October 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007.

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.

Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"
I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:
"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".
Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwaite
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

@wonderingwonderingwondering

I feel sorry for your sister. She probably glorifies your parents and her upbringing and thinks there is something fundamentally broken and wrong with her. While harbouring this belief that she only has herself to depend on, because healthy kids don't shut everyone out.

spot on - she's so terrified that there's something broken and wrong with her she can't even acknowledge the fear let alone the reality, except in very dissociated ways like 'i know I don't perform well when it comes to relationships'.

When it gets to the point that her coping mechanisms affect other people, we are really stuck, because something has to be said, boundaries have to be drawn, but that requires her to look at those fears. And she ain't gonna. She'd rather lose our relationship, it seems.

That level of fragility I feel very sorry for too. Wierdly although she's the strong one she's also clearly weaker. I can't earn money but I can admit my mistakes. (or can I - one should never get too self-congratulatory),

But then as others have said on this thread she turns it on me so I'm the loony - my dad and her are all up in their 'clearly almond milk was much more mentally gtrouble than we ever realised'. Aaaaaarrrgh so topsy turvy

I want to train as a psychotherapist but I'm worried i'll explode with rage if i'm finally surrounded by people who validate my worldview!

PS don't worry about replying I've realised this thread moves to fast xx

@Happyfarm I wish my db would do that now. He was radio silent due to having a childish strop over something petty. He was completely no contact for 5 years, never met his nephews, nothing. He wasn't interested!
He came back into my life like a bull in a china shop when df died. He hasn't changed, and now he repeatedly winges to dm. Due to his lack of respect of boundaries, unsolicited advice, no accountability for anything, and fabricated story telling, thinking he has control over my life etc, I have since had to distance myself. Db acts like we have been best buddies for all of our lives. We were close as dc, but have been very distant all of our adult lives, and had multiple issues. I hope he leaves me alone now and stops having little "intervention" style bitchy chats to dm, who then parrots them, because he is her gc. I want to be left alone!

@JustLaura hugs your brother sounds like a maniac. he's stalking you. You could call the police.

What could you try? Well my DH's mother is a bit more like the mothers on this thread than mine was. She was always trying to get him - and me - to look after DSIL who's a bit autistic, a bit narc, a bit low iq and a whole lot of disaster zone. She's 4 years older than my DH and did some awful stuff to him when they were teenagers.

In the end, I said "DMIL, we are an absolute mess ourselves. We can barely look after ourselves and our own children. We are hanging on by our fingernails. We cannot look after DSIL. Stop asking."

this was true at the time and may not be true for you but it hella worked. she's stopped asking.

@Twatalert hugs - you deserved so much better. I love to hear of your travel and freedom now.

Her whole universe will erupt if she looks at the reality head on. Your parents failed her monstrously, she never felt safe to be a kid, her "independence" is a sign of the trauma of living with parents that didn't do their job. She MUST hold onto her self sufficiency as a badge of honour, because the alternative is just too difficult. She could lose her parents, she'll certainly have to grieve not having loving and protective ones.

I can say this because that was my journey. Perhaps it was easier for me to give up the family narrative because I was at a great physical distance, they weren't in my daily life and suddenly there was a kind, empathic therapist in front of me making me feel like I mattered for the first time. Why is this therapist stranger more of a caring mother to me than my own mother? Her kindness and mirroring changed everything. I met my kind and loving DH soon after, and he saw me and cared for me too. His family embraced me. I saw the "topsy-turvy" as you described it of the narrative so clearly. But i lost the ability to be in the same room as my family without a deep unsettling nervousness setting in. I'll never see them the same again. The whole dynamic is just wired to harm me.

So that's why it's so hard for your sister, for my sister too. She's the GC who's never been called on her dysfunction to the point that functional adult relationships aren't possible for her. She's scapegoated everyone, she has to be superior and sit in her ivory tower with my mother bitching and judging.

