October 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007.

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.

Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"
I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:
"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".
Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwaite
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

How do you all know when it's time to go NC and if it's the right thing to do? My parents have behaved terribly towards me for at least the last 15 years since I had my DD, they've never respected me as a mum, expected me to be available whenever they demanded and berrated me if I didn't. Nothing I have done has been appreciated and from recent talks I've realised they've forgotten or misremembered so much to make it seem I've wronged them.

They absolutely hate my DH, maybe because he won't just take their shit and gives me confidence to be myself. Any time I argue with my parents they just say it's all DH fault. This time it's because he hasn't been round to see them for a few years. He's seen them at bigger family gatherings but not their house as he can't stand how they interact with me and how upset they make me. He hasn't tried to stop me seeing them as he knows I need to make that decision for myself.

I've looked back on my childhood and they just ignored me for the most part. DB went to private school, I went to a local girls school and hated it but they took no notice. My mum never talked to me about any important things eg periods, sex etc. I cringe looking back but I used to chat and sometimes meet up with boys online as I wanted to feel loved and worth something. I can see I put myself in so much danger. If my DD felt that way I'd be devastated but I know she doesn't. She's such a happy confident teen with lots of friends.

We had a big argument this last fortnight as my dad cornered DD and made her so upset she almost had a panic attack, she was out with him and tried to call us to pick her up but had no signal. They aregued was because he had arranged something without checking and just assumed we could make it but have plans that have been in place for months and he didn't like being told no. Both parents refuse to see they've done anything wrong. They've been treating me like this for years but it feels like this is the final straw, they don't start on my DD.

I just don't know how to do things with Christmas coming up, I also have the added complication that I work for my mum. I can do this without seeing her on the most part, I'm SE and invoice her for the work I do for clients she then invoice the clients. I know I need to get out of this as it's a hold and form of control she has hold of me that she can't seem to let go of even tho she said she wanted to retire 2 years ago.

Am I doing the right thing going NC. I could give them notice I'll work til the end of the year. I have enough of my own clients to keep me going for a few mths. I just feel so guilty and like I'm doing something wrong. I talked to my brother who lives further away so is out of it a bit and he says i should do what I need to do for me and my family although he would like to keep the family together.

Sorry for the essay.

Does anyone else realise that they had become hyper independent. I’ve been thinking that a lot of the mess I’ve got myself in is not because I’m just a messy rubbish person, it’s because I’ve tried to do everything on my own. We don’t have issue's and we don’t tell people. Everyone has issues and makes silly mistakes but they tend to talk to people and have people who love them guide them. I did quite a lot of silly immature things as a young adult because I didn’t have any wise loving adults to tell, I did them all in secret. I then hid everything because it’s just what I did as a child as there was no one to confide in. Until the trauma built up and I became ill. I can’t imagine how different my life would have been given that I had a mum
to talk to. I was a terribly anxious child and young adult, it’s so sad.

@Happyfarm I relate to this so much! To this day, I find myself making poor decisions because I assume that nobody will ever help me and I am on my own.

I’m the opposite now and don’t make any decisions for fear of making a mistake. Which is no way to live. I’m so afraid of looking stupid or needy or being pushed away.

I'm getting better. It's only recently, though, that I've started to realise what I'm doing, and to recognise the patterns. So many patterns!

Yes, I’m hyper independent too. I don’t ask anyone for any help with anything for fear of being rejected or considered needy in some way - I guess fearing being treated the same way as my parents treated me growing up. They weren’t there for me at all, so I don’t expect anyone else to be either.

Ive had some very rare moments where I have lifted those shutters, but I am drawn to/attract very selfish people (again because it’s what I grew up with I think), and I always ended up regretting it. They would either abandon me because only they mattered. It was made clear I was their support person, but they were not mine. Or I was laughed at/gossiped about. So those shutters stay firmly down now.

I envy people who have family in their life who care about them. I read on threads on here sometimes where somebody is having medical tests or have a diagnosis of something etc and they agonise over how to tell people in their families because they assume their parents/siblings etc will be worried, upset or will fuss etc. That’s alien to me because I have several chronic long term illnesses, I’ve had operations etc and nobody in my family cared. Infact the responses were they were worried about Mrs XXXX down the road because she’s got an ingrowing toe nail you know/ oh and random man walking past has a bad leg/its not about you/you aren’t that bad/your on meds now, snap out of it.

Ive never had family in my corner, so it’s always been automatic for me to rely solely on myself and not ask anyone for help.

Rose wait until payday (or if you got paid a few days ago cut your losses, lose a few days pay and do it now), go see your GP and get signed off sick so you can't be sued for breach of contract, give your notice in and be off sick until it ends. Speak to DH, I'm sure he'll be absolutely delighted to support you until you find another job, he knows exactly what they're like. You need to support DD too by not expecting her to have to be around them again.

