October 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007.

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.

Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"
I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:
"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".
Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwaite
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

@almondmilk123 my story is unusual as in we were all very close until 2 years ago when it came to light dsis who had always been crap with money had been helping herself to dm money I politely warned her she may get into trouble if the bank picked up on it or dm needed care etc never accused her or anything
Dsis then blocked me and dc excluded us from everything has removed me as poa and activated it with dm bank done an equity release on dm house and had her change her will I very reluctantly reported it to opg in January and still waiting for it to be investigated

I was still in contact with dm until recently even though she never calls me etc and rightly or wrongly as I know she is being manipulated by dsis I am incredibly hurt by her actions but the last few times I have visited she has been polite enough taken the cake or flowers I had brought her I used to feel like I needed an excuse to go round she hasn't invited me in the house i can't have it out with her on the doorstep as she has a ring doorbell connected to dsis phone

So sadly I have to accept dsis cares more about the money than me and my dc and dm isn't bothered about us either anymore as according to adult safeguarding who involved the police who only went round once asked dm if she was ok then closed the case dm has capacity

@Spendysis
As hard as it is to accept it is your mums decision, probably steered by sis but your mum has happily gone along with it, toxic parents like giving preferential treatment it makes the children compete for attention, money and love. This is your mums doing.

I had the same, my siblings made it clear they would not be dealing with any admin/paperwork, selling family home etc. so after a spell in hospital I said to my dad we needed to get his paperwork in order for the future. That's when I found out 13 years ago my siblings had POA and executors of the will. I was stunned, all the lies, dad had said that his will was with his solicitor/executor, he was caught off guard when I questioned him. Cue dad angry, upset, tears siblings had made him do it blah blah he will make things right, send me copy of will blah blah however the copy was never sent to me so I know it's all bollocks and it is his decision.
It is easier to blame a sibling of coercion but it is the parents fault. Unless your mum has dementia and can't act for herself but in that case she would not have been eligible for equity release or change her will. If she needs a nursing home in the future she will be asked to explain the equity release, where the money went, it will be considered depravation of assets, if it went to sis she may have to pay it back.
Whatever the case it is their mess not yours.

@binkie163 I have no idea of dm level of capacity she is forgetful and repetitive when you talk to her but that could be old age the social worker referred it to the police as they weren't sure on her level of capacity as when they spoke to her she wasn't aware of her money situation what was in her account etc - no doubt dsis will have stopped her receiving statements again which is how this mess all started the police spoke to dm asked if she was ok and she said she was so it all got closed unless opg find something as they deemed her to have capacity.

But yes you are right even if dm is being manipulated/swayed by dsis she has made this choice that was hard to read if I am honest but it's true and i need to accept that and make peace with it

So father’s funeral was today and I didn’t go. My sister went only to support our mother who wanted to ‘pay her respects’. They all live in the same town.

Stand by for the next bit …

Apparently there is very little inheritance on his side. He had frittered it all away. The half siblings have received regular handouts from him. He divorced second wife 10 years ago so pension ended with his death. He didn’t own his house he was renting. Half siblings are worried about how their mother will cope as he continued to support her financially. Oh dear said my sister.

We got bugger all from the sperm donor when we were abandoned.

So my lovely sister repeated that we could not pay for funeral especially that we didn’t really know him. They had spent over £200 on dad & grandad wreaths! And it wasn’t a basic coffin. Funeral was the equivalent of a ‘show and tell’ at primary school and Facebook was full of luvs & hugs & huns afterwards.

Sister dragged mother home before things got too fraught.

So job done. No more worries about him or them. My fury has subsided and I only grieve for the father that I wished I had not necessarily for the one I got.

@Milkandnosugarplease I don't know your story, but it sounds like a hell of a lot. I'm glad your mum and sister and you are united, and i'm really sorry you never got the dad you deserved. Must be validating if not pleasing, to know he did not change and he left the other family in the crap too, albeit in a different way.

@spendysis thanks for telling me your story, and that's awful. Kind of reverse of my situation except my husband is the spendy one (of our own money apart from loans from his DM which we always pay back but we've been so financially stressed as a result) and my sister and dad have pushed me out. I'm willing to talk about it but they aren't. Nobody has ever touched their money. They think I've chosen to leave and I'm happy with being out. I'm not. There are other things as well as the money.

Another echo - my father has capacity according to the lawyer, but he clearly doesn't.

Things get very muddy. Hopefully the OPG will help you protect your mother.

