Would you help a parent in this situation?

[feelingbadinadoormatway]

Been NC with DM for years . Recently she contacted me and I thought I will keep it limited as I’m aware via siblings she has a terminal diagnosis.
We’ve spoken briefly a few times . I’ve tried to keep it to neutral topics it’s been ok.

I was NC due to emotional abuse when I was a child and teenager and I left home very young.

Yesterday she called me as she is feeling unwell and asked me to please help her next week with walking her dog once a day and taking her to some appointments and shopping. I was quite shocked she asked. I got a bit muddled up and just said I wasn’t sure and ended the call. My
siblings have now asked can I please help as they are doing so much and need me to step up as well ?

I don’t feel I can do it. But I feel guilty ?! Why ???? I know logically i shouldn’t feel guilty

I haven't read the whole thread so very likely someone has mentioned the cinnamon trust who are a charity set up to find dog walkers for elderly/in-firm/terminal pet owners.

Re your question, I would help to help out my siblings (assuming you want a relationship with them to continue after your mums death?)

After a long think last night I’m only prepared to do admin that doesn’t mean direct contact. So I’d be fine to do online shopping if I have access to the account, arrange taxis for appts , arrange a dog walker etc

I think that’s a wise decision. You can still be helpful in that way. I hope your family understand that this is your trying your best 🤞🏻 x

OP, be very careful.
These things are hard to do without contact.
Please put yourself first.

That sounds like a good idea, OP, but really I meant helping the siblings with their actual jobs rather than your mother

Ignore me if it's a lousy idea, but I just wondered if it might be a way to help them with the load, with no need to be in touch with your mother at all

Edited to add, if you do go with doing anything for her, I'd be very careful about access to her accounts. Given the way she's behaved I can just see accusations flying

That’s true I hadn’t thought of that , I don’t want to do nothing as I’d feel in general like a bad person but if I’m going to do anything I need to protect myself from her

If you do nothing, you're not a bad person. The people who are making you feel that way (IRL) don't have your best interests at heart.

But that means they are AWARE of how she treated you.

No, it is not fair of them to try and draw you back into her toxic sphere, and I feel even more sure that they are doing her bidding here. They still don't want her to turn on them.

Stay NC. Tell your siblings, when they "tell me often ‘you only have one mum you need to let go of the past ‘", that they are being unkind to you and that they need to stop it.

Yes and even with that op, you are not obliged to continue if it becomes too much. Your well being has to come first. Your mother has lots of help. She is not alone. It’s about time the family understood the reality of this for you.

All these adults holding on to grudges and living in the past ...

The pressing need is the dog needing care and being exercised.

Can't you all rise above it and see past your own feelings and make sure the dog is ok, perhaps even rehomed if your mother can't look after it properly.

@Attelina I agree that the dog mustn’t be allowed to suffer, some dog walking arrangements must be made and a discussion had about where the dog will go in the future.

i do feel for you, OP. My Dad wasn’t anything like as awful as your Mum, but he wasn’t exactly a great Dad either, very unreliable and self-centered towards both me and my Mum.
But I do support him now that he’s an elderly widower, because I’d feel bad if I didn’t. It’s more about my own feelings, IYSWIM.

You do what feels right for you, regardless of what others say. 💐

Tell me you’ve not suffered or been close to someone who suffered abuse from a parent, without telling me.

The mother can rehome her own dog. It’s not difficult. Yes it may make her sad, but that’s life and you reap what you sow.

@Mamabobogo People deal with situations differently though. I’ve been told by family members not to bother with my Dad, but I feel better in myself doing so.

I was responding to @Attelina essentially saying “get over it”.

I’m not being unkind but I can’t prioritise a dog over my own sanity. There are , including my mother - 4 adults who can arrange care for the dog

She does have a garden too so I feel like it’s not a walk but he has access to outside space

Then you need the courage of your convictions and actually go no contact as you say you've gone no contact but you've really only gone low contact and have now tied yourself up in a knot in a situation that you couldn't deal with when your mother contacted you!

Just block her in everything and never speak again and let your siblings carry on.

