Moving in hell

[UnhappyP1990]

Hi, I've reluctantly just got a house with my partner. We've been moved in 1 week. I'm so unhappy and never felt so down in my life. He has no organisation skills, didn't sort any of the utilities/bills, left his dinner plate on the sofa, leaves all the lights on and today left dirty boxers on the bedroom floor.

He pushed to do the painting, and all week that's all he's done. He's not cooked, cleaned, sorted the kids, done thr washing, nothing. The sink is piled high, waiting for me again.

He agreed to paint in a week (i said lets get a professional in), yet yesterday when it should have been complete, he said the timescale was impossible (we agreed the tasks and timescales TOGETHER on Monday) and its all patchy.

I lay in the spare room last night and cried. I feel like my whole life is ruined.

It’s only one week, give it a couple of months at least. I do the painting in my house and can tell you it’s tiring. Painting is tiring, housework is tiring. Is it patchy due to lack of effort or lack of experience? And is he going to go over it with another coat? If you want to get a professional in, be aware that to get the whole house painted room by room will cost you thousands!

I’d move out. Couldn’t live like that.

But you bought the house, not brought.

If your DP has the right attitude, then I think you need to agree that you are going to give him "adulting 101" classes. Depending on how old the DC are, get them to join in and then at least they are learning these basic life skills at the right age. So "today we are learning how to do a load of laundry. First, washing power goes here. Second, clothes go here. Etc" If he signs up to this, great. If not, bin him.

Just what every woman wants, a man they have to treat as a child.

OP. I'd seriously get rid, if it's like this in the first wk it's only going to get worse. His grand predictions were all total horseshit. I'd put the wheels in motion to buy him out.

Are you serious? He can Google that shit. Hoovering isn't complicated like a car engine.

I know I can't throw in the towel after a week

Yes you can. He's not stepped up as per his promises which makes him a liar. You cannot build a relationship on lies as they destroy trust whilst feeding anger and resentment.

Don't stay with a liar. It never ends well.

I think it's worth reflecting on why your happy ever after involves being the cleaner, cook, organiser and nanny for a man and his kids. I don't know but are you also the breadwinner too or at least paying more than your fair share? And thinking of splitting your inheritance with him by paying towards a joint mortgage?
it's a worry that you believe this is what you deserve.

You haven't ruined your life. You can move out again, even though it will be hard.

It's a hard lesson to learn, but you absolutely can move on from this.

Give yourself time to catch your breath and maybe catch up on some good sleep if that's possible.
Then put your big girl pants on and seriously read him the riot act. He either puts his big boy pants on and gets his act together or you're done. Life is way too short.

Well if that wasn't a clue...

Whose children are they?

@MostlyHappyMummyi earn more than him, but .. we both put equal amounts in for the house deposit. And I did the budget planned for us, so we both put equal amounts into the joint account for the house. I pay my childcare expenses. He pays his.

I'd use my inheritance to buy him out the house, if I had too.

I absolutely don't want to clean up and parent a man-child, hence why I feel so deflated, at this being the hand I've now been dealt

A pity really that you believed his nonsense about the move being a chance to "show you he could step up", but as you rightly say hindsight's a wonderful thing

Frankly he sounds a complete slug and the chances of this changing are roughly nil, so I'd cut your losses before the DCs get really used to living together and you start thinking "I'll just give him a couple of months ..."

Fortunately you can afford the place on your own, so for me at least this would be a no-brainer

Ah OP, i feel for you but this is really ridiculous.
You have two children and you have dragged them from their home into this awful mess.
Is it really a man at any cost?
Really?
Why would you want to bring such a mess upon yourself and your children.
This stress is not good for your health.
It certainly isn't good for your children.
He's clearly filthy.
Hes a liar too.
You have been duped by someone who is looking for a skivvy au pair.
I suggest you wipe your tears and get real.

He's a dirty liar who has sold you a pup.
What sort of dirty waster leaves their underwear on the floor.
He must think you are desperate for a man.
Dry your tears and do not act as skivvy for his children.
If you do that, you are lost.
Your children deserve so much better than this.
So do you.
Do not accept being taken for such a mug by this liar.
Time to get real and put yourself and your children first and ruthlessly do what you have to to extricate yourself from this mess.
He's not that dumb, he has deliberately mislead, lied and manipulated you into buying a house.
If only you had rented for 6 months.

@Toopies - the truth is truly ugly and I know you're 120% right. I cant bite back or fight anything you've said.

This is probably why I'm self pitying, because I put my children in this situation KNOWING it was a car crash and holding onto false hope, when I know he's a compulsive liar with a total lack of insight into his deficits. So I don't know why for a second I believed things would be better.

He said today, if I keep talking to him like an idiot, he will behave like an idiot... these are the stupid comments I listen to daily, and yet calling him out on it, isn't acceptable. I'm a shadow of my old self and I know only I am to blame. But I've gotta pull myself together and put a plan in place for my children

@UnhappyP1990 He sounds even worse every time. You made a mistake, you've realised it, it's not too late to fix it.

