Eternally single

[Tootsurly]

Just trying to understand why most people seem to find it so easy to form relationships whereas I have long periods of singledom punctuated by brief dysfunctional liaisons with emotionally repressed/retarded men which last a matter of weeks before being plunged into another interminable period of singledom.

It makes me feel I'm not a proper adult and that life is rather pointless.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, but please don't suggest I do OLD or speed-dating or joining a walking group because believe me I've tried it all. Also please don't comment to say you've been married for 25 years but if your DP died you'd happily spend the rest of your days on your own.

I miss companionship, I miss sex and I'm fed up of being solely responsible for everything. And I understand that all relationships aren't perfect, but the vast majority of people prefer to be in one than not.

There are only a limited range of things anyone can suggest in these circumstances:-

• meet more men somehow (date hard, dump harder)
• lower your standards (not recommended)
• raise your standards
• self-analysis or therapist (eg. are you unconsciously only going after emotionally unavailable guys, are you commitmentphobic yourself, etc etc)
• canvas friends' opinions
• stop looking and try to be happy single

But if you don't meet anyone at an evening class/ group, you'll at least have learnt something, improved your singing or whatever else it is, had fun, maybe made friends, which is all better than sitting at home alone and not meeting or doing anything. (Well, you might be knitting or painting or something, so you could be doing things.)

I expect the odds are good but the goods are odd.

Sorry but I think this entire thread has gone completely over your head.

After a few weeks, during which I'm very careful not to come on too strong, they lose interest or get scared of commitment, even though I haven't asked for any. Usually they don't even have the decency to tell me and just ghost or do a slow fade.

Ok, but my thread isn't called "Eternally unable to do macrame" or even "Eternally friendless".

I accept far too much crappy behaviour from men as I really want to be in a relationship.
Could this be a clue - do you have low self-esteem in a relationship? If people realise you think you're rubbish, they can start to think that maybe you're right and they could do better. It's not just about coming across as desperate; it's about coming across as not thinking you're a catch.
You say you got on well with your workmate when a relationship was out of the question; did that make you more relaxed and confident?

OP I hear you. And I hear you amongst all the people coming on to say "oh me too" (and then go on to describe actual boyfriends/marriages/situations...even if they were short term)

I just wanted to say in the sea of people who are not relating to a word you are saying...I am.

Sincerely,
Eternally Single in my thirties never had a boyfriend in my entire adult life

@Tootsurly "After a few weeks, during which I'm very careful not to come on too strong, they lose interest or get scared of commitment, even though I haven't asked for any. Usually they don't even have the decency to tell me and just ghost or do a slow fade."

So maybe the issue is that you are neither being wholly yourself with them, nor asking for what you want. So in return, you aren't going to receive enthusiasm.

Next time you're dating (if you choose to go out there, eg online ) and you really like someone, see what happens if you're honest about that. Maybe it will still scare them off? But if they're going to bolt, better to know immediately

I think you might find being more wholly yourself makes a huge difference

I tend to agree that if you haven’t met someone in your 20s it gets much harder.
I also think you have to accept times have changed.
Back in the day most young people went to the local dance every weekend. That is where they would meet their future husband/wife.
People don’t do that anymore.
So many people don’t mix with single, attractive, people who are looking for a relationship, on a regular basis now.
The majority of people now meet online.
That is just life.
Like how people now wfh.
Or shop online.
A few people get lucky and meet without going online but it is rare once you are older in today’s world.
I can think if 2 people who didn’t meet online.
One was through work, but her work brought her into contact with vast numbers of people.
The other was through the man’s line of work but her dd worked with the man and he asked her dd about her mum.
Again, most women do not come into contact with such numbers if people.
For both these cases they didn’t get together after the first meeting, work ensured they saw each other several times before being asked on a date.
I think at least with online dating you have a lot of choice to go at!
It can’t be easy though.
I know several single women, all attractive, intelligent, funny with nice homes. There isn’t anything wrong with them for want of a better word. It’s just how things have turned out.