@Milkandnosugarplease that sounds like a gruelling day yesterday even at a distance. It can be quite sickening to see saccharine, showcase emotion when you know what really went on... 🤗 Sounds like the right decision to stay away.

My own issue today is a trivial one but still grinding my gears... my NarcMom is having one of her Grand Days Out this week. She's coming to my town and expected me to drop everything to meet up, but I have a hospital appointment that day. Told her that, but she then invited half the family to join her to put pressure on me, so that I will look like a shit for not turning up. But I've waited months for this appointment and I'm damned if I'll cancel it.

In any case, she's double-booked herself, so I don't know how she's going to do it... She's always had a slender grip on reality and it's getting worse in her 80s. But, of course, No One Talks About It... 🙄

So I must practise my detachment/distraction today to stop this niggling at me... you know how it is...

Just read the last few pages here. I'm sorry to everyone for our awful families.
@Milkandnosugarplease that sounds like an emotionally draining day. I hope you're doing ok.

I've been on and off the board now for almost 8 years. Just recently I'm finding it very hard to be around my parents. They make me feel rageful. Their views and opinions are nothing like mine. They have awful opinions, support Trump, support reform, are racist, fatist, judgmental, huge conspiracy theorists. I hate it all.
I see them mainly for my DS. I saw DM today and as soon as I got there she made an inappropiate comment about my boobs which I snapped back to her. She then asked my DS if he wanted a mikshake and so she made it. She wanted me to try it. I said no I don't like that flavour. She was so insistant even pushing the cup to my face. Again I firmly said no.
I have been a people pleaser and recently over the past year have created boundaries and felt comfortable saying no and holding my boundaries strong. I know these kind of people think you're being selfish/rude when you finally put in place actual boundaries.
Parents recently went on holiday and they would not stop bragging about it and sending me and Dsis pictures of it. Dsis said she also found it wierd and felt they were bragging too towards her about their holiday. I feel like DM is jealous of me. Jealous of my career and freedom in life. I don't rely on anymore financially ( I worked so hard to get to this place). I once had nothing and have made a life for me and DS. Parents have never been much help and tbh have put me down at any opportunity. I'm just sick on them. Can't stand to be around them.

DM has already got poor health. Does nothing to help herself and I can just seem now when they become more elderly, the guilt trips will begin to help them out. However they have never helped me in my times when I've needed them.
I just feel angry today.

I read a joke recently, it went like this:

Why did the narcissist cross the road?

Because he thought it was a boundary.

@Milkandnosugarplease I just wanted to say that you handled that whole thing brilliantly, and you should give yourself a big pat on the back for it.

I've posted here a few times before, under different usernames. Quick sum up of the situation - violent narc father (who I believe had full blown narc personality disorder). Parentified by my mother. NC with father for years until his death, LC with mother but she's had a recent change in her personal circumstances which has meant that she's been trying to instigate more contact (and acting like our relationship is normal despite the fact that we've barely spoken for twenty years). No other family.

I have all the hallmark difficulties of the parentification (problems with anxiety, people pleasing, low self esteem, chronic illness etc) and putting in boundaries and not feeling guilty about it is something I'm working on at the moment. Had a calm few weeks as she's been away, but had a message from her a couple of days ago saying she'll fill me in on all the details when she got back (ie listen to her complain for an hour) and my heart just sank. Couldn't help but wonder what made her think I would want this, or that I'm an appropriate person to do it to. Am refusing to answer the phone or to return the calls and the guilt is major. I just don't want to be a dustbin for her to emotionally barf into. I can't do it any more. She's totally oblivious to my feelings. and always has been and I know this but sometimes it's like having to hold a door closed against a flood.

I've been doing quite a lot of reading about parentification but what I can't seem to find is anything about what happens once you reach adulthood, the long term problems it causes, and how people deal with the parent at this point when the relationship is so dysfunctional, especially when the parent seems unable to have any idea what they've done (and are still trying to do).

Is anyone else in the same boat? I feel a bit alone with it. :/

Actually, I don't feel guilty that I'm avoiding the calls, I feel terrified that I'm going to get found out and be in trouble. Interesting.