My therapist says there's a costume I must wear in this elaborate play that is my family. Taking the costume off and saying no thanks, that's not for me, is going to upset everything. The system will try to protect itself and I'll be the crazy one. But the reality is it's just healing, it's a peace offering to my family to meet their actual adult daughter / sister. Meet me on my terms. They of course won't, hence the sister cutting me off and parents thinking I've gone crazy, am "blaming my parents for everything".

@wonderingwonderingwondering don’t you get tired of being the crazy one? I know I am. I want to be the loving daughter, DIL, loving mum and partner. I want to be seen for what I think I am. I call myself the crazy quirky one because that’s my label but I’m actually just a kind, sensitive soul.

'wonderingwonderingwondering · 05/11/2024 13:40*

'The physical resemblance thing can be unsettling and triggering.
When I was a kid, I always got likened to my father / relatives on his side of the family. Relatives would say "she's a (father's surname) through and through". My father was nmum's scapegoat when we were kids, their relationship was horrible, and my mother's choice insult for me was "you're just like your father". I think about that now as so psychologically abusive to a child. Framing a parent as "less than" and then likening them to him as an insulting thing. It's just so insidiously awful.'

@wonderingwonderingwondering

I can relate to that. Dm, and some of her siblings (who didn't like my df or his family who were decent, and loving) were really passive aggressive. They would say things like "she looks like her dad's sister," and "she is her father's daughter." Then other times they would say "oh she looks like you there to my dm (because it was only a good thing to look like her, because she was very pretty when she was younger). This was constantly rammed down my throat.

My df had a prominent nose, it suited his face and wasn't overly big, just a man's nose. They would laugh and say to dm "hope your dc don't inherit the <insert df's surname> nose. They would say df's whole side of family had the nose, and were so cruel. It was awful. Dm would just laugh, and say, "hope not", infront of me. It made me feel less than, and so self conscious. I would feel good if they said I looked like dm. It totally screwed me up.

As I was growing up, and a young girl I was insecure about my body, dm would comment on how "flat chested" I was. She even told the sales assistant in M&S when I got my first bra, "oh she won't need much she is probably only an 'A' cup. I was 14/15. The comments continued until I was 18. When ever I was going on a night out, she would tell me "you look nice, and so flat chested." She made me so insecure that I would wear padded bras, and cover up alot.
DM was very over weight at this time, and funnily enough had a breast reduction years later, because of all of her weight gain they were sagging a lot. she took a lot of her insecurities out on me. She was really unsupported emotionally immature, and didn't take a interest in my life. She didn't know what a-level I was doing, I didn't tell her if I had a bf, or anything about my life. Now I have my own dc, and couldn't imagine being so cold.

@happyfarm oh i want many things that ive always deserved but I've had to grieve them all. Because these people aren't changing and I was just getting hurt lugging around all these healthy "but you are my actually mother!" expectations. I'm still in the grief, I don't think I'll ever be ok with my parents throwing me to the wolves & blaming me for all of their shortcomings, and further blaming me when i try to recover from it all.

But I am that loving wife and friend in my actual life now. I try to focus on that. See myself accurately and feel sorry for my family for missing out. And I do hold tightly to my role of truth teller, I see myself as that in all parts of my life. I don't know if it's a good thing, but it's an important thing for me. My inner child knows I'll protect her from bs.

I know what you say is right, I think I know how Harry feels when he said he’s the spare. That’s kind of how I feel.

Big day yesterday - is this a good thing?

My therapist cancelled and I called my DDad.

We did talk about stuff. Unlike my Dsis, he will talk about anything. You can say anything to him. The question is whether or not he will understand.

After he beartrapped me about his will, I didn't talk to him for 18 months and it seems he's done some thinking.

he says he's 'deficient' and he's let his family down. He says that a lot - it's not enough to say it - but it is a sign that he's not a narc.

I said 'we grew up in an environment that big feelings are for other people'

he said 'i don't think I ever thought that, but its true that I coped with my life by not having big feelings'

I told him he's got to use his imagination to figure out why i say what I say, rather than just viewing me as a defective object that spews incomprehensible nonsense.

