Eternally single

[Tootsurly]

Just trying to understand why most people seem to find it so easy to form relationships whereas I have long periods of singledom punctuated by brief dysfunctional liaisons with emotionally repressed/retarded men which last a matter of weeks before being plunged into another interminable period of singledom.

It makes me feel I'm not a proper adult and that life is rather pointless.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, but please don't suggest I do OLD or speed-dating or joining a walking group because believe me I've tried it all. Also please don't comment to say you've been married for 25 years but if your DP died you'd happily spend the rest of your days on your own.

I miss companionship, I miss sex and I'm fed up of being solely responsible for everything. And I understand that all relationships aren't perfect, but the vast majority of people prefer to be in one than not.

Yes, and they've just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. However my dad is about as emotionally repressed as it's possible to be and my mum is a little as well.

I do hear you OP. I was married for 20 years but that’s the only relationship I’ve ever really had.
As a teen/early 20’s person my friends all had a string of bfs and I had no one

And since being single in later life, I’ve tried every suggestion out there and not met anyone in 6 years. Not even had so much as a kiss in that time

Im attractive, well presented, articulate, witty and sociable but I just have never been someone who seems to attract male attention. I’ve learned to live with it but I don’t get it

Well, I am eternally single too.

(My parents have been happily married for 45 years.)

No advice. If I had advice, I would give it to myself.

@TwistedWonder , you wrote
"I was married for 20 years"
but also
"I just have never been someone who seems to attract male attention."

Were you married to a woman?

But still, you had a 20-year marriage! The longest relationship I've had lasted just under two years, and that was barely in this century.

So assuming you're not 105 I've spent a lot more time being single than you.

(I realise that it's not a competition, but one of the things that gets me down is that I've never been able to form a lasting relationship or got anywhere near marriage.)

No he’a the only relationship I’ve ever had and we were friends for a long time first.

What I m at is I’ve never been chatted up, approached in a bar etc - I’ve always been invisible to 99.99999999999% of men

I sort of know what you mean OP, except that I'm comfortable with it at the moment - although I'd be sad to think that I would never have another nice relationship.
For now I'm fairly content being single, but it's weird because my 3 best friends are all in very long term relationships /marriages (10+ years), whereas the longest relationship I've had in that time was about 18 months.

So I just sort of feel like the odd one out sometimes. Plus like as a singleton is expensive. My friends live in nice houses that they own, but mostly because their partners earn well. Whereas I will probably be renting forever.

Bearing in mind many men are emotional fuckwits, maybe you just have healthy boundaries and standards and should pat yourself on the back for not staying in crap relationships?!

I do hear you OP.

I was married for a few years to a lying narcissist and then took a "break" and then went into a relationship who was just my husband reincarnated.

I find it very annoying when people say "if I were to find myself single I would stay single!" That's very easy to say from the comfort of a relationship... the truth is, being single has its perks... but it's bloody hard and we, as humans, are designed to want to find someone to share our lives with.

Equally, if like me, you're under a certain age, most of your friends will be in relationships and have their own families so spending their weekends/annual leave with their single friend isn't high on the list of their priorities.

X

Okay, fair enough.

But it was still a man who got to know you really well, fell in love with you, and married you, and stayed married to you for 20 years.

And you write about this in a thread about being eternally single.

Dunno.

How old are you?

Do you know why the guys you do pick tend to be these dysfunctional types? What sort of relationships did you have modelled to you growing up?

Also- to add, I do believe that women nowadays have higher standards in what they expect from a male partner (not a bad thing!) but that means we are far less willing to settle for someone who is showing red flags.

Equally, the opportunities for men to demonstrate their true colours (through social media, opportunities to cheat on Online Dating etc) are so much easier.

@TwistedWonder I got your points completely. Not a stealth boast but people (always women, unfortunately I'm attracted to men) always paying me compliments, saying I look good, well presented etc. But I never get any kind of flirting from men. They will look but never approach. And please stop telling me I have to make the first move - the minute I had to do that I lose interest!

No, I can't even take credit for that. I accept far too much crappy behaviour from men as I really want to be in a relationship.

Yes, yes and yes. Finding someone to do things with can be really difficult, and I've given up hoping that I won't always have to do solo holidays.

Aargh!

Late 40s.

I think I sort of answered your questions in my second post.

I like this reframing

A lot of women put up with nonsense, and abuse, for the sake of having a man.

That's all very well, but avoiding bad relationships isn't the same as finding a good one.

I think a lot of it is down to luck or chance. Chance meetings, that sort of thing.
I also agree that women have much higher standards now, again a good thing. Many long marriages are not happy. Many women tolerated abuse in the past- women could not even open a bank account without their husband’s permission.
That being said, plenty of people do meet someone they love and who loves them.
I don’t know what the answer is,

Do you have friendships with men?

Yes, I have quite a few male friends.

I made friends with a married man in my last job and although absolutely nothing remotely inappropriate happened and there was no flirting (we mainly just chatted over lunch, but it was more than small talk) I got the feeling it could perhaps have developed if he'd been single. I'm not sure whether that should give me hope, or just proves that all the decent men are already taken.

I broadly agree with that, but it seems that people do meet later in life. In my circle of friends some have formed relationships in their 40s and 50s, but they always seem to be people who were previously married while the long-term singletons remain single.