Moving in hell

[UnhappyP1990]

Hi, I've reluctantly just got a house with my partner. We've been moved in 1 week. I'm so unhappy and never felt so down in my life. He has no organisation skills, didn't sort any of the utilities/bills, left his dinner plate on the sofa, leaves all the lights on and today left dirty boxers on the bedroom floor.

He pushed to do the painting, and all week that's all he's done. He's not cooked, cleaned, sorted the kids, done thr washing, nothing. The sink is piled high, waiting for me again.

He agreed to paint in a week (i said lets get a professional in), yet yesterday when it should have been complete, he said the timescale was impossible (we agreed the tasks and timescales TOGETHER on Monday) and its all patchy.

I lay in the spare room last night and cried. I feel like my whole life is ruined.

I always say give a relationship at least 5 years before moving in so you are really sure of each other. I wondered why are you moving in at all if it's so reluctant, then you mentioned kids so I assume they're his or there's no reason to live together at all, you just have an extra child to look after.

@halava it's the first time we've lived together. So moved from two houses into one.

I'm definitely overwhelmed. Very very overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and tired.

We've brought this house. I can afford it month to month, on my own. Buying him out would take time as I do have some inheritance but don't have immediate access to it. It's all 5050.

Are the kids his and have you bought the house?

Those are the only two questions. I’m guessing no to both, as you said you only began to realise what a fucking waste of space he is once you’d agreed to move in with him.

if yes to either you have problems.

If no, MOVE OUT.

And dump him.

He won’t change, it’s laughable to even suggest it. It’s been five fucking minutes and his shitty pants are on the floor for you to pick up and he’s off to footy. But oh it your fault for having ‘tunnel vision’ on wanting people to do what they say they will, like some kind of dictator no doubt. It’s practically a sitcom sketch.

Don’t waste any more time.

You have enough evidence of who this man is, why do keep acting like you don’t?
He told you what you wanted to hear and you were reluctant to move in together because deep down, you knew it wasn’t true.

What do you do now? Accept him for who he is and base future decisions on the him you know, not the person you are desperate for him to be. You need to decide if your willing to sacrifice your emotional well being on an immature adult who wants mothering.

You need to sit down and talk with him and lay down the law. If someone is like this at the very beginning of moving in what might he be like in 6 months time etc? I've lived with a guy where I had to nag him ALL the time to do anything- I was madly in love with him but we broke up because he was just lazy and I hated being a nag. Now my current boyfriend does things without having to be asked, or if I ask him its never a problem.

Save yourself the stress and make it crystal clear what youre expecting of him and when. I agree with a PP who said give him one week to show he can change and that you expect the same standards to continue. Or don't waste your time with him

Oh fuck.

Buy him out. Go fucking nuts at him, refuse to do a thing, hound him to do EVERY FUCKING THING 50-50 and tell him this is his life or he gets the fuck out and you buy him out.

What a disaster but WHY did you not pull out of this? You do know what he’s like, hence this post - you know this is the way it’s going to be.

What was his previous house like OP?

3 rooms in a day easily achieved? That’s optimistic!

Painting? Absolutely. Early morning start and late finish. Especially if he has "tunnel vision" on painting.

I managed it because I had no choice, needed done before carpet fitters came in and I only had one day off.

Well... early on in the relationship, twice I stumbled upon his parents cleaning his house. He since claimed, that he had taken over doing things himself. I'm kinda realising this was a lie!

His washing up is awful, to the stage for a period of time I didn't drink in his house to avoid the cups. In fact, I stopped going to his house for a multitude of reasons

Why did you even move in with him?
He doesn't appear to bring anything to the table/ except a mess.

I take it the children aren’t his?

How long have you been together?

Good luck getting an answer. The same question has been asked multiple times only to be met with silence.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay - no we have 2 kids each. No children together.

If this is real and weather they are his children or not.....with a full time job and 4 children, I wouldn't be buying an house with someone who has proved he can't tie his own shoe laces.