I said him making the fact that he doesn't understand me more important than my need to be understood has hurt me. He needs to make an effort, and go along as best he can, like I do with maths and things I'm not good at.

I doubt he understood - sadly he's got dementia now too - but he didn't drag me into a conversation about explaining my terms that ended up in shouting, which is what usually. happens.

he said 'i know how to listen, i took case histories as a doctor'

I said 'that's medical, thats not a relationship'

he said 'well i don't know I had to find out all sorts of things about their background and their situation'

I said 'that's not the same as talking to your daughter'

'well maybe not,' he agreed.

I talked about my sister, the fact that I can't talk to her. He said 'well that's okay' and I was like IT'S NOT OKAY!

Sister says same thing when I say how bad I feel about Ddad 'that's fine, that's fine' placatingly. IT'S NOT FINE!

Ddad says he doesn't want to be a go between Dsis and I. I say 'well you're terrified of her too'.

Anyway, don't know if its a good thing or not. My Ddad did well in that conversation, there's no doubting it. Yet he's got three VERY fucked up daughters.

Why?

Is it because my mum didn't help him enough, she was too weak to challenge him on his deficiencies?

it's like now she's dead he's finally encountering his daughters as real people. And it's been brutal.

I do feel sad for our family. I do feel like there wasn't really gross abuse - only from my violent disturbed sister. My dad was cold and got in mean cruel moods, did some wierd medical stuff to us (normal for doctors i gather) but it could have been so much worse. He was invariably cheerful and benign, although lacked the ability to connect with us as complex human beings. We laughed a lot. Together my parents were more neglectful and incompetent than abusive. We were almost great.

I just can't quite work out how it all fits together, the bad and the good.

Good thing to talk to him? Probably. Just don't want to stir up hornets nest with my sister.

Have any of your families ever hired a private detective to follow you?

I think my crazy family have hired a private detective again. It’s happened twice before we think. Once when my child was a baby and he must have been the most incompetent because he would literally jump out with a flash camera and photograph us. He would appear everywhere we went for around a week photographing us.

Second time was around 4 years later and a man would sit outside our house all morning everyday with a notepad writing for weeks on end watching me do the nursery run.

Oh, and I’m also forgetting the one that stood on the only narrow path to school who again blatantly took photos of us with a pro looking camera.

And now I think there might be another one. A man keeps parking outside our house everyday and just sits in his car. We are on a side street, it isn’t a neighbour and even with plenty of space outside everybody else’s houses, he only parks outside our house. He stays there for 30 - 60 minutes at the same time each day and it’s been going on for around 6 weeks. I might be wrong and it might be innocent, but my gut is telling me i’m not wrong.

We have had so many instances with flying monkeys though recently. They seem to be upping their stupid games and Im just exhausted with it. I can’t even claim harassment because they are mainly using sweet gullible people to do their dirty work to try and glean information and manipulate us. The narcs aren’t getting their hands dirty at all.

I don’t know what to do.

@VWSC3 thats bloody crazy? Why do they want to know so badly?

I think they are trying to get photos of my DC, because, well, that’s what these people have done, photographed the DC. The sitting outside is at school run times, not when I’m on my own.
My parents told me in one of their rants after I went NC that they would one day tell my DC “the truth” (ie repeat the contents of their lying smear campaign against me as facts) and said that my DC would hate me then. Calling my DC “poor lambs” for having a mum who has “ruined all their lives”. The irony of that!!!

This is all so outing if they stumble across this thread, but I actually don’t care anymore.

Oh Jesus @VWSC3 how stressful. Csn you get a restraining order? Taking pics of YOUR children without your permission is a crime I'm sure. They are literally stalking you. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with such batshit behaviour.

Hi @almondmilk123. Well done on standing your ground with your father. I know how triggering these conversations can be and that's no small thing for sure. I'm in awe at how articulate you were able to be, especially in what you said about requesting that your Dad tries harder to understand you rather than prioritising his own needs. I so wish I was able to be as clear with my own mother.

