Moving in hell

[UnhappyP1990]

Hi, I've reluctantly just got a house with my partner. We've been moved in 1 week. I'm so unhappy and never felt so down in my life. He has no organisation skills, didn't sort any of the utilities/bills, left his dinner plate on the sofa, leaves all the lights on and today left dirty boxers on the bedroom floor.

He pushed to do the painting, and all week that's all he's done. He's not cooked, cleaned, sorted the kids, done thr washing, nothing. The sink is piled high, waiting for me again.

He agreed to paint in a week (i said lets get a professional in), yet yesterday when it should have been complete, he said the timescale was impossible (we agreed the tasks and timescales TOGETHER on Monday) and its all patchy.

I lay in the spare room last night and cried. I feel like my whole life is ruined.

This.
Of course he is aggressive.

Your relationship bar is just so unbelievably low that you don't realise it.
You have walked yourself and your children into sharing a house with an abusive man.

You need to wake up and take it very seriously.
Call Womens aid for support.

You are not trapped, even though you may feel like it. The sooner you end this, the better. If he were serious about making it work, he would be acting differently.

Don't stay just because it looks like failure/giving up. You KNOW the right thing to do. Taking action after making a bad call (which we all have done) is a success. I hope you find the strength to do it.

What's his reaction to you moving out since ge refuses to? He can buy you out or you go to court and force him to sell. He doesn't get to decide that you have to stay in a relationship with him. He's proven to be a useless, lying, bad parent.

I spotted the word children, then I saw 4 children and now I realise it's 2 children each - wow !

and he won't move out, so it's you that needs to move out with your children but can he afford the house on his own ? as you have said you can...

Write him a letter. Say these are the things that need doing in a house. They aren’t operated by a vagina/you as a woman. That he does 50% of everything or you agree who does what. So say he does clothes you do plates.
That if things don’t change you are looking to split now and sell the house/buy him out.

OP abusive behaviour isn't always physical.
Your partner is absolutely being abusive, and controlling.
This is a situation that won't get any better and it's so unfair on the children

Reading through your later posts it seems there were HUGE red flags before moving in together.
And you still went through with it, with children!
Is it possible that you were willing to believe anything because in your mind any man is better than no man?
There seem to be serious self esteem issues here.
Please seek legal advice and end the relationship, however difficult - financially or emotionally - as you and your children deserve better.

A bad hand is just a bad hand. In a game of poker you play your opponent not the cards. Stop being so sentimental and ashamed. You were dealt a bad hand. Or picked bad cards. Ok. Hold them close to your chest and play them wisely. The only thing worse than a bad relationship is one more day in a bad relationship. Just sit him down and tell him it isn’t working and you will buy him out and he needs to move It will never work. He doesn’t have the mental or moral capacity to honor his commitments. It will only get worse.

May I suggest that you need to give this more time.

Slow down

Moving is one of the most stressful things to do.

On top of this you are starting a new job, this is also a stressful time.

Surely, the painting does not have to be done immediately ? Secondly, the preparation for painting is normally what takes the most time.

I would suggest that you find jobs & chores that you are both good at in the next few weeks.
There is no point in him doing the washing up, if he does it poorly. Therefore allocate him another job. Or buy a dishwasher.

Take time to enjoy your new home !

@Raffle123Prizes
And while she is giving him more time to decide if he can wash the pots what would you suggest she does with these little snippets she's mentioned?

Just to add he isn't aggressive. Yes he gets in my space when I try and shut myself away

im a shadow of my old self

Way to miss the point...

Thank you all for your advice and support. I've never felt so low in my life. If the earth could just swallow me up, I would be eternally grateful.

I'm not coping, and I've just gotta find a way to lift my head again. Thank you all.

do you think he could have ADHD? this sounds very much like it

Are ADHD sufferers also liars? Or manipulative? Of course he could be both but if OP is now a shadow of her former self because of him then it doesn't really matter what he is. She needs to get out as quickly as she can.

undiagnosed ADHD growing up with an undignosed parent can lead to a very very dysfucntional home, and childhood trauma. In severe ADHD cases, its borderline narcissism. Lots of people have told her to leave. I am simply suggesting a root cause, and you seen to have interpreted it too far.

@snoopsy - I couldn't make sense of his behaviour and previously did a lot of research around it. I suspected he had something undiagnosed. There is no way a fully grown adult, without an additional need could behaviour like he does.

Further to it, enmeshment is a feature of his relationship with his parents. For example, his parents step in all the time. He doesn't know how to fall from a great height and build resilience because someone's always stepped in. His ex MIL stepped in and moved in when his kids were young and basically parented his kids. This carried out when his marriage broke down. He spends like money is confetti, and his parents gave him money to get out his overdraft. His parents pick up his kids from school. His ex takes the day off work when the kids are unwell. His kids stayed at his parents last night, and picked them up from school today, and did their packed lunch for tomorrow. He has no clue how to do anything because they all pander too him

@LittleGreenDragons - he is a compulsive liar. He went to the pub yesterday - I challenged him and said he left the house for hours to basically slag me off to his family and friends. He denied it. He purposely sent me a screenshot of his WhatsApp and removed his friend to be deceitful. I called him out on it again and he admitted he did "confide" in his best mate, told him half the story. He lies several times a day. And blamed me at one point saying he lies because I put him under pressure. He literally lies about money, he blamed the kids for putting white and coloured washing in the washer - when it was him. He lied about cutting open a pack of wipes rather than just opening them normally. He lies about literally everything!

Not even considering the mess and chaos, the constant lying means that the relationship has no legs. He does not have the tools to manage a decent grown up relationship with another adult. And I suspect it is his parents who are propping up his children.
What a mess. But you can extricate yourself once you’ve given yourself five minutes to breathe, make a plan and gather your support to execute said plan.
Don't waste your energy beating yourself up,
A life spent making mistakes is better than a life spent doing nothing.’ GBS.

Don't blame his parents, ex mil , mother of his children for his behaviour.

The reasons they did/do all that stuff is because he's always been,what he is !

And blamed me at one point saying he lies because I put him under pressure. He literally lies about money, he blamed the kids for putting white and coloured washing in the washer - when it was him. He lied about cutting open a pack of wipes rather than just opening them normally. He lies about literally everything!

Move back out with your two children or get him to move back out with his children. There is no way this is going to work. Once you are back living in separate homes you can decide whether you want to continue to have a relationship with a liar.

This is hell OP and it is never going to get any better. You made a mistake. You knew what he was like before you moved in together but he managed to convince you he would be better. Now is the time to face up to reality. This is what he is like and this is what the rest of your life will look like and your kids' lives too.

I am simply suggesting a root cause, and you seen to have interpreted it too far.
No, I'm just sick to death of it being used as an excuse for an abusive person.

OP - if he is always lying then the foundation of your relationship will be built on grains of sand, forever moving, never stable and very likely to collapse and harming all those inside (including children). This relationship will fail, it's just a matter of when and how much harm will be done. The sooner you get out the sooner you and your children are safe/happier.

Have you spoken to a solicitor regarding the house yet?

You know all this and yet you bought a house with him and moved your poor children in.
Unbelievable.

This man clearly knows how a household works, he's a grown up, he's had children in a relationship of some sort and probably had to look after them himself at some point. Why would anyone think he doesn't know how to adult and that he needs 'training'? Is it because he's male? No on ever says this shit to women or about women. He's a manipulative man who's played the long game and got himself a housekeeper and nanny so he can duck his responsibilities, it's that simple.