Moving in hell

[UnhappyP1990]

Hi, I've reluctantly just got a house with my partner. We've been moved in 1 week. I'm so unhappy and never felt so down in my life. He has no organisation skills, didn't sort any of the utilities/bills, left his dinner plate on the sofa, leaves all the lights on and today left dirty boxers on the bedroom floor.

He pushed to do the painting, and all week that's all he's done. He's not cooked, cleaned, sorted the kids, done thr washing, nothing. The sink is piled high, waiting for me again.

He agreed to paint in a week (i said lets get a professional in), yet yesterday when it should have been complete, he said the timescale was impossible (we agreed the tasks and timescales TOGETHER on Monday) and its all patchy.

I lay in the spare room last night and cried. I feel like my whole life is ruined.

YES you fucking can!

Aha so it’s now clear why he was so keen, two of the kids are his. And here you are already saying you’re cleaning up after FOUR kids while he’s at the football.

no.

not even for the duration of one game.

You haven’t taken on an extra child, you’ve taken on three. And that’s absolutely peachy for him.

You know him well enough to know that this isn’t a blip, this isnt teething issues, this is him - so you know exactly what ‘working through it’ will entail. A cycle of you crying, being stressed, ‘nagging’ while your kids watch. With him cycling desperately (because he’s finally struck the man-child jackpot and like hell will he let go quietly) between promising to do better and giving it half-assed attempts, then getting pissed off with being ‘nagged’ to do his share. Relationship ends in tatters after a year tops with your kids suffering quite a lot.

So no I would absolutely not do this and I would immediately right this wrong. It was the WRONG DECISION.

Don't be so hard on yourself @UnhappyP1990 we all make mistakes. It doesn't sound like you and this guy are compatible. But don't throw the towel in just yet, maybe a deadline of a few weeks if you think his other qualities worth trying to salvage a relationship. Otherwise the previous advice upthread is sound. You obviously are a successful woman single parenting your DC and able to afford a nice home etc. This is just a bump in your road, and honestly you'll teach all 4 DC involved a valuable lesson no matter the outcome of this. Good luck!

Sorry you are going through this OP. He sounds hideous.
This is why I promised myself I will never again live with another man after I had a cocklodger for an ex who has put me off for life.
Is it too late to pull of this OP?

Sending you lots of love @UnhappyP1990 . I'm not saying you have to put up with it if it's making you unhappy. If you can't tolerate it, and he's genuinely being a lazy arse, then no. But if you're aware you have v high standards and he's a v good man in all other areas, it might be worth working out how much you can let go.

But as I said, I'm old, and I've mellowed. 20 years ago I would have had zero tolerance and patience!

Remember you'll be exhausted after the house move, and stressed about the new job. Sit with it for a while and see how things pan out. And he may well be trainable !

Trainable!?!. He’s not a dog, he’s a world class lazy bones man.

It is not a woman’s job to train a man. It’s a complete nonsense.

Move out asap OP and love your own self for a change going forward. Get therapy too for yourself re him and work out exactly why you have put up with crumbs.

It’s not throwing in the towel, sometimes it’s about cutting your losses.

Staying in a rubbish, unhappy relationship is not morally or ethically better than being single.

It’s not about training him up, it’s about priorities, values, and compatibility. If you’re not compatible, get out now. Doing it soon is hard, doing it later is much much harder.

His parents have done him no favours at all. I suspect your DP quite possibly genuinely doesn't know how to do washing up properly, doesn't know how to do laundry, doesn't know how to make a bed, doesn't realise cleaning a kitchen means also wiping down the counters and sweeping the floor, etc. If that's the case, just telling him to do more, or even specifically what to do, eg "please clean up after dinner" isn't going to get you anywhere.

It would be like my DH telling me to sort out the car (which he always deals with) - I wouldn't know how to check the wiper fluid, oil level, is there enough air in the tyres, etc. I mean I know these things need to be done and theoretically I roughly know how to do them as I've seen him do it, but if just left to myself I either couldn't do them at all or wouldn't do them well.

If your DP has the right attitude, then I think you need to agree that you are going to give him "adulting 101" classes. Depending on how old the DC are, get them to join in and then at least they are learning these basic life skills at the right age. So "today we are learning how to do a load of laundry. First, washing power goes here. Second, clothes go here. Etc" If he signs up to this, great. If not, bin him.

Also it is not your job to take care of his children, they are 100% his responsibility and it sounds like they have been dumped on you. Please don't waste your whole life like I did hoping things will get better. They never do not with a new kitchen, painting done or anything else.

Short term it is making the most of it.

He gets assigned the jobs that impact him and his the DC the most. All the food shopping- from writing the list to it being in the cupboards and the cooking, I also suggest the laundry.

He will then have the DC on HIS back when food isn't available and nor are their clothes.

Hugs

He conned you. He has no plans to change. He's moved in with you so he can do what he wants and have a live in maid and nanny.

Call his parents to take his kids for the night and tell him it's over. Football over parenting is even worse than him leaving without finishing painting.

You are going to be sacrificing so much to look after this useless man and his children, taking time and energy away from your own children. If you can make it work, financially, without him, do it - a week is long enough. He's shown you exactly who and what he is when he should have been making his best effort.

You don't deserve to go through hell 💐

It is very early days and pretty normal to have doubts … moving is so exhausting and emotional. Could you talk to him about how you feel and establish some ground rules maybe. I hope it all works out for you as it must be confusing for the children.

As for his dirty clothes left on the floor, I would just leave them there. Don't do his washing at all. Eventually the penny will drop and he has to pick up and wash his own clothes.

Curtains and bed, are you not in the same room? So you're both to blame??

He's conned you, hasn't he? Why some parents clean up after fully grown adults I will never understand, there's no wonder he's ended up a fully grown incapable man child.

If you've had enough already it's down to his disrespect behaviour, which you do not have to tolerate whether it's a week or a year.

For now I would leave all his washing where it lies, he can pick up after himself and do his own washing.

Then make moves to separate, get legal advice and make sure your contraception is 100% (although it sounds like his behaviour is effective enough!)

Poor kids.

Jesus wept 🤦‍♀️

Why would anyone do this to their children?? The mind reels.

Put the house on the market, take the loss and move on. He is NOT going to change.

Well said @TheCultureHusks

You should heed her words, OP.

Let him know how disappointed you are.
Write a list splitting jobs.
Don't start picking up after him. If he leaves his clothes all over just put them in one heap.
Don't start doing all the childcare. Seriously a red line.
Give him an ultimatum to start pulling his weight and stick with it.
Be prepared to split up over this.

OP, you say you're super independent but also say you moved in with your partner "reluctantly "
That doesn't sound particularly independent
to me, as presumably you moved in, despite red flags, because you felt pressured to?
As PPs have said, you need to move out.

Just wondering op if there is anything additional going on that he would have needed his parents to clean his house? Does he get really down/drug use/ adhd or other neurodivergence? Just thinking because while those things can make it harder for him to plan and follow through on things and practice good executive functioning there are strategies he can learn to help make it easier.

He totally conned you. Move him out op, for your kids sake at least...

Her kids should not have to endure this, regardless of any root cause.

I understand you're frustrated and disappointed, tbf decorating can zap you of energy and always takes longer then anticipated.. BUT it seems this isn't just a case of moving chaos. Are there things he's really good at ? Practical wise ? I mean he's obviously no good at dishes but can he hoover / mop ? The clothes on the floor I think is a common one for most but that one should be an easy fix, can't go wrong with PUT YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES IN THE BASKET.