The one thing I will say is that I've often coming out of these rare discussions feeling as you do. There's almost a dopamine hit with them and you can have renewed hope, "he must really love me if he said XYZ" and "it clearly wasn't that bad." The inner child is always looking to see that and to connect with their parent.

I've then seen weeks pass with no material change and that hope that my parent now will become who I always wanted them to be turns to despair and deep pain again. I'm not saying that will be your experience, and it's positive to see that your Dad seems capable of self reflection. But it's worth asking yourself what is your intended outcome here? Just simply to be understood, or for things to change with him, or your sister?

My mother has made it very clear that she is not going to do therapy, for example, and although she can see she got things wrong with me and I've been all alone in the world as a result, she's more focused on me making more of an effort with her WITHOUT bringing up these hard things because "I don't see the point of talking about the past, what's that going to do except make me feel worse than I already do?" I came to an understanding after that discussion thar she can make some noises about how hard things were for me, but there's nothing wrong with the current dynamic, she's not engaging in any favouritism, and my lack of communication is the main problem that I have to fix to move forwards.

Where I landed was anything that requires me to slot back into a toxic dynamic without any further discussion doesn't lead to the change I need to trust anyone in the family.

Oh yes @happyfarm. Harry was emotionally neglected, he was scapegoated in a way that was institutionalised and reinforced by the media.

Interestingly my mother was obsessed and ENRAGED by Harry's behaviour where that story blew up in the press. She couldn't talk enough about it, she was polling everyone about it. She was incredibly misogynistic about Meghan in particular. I found it fascinating. There's a scapegoated sibling in her family too, 6 siblings turned against her for reasons I never understood. She cited that scapegoat sibling during a recent conversation with me. "Don't be like your aunt. She cut everyone off"

I'm so sorry that happened to you @ONanotherplanetinTime It's so sad that you weren't raised up and supported and built up to see yourself positively during such a vulnerable time for you.

Your post just sparked a memory for me. I've always been quite large chested, and have a small frame so as a teenager there was a lot of male attention but also insecurity on my part. My mother HATED when I wore anything that displayed my bosom in any way - I mean even scoop necks that highlighted my assets. I've covered up and dressed really conservatively around my upper half for decades because of it. A lot of former partners have commented on it- how they didn't even realise how shapely I was when they met me.

I remember once my mother said I looked like a slut and "like one of the women in X flats" (disadvantaged area) when I was a teenager and wore a low cut top on a night out. That makes me sad to think about now. I had great knockers LOL!

@wonderingwonderingwondering that is the dilemma.

I feel guilty towards the thread saying this but I feel there was a lot of happiness in my family. And that convo was a dopamine hit.

But there are also dangerous currents. I was making an effort to trust them before my dad's 90th birthday party and then it turned out to be like a public divorce from my own family.

Did I call him out of desperation to insert myself back in... just couldn't stand it any more to be circling round the hole (tm happyfarm), lunged to fill it in... and will i regret it?

Btw where the comparison between my sister and you breaks down and you and I are more alike is that I am the one who had the therapy and found the DH. Dsis is v hostile to therapy and talking about things, and has kids but no partner and prob never will. Is that your dependent Dsis? These traits can align in all sorts of ways like a kaleidoscope.

That is a big fracture - the people who are horrified by raking up the past and the people who can't go on without creating a shared better backstory. I sometimes think the difference is creativity and imagination. But that's rather self-congratulatory.

@VWSC3 that is NUTS! I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry that happened to you It's so sad that you weren't raised up and supported and built up to see yourself positively during such a vulnerable time for you.
Your post just sparked a memory for me. I've always been quite large chested, and have a small frame so as a teenager there was a lot of male attention but also insecurity on my part. My mother HATED when I wore anything that displayed my bosom in any way - I mean even scoop necks that highlighted my assets. I've covered up and dressed really conservatively around my upper half for decades because of it. A lot of former partners have commented on it- how they didn't even realise how shapely I was when they met me.
I remember once my mother said I looked like a slut and "like one of the women in X flats" (disadvantaged area) when I was a teenager and wore a low cut top on a night out. That makes me sad to think about now. I had great knockers LOL!

