October 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007.

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.

Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"
I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:
"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".
Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwaite
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Thats probably exactly what it is.
Its hard watching/knowing that a parent who has treated you so badly has it in them to be nice to someone else and be what you need to somebody else. It’s cruel.
Its like the GC/scapegoat dynamic which I’ve lived through with my sibling. It feels very unfair.

@VWSC3 thank you. I'm just struggling to unpick. Sorry for jumping onto the thread but thank you for replying and letting me unpack. I think you're probably right. Have you managed to come through the otherside?

I am NC but, yes there is a chance they will contact me. It does rattle me every time they try, but I think I will manage that part. What's more difficult for me is the realisation and enormity of not having family and be on my own. Sometimes this overwhelms me, so I worry about that.

No, I don’t think (for me) it’s possible to come out the other side. DH and I are both from toxic families - I’m NC, he’s LC. The extended family act as flying monkeys. The bullying, harassment and smear campaign have had the biggest impact on me. We are never truly free of them.
Im NC with my golden child sibling too, but actually I’ve learnt to live with the fact she is the golden child, because I really, really wouldn’t want to be in the family fold. To be valued by a Narc means either you are feeding them in some way or that they see themselves in you, and I thank God I’m nothing like my mother. That helps me reframe it a bit.

That’s completely understandable that you feel that way. It’s a longing for family connections that comes with Christmas. Wishing they were different. I think being in the situations we are all in on this thread is so hard this time of year, for so many different reasons.
I don’t wish to be part of my actual family of origin, I wish I had a different family of origin. I don’t miss them, but I have a longing for what (it feels like) everyone else has.

I don’t want to be like them either but I want something I never had and will never have and it’s sad and totally unfair! That’s the inner child in me pissed off at luck!!! Hate social media this time of year with happy families, I’m happy for them and both sad for myself. It’s crap we all have crap families! We should all meet and have one big happy we have crap families Christmas dinner!!

'I'm so sorry about your situation. It's all so, so sad. My situ is quite different from yours, but what does resonate is the kind of ideological warfare, the frantic efforts to cast someone else as the dysfunctional one. It's like being framed for a crime. Temptation (for me) is to frame them back and get in a cycle of dehumanisation.
I don't know enough about your situation to fully understand it, but your DB sounds like a nutjob, a fragile manic type. Is your mother secretly aware he's vulnerable and this upsets her so much she has to manically defend against that? it's so painful for parents to admit their children are total f-ups. I have sworn I will admit it to myself with mine, but now I'm there I see how hard it is.
But your mum sounds v problematic too. How can she say 'sort it out' if he won't talk? What is there but talking to sort out relationships? Gestures do not work, not when things are so unsteady and overheated.
I wondered, would you agree - the fact that you can't talk about it worse than the actual problems you need to talk about?'

@almondmilk123 thank you. I hear you on the toxicity of getting into a cycle. I tried to keep my responses balanced and civil to my dm, who was launching my db's petty comments back at me, all of while she was clearly and vocally taking his side. I could feel myself getting angry; it triggered some deep rooted childhood feelings of her "golden child", who couldn't put a foot wrong, and me, the daughter she never wanted. You just have to realise you cannot reason with crazy don't you, it goes around in circles.

I have a feeling that my dm knows db could have issues maintaining relationships when she is gone, and deflects it back onto me. I also think she takes any criticism of him, as a criticism of her, because she encouraged his delusions of grandeur within her parenting, and they are alike. Selfishly as well, she wants us to speak for her, so that it makes her life easily at the detriment of my feelings, and health.
Yes, his reluctance to have a conversation about what happened, and wish to sweep it under the rug definately made me see he has not changed. His comments to me, and the blindsiding; i realise I am just so much happier without the drama that he brings. Db has a nice side, but a very toxic and emotionally abusive one too. I cannot surround myself with it.
I am also sorry about your situation, not having a supportive family is shit isn't it?

I understand what you both mean, it is very unfair. Someone told me (I think a pp on an earlier version of this thread) that we mourn for the relationship we should have had and I think that's very true.

Yes Christmas is difficult especially when you get the well meaning "it's a time to mend bridges" etc as well. If we had a meet up, it would need to be in a real stately home (with an Xmas market for those of us that may want a glass of mulled wine).

I sometimes see myself in my mum physically as we look alike especially as I get older but I hope I'm not like her in other ways.

@Perzival

I sometimes see myself in my mum physically as we look alike especially as I get older but I hope I'm not like her in other ways.

