that you'll resent because other family members don't want to do the same.

Some people are toxic. The fact that they become elderly and eventually die is a fact you know when you go no contact, so if that was something that was going to "change" you wanting to be no contact you wouldn't do so to begin with. It's not like it's not inevitable. It'd be more bizzare to only go NC with someone until they want your help with something, and use the sympathy vote to get it.

You can let go of the past for your own mental and emotional health … which it sounds like you’ve done by going no contact. Absolutely does not mean you have to help someone who abused you. Absolutely not. It’s very easy to say you only have one mum/dad family is everything/blood is thicker than water blah blah blah … but if you’ve been abused by someone to the point where you’ve gone nc… that’s not easy. Yes you do only have one mum. And she abused you and that is heartbreaking and now you don’t really have a mum because of her actions. You absolutely do not have to help. Which I know is easier said than done. I hate when people say oh you only have one dad… yes I do. And he was an abuser and I’m sad about that because I wanted to have a dad who wasn’t an abuser. Put yourself first here because you’ve been through enough.

Do you feel that therapy might help? It sounds as though you're unsure whether your desire to help comes from a place of "people pleasing", talking it through with an impartial professional may help you work through everything.

I think you should be really clear and to the point with your siblings.
I do not feel comfortable having a relationship with our mother because she was abusive to me as a child and teenager. I have grieved the loss of a mother daughter relationship and don't feel able to participate in her care.

I am assuming as well that she has never helped you as an adult, never given up time to look after your children etc.

You don't need to feel guilty. You have no expectations of her and she should have none of you.

Said no person ever that has suffered abuse!

it’s worse when you’re the only one in the family to suffer as well! It’s the whole why me, was I bad.

Decline helping, your mother is reaping what she sowed.

❤️

The only answer to that is "I have let go already".

Do your siblings acknowledge that you were abused and they weren't, or do they think you were making a fuss over nothing / it didn't happen?

I'm not in an identical situation but similar "vibes".

You need to protect your own mental health first.

Don't torture yourself with thoughts of "she might have changed" as this is very unlikely.

The only thing you are actually in charge of is your own boundaries.

So decide what you are willing to do assuming she has not changed (if she as changed which is highly unlikely you will find that out by how she behaves and can re-think your boundaries at that point)
It might be " I can walk the dog once a week on Monday/Saturday ( or whatever) and arrange a dog walker that you pay for on the other days.

I can take you to the appointment on Wednesday but not Friday (your boundary might be that you can take her to one appointment a week)

If you send me a shopping list I can arrange an online delivery for you.

Think about things you might do that are lower contact eg, could you have the dog at yours for a weekend?

These are just examples. It is entirely up to you. My advice would be to start by offering something pretty small and being clear that this is all you are offering offering. See how you feel
You can always increase what you do, if by some miracle she behaves very differently ( she won't though)

With your siblings, you could explain that you are low contact in order to protect your mental health. You can't just let things go as trauma isn't like that. It hangs around and you have to find ways to manage it. Your way is to be very low contact. They can't tell you how to manage it. Hold boundaries with them too.

If you are not used to it and have a family history of manipulation then holding a boundary without feeling guilty is hard. It may help to keep telling yourself " I am doing this to look after my mental health. It doesn't help anyone if I become ill and my mum ( and by the sound of it your siblings) can't/won't be mindful of your needs.

If you can afford it some counselling/ psychotherapy might be useful (some workplaces have schemes). You might also find it helpful reading about relational trauma and cptsd ( not the same as PTSD) and there are lots of articles online.

I think these podcasts are very good
https://insightpodcast.com/about-us/

No, I wouldn't help.

I cut my parents off years ago as they were abusive. I feel zero guilt as I remember what they did to me.

You're allowed to put yourself first. She's facing the consequences of her actions. Fuck her and take care of yourself. These sorts of people rely on you being a nicer person than they are, they know that the abuse they've put you through makes you vulnerable to these requests for help now because they have impacted your confidence and self worth. Don't let her use you now she's struggling. 💐

My sister did nothing when my mother was dying (no estrangement, she is just bone idle). It pretty much finished our relationship. If you do anything, it is for them, not her. That is how I would look at it, anyway.

She's dying fgs

You reap what you sow - this in now true for your mum. I can understand feeling guilty, but you mustn’t. It sounds like you have very little contact for a good reason. It also sounds like your siblings don’t fully understand because they wasn’t abused like you were. I wouldn’t start to help because they’ll just expect more and more. It won’t just stop at dog walking or appointments.

She's dying fgs

And? Everyone does. Even abusers. It doesn't mean you have to help them.