Not the same, Peach, but I had a friend who repeatedly used me as an emotional dustbin. After a few years when she'd sucked me dry, I started setting really strict boundaries with the vampire. I literally set an alarm when she called then answered the phone. After 20mins of making sympathetic noises I'd interrupt her, give her some brief advice about the situation and tell her I had to go because dinner was ready/someone at the door/I'm going out etc. Every time. I also never answered call/texts from her before I'd got ready and done anything essential that I had to do that day, to stop her derailing me, or after 8pm at night so I'd have time to wind down afterwards before bedtime. Interestingly she soon stopped contacting me once she couldn't get what she wanted (my undivided attention for several hours whilst she moaned), the friendship drifted and we're no longer in touch, haven't heard from her in over a decade now. Tried similar with someone who used to call/text me when drunk and although conversation started fine they inevitably ended up being a bit mean towards me. Decided to only speak to them sober. Knew they started drinking around 8pm so decided I'd have no contact after then only daytimes/early evening. After calling me up over and over (hitting redial when I didn't answer) a few nights, I literally never heard from them again!

What's stopping you going NC though? You needn't listen to her moaning ever again if you don't want to.

Guilt is a far less destructive emotion than resentment. You get over guilt but resentment eats you from the inside out.
Parentification is a tough one. For me it meant from a very young age I was made to feel responsible for everything, my parents were always drunk. I had to listen to all their shit including their sex lives. I don't think I will ever reconcile that, I felt deep disgust towards both of them.
NC was the only way for me to show them how unacceptable their behavior was but of course they just bitch that it's in the past! There are no winners in toxic families, we have to save ourselves.

Thanks for the support all.

My mother is a bit of a narc herself and did her upmost to get me to buy her things etc. We have had lots of contact recently by only because of father’s death. She was stunned he didn’t leave her any money and wanted me to asked the second family if she was entitled to anything fgs. I just said there was diddly squat left he spent the lot and two divorces cost him. Well that’s not my fault she snapped back, what did he do with his money?

Set boundaries @QuickPeachExpert

I give my mother very little information but she has made the most of the past six weeks. I am going back to factory reset mode.

@Milkandnosugarplease oh I got a bit of a rosy view of your DM there.

Up in the middle of the night here having conversations with my dad and sister.

Are we really so harmful? Asked my dad last week.

Well you fucked up my marriage, my career, and made me tie a rope around my neck.... I got it all back on track but it wasn't easy and still feels unstable. it was unstable before but what business of yours was it to make it worse?

I mean obviously it's a bit more complicated than that but there's something they need to understand, right? Or am I going mad?

The information diet approach partly led to the problem, but I do information diet chiefly because they are not listening

@Autumn5000 I'm so sorry to hear about this. I am starting to understand the Trump base as desperate, vulnerable people who are mentally in very bad shape, whatever their superficial presentation may be. Such people use racism and conspiracy theories as a way to find order in the world and protect themselves against their own inner chaos.

So you are in the shit there and I really feel for you.

All I would say is America is a really badly run country for so many people to be in that state of mind - i don't think it's all individual responsibility, I think it reflects their society.

That probably wasn't the main point of your post but it stood out to me. My severely mentally ill sister is a Trump supporter - I never see her but I hear about it.

@SamAndAnnie I always have in the back of my mind that NC is an option. I think I haven't done it because I don't want the stress and drama of making it clear to her that that's what is happening. I just want her to understand that a distant but cordial relationship is all that's available (and TBH in reality all that is happening) but she doesn't seem able to grasp it. She also moved abroad a long time ago so the distance did a lot of work for me. Problem is that she's now moved back (though fortunately not close to me) and so it's gone from a couple of short visits a year and nothing in between to multiple messages a week which I find it really difficult to deal with, even if they're meaningless and banal. I just don't want to give her attention and I want her to take a hint and stop asking for attention though I know logically that she's incapable of taking a bloody hint because she's is completely unaware of my needs or wants and sees only her own.

@binkie Yes I agree about guilt and resentment! Another one I tell myself quite often is that feelings are real but that doesn't make them true.

I don't want the stress and drama of making it clear to her that that's what is happening. I just want her to understand that a distant but cordial relationship is all that's available (and TBH in reality all that is happening) but she doesn't seem able to grasp it.

Regards the former, it doesn't have to be that way. Going NC is just not speaking to someone ever again. There doesn't have to be an announcement and TBH in most cases I can't see an announcement helping, neither the drama level of the person giving it nor the understanding of the person receiving it.

Regards the latter, I'm experiencing the same. Willing to set the past aside for peace and harmony in the present, but I'm only willing to go forward with a kind of "pleasant acquaintance" type relationship. It's going down like a lead balloon and I'm facing constant overstepping of boundaries, manipulation attempts, gossip about me, and barley concealed hostility toward me.