Thankfully you are in a position where you can buy him out, you can afford to keep your home and give your children stability and happiness. Not going to happen tomorrow but the conversation about him finding somewhere else to live can. Thanks to you he knows what budget he needs.

You’ll be OK OP.

Go and get a solicitor on board next week. Get a plan together. Then tell him you would like him to move out, tell him you’ll buy him out, when to expect the money, and to get his own solicitor etc.

All awkward and unpleasant but it will be great when you’ve got him and his mess out.

💐

OP this is far worse than someone being a bit behind on stuff during a house move.
He is being verbally abusive. Which is abuse.
You clearly have a good career and lovely DC.
Let that be enough for now.
Get out or get him out.
But please don’t stay with this man just to have a man.
He is making you miserable and mistreating you.
If you stay a year down the line you will be writing a thread on here, stuck, and in really trouble.

OP do think through how to best proceed, especially with regard to his kids. When he realizes you are serious about buying him out and then moving out he's going to give you puppy dog eyes and a huge guilt trip about the negative effect on his kids. And unfortunately it will have a negative effect on his kids, but ultimately that isn't your responsibility. Don't set yourself on fire to keep HIS kids warm. That won't be any use to your kids.

He said today, if I keep talking to him like an idiot, he will behave like an idiot...
Ohhhhhhh. So he's not actually incompetent or forgetful or even plain lazy. He's deliberately not doing anything and if you dare speak out about his lack of housework/being a partner then he will teach you a lesson by doing even less. Now he thinks you are trapped he is ramping up the training until you do everything and never ask for his "help" again. I'm sorry OP but you've moved you and your children in with a manipulative, controlling, abusive man.

I'm a shadow of my old self
See above. you've moved you and your children in with a manipulative, controlling, abusive man.

Make it a priority to leave, even if you lose a few thousand pounds. It will be worth it for your/the children's mental health in the long run.

Tell him now it’s just not working.

Oh so he's a manipukative abusive gaslighter with a speciality in destrying your confidence and self-esteem in order to trap you. What a prize.

Is his name on the mortgage/deeds? If not you have every right to simply boot him out. It's a bit more complicated if it's legally his property too.

Please contact Women's aid asap.
He is absolutely abusive, controlling and manipulative.
But at least you now know.
You have to put your children first.
This mess cannot continue.
You need to tell him that he either sells to you or you sell the house.
This is a very serious situation.
Do not spend any money on this house.
Not a penny.
Sleep with your children.
Buy food and feed your children.
I think you need to be very afraid of a man who would do this.
First call Womens aid for advice.
Do not spend a further penny of this house, him, his children.
Tell him it is over.
The slightest hint of aggression you ring the police.
You don't have the luxury of time to fall apart.
You have to get yourself and your children out of this awful mess asap.
Keep posting.

@Toopies - before we moved in, when I raised my reservations, he shared that if it didn't work between us he'd move out to his parents and give us time to work out what to do with the house. Funny enough when I raised one of us moving out yesterday, and today, It appears he isn't going to do so. He said "we need to make this work" and that "he isn't giving up on us"

He even said he feels like I waited until we moved to make the decision to end it. It couldn't be further from the truth as I raised my concerns over and over with him. It was him that wanted to move and "prove" things would be different. I mentioned time and time again, it's too big of a decision for this experiment to take place. Yet now I'm wrong to have expected him to follow through with his promises immediately.

I feel trapped. I feel like I've made the worst decision of my life and it is going to be a long hard battle to free myself.

Just to add he isn't aggressive. Yes he gets in my space when I try and shut myself away but he wouldn't physically try and hurt me. I've slept in my son's room the last 2 nights.

I raised my concerns over and over with him. It was him that wanted to move and "prove" things would be different. I mentioned time and time again, it's too big of a decision for this experiment to take place

jesus so you knew exactly what would happen and did it anyway! Why wouldn't you at least have rented a house together before buying? This is total madness. You'll have to sell the house and take the financial hit.

He doesn't get to decide to keep going.
You tell him the relationship is over.
He is a liar.
You need to get on to Women's aid and get legal advice.
Do not share a bedroom with him.
Do not spend a penny on the house.
You are going to have to be as ruthless as he was.
Your children deserve better than to be left in this situation.
Carve up the house into co living if he will not move out.
Do not ask him to paint, it is not important.
Separating is what is important.
OP, you really need to find your steel and to wake up to just how seriously you have allowed yourself to be used by him.
This is not a good man.
He pushed this situation so he could have a skivvy for his kids.
You need to show him that is not happening.
No car sharing, no lifts.
Explain things to your children.
Apologise to your children but tell them you are doing everything to get you all out of this situation.
Make it clear to him and your children the relationship is over.

Just to add he isn't aggressive. Yes he gets in my space when I try and shut myself away but he wouldn't physically try and hurt me.

^ That is still classed as abuse and intimidation, it is aggression. It is just as bad (if not worse) than him punching walls or throwing things. You REALLY REALLY need to leave. Call Women's Aid TODAY.