@wonderingwonderingwondering how damaging for your dm to say those things to you. It makes me think if our dm's were jealous of youth possibly? It ultimately comes from a place of insecurity on their part I am sure. Funnily enough when I finished growing to my adult cup size, and she couldn't insult my chest any more, she would start being passive aggressive about everything else.

My dm was very depressed and bad tempered growing up. I thought it was normal to get my own breakfast every day while she lay in bed, bring her a cup of tea up every morning at a very young age before school (she didn't notice I didn't bother with breakfast) because she was upstairs in bed.
My oldest dc is now the same age, have other kids parents take me to school, walk home alone. I used to be amazed when I would go to friends houses and their Mums would do all of the things mine didn't. The worst part is dm is proud of the fact I looked after her so well, not the neglect of it all. GC did none of this of course.
All my life I strived to please her, because I never felt enough. I used to try to buy her affection with lots of thoughtful presents; spending more than I could afford. I would for instance buy her a pair of earrings when I couldn't afford to buy any myself. Now I'm older, and better off it feels satisfying to hear my inner voice say, "You can buy it, you don't need to get your dm one too."

That’s what my narc ex said to me on voicemail before I denied contact. I’m saving up all the evidence to tell our daughter one day that truth about her mum….and he is doing this now sadly, they hold grudges forever. Judge enforced no contact for 3 years also. He kept turning up with gifts to my house etc trashing all the boundaries I put in place, trying to show me that my needs didn’t matter and he was above them. I remember watching him one time he turned up stood outside shouting how he’d tell everyone the truth about me, arms open wide making him look as big as possible. Horrid people.

Oh I'm sorry @onanotherplanetintime you deserved so much more than that. You were parentified and then praised for neglecting yourself. Thar is such a deep pain.

Why do they choose the less competent and independent one as GC? I have so much grief and pain around that. Like "I did everything right, I centred everyone except myself, I never caused you any pain or stress, why did you choose HER?" I have to fight so hard to not let that destroy me every day.

Oh I'm sorry you deserved so much more than that. You were parentified and then praised for neglecting yourself. Thar is such a deep pain.
Why do they choose the less competent and independent one as GC? I have so much grief and pain around that. Like "I did everything right, I centred everyone except myself, I never caused you any pain or stress, why did you choose HER?" I have to fight so hard to not let that destroy me every day.

@wonderingwonderingwondering It is crazy, it is like they know you have it together, so want to tear you down. Or maybe they see the none-gc as a good generous person and an easier target. I think in my case dm sees alot of herself in gc, so criticising him would be like criticising herself. I also feel she wants to appease him, because she is fearful of his reaction. When gc does any little thing it is like he has built the great wall of China the way she raves on, because he simple doesn't do much, so when he does it is a huge deal. They have raised the gc, and don't want to admit they fucked up.

@ONanotherplanetinTime I think we have to remember that the Narc parent has created the Golden child as they have created all the roles. It’s all distortion. Everything else we are projecting, there is no GC or SG or reasons.

yes I was the same. one time my mother was telling my own kids what a difficult teenager I was ! I worked hard at school, held down a part time job , didn't smoke , drink or take drugs or even go.out much . I was hardworking, polite and respectful. I was too afraid to be anything else frankly and I think.by difficult she meant that I developed my own opinions.

@Chocolatecoatedkettlebell
I'm doing 'grey rock' too.

I try to stick to subjects like the news, weather and TV.

Though this backfires sometimes as they think I have 'free' time.....

Or

Last week I said I hadn't watched whatever TV show my Mum and Dad watched and I only really watched 1 thing on TV in the evening.

Then at the weekend, when they again asked if I'd watched another TV show that I hadn't they just looked at each other.

Then! (I have to laugh at this)....

They must have said it to my Golden Child Sibling and between the 3 of them they'd decided I was only watching limited TV as I can't afford a TV licence!!!

It's beyond belief sometimes!