Regards the day out, ensure DD knows for any future disasters in life to ask a shop staff to contact you as it's an emergency. Ensure she knows how to use public transport and always carries a little cash, so she can get herself home. She should never feel effectively trapped in a public place with someone harmful just because she has no mobile signal and doesn't drive.)

If you're going NC you don't have to do anything other than block them in all ways and never answer the door to them. That's it. If it comes to it, a Christmas in your own home with no decoration and presents will be preferable to being mistreated. There's always something on the radio and TV, you can go for a walk to see the outside decorated houses in your local streets, your gift to each other is peace and freedom from abuse.

Like you, I know it's the right time for NC because I've tried everything else and can see they will never change, mainly because they don't want to and see their behaviour as ok. Various things have happened in life that's torn down the fake happy family narrative I was living with and allowed me to see the truth, that it's toxic and I don't enjoy being a part of it, that I can't take good care of my own well-being when I'm around them.

For me the specific last straw is there's likely to be some nonsense around a birthday event before Christmas, so at this point IDK if I'll see them around Christmas at all. What I'm not going to do is tolerate any more bad behaviour, including being told when I have to meet them. If that means we never speak again, so be it. It's going to be their choice really. They can remain civil, respect my boundaries and meet me when I'm available (I don't think they can/want to do this) or they can cause a fuss, berate me, act like I'm the problem for having any boundaries and never see me again. Time will show which it is. I suspect it will be the latter. The more I refuse to back down, the greater becomes their manipulative attempts to get me to do what they want. It isn't going to work, I'm done with it.

@Happyfarm

After a lifetime of this, I tend to seek approval and yearn for praise. I try not to do this obviously but it's hard to break the habit.

It even started to cross into work (when I first started work), I would ask to do things rather than just do them.

When I was learning to drive, I dared not change gear unless the instructor said so - in the end he asked me what should I do now and when I said change gear he said why aren't you then? I answered because you haven't said it's ok.

Is anyone around? I'm really struggling with something and I don't know what to do with it. Long post incoming, and a trigger warning for CSA.

--

My mother was often sexually inappropriate with me. She talked to me about sexual things when I was just a small child. She showed me pornographic magazines. I remember some kind of game when her sisters were visiting, where I had to act as a messenger for sexual stories. My mother whispered something to me and told me to go and tell her sister, then her sister whispered something to me and I had to go and tell my mother and so on. I remember her handing me a pair of crotchless knickers and telling me to go and show them to her sisters. I didn't have a clue what any of it meant but it made me feel uncomfortable because it felt like they were laughing at me.

I knew all that already and for the most part have managed to compartmentalise it over the years while having very little contact with her. I feel no love for her at all, but my father died when I was a young adult and there were things of his I wanted and still want, so I've kept up appearances with her.

For years I've been asking her for some home videos my dad made of us when my sibling and I were children. I don't have any videos or any kind of recording of him and I've been really worried about the 30+ year old tapes deteriorating. I wanted to see him and hear his voice again. She finally sent me the tapes and I watched one last night.

We didn't have a camcorder (hardly anyone did then) but my dad used to borrow one from work about once a year. Evidently he was making a sort of documentary, stating the date at the beginning of each 'episode' and trying to capture nice things to look back on. It started off well. I could see how much my dad adored me and I cried hearing his voice again. But it took a dark turn which really shocked me. I was 4, jumping on the bed giggling with no clothes on, hair wet so I must have just had a bath. My dad was filming and saying put some clothes on, otherwise this is really going to embarrass you when you're 16. Then I heard my mum speak. She started asking me to do poses, sexualised poses basically, that involved bending over and exposing private areas. My dad started saying that's enough, we don't need to see that, but my mum kept telling me to do these poses while laughing her head off. The laughter was twisted, like she was mocking me and it was a sick joke to her. My dad sounded annoyed and said, Right, that's quite enough now, and switched off the camera.

It was horrible to watch it unfold, it was like I was watching a car crash in slow motion. I fucking despise her. There were other clips of her fucked up behaviour too but this post is already too long.

I don't even know what I feel. I can't believe I've ended up with a fucking video of my mum's sexual abuse when I just wanted to remember my dad. The worst part is, she wants a digital copy of the videos (she hasn't seen them for years) and has been talking about showing her sisters (why? the videos weren't meant for them and it's none of their fucking business) so I'm going to have to spend time editing that part out. I knew it was bad but not this bad.