I'm sad to have the need to go NC but feel it's a matter of when, not if. Good luck with getting yours to understand and be reasonable. I guess it's something we all feel we have to try first before resorting to NC.

I've done NC before, with my father, so I'm no stranger to it, and with him it was easy. He tried to blame me for something, I pointed out that it was actually his fault, and he never spoke to me again. There was never any attempt at contact from either of us. Going NC with my mother would be different because she wouldn't get it and could well turn up on the doorstep uninvited.

I haven't posted in a few weeks, just wanted to update here for myself and maybe get some advice.

My dm text me this morning asking if I was free any morning next week, I replied saying no, not off work until Friday, but I am off Saturday.

So I'm meeting her on Saturday. And suddenly after no contact for the past 3 weeks, I am really anxious and emotional.

I just want some respect. I will never trust her not to hurt me again.

TLDR she thinks my husband is controlling and has told my 19 yo dd this also.

She thinks that everything I said to her the last time we met was my husband's words and opinions, so basically I don't have a mind of my own.

My sisters (I have 3, I am the eldest) are the GC.

I am so hurt but I can't keep doing this to myself.

Anyway, you know when you keep imagining the conversation in your head? How it's going to go? What will I say, what will she say?

In the future. I think I just want a civil relationship, surface level. I am in therapy and I have a couple of the books mentioned.

Any advice?

@Skinnymalinksmalogenlegs
She doesn't respect you, she doesn't care about your feelings. She blames your husband because it is convenient and deflects blame from her. All the imagining conversations is taking time, energy and emotion from you, your husband and 19 year old [who I wouldn't let her near as she is blaming and gossiping about you]
We always believe if we put our side, just find the right words these people will be reasonable THEY WON'T your past shows you that, if she wanted to change she would have by now. Cancel Saturday x
Edited to say;
Stop trying to find solutions, your mum doesn't want solutions, she wants her own way at the expense of your feelings. NC seems impossible but when you look back you wonder why you didn't do it years ago.

Cancel Saturday. Be unavailable to get going forward. It is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

She will never give you the respect you deserve. This is all one way.

Grieve instead for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

@Skinnymalinksmalogenlegs

How would you feel about cancelling the meet? Just messaging her and saying you can't do it. Would that make you feel better? If so, it's fine to make that choice. There doesn't need to be any bigger reason than not wanting to. That's enough.

You've said you're in therapy (I am too) and part of it for me has been really properly accepting the person and the relationship, both now and in the past, for what it is, and accepting that I will never have the parenting I needed and didn't get. There's no point pushing for answers because I won't get them. It has helped me decide where my boundaries are and to deal with the difficult emotions I had around boundary setting (fear, guilt). I don't need input from my mother on the boundaries, I just need to decide them for myself and then hold them, mostly by being able to say no and let the fallout be what it is. It's also helped me feel like I don't need to have 'the conversation' with her. We all know the conversation is a waste of time and there's a lot of peace in not feeling the need to have it any more.

I felt reading your post that this is still too raw for you and that maybe meeting up with her right now isn't the best choice.

Hi,

I know I'm being naive, but I want to go to the meet up to hear what she has to say.

I miss her, even though I'm mad at her.

And a part of me hopes she will listen to me.

I’ve been a bit down lately and I’m starting to believe that something is perhaps wrong with me that others can see and I can’t.

My own childhood was weird, I was incredibly anxious and had issues with food and understanding relationships, I am starting to think I am Autistic or another ND that has never been picked up. My mum was weird also, and her mum abandoned her, she was emotionally non existent. We had all our physical needs met but I was incredibly jealous of my brother who also seemed to be doing well and I was always kind of drowning. I entered a 12 year relationship with an abusive narcissist. I suppose I was used to ignoring my own needs and focusing on others. I lost my dad and really my mind and had a breakdown just before I eventually left because I couldn’t take it anymore.

Roll on a few years and I entered another relationship. He is a decent man and we have a toddler together (I have one with ex also). The problem is now my In laws don’t like me. They are extremely obvious that I’m not good enough. I’ve spoke on here that I suspect the mum is a narcissist.

Is this really possible that I’ve come across all of these people by chance?. I’m starting to think it’s just something wrong with me and I create all this. I really wanted to have supportive in-laws, I can’t think of anything I have done to make them dislike me. I know the older brother of my partner is the golden child. They don’t stop talking about him and his family. They have made many comments about the fact I should be more like his wife. I can’t stand the fact I’m in yet another situation where people don’t like me and want me to be someone else.