Crossed post.
Time to lay down ground rules - big girl pants op.

Ok, no point more people asking why you moved in. What’s done is done.

What you do next, is worth thinking about. You can either move out, ask him to move out, or set out clear expectations, and be prepared to separate if he doesn’t meet them within a consistent timeframe.

There is always room for some small compromises, but it shouldn’t be one person doing all the compromising, all the time.

Tell him clearly what you expect. If he can’t do things to a decent standard, show him once, then hold him to account in future.

If you try to tolerate this now, you will be stuck with it forever.

Who looked after his two before when he went out for football etc?

Don’t waste time regretting the move. Just end it and move back out. Clowns aren’t really clowns all the time. Just take off the makeup and funny shoes snd stop being a patsy. He was on trial and he failed probation. Thats all. Happens all the time.

My lovely DH is like that. I've learned to pick my battles. BUT this is only because we've talked and talked and his brain doesn't work the same as mine; he gets overloaded v v easily and can't do more than 1 thing at once. However, he DOES have almighty clean ups every so often. It's just in the meantime I struggle with the mess.

But he tries, as he loves me and doesn't want me doing more than him. He tries to do 50% of the house stuff ( as we both work full time and have 2 kids each)), but doesn't always succeed, but will step up when I point it out.

He's kind, loyal loving and a good man in all other ways. So I let it slide; he's worth compromising over. But I'm 53 and it's taken me years and a previous failed marriage to get to the point where I can pick my battles.

This is him then, his default way of living and would require real commitment and effort from him to fix, which is not looking very likely. So yes, it's a bit of a disaster but not one that can't be untangled from what you've said and at least you've realised early on and know now what you need to do.

For now I would focus on just making things as comfortable as you can for you and DC and give yourself time to recalibrate, then you can figure out what steps you need to take to sort things out but it's no good even trying to do that when you're upset and stressed out. If he can't keep his promises this early on though I'd say there's no point hanging around waiting for him to change, better to cut your losses now and start moving towards separation. I'm sorry OP, you must be so disappointed in him

@ChunkyMunky - I had my doubts prior to moving, but hindsight is a great thing. There was part of me, that wanted to give the benefit of doubt. Give him chance to step up. Was part of it about me not wanting ANOTHER failed relationship? Yes, yes it was. I take full responsibility for that.

I did want to make it work. For the sake of the kids too, who have build relationships with each other. But Im struggling to see the light today. I am tired. I am emotional. I miss my own space. My own life. It sounds stupid but I feel a sense of loss, of who I was.

I know I can't throw in the towel after a week, even if my heart wants too. I know I have to find a way to work through it but I feel so down and low

For Gods sake move out. It will only get worse, I realised that after I'd been with my exH for 20 years. He never improved and I did EVERYTHING. All the painting, gardening, housework and actual work, he eventually stopped working too.
GET OUT NOW for your kids sake.

@mirrormirror12 and @OhshitSharon thank you both. I sobbed through your messages but they are both so helpful.

@mirrormirror12 - I know until the kitchen is renovated the washing up will fall to me. I accept that because there's no point him doing it then me complaining about things being dirty. It's a waste of my energy. I know I'm gonna need to learn to cope with some shit. I know that. I know I need to toughen up and know that my standards are high and keeping everything that high isn't life or death

@OhshitSharon - you're right. I'm in fight or flight mode. I'm overly emotional. I had some shitty health news this week that I'm holding to myself too. This should have been my happy ever after and you nailed it. I'm just disappointed as hell.

Better a “failed” relationship —I think you mean a sucessful flight to safety—than misery with this wanker. Who wouldn’t feel sad and low when they realize they have been conned into semi slavery by a lazy man with two kids and bills to pay who was looking for a woman to do all the work.

Have some self respect and kick him to the curb. If you love his kids perhaps he will abandon them with you or not notice they have been left behind in the piles of crockery.