@fargothedepartedmine
I am so sorry ! It is hard to find any words !
No wonder you are angry and confused. Have you any idea of what you would like to do about it ? Do you feel it would be worth confronting her or going no contact ?

@fargothedepartedmine I am so sorry you had to endure that, your mum sounds unhinged.
You might not want to think about it right now - but that is actual evidence of what she has done to you. It could be something to involve the police with? Would you feel able to do that? I wouldn’t give her the videos now or edit them because if later on you did want to make a complaint against her it’s better for it to stay in one piece. That must have been so horrible for you to watch 💐

Honestly I feel like not sending her the digital files and never speaking to her again. There are some lovely clips of my dad watching me play and generally doting on me and I feel like I don't want to share that with her. She spoils one of them where my dad is filming me playing outside, from the window, and he's talking to my uninterested mum about the silly things I'm doing. He makes his way to the door to go and join me, and she takes the camera off him and starts trying to turn the video into something sexual because she's so clearly irritated he's paying me attention and not her. He just laughs and goes outside to find me, and the camera is turned off. She spoils another one storming into my room when my dad is saying goodnight and talking to me about my teddies, shouting at me for not being asleep, then storming out. I knew she hated my dad paying me any attention and I remember how much she tried to drive a wedge between us, but I wasn't expecting to see it so overtly in these videos.

But she's so meek and feeble in older age it's hard to see her as the same person, and difficult not to feel pity for her. I don't think I want to confront her because she'd just deny it and get upset about me being cruel to her, and I don't want any drama. I don't really know what to do.

I've actually been feeling uneasy about having the footage on my laptop, even though it's me. It's only about 3 minutes long I'd say, and if someone impartial viewed it I imagine they'd find it... questionable at best..? I had the tapes converted by a local woman who does VHS digitising, and she didn't say anything, but I'm not sure how much she'd have actually watched once it was rolling. There's a part of me that wonders if I'm overreacting. I mean, it's not uncommon to have pictures or videos of your very young children naked, running and jumping about, a lot of toddlers love being naked don't they? But I don't think it's normal to then start asking them to bend over and show you their bum and do roly polys, is it? The first one I do is going away from her, and she says 'no, the other way!'. I ended up watching a video of a someone doing a roly poly at 0.25x speed earlier to try to ascertain how much would have been on display 😳

Oh, and I forgot to mention in my OP, she used to ask to see my breasts.

I couldn't involve the police. I couldn't cope with the uproar.

Thank you so much, both, for replying to me, and so late at night. I've been really desperate to tell someone but I had no idea who.

@fargothedepartedmine Gently, it sounds like you are trying to minimise/justify what you have seen, which is completely understandable. People do sometimes have photos of their DC in a bubble bath or something very innocent, but what you have seen is not innocent. I can’t even find the words - but getting you to do Roly polys naked is very disturbing, and you saying about her asking you to show her your breasts and the conversations she involved you in. It’s far from normal, and quite twisted. She might be frail and old now, but she’s still an abuser at heart. It must be so hard for you to process.

@VWSC3 Thank you for confirming. After I posted about the roly polys I wondered if people would think it wasn't really a big deal, even though when I saw what was about to happen my whole body was screaming no no no, not that, please not that, and I felt physically unwell. It would be one thing if I spontaneously decided to do one of my own accord, but I was happily jumping on the bed giggling until she gave me the instructions. It was horrible to see this happy, innocent child doing what she asked, still giggling, without a clue how fucked up it was.

sorry for not replying earlier. I fell asleep !
It is good that you can see your dad's love and pride for you but I wonder whether seeing the dynamic played out between your parents has been unsettling as well. Your mother sounds horrific frankly ! Even though she is old and frail now it does not minimise the way she treated you.

Oh my @fargothedepartedmine it was uncomfortable to read and I bet you feel uncomfortable in your body also regardless of whether you think you should or shouldn’t. Your mum sounds really disturbed and I definitely think you may have normalised this behaviour. You are not not wrong thinking that this is just not normal. Sorry it sounds awful and I have only just read it let alone went through it.

So sorry you're going through this, @fargothedepartedmine

Have you spoken to a counsellor or therapist about it all? It's an awful lot for you to try to understand and manage alone.

I'm so deeply sorry @fargothedepartedmine. That should never have happened to you. She's very disturbed. I'm glad your dad was so kind and lovely.

@flapjackfairy It is good that you can see your dad's love and pride for you but I wonder whether seeing the dynamic played out between your parents has been unsettling as well.