If the siblings make demand stick to your guns and say ive relinquished all contact and will not be involved in anything to do with her.

You must turn up at the funeral either.

Absolutely.

She has your siblings, i assume she has neighbours & friends & wider family, there are dog walking services if she has the money, and there's borrow-my-doggy and the cinnamon trust as recommended loads of times.

There's no reason in the world the dog walking needs to fall to you.

The dog is nothing to you.
Certainly not your responsibility.
Your siblings are thinking of themselves and may be manipulated by her.
Dying or not I wouldn't trust her.

Excellent point about her throwing accusations about you if you were anywhere near her money.

OP, you are lovely but you really need to steel yourself.
You are so vulnerable to being used and abused again.

Step away from this.
It will only bring you stress, grief and further upset.

OP can turn up at the funeral, is she wants, she may get closure for it all finally being over.

You’re incredibly bossy, over bearing and seem to think your the gods authority. You also lack empathy, makes me wonder if you’ve got DCs, low or no contact.

She’s manipulating you, you know that.

Are you her mother? What doesn’t she rise above her daughter thinking she’s an abuser and just give a heartfelt apology and go to therapy.

Abusers are owed nothing but our absolute contempt.

Tell me you don't understand trauma without telling me you don't understand trauma.

When you have been genuinely traumatised as a child, you can't just "get over it". The trauma emotions hang around as fresh as the day they were evoked and can be triggered by various things but being in contact with the person that caused them is a big one obviously.

With lots of therapy you can work towards a different way of being where the traumatic feelings are not triggered quite so easily but you can never get rid of it, just change your relationship to it and rebuild a " post-traumatic " self.

Even with lots of therapy being with the person that caused the trauma is going to be tricky. And if they are still likely to continue the same manipulation/verbal criticism and abuse etc it is almost certain to trigger very strong traumatic feelings that are incredibly unpleasant and also exhausting to deal with..

It may take the op days or even weeks to get back onto a more even keel emotionally and when you factor in still having to work and deal with home responsibilities it can be horrendously tiring. Then If the op were to see her mum again before she is able to recover her equilibrium she will be re-traumatised further. This will most likely be incredibly damaging to her mental health that she has probably worked at for years to build and maintain.

No one would put themselves through the above willingly and not should they.

I have know a few people (myself included) who were no contact/low contact with a toxic parent. When said parent became infirm/very unwell the DC returned to help (with healthy boundaries) to assist.
In my case and others I know it was an opportunity to have same kind of relationship with toxic parent who had changed considerably.
In my case my DF got dementia and stopped a lifelong addictive behaviour which had made him a distant yet mean & controlling parent. His dementia seemed to destroy the horrible side of him and he was finally relaxed and good company.
It was very healing to help when I could and also enjoy pleasant time together before he died. I did it because I think family is important, my siblings would have been doing my 'share' if I didn't and although my DF was a shit parent, worse than shit, he was the only DF I had and it was up to me to respond to rise above the hurts of the past and reclaim my power by choosing how the relationship would be from now on.
Myself and my siblings were traumatised by him and the dynamic between him and my DM, but these things can be explored and resolved, not just put in a box and left to fester forever.
We had also lost my DM a few years earlier and that taught us that regret, loss and grief are incredibly hard to live with, much harder when there are unresolved issues between you.
I can now say I loved my parents which before I never thought I could have, because I got a chance to have a relationship on my terms.

I've seen this happen with my friends and their parents too.
It can't happen in every case, and sometimes a parent isn't worth the bother, they may have done things that were unforgivable (SA etc) or they may still be trying to be abusive, obviously it's the right thing to walk away from them in those situations.

Not all parents with dementia become less toxic as the illness develops though. Some can become more toxic as they lose any filters they once might have had and create a fantasy version of their lives where everything is ok because actually they did x and y happened which mitigated their abuse ( but is all completely untrue and can be very hard to hear)
They can also become more aggressive/manipulative/accusatory with dementia. I know of a situation where the mother is accusing the daughter of stealing money and other things. She is actually just trying to support and help.