Me too. As I’ve got older I look like my mother and have some of her mannerisms, but not her personality. The first time I started to notice it in myself I had a meltdown. I cried so much. It felt like a cruel twist because sometimes I can’t look in the mirror because all I see is her. I sit on my hands if I see myself waving them about as I talk like she does. How does it make you feel?

*edited to explain I wave them about while talking, rather than you all thinking I randomly wave them around!

My older daughter looks the same as her father who abused me horribly. It’s difficult I can imagine. But I remind myself that she is not him. She comes home talking like him from visits, that’s hard, the rubbish he tells her. She will always come back from time with him saying “we”. We are trying to do this, we like this, we don’t like this….always “we”. I have to remind her that she is not we. She can like and do things that she wants to, she isn’t a physical part of him. It’s a pet hate of mine.

I look more like my dad and I’m ok with that as he was much better.

@VWSC3 I think I go through the full works of emotions. I get upset and angry and really sad. I still feel not good enough. I'm not as vain, she used to do this pouty face and flick her hair when she was trying to impress someone, i dont do that - my husband has assured me and i think if i did id sit on my hands too. That's how I see her in my head as pouty and hair flicking. I do catch myself saying things that I heard in my childhood and that upsets me as I don't want my children to have anything like I had (not bad things just sayings or wording).

@Happyfarm that must be incredibly hard when your daughter mimics his words but you're right she isn't him and I bet she doesn't even realise she's doing it.

The physical resemblance thing can be unsettling and triggering.

When I was a kid, I always got likened to my father / relatives on his side of the family. Relatives would say "she's a (father's surname) through and through". My father was nmum's scapegoat when we were kids, their relationship was horrible, and my mother's choice insult for me was "you're just like your father". I think about that now as so psychologically abusive to a child. Framing a parent as "less than" and then likening them to him as an insulting thing. It's just so insidiously awful.

When i was a younger / more obedient "quiet" and "easy" child who was great at school - and my older sister was struggling - I got told I was "just like my mother" by of course, my mother. She was very professionally successful as a lawyer and as a kid I knew this was a compliment with layers of invisible pressure attached.

It's been decades now since I've been told I resemble her, her Mini Me GC younger sister has held that position ever since and I've been firmly placed on my father's side of the family.

What's really interesting is that now as an adult, myself and GC look and sound SO similar. At my wedding many guests thought we were twins, and I remember calling her voice mail once and thinking it was ME speaking back at me. We are objectively, physically very similar. Albeit I'm a bit slimmer now and I find my late 30s have really been an age of blossoming for me, probably helped by a health kick.

I've had a horrible self image my whole life though, a lot of which I attribute to being my mother's scapegoat. It's like there's been an unconscious belief that I'm an ugly, selfish person internally, and that must be reflected externally to have been so neglected and ignored by my own mother.

I remember getting my wedding photos back a while ago. And for the first time in my life, I really saw and believed that I looked beautiful, the best I've ever looked. I looked like what I always dreamt of looking like as a child. And I remember seeing that, and comparing it to my mother's ignoring, dismissive behaviour on my wedding day, where she was more interested in literally everyone else than me. No compliments, no kindness, no pride, just the same ignoring and attached to GC at the hip. And realising how her behaviour and scapegoating of me my whole life prevented me from actually ever seeing myself accurately. How I've held this idea that I must be worse in every possible way to GC, whereas the reality is a lot different.

That’s so sad and such a similar feeling. Not knowing how worthy and amazing we inherently are. Having negative aspects forced and promoted to the extent we are all negative. I remember a comment from when I was about 15. My mum chasing me around the house trying to put blusher on me as she said I was as white as a maggot. I’ve never forgotten. She never made me feel pretty so I’ve never bothered.

@Happyfarm

My mum chasing me around the house trying to put blusher on me as she said I was as white as a maggot. I’ve never forgotten. She never made me feel pretty so I’ve never bothered.

That is really horrible and I’m sorry you experienced that. Why are these “mothers” so spiteful with their choice of words?

Your story brought a memory back to me of my mother. We were on holiday getting ready to go out for a meal. My mother and my GC sister hogged the bathroom first and second and came out with perfect clothes, perfect make up and styled hair. They left me no time to even shower really. I came out with wet hair with a towel around me and they said we were ready to go. I said “but I need to get ready myself”. My mother sneered at me and said “who the hell do you think will be looking at YOU”. Wouldn’t let me do anything more than put my clothes on. When I asked if I could at least dry my hair, my mother refused, yelled at me that I was ugly anyway so it would make a difference, and they all walked out and left me in the apartment with no food at all. I was about 16.
Her favourite thing was to tell me I was ugly/invisible/nobody would remember me. And she even believes she complimented me when she said to me “don’t worry, even ugly girls like you get married”.
As much as I hate the fact I now look at her. I do wonder what she would think if she saw me now I unfortunately look like her. Would she be in denial that she looks like me because I’m “ugly” as far as she’s concerned? Or Is it really a form of self-hatred and she would hate me more?.