Yes, very unsettling. She loved holding me hostage in the kitchen, getting drunk, making him out to be some kind of tyrant and blaming him for everything she wasn't satisfied with in her life. Telling me he didn't want me, asking me if I loved him, asking me why I loved him. By the time I was a teenager I started to see through her, I could see that things didn't add up, and I never felt any love for her again. When I saw that clip I was so scared he was going to join in with her, wondering if my heart was about to break. It was strange to see their private interactions and how domineering she was, rather than the 'poor little helpless me' image she liked to paint. I'm not sure why it surprised me though because she did the same to me when I started to challenge her BS as a teenager. It's a lot to process.

@Happyfarm Thank you. It's so hard not to slip back into feeling like a drama queen making a fuss out of nothing. Maybe it's a good thing I saw this and no longer have to doubt my version of my childhood, as awful as it was to watch.

@PatchworkOwl Yes, fortunately I'm already having therapy so I was able to discuss this with my therapist in our appointment this morning. It was really helpful, things are feeling a lot less jumbled than they were.

@almondmilk123 Thank you ❤️

I've decided I do want to address it with my mum so I need to work out what to say to her. I'm not interested in what she has to say about it, I just want to state the facts without getting emotional and tell her why I won't (and legally, can't) be sending the videos. It's going to be horrific. And ridiculously, I hate the thought of upsetting her!

When I read all these threads it gets to me just how much damage it does having a partner or a parent who is unable to see things from the other persons point of view. For me that has manifested in me seeking validation for all of my feelings. I even needed permission to feel upset or scared. I’ve put myself in situations over and over that I’ve kind of felt was wrong for me but the other person has not validated it so that meant I ignored myself and my feelings we’re stupid. I gave all my power away to abusive men. I get stuck in all sorts of relationships with this. My MIL is a dismissive personality and I’ve been stuck on that relationship. Instead of backing my feelings up with acknowledgment and action I go over and over my feelings trying to make them go away because they aren’t validated. It’s something I work on now. It’s hard! Does anyone else realise they have been seeking the go ahead to feel things? I get stuck on people who have little empathy. Of course they won’t validate me as they don’t have the tools to do so. It’s a them problem and I make it a me problem!

My hyperindependence and the internal struggle I have was really highlighted when I met my DH.

For him, family involves calling around to his folks and having lots of laughs, lots of warm shared memories, his mother telling him how amazing he is, his Dad quietly helping him with practical things. Oh, let me come around with the toolkit and help you to mount your TV. Let me fix the back door for you.

For me, family means internal fear, dread and a feeling of complete unsafety and "not good enough" that will wash over me even just after a single thought about them. It's fear that manifests physically and makes me anxious, irritable, brain foggy for weeks when there's a visit. Its knowing that my feelings and needs aren't real to them, and therefore any struggle has to be endured alone, with my mental health and ability to function having to suffer.

The way we operate in the world is so different because of these different upbringings. He looks forward to things, expects to be liked and respected, blames himself for nothing. It takes a lot to upset him, he's got a strong foundation. When he is upset, he'll take himself for a walk or to bed early and wake up refreshed.

My experience is one of blaming myself for everything. I'm currently trying to change my diet for the endometriosis that is contributing to our infertility and telling myself if I hadn't done XYZ I wouldn't have caused this disease. This is how I handle problem solving in general. It's my fault, how can I be less problematic. That, or assuming my feelings are unreasonable and suppressing them, causing more internal pain and self loathing. I struggle to look forward to things, I assume the worst will happen. I ruminate on that worst thing constantly.

A lot of things have happened in my life, especially since moving out of my parents' home at 18, there's been crap things, big and small. But the worst has been the lack of parental support or mirroring or basic positive regard from them. Some days I'm optimistic I'm changing things for myself, the brain rewiring is going well, but the default remains that fear and that intense, traumatising isolation, that knowledge that if things are bad, or things are good, I'm on my own.

On my own and then have to sit and watch GC sister get all the praise and attention, and take the blame for that too because I'm not "open" and "chatty" like her. It's a certain kind of hell

OMG this is me. I have no idea how to behave in family situations because it triggers a deep seated fear. 😔

I can’t deal with this feeling of wanting something that when I have I still can’t control my inner fear. I’m terribly awkward and I’m sure it’s noticeable. What I want is a massive hug and people to tell me it’s ok because we love you and you are welcome here. Instead I sit, talking nonsense feeling weird. I don’t know what to say, who to look at, how to behave, im so unnatural. I will often self sabotage became I mean who’d want a person like me there, being awkward and spoiling it. I’m not looking forward to Xmas and the gatherings.

This is so sad. You sound like you despise yourself. Perhaps if your family realised how you feel they might give you that hug. You don’t need to be anything other than yourself. Try to accept yourself as you are and that would make it easier for everyone to relax, including you. It sounds like you think they expect you to be a certain way in order to be acceptable.