😂

They lower their standards and settle.
For the sake of being with someone

If I did that I could be with someone. But I won't change my boundaries

I wish I had some words that would help..but.. my longest and most unhappy relationship was with father of my kids ..8 years..since then..a 3year horrible experience, 2 years and an on off.. been single for 5 years and can't see it changing.
I have friends who have been single for decades.. and one friend who has never had a boyfriend/partner..she's 50 and has now given up.
The one thing we all have in common is we are inordinately capable women, strong and independent. I think my friends mentioned above are lovely people both inside and to look at. Maybe it just doesn't happen for some people? After hideous experiences, I'm unwilling to disturb the peace I have created around myself. So I will no longer even consider a date, a connection. And I have found that my energy reflects this as I'm rarely approached.. when I was looking and open to the idea I had a lot of offers..
If its something you genuinely want Maybe consciously hone your energy and intentions..see what happens. None of the friends I mentioned are in that space, they too are almost never approached, and one of them is absolutely gorgeous..so it's not a looks issue. It's not a failure imo, it's a protection of self, but I'm at peace with being single..if you want to be with a partner, share your life with someone I wish you well, 😊 ❤️ and I've seen love work I've friends who are happy happy married and it makes me happy to see, I've realised though that some people can, and some people just can't find it...

I agree with “they lower their standards and settle”.

I did this. Bad error.

It’s not even that he was a wrongun. He was a nice enough guy. But I wasn’t attracted to him. I met him aged nearly thirty and he was keen - which is more than anyone else had been for a long while! I had spent my twenties being largely ignored by heterosexual men in bars, at work, at parties, at weddings etc. I was quite good looking, chatty, decent, and reasonably Intelligent and friends couldn’t understand why I was always single. I was desperate to settle down. So I thought, “why not”.

I wonder what men are looking for.
If there are lots of attractive, witty, smart, employed women around.
It isn’t just that the men are wasters if these women aren’t even being approached.
Or is it after the initial approach that the interest fades?

I’m the same. I also have so many single friends who have lots going for them but struggle to meet decent single men. I’ve even thought of setting up my own dating agency. The old fashioned type where you pay a subscription and get vetted face to face and matched through someone who actually gets to meet the single people. And checks they aren’t married (somehow). Then I can help others and maybe see for myself 😜

Attractive, witty, smart women with decent jobs will invariably expect the same qualities in men and those men are rarely single.

True

There just aren't as many quality men as women, it's a huge disparity.
So plenty of single men about but full of red flags etc

What does a normal week go like for you ? Like could you meet someone at Starbucks? Bar ?

Wasn't bothered till mid 40s. Had two relationships of 2 years each. I used to quite like being single but now do miss the company. Not sure if can be bothered again though.

For some of us this never happens and it's so annoying when people suggest it. Even though I know you do it with kindest of intentions to help. For the the last almost two decades I have been open to meeting someone in the coffee queue, on the train, in Tesco, in a bar after work, in a bar at the weekend, in a café, on a dog walk, at the gym, at evening classes ...endless

I even try to create a habit of having a 'nice face' while I go about my business in public (my natural expression is not acceptable..some people have said I look sad when I'm just feeling and being normal)

But...nada.

It's not as if going to Starbucks every day will increase your odds.

After 17 years I sympathize with the OP and think some peoole just aren't meant to be loved romantically. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hmmm but posters are saying they never get approached by men, ever. So how on earth do you deduce that the men (who are busy avoiding women at all costs) are not smart, attractive, witty and hold down a good job?
You could only know that through dating someone. Ok I’ll agree you can find someone instantly attractive, but the other qualities no you can’t.
Posters are not saying they go on lots and lots of dates and date men for months on end, and then it ends. They are saying they never get approached in the first place.
This brings me back to an earlier post.
Once you are past your 20s you are unlikely to meet the love of your life by walking into a bar. Life has moved on. Most people meet online past a certain age. You might not like it but that’s the reality.

I have never in my life met someone in a bar. Or in a Starbucks.

@OnlyHerefortheBiscuits In all that time did you try approaching anyone or starting conversations?