Sorry , that was a long outpouring. They really mess with our heads, don’t they?

Ugh sorry that's been your experience. You're so right about the negative distortions these family roles can cause on our whole sense of self. Someone was talking about the struggle with self identity a few pages back, I think it's just another thread of that. Not seeing yourself accurately, or with even an iota of positive regard.

My mother grew up the lesser pretty sister to the taller, more elegant one that was 18 months younger. I think her way of dealing with that was by creating all of her value / identity in her career, that kept her feeling "superior" and she developed a negative view of physical beauty as a defence mechanism. There was a lot of internalised misogyny in her growing up, she struggled with her own female friendships, she'd talk so so so unkindly about beautiful women in her life. Like they were "floozies", manipulative, couldn't be trusted. She never told any of us we were pretty, funnily enough all three of her daughter's struggled with eating disorders.

For a long time I gre up believing I was lucky to have a mother that put no emphasis on physical appearance and our eating disorders came out of nowhere. When in fact I see now she just handed all of her own messed up issues to us on a plate. I had the worst weight struggles when under her roof, she loved to keep me overweight or "well fed". She'd look at me with a head tilt and "oh you're far too thin (name)" when id approach a more healthy weight.

My mum does that „good we’ve got that sorted“ there is no we, I have sorted it out for you (will be an admin task) but there is I repeat no we! Also talks like I am the same age as her.

@wonderingwonderingwondering

I bet it was so validating to hear those reassurances from a qualified impartial person, who does this for a living. I can imagine a sense of weightlessness just hearing out loud that it is not you, it is all them. They are the ones who need to work on themselves, instead of projecting their toxicity on to you. My db makes me feel like I am going crazy, so I really relate to that. It is like the fight or flight kicks in, because you know what they're saying is emotionally abusive, and narcissistical (in his case). It is always everybody else's fault for their unhappiness, and issues

Yes!! That is exactly what I did a lot of my life, passifying them, keeping my grievances to myself as I was so used to having my feelings shut down, and dismissed. It is like walking on eggshells, and like you cannot be yourself, so you just close off, and are scared of their reaction should they not get their own way. I have felt at times I have gone against my own wishes and needs to fulfil theirs I find when you share any personal information, they will cling on to this and throw it at you later. For example dm told db I was apparently "being like this" because I "wasn't well." Any negative thing they latch on to, and don't want to know about the good in my life. Now everything in my life is fine where dm is concerned.

You are doing so well, and are really strong! Thank you for letting me know the therapist's tips. I find I will feel happy, then speak to db on the phone, pr dm will say something and it tears me down, and affects my whole mood, and confidence. When they're both in the room at the same time, it is evident they have been little bitchy chats, and almost feels like an intervention. Db imparticular seems to welcome, and create problems, when there isn't any there.

You are so right when you say "they won't change." I have finally realised this. Dm is 69 now, db is 41. It isn't going to happen. I have to do what is necessary to protect my health and happiness. It isn't up to me to speak to db, to make dm happy when this affects me negatively. It is a shame because db does have a nice side, but his high expectations, liking for drama and nitpicking, trouble causing is just too much to handle. He is very manipulative, and I am already finding I am happier I don't have to worry how he will react if I don't do what he wants. I am still however anxious of him getting in touch, or dm saying anything about it. I am quietly distancing myself, I feel I am going to have to ghost him as awful as that sounds. Any message I send him will be met with hostility, condescendingness, invalidation and deflecting. It is mentally draining and energy zapping, and I cannot do it anymore. I am a better version of myself without that, and happier for my children.

Sounds an awful lot like some mums are just jealous children who never grew up. Beats me how they can’t see the damage they have done. I guess it just goes to show how distorted they are inside. My ex partner puts a lot of emphasis on our daughter’s looks. She is very pretty and she does look like him. He uses it as a tie around her ankle to keep her to him. She will say I’m more like daddy, I’m daddy because he tells me I’ve more of him in my DNA. It’s a constant battle to try and cut the tie and tell her you are you. Narcissistic people love to take complete ownership, especially of the more finer qualities. Really he doesn’t give a shit that she is struggling with her neurodiversity. They don’t see you. I’m shocked at just how well they hide and get away with it all.

