Moving in hell

[UnhappyP1990]

Hi, I've reluctantly just got a house with my partner. We've been moved in 1 week. I'm so unhappy and never felt so down in my life. He has no organisation skills, didn't sort any of the utilities/bills, left his dinner plate on the sofa, leaves all the lights on and today left dirty boxers on the bedroom floor.

He pushed to do the painting, and all week that's all he's done. He's not cooked, cleaned, sorted the kids, done thr washing, nothing. The sink is piled high, waiting for me again.

He agreed to paint in a week (i said lets get a professional in), yet yesterday when it should have been complete, he said the timescale was impossible (we agreed the tasks and timescales TOGETHER on Monday) and its all patchy.

I lay in the spare room last night and cried. I feel like my whole life is ruined.

How on earth could you not know about these, pretty major, character traits before you moved in together?

How long have you been together?

Move back out,
To your parents if nowhere else, while you sort out somewhere more permanent.

It's always a horrendous time when you move but I see that you did say " reluctantly" - why is this the case? Are they his children? Just trying your best to get a clearer picture. Looks like you need to have a serious pow wow about how this moves forward. If not his children then maybe he doesn't see it as his role to help?

Literally what? 🤷‍♀️

Why was it a reluctant move? That's the kicker here.

He won't change so start thinking on what YOU can change. Some mortgages insist you stay in the house for a certain length of time so check what that is. I believe some insist on six months but yours might not be. I'm assuming you bought the house 50/50 rather than just one of you (which makes it easier).

You mention you moved in with him reluctantly? Why were you reluctant and what made you ignore your feelings about it?

Is this the first time you've lived with him?

I think the best thing you can do here is sit down with him and discuss expectations and boundaries. There will naturally be differences in your standards and what tasks you prioritise, how you approach things and what things will bother each of you. You need to lay all of that out (both of you) and then both of you need to make conscious effort to be mindful of each others needs. It's only been a week so better to do this now, in a non attacking/defensive way and see if things improve.

Have you both bought the house together?

How has this situation arisen? Can you explain a bit more of the back story?

I mean the short answer is to move one of you back out again as soon as you can 🤷🏼‍♀️

How long have you been together? Did you live together before ? Is this new behavior? Did you know nothing about how he lived previously? Do you work or stay home ?

@UghFletcher - a few people have asked, why reluctantly because some of these traits begun to emerge after I agreed to move. I constantly heard from him that moving would show me, he could step up, we would be a team and that he could show he could be more helpful and supportive. I feel like a clown. It's 100 times worse than I thought it could be

Can't give any input until we have more details 👍

I really hope you are renting / can afford the house on your own / can move out / can tell him to move out. It sounds truly awful.

Is the relationship the kind where you can say now, “Dude, look around- there’s dishes in the sink, jobs not finished when we BOTH agreed the timeframe, I have done xyz chores and taken care of the kids and you have done nothing but create a mess. I’m worrying that you have made promises that you have no intention of keeping.”

If you can say this- say it. See if he can see your point and step up. If you can’t, or he can’t, then I would go back to my first response- one of you needs to move out.

Lay it all out op. Really crystal clear and give it a set time frame within which you need to see change or you'll move back out. See what happens. If he does start stepping up then you know he's capable and if he stops that's a choice.

@AlertCat - YES! This is the exact conversation I had last night. And he said
I should have ...
I didnt realise I was so tunnel visioned on the painting
I should have ....
I should have ...
And I'll do better. I need to do better and I will.

Then today:
He asks how to use the coffee machine - literally put water in, put a tab in and press go.
And he leaves dirty boxers on the floor, the bed half made and the curtains drawn and swans off to football

I'd rather do all of the above than paint.
Is it working full time on top of painting ?
Sounds like he needs 'housetraining'
Most men do.
Yes they are some modern men.
But remember, behind every hood man , is an even better woman.

I do all the DIY in this house and I usually let household stuff take a back seat when I'm painting. It takes a lot longer than you imagine, is he getting on with it?

I had the same speech when I finally agreed to by a house with my ex. He never changed. 10yrs down the line I was little more than the skivvy and I really really resented him and he made me feel worthless. This probably won’t get better unless he takes you seriously.

What are your options if nothing works out? Do you rent together, own, what?

Did you move from somewhere else where you lived separately? If so, how long were you living apart from each other (full time)?

I think you are overwhelmed by things just now. It is only a week, although the signs are not good. Have you a plan for getting out - if you can?

Is it the jobs or the fact he's abandoned you for football one week of moving house?

Edit - Withdrawn my response because I didn't spot the word Kids.

What a shitshow. What an arsehole. Boot him out

Are the children his?

Tunnel vision on painting that he hasn't completed and hasn't done well, how old is he? It's painting. 3 rooms in a day easily achieved.

Swanning off to football when nothing in the house has been finished would be the end for me. Absolutely not.

So give it another day only. Then again, “Dude, your kecks are on the floor, the bed isn’t made, you’re out all afternoon at football. Yesterday you promised you would try. When are you going to start picking up after yourself and taking an equal share of parenting and domestic life? Because I won’t live like this, I’m not an servant, and if you can’t or won’t shape up by [date] I [or you] am moving out.”

What’s the story with the kids?

@TammyJones I'm not all that bothered about the football, I was actually gratefully he was out my face. I'm annoyed that the expectation is I'll clean up after him and four children.

I work full time too. In fact it was my last day at my current job. And starting a new job next week. So that's been added stress.

I'm super independent and my life runs like clockwork and I feel like I've taken on an extra child, with having him