Absolutely.

I'm trying the 'grey rock' approach as I can't go no contact with my elderly parents though I have minimised contact by about 50%.

I am basically no contact with my golden child sibling and feel better for it - though he stabs me in the back from afar with lies to others.
I still don't know how to deal with that.
Ignore?
Rebuff?

I feel like I put on a face/costume with them. That won't change now.
I've been hurt too many times.
It's draining and thought consuming.

Hi there,
I haven't had time to catch up with all your posts, but I've red enough of them to feel a little sick to see all the similarities. Strangely, this time around, I can't find solace in the fact that I'm not alone in this.

I feel down. As if I was wearing dark tinted glasses and all I see is darkness and negativity. My parents, whom I'm LC with, came to visit and then I'm left with a sense of irreality. They have the ability to make me feel that my life is not "real", I don't quite know how to explain it. I hear in my head "who do you think you are" and feel like a fraud. I don't see myself as the woman, wife, mother of two, but as the utterly insecure child. "Who are you trying to fool", the voice asks. And then I genuinely feel that I don't know who am I. That I'm pretending to live this "adult" life just to piss them off, because I'm just a little lost, attention seeker, shy and insecure, moody and ungrateful child. I'm an imposter. My "true" life is back "home", with them, at their service.
How do I snap out of this fog?
I'm terrified my daughters will run away from me in the future...

@FriendlyReminder i think that sense of not quite knowing who you are is such a strong thread.it is so unsettling when certain people make you feel as if you have reverted to a person who is no longer you or perhaps ever was.

yes yes yes! thank you. You have put into.words exactly how I felt every time my parents visited my home. I would feel so low and like everything about me was a lie and a failure and I needed to throw my whole life away and start again to try to make it what they would consider successful. Like I was no one unless it was reflected through their prism of acceptance and approval.
And on the similarities front I am now the double of my mum and what sent me to therapy was the first photos of myself holding my first grandchild. . The physical resemblance was so strong that I had a total crisis believing I had become her in all ways and had failed my own children. I still worry about that but I have adult children who I am v close to. We are honest and love and accept each other no.matter what. They tell me they would be lost without me etc but the fear still lingers deep down if I am honest

I felt like that after my marriage. I still feel like this when triggered. I have spend decades trying so hard to be what others wanted because I wanted to be accepted. It’s very hard being authentic, especially when people don’t approve of me. My authentic self is also not as nice as the false me which is hard to accept. I look back at pictures of me and I don’t recognise myself. Every time I’m with a narc I feel bad because they seem to have this ability to make the not so nice parts of you seem loud and worthless. But then I tell myself that every normal person is made up of good and bad parts (accept that narc lol). They have this ability to turn you back into children. It is very hard to stand in front of them as the adult we are now.

Something I continue to work on is to praise myself. I could find a cure for cancer and throw it away because it wasn’t good enough. I have done so much that others would be proud of but it means nothing to me because those who I want to see it don’t see it. It like we have taken their eyes as our own. I try so hard to praise my children for the things that light up their eyes. I’m not sure I can ever get it back for myself.

This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you've felt like this so much in your life, I really relate. These people particularly when they are your parents - whose love you are dependent on - can truly stop time, logic and all reason and make you feel broken.

I feel as though that will never be fully healed in me. I built my whole personality on being defiant, never following their lead, and I've spent years doing th work, re-wiring this conditioning to meet my mother's approval and needs at all costs. Working so hard to try to not define my life around her, whether that's in rebelling against her or falling in line with her expectations of me.

But God that is just so lonely and so hard. It's so lonely and so hard to never get to be truly parented, nurtured or seen by the person who brought me into the world. Its hard to keep fighting for your life, on your own, when at the back of your mind you always feel as though none of it matters or is real or was actually earned by me because my parents don't see the goodness or even the point of me when I'm so different to them.

I can’t see how to fully heal this. As you say I’ve either been compliant and get sucked in to trying to out do siblings and prove myself (never works). Or I become defiant and sod them. Either way it feels like I’m still in orbit with them in the middle. I can laugh to myself and say haha they’d love to see me doing this..not… but then deep down I do want them to see and I do want them to praise it. I don’t think that this connection can really ever be broken. I feel like it is something I must carry and hope I do my best to keep it at bay so as not to pass it on. Some things are just human nature and can’t be forgotten. I do my best to live around the hole, like I do with the death of my dad. I think